Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

I was happy.
My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses.
She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

2007-08-24 03:55:43 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Santa wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude test:

Tester: If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Santa : SEVEN!

Tester : No, listen carefully again. If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Santa : SEVEN!

Tester: Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer, and
two bottles of beer, and another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of
beer have you got?

Santa : SIX.

Tester : Good! Now, if I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another
two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Santa : SEVEN!

Tester : How on Earth do you work out that
three lots of two rabbits is seven?

Santa : I've already got one rabbit at home...........!

2007-08-24 02:44:05 · 30 answers · asked by World Vision 4

that they're physically ok, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
While watching TV at home, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything from the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Dont' you think you should write it down?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries with it. You need to write it down so's not to forget it."
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget. Write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down. I can remember! I got it... for goodness sake!"
Then he goes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen & hands his wife a plate of bacon & eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast?"

2007-08-24 02:39:56 · 19 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

An engineer dies and is standing at the gates of Heaven. Saint Peter took a quick look in the book of life and failing to see the engineer’s name, cast him down into Hell.

After a few weeks in Hell the engineer began to get frustrated with the poor living conditions. He set to work and soon had designed air conditioning, reclining chairs, microwaves, and televisions. Everyone in hell was enjoying the new inventions of the engineer when God looked down one day.

Needless to say God was upset that the living conditions in Hell had improved, so he called to Satan saying “What’s going on down there? How did you get a hold of all that stuff?”

Satan Replied smugly, “We’ve got ourselves an engineer.”

God angrily said “What! How did you get an engineer? There must be some mistake. I want that engineer back immediately.”

Satan animatedly refused saying “NO way, we like him and we’re keeping him.”

(continued)

2007-08-24 02:38:59 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-08-24 02:34:42 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.


.

2007-08-24 02:19:32 · 50 answers · asked by Slimm D 3

I've just bought 8 legs of venison for 50 quid....................... Do you think thats too deer? (boom boom):)

2007-08-24 01:05:16 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Aberystwyth: None - Most of them are still sleeping in the basketball court following housing shortages.

St. Andrews: Three - One to call the butler and two to arrange a tailor in Rome to design and make new suits for the special occasion. If a light bulb in a major building blows then increase to 27 to allow for a brass band playing the last post and five Sun reporters. The following day's Sun will contain something along the lines of "Will's Pals in Blown Bulb Horror".

Aston: None - And stay down, they shoot at the lights, that's why the last one went.

Bath: Seven - Five to form a radical new initiative called 'TeamBulb Focus', one to make a public announcement stating "A successful environment is not about pushing yourself to the absolute limit" and one to change the light bulb before it's actually blown.

Birmingham: Nine - One to steal a new bulb from the back of a shop, two for the wheelmen and six to go shoot out all the light bulbs in some Aston student houses.

Cambridge: Three - one to mix the martinis, one to call the electrician and one to call daddy to pay for the bill.

Cardiff: None - instructions on packet are in Welsh and everyone is too busy shagging sheep to worry about lightbulbs.

Coventry: Two - One to take the bulb out and another to glass a random stranger's face with it.

DeMontfort: Seven - Two to change the bulb and five to write an interpretive modern drama about the experience.

Glasgow None of your f***ing business!

Leeds: Three - One to change it and two to find a way to get high off the old bulb.

Leicester: Four - One to change the bulb and three to complain bitterly that it wouldn't have been allowed to happen at Oxbridge, so please give us some funding. Please.

Liverpool: Only one, but he gets 10 course credits for doing it.

Newcastle: Eight - One to find a
red 'Fireglow' bulb, one to mount it near the window and the other six to wait inside.

Nottingham: 46.
One to pick and change the bulb.
25 to find out where in their huge campus it needs to be.
20 to write about how the introduction of Scouts would be a brilliant and individual idea and how original it would be (thus separating them from their unfortunate counterparts that managed to get in to Oxbridge).

Oxford: change? change?? CHANGE???????? Ok, let's do it in 300 years.

Oxford Brookes: Five - One to take the bulb out and four to stick their fingers in the socket.

Paisley: Between three and ten, depending on how far through the term it is, to club together their remaining funds to purchase a new light bulb.

Plymouth: Six - One to change it and five to campaign to make light bulb changing a new degree subject.

Pontypridd: Ten - One to buy the light bulb and nine to petition for the eventual electrification of Pontypridd.

Reading: Three - One to pull the bulb out and two to complain when the socket and ceiling come down with it through dry rot.

Salford: 16 - one to change the lightbulb and 15 others to keep scallies from beating the s**t out of the first one.

Sheffield: 51 - one to change the bulb and 50 to sit around saying they were well clever enough to change it but they couldn't be bothered.

UCL: Two - One to change the bulb and the other to say loudly how he did it as well as an Oxbridge student.

UMIST: Five - One to design a nuclear powered light bulb that never needs changing, one to figure out how to power the rest of Greater Manchester using said light bulb, two to install it, and one to write the computer program that controls the wall switch.

UNL: Nobody Knows - The light bulbs stay with North London U. longer than the students.

Warwick: 76 - One to change the light bulb, 50 to protest the light bulb's right to not change, and 25 to hold a counter protest allowing for permissible change in light bulbs, as long as the light bulbs accept it.

York: Three - One to change the bulb and one to check his maths coursework

2007-08-24 00:54:42 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

a guy goes to a disco and picks up a chinese woman, takes her home. She says "i will do anything you want".
he says "how about a 69" she says "im not cooking at this time of night".

What did cinderella do when she got to the ball?
gag.

What did the vet say to the dog who kept licking his balls?
thanks.

What position produces the ugliest children?
ask your mother.

Scottish woman walks in on her husband masterbating into a wellie.
she shout at him "stop f*cking a boot"

whats the diference between a woman on her period and a terrorist? you can negotionate with a terrorist.

a bloke comes home to find his girlfriend having sex with his best mate.
he says "whats going on here?"
the girlfriend turns to the mate and says,"see i told you he was stupid".

2007-08-24 00:47:50 · 21 answers · asked by juju-arlie 2

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man, who surrenders when he's wrong, is Honest. A man who surrenders when not Sure, is Wise. A man who surrenders even if he's Right, is a Husband
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Different Phases of a man:
After engagement: Superman
After Marriage: Gentleman
After 10 years: Watchman
After 20 years: Doberman
----------------------------------------------------------------

2007-08-24 00:44:20 · 7 answers · asked by salima_guriya 1

Two football players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the Sugar Bowl the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a _________."

Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?"

Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm."

"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now." He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Reaching to tap Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"

"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."

2007-08-24 00:42:21 · 14 answers · asked by BabyDoll 4

I remember back in 1995 i went over to my neighbors house. She was a blonde and for some reason she was mad at the world. She was in the bathroom and the door was locked. I said, "Come on, you know you don't want to do this!" She said, "I damn well do wanna do this, nobody wants me alive anyways." For some reason i actually beleived her and pushed through the door. She had a rope tied to her ankles. I asked "Aren't you trying to hang yourself?"

"Yes, whats your point?"

"Well, usually when people hang themselves they tie the rope around their necks"

"Yeah well, I tried that, But then i couldnt breathe."

2007-08-24 00:30:24 · 22 answers · asked by BabyDoll 4

One day a blonde is driving down the freeway and sees another blonde in a row boat in the middle of wild flowers.

The driver, being very confused, stops on the shoulder, gets out and yells out to the another blonde "Hey, what the hell are you doing?".

The blonde in the boat looks at her and says "I'm just enjoying a nice boat trip in this sea of flowers".

The blonde, now very confused, starts to walking to her car and trying very hard to keep her cool. As she almost gets to the vehicle she completely loses it, turns around, points at the blonde and yells "You are the type of blonde that gives other blondes a bad name, if I knew how to swim I would go over there and kick your as*".

2007-08-24 00:30:15 · 6 answers · asked by Animal 5

Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth (45) birthday, and I wasn't feeling Too hot that morning anyway.


I went to breakfast knowing my wife ........

Would be pleasant and say ? Happy Birthday, ?

And would probably have a present for me. She didn't even say ? Good Morning ! Let alone any ? Happy Birthday.?


I thought. Well, that's wives for you. Maybe the children will remember .?

The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent.

As I walked into my office my secretary, Janet : " Good Morning BOSS... Happy Birthday To You ...."


So I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon. ........

Then, Janet knocked on my door said : You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me ...........?

I said : By George, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go.?


We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go;


We went out into the country to a little private place.


We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said : You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we??


I said : No, I guess not ? She said : Let's go to my apartment.?


After arriving at her apartment she said : Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.?


Sure ! I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and,

In about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake,

Followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends.

All were singing ? Happy Birthday ?

And there on the couch I sat... Naked.

2007-08-24 00:18:26 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

2007-08-24 00:10:23 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

A lion and a Virgin walk into a bar (called the Lion and the Virgin, but that is just a coincidence)
'It isn't very crowded in here tonight' said the Lion, 'Do you think this is the one where the nub of the joke is that it wouldn't be very crowded in a bar because a Lion walks in?'
Don't be ridiculous' said the Virgin, 'Lions can't talk, and why do I have to be naked just because I'm a Virgin? Whoever heard of a nude girl walking into a bar without causing a riot? Who was it who thought up the link between not having sex and having a bare wardrobe?'
Just at that moment a Mouse walked in.
I was walking on the other side of the road' he said, and being of unspecified gender and therefore taking on the role of a Male Mouse, I saw your Virgin and felt I just had to cross over and enter your pub' (actually he had to say it about five times before they heard)
Don't try to out-surreal a talking Lion' said the Lion, 'We know youre really meant to be a chicken'
'You think this is bad'

2007-08-24 00:10:14 · 11 answers · asked by malcolmg 6

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the old man cut a fart and says "seven points."

His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?"

The old man says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 7 to nothing."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie, score."

After about ten minutes later he old man farts again and says, Touchdown I'm ahead 14 to 7.

Now starting to get into this the wife quickly farts again and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

The old man strains really hard but, to no avail he can't fart, so not to be outdone by his wife, he gives it everything he has and strains real hard to get out just one more fart. Straining real hard the old man tries so hard he poops in the bed.

The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"

The old man replies, "Half-time, switch sides."

2007-08-24 00:08:25 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

2007-08-24 00:03:58 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

There were two gay guy living together. One was more feminine and the other more masculine.

The masculine one lacked chest hair and it seemed to become a real problem for him. So, one day he decided to visit the doctor to see why he had no chest hair and if there was something he could do about.

Well, the doctor said there was nothing wrong with the guy, and really the only thing he could try to stimulate hair growth was to smother Vaseline all over his chest daily and perhaps the skin would become stimulated enough to produce hair.

The masculine homosexual was elated. He went immediately home and smothered his chest in Vaselinel.

When his partner came home and jumped into bed with him, he felt the Vaseline and asked, "What in the hell are you doing?"

The masculine one explained what the doctor said and waited for comment from his partner. Finally, his partner said,

"Don't you think if that was true that you would have a "pony tail" coming out of your *** by now?"

2007-08-24 00:03:44 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

how do you make a blond burn her ear
call her when she doing the ironing

how did the blond burn her ear
listening to the match

how did the blonde fall out the window
ironing her curtains

a blond invention
an under water hair dryer

2007-08-23 23:53:27 · 10 answers · asked by clover 3

Woman in a sports shop picks up a complete fishing rod and reel and takes it to the counter to pay. The man behind the counter is totally blind, so the woman asks "how will you know exactly what I have bought". The man's reply is "Just drop the items on the counter and I will tell you". She does this and he replies "one Penn 10ft spinning rod with Shakespear reel and 150 mtrs of 10 lb line, that will be £40 .00 how do you want to pay" ."Card" she said. With that she drops the card on the floor and in bending down farts but says nothing. She gives the card to the blind man who now says "thank you that is £55.00." The womans says "but you said £40 .00" "ah yes he says but the extra is for the duck whistle and the fish bait "

2007-08-23 23:42:39 · 11 answers · asked by Carat 2

2007-08-23 23:33:51 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Actual event!
Last week a game show in England asked its contestants to name gay icons alive today.
The first contestant answered with David Hasselhoff
The second with Elton John.
Then the third, an old woman in her 70s said George Bush!!!
The presenter chuckled a little and asked "George Bush?? Haha why do you say that?"
She then replied" Well I head lesbians love a Bush. So why not George Bush!!!???"
Every1 burst into tears te he he

2007-08-23 23:32:45 · 6 answers · asked by Algorithim007 1

A pirate walks off his ship. He has a wooden leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over his right eye. He sits down on a bench, and begins throwing peanuts to the seagulls. Two curious young children shyly sit down next to him and ask the pirate how he came to have a wooden leg.
The pirate replies, "Well, I was standing on the deck of me ship one day, and a wave washed me overboard. Then, a hungry shark attacked me and bit me leg off." The little boy then asks, "How did you lose your hand?"
"Many years ago, I was fighting the Navy, and one of them boys cut me hand off. Me doc couldn't find a hand, so he gave me this hook." Next, the little girl asks, "How did you lose your eye?"
"Well, I was standing watch up in the crow's nest, and just as I looked up, a lousy seagull flew over and did his business right in me eye." The children,
now thoroughly confused, ask, "How did that cause you to lose your eye?"
The pirate explains, "Well, it was me first day with the hook."

2007-08-23 23:23:59 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says, "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiance thinks I'm a virgin & I'm not! Is there anything you can do to help me?"

The doctor says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try. On the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh. When your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping."

The woman loves this idea and knows her hubby will fall for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man.

Things begin to progress - her hubby "slips it in" and just then she snaps the elastic band. The hubby asks, "What the heck was that?"

The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping."

The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!"

2007-08-23 23:22:15 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is!
TEACHER : Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS : Maria!

TEACHER : Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK : Because of the sign.
TEACHER : What sign?
FRANK : The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN : You told me to do it without using tables!

TEACHER : Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN : K-R-O-K-O-D- A-I-L"
TEACHER : No, that's wrong
GLENN : Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

TEACHER : Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD : H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER : What are you talking about?
DONALD : Yesterday you said it's H to O!

TEACHER : Winnie, name an important thing we have today, we didn't have 10 years ago.
WINNIE : Me!

TEACHER : Goss, why do you always get so dirty?
GOSS : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER : Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE : I is...
TEACHER : No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

TEACHER : Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?
TINO: Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
LOUIS : Because George still had the ax in his hand.

TEACHER : Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON : No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER : Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, teacher, it's the same dog!

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD : A teacher.

2007-08-23 22:42:04 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this." "What's the problem?" the doctor inquired. "Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. I just seem to scare them away."
"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your selfesteem.
Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror.
Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But, say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."
The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.
"Oh, it worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women." "So, what's your problem?"
"I don't have a problem," the man replied

2007-08-23 22:27:36 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

A fellow was on his honeymoon near his favorite fishing lake and he would fish from dawn to dark with his favorite fishing guide.
One day the guide, friend of many years, mentioned that the honeymoon seemed to be spent fishing.
"Yes, but you know how I love to fish..."
"But aren't you newlyweds supposed to be into something else?"
"Yes, but she's got gonorrhea; and you know how I love to fish"
A few hours later, "I understand, but that's not the only way to have sex."
"I know, but she's got diarrhea; and you know how I love to fish..."
The following day: "Sure, but that's still not the only way to have sex."
"Yeah, but she's got phyrrea; and you know how I love to fish..."
Late that afternoon, thoroughly frustrated the guide comments, "I guess I'm not sure why you'd marry someone with health problems like that."
"It's 'cause she's also got worms; and you know I just love to fish..."

2007-08-23 22:13:27 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent," They throw the switch and nothing happens.

They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.

Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Alabama, Huntsville and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

2007-08-23 21:49:37 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Broke blonde decides to ask God for help.
"Dear Lord," she prays, "If I dont get some cash, Im gonna lose everything. Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery night comes, but the blonde doesnt win. She prays even harder, saying, "God, why have you forsaken me? My children are starving. Please just let me win this once".
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, and the blonde hears God speak. "Sweetheart, work with me on this," He says. "Buy a ticket!"

*STAR IF YOU LIKE:-)

2007-08-23 21:42:46 · 37 answers · asked by Anonymous