Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

2007-09-30 23:36:35 · 20 answers · asked by Christopher G 1

At a local derby between Arsenal and Spurs last season, a spectator. suddenly found himself in the thick of dozens of flying bottles.

'There's nothing to worry about, lad,' said the elderly chap standing next to him. 'It's like the bombs during the war. You won't get hit unless the bottle's got your name on it.'

'That's just what I'm worried about,' said the fan. 'My name's Johnny Walker

A man went off to a football match one Saturday afternoon, and while he was away his wife was 'visited by a 'friend' who just happened to be jogging past her house and was dressed in shorts and singlet.

The wife was happily entertaining him on the sofa when suddenly they heard her husband coming through the front door.

Quick as a flash, the visitor hid behind the large television set in the corner.

The husband came in and said,'It's started to pour with rain so I thought I'd come home and watch the second half on telly.'

He switched on the television and settled down to watch the game. After about twenty minutes the wife's visitor started to get severe cramp so, casting caution to the winds, he calmly got up from behind the set and walked out of the room.

The husband turned to his wife and said, 'That's funny - I didn't see the ref send him off.'

A supporter arrived at the ground one Saturday to find the place completely empty. He went to the office and asked an official,

'What time does the match start?'

'There's no match today,' replied the official.

'But there must be!' argued the fan. 'It's Saturday.'

'I'm telling you there's no match today,' repeated the official.

'But there's always a match on Saturday afternoon,' said the fan, 'even if it's only a reserves game.'

'Watch my lips,' shouted the irate official. 'There is no M-A-T-F-C-H today!'

'Well, for your information,' the would-be spectator shouted back, 'there's no F in match.',

'That's what I've been trying to tell you!' yelled the official.

2007-09-30 23:34:31 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde girl comes rushing home to her mum and says: "Mummy mummy! Today at school everyone could only count to 3 but I can count to 5. Look - 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Does that mean I am special mummy?"

"Yes dear it does."

The next day the blonde girl comes running in again and says: "Mummy mummy! Today at school everyone could only say the alphabet from A to C but I can go until E. Look - A, B, C, D, E. Does that mean I am special mummy?"

"Yes dear it does."

The next day the blonde girl comes rushing home and says "Mummy mummy! Today at school we were getting changed for physical excercises and all the other girls had really flat chests but I had these ...!" She opens her blouse and reveals a humungous pair of DD breasts. "Is it because I am special mummy?"

"No dear it's because you are 25."

2007-09-30 23:31:04 · 24 answers · asked by daffydd max 3

The blond lady gets pulled over by a blond cop. The cop ask for her drivers license. The lady fumbles through her purse and shows the cop her credit card. The cop says no your drivers license has your picture on it. The Lady finds a mirror in her purse and looks at it and sees herself and says oh here it is and shows it to the cop. The cop says oh I didn't know you were a cop. You can go.

2007-09-30 23:27:33 · 5 answers · asked by Mrs. T 4

An englishlman , an Irishman and a chinaman are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to theenglish guy, “You’re in charge of sweeping.” He then jabs a thin finger at the Irishman, “You’re in charge of digging.” Finally, he turns to the Chinaman, “And you’re in charge of supplies. Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that pile.” Two hours later, the foreman returns to find the pile of sand untouched, and the english and Irishman standing nearby. “Why didn’t you touch it?” he says. The both look at him and say . “We didn’t have a broom or shovel. You said the Chinese guy was in charge of supplies, but he disappeared and we couldn’t find him.” Annoyed, the foreman storms off to find the guy
. Just then, the Chinaman leaps from behind the sand and yells . “Supplies!” .

2007-09-30 23:17:04 · 14 answers · asked by daffydd max 3

asked:

"Are there too many foreigners in the United Kingdom?"


21% Said 'Yes'


17% Said 'No'


62% Said عهد الأمن العالمي بواشنط

2007-09-30 21:49:39 · 5 answers · asked by ? 3

Looking at this?

http://img283.imageshack.us/img283/97/whatafunnybabyfn3.gif

2007-09-30 21:01:45 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

the doorbell rings. The wife puts on a robe and goes down to answer the door.

In walks her husband’s friend Ben. She tells him her husband’s in the shower and asks if he can come back later. Instead, Ben steps in and quietly says, "I have $400 in my pocket. I’ll give it to you if you’ll open your bathrobe for me." She’s offended, but really needs the money so she agrees, opens her robe, and lets Ben have a quick peek before doing it up again. Ben gives her the $400, and she opens the door for him to leave, but he says, "I have another $400 in my other pocket. I’ll give it to you if you let me touch your breasts." Now she’s really mortified, but again, she needs the money, so she undoes her robe and lets him have a quick feel. Taking the other $400 from him, Ben leaves.

Going back upstairs, she gets in the shower with her husband, feeling guilty.

"Who was that?" the husband asks.

"Oh, it was just Ben," the wife answers.

"Ben? That son of a ***** owes me 800 bucks!"

2007-09-30 20:15:26 · 14 answers · asked by Sky Guy 5

How do you drop an egg one metre with out it breaking. and you cant make the ground padded. it has to land on concrete and all you have is the egg?

how do you do it?

i know the answer give me a star if you cant figure it out or just think its a great riddle.

2007-09-30 19:23:54 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

a penguin

lmao

2007-09-30 18:42:20 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man is hanging from the rafters about 15 feet off the ground. he hung himself. there is no where he could have climbed up and the rope is just long enough for him to make a noos and hang himself. there is no ladder or anything for him to climb up on in sight. and no sign of foul play.

How Did he hang himself?

2007-09-30 17:25:31 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2 babys are born.
same mother and father.
same doctors and nurses.
same time day and year of birth.
everything is the same and they are exactly like a normal twin birth except their not twins why?

2007-09-30 16:58:49 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

a man goes to the doctor's office one day. he walks up to the receptionist and says, "I need to see the doctor." she asks him, "do you have an appointment?" he says, "no" and she says, "well what's the problem?" "there's something wrong with my d_ck." snickers fill the waiting room. the receptionist whispers to him, "you could have just said that your ear hurts, or something like that. now, try it again." so he walks out, walks back in, goes up to the desk, and she says "may i help you sir?" and he says "yeah, there's something wrong with my ear." "well, what's wrong with it?" i cant pee out of it!!"

star if you like. :)

2007-09-30 16:04:38 · 12 answers · asked by ☼mischevious☼ 2

2007-09-30 16:03:39 · 3 answers · asked by tom 4

A man was to be sentenced, and the judge told him, "You may make a statement. If it is true, I'll sentence you to four years in prison. If it is false, I'll sentence you to six years in prison." After the man made his statement, the judge decided to let him go free. What did the man say?

2007-09-30 15:50:34 · 21 answers · asked by McAndy 4

Heard this in high school. Variations seen since. No matter what the two numbers total, say to yourself, "thirteen". Ready?

9 and 4.

6 and 2.

7 and 9.

4 and 6.

8 and 3.

5 and 7.

3 and 9.

4 and 11.

Now what's the first vegetable that comes to you mind? Quick! Type it! Those getting the majority mystery vegetable will get the thumbs up.

2007-09-30 15:46:44 · 16 answers · asked by Dinah 7

The doctor told a man that masturbating before sex,
often helped men last longer during the act.
The man decided, 'What the heck, I'll try it.'
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to
do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought
about the restroom, but that was too open. He
considered an alley but figured that was too unsafe.
Finally, he realized his solution.
On the way home from work, he pulled his truck over on
the side of the highway. He got out and crawled
underneath as if examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and
started to masturbate, he closed his eyes and thought
of his lover.
As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at
his pant leg. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy
or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied,
'What?'
He heard 'This is the police. What in the hell are you
doing?'
The man replied, 'I'm checking out the rear axle, it's
busted.'
The cop says, 'Well, you better check your brakes too,
because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes
ago.'

2007-09-30 14:48:51 · 14 answers · asked by leolady0765 4

A Cajun man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" The Cajun says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks



"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Cajun.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Cajun stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."



The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"



"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Cajun, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."



The Cajun stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred."

"So, when I start?"

2007-09-30 14:30:28 · 23 answers · asked by ~AstralRomance~ 2

when the light turns green u go
when the light turns red u stop
waddya do
when the light turns blue
with green and lavender spots?

2007-09-30 14:07:11 · 16 answers · asked by The Angry Vegetable 3

Tell them asylum seekers kill paedophiles.

2007-09-30 13:25:59 · 13 answers · asked by J S 2

If you heard something in the middle of the night, went downstairs to check but to see a robber looking directly at you?

2007-09-30 13:03:54 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

.. a man & woman are asleep in bed when there's a knock at the front door. The man goes downstairs, opens the door, but can't see anything cos of the thick fog. Then he hears a voice from somewhere say
"Can you give us a push please?"
He shouts back "Do you know it's 3 in the morning? Go away!" and slams the door.
As he climbs back into bed complaining, the woman says "Who was it?"
The man repies "Some idiot wants a push. Look at the time. I'm not going out there to give him a blo*dy push"
About 5 mins later there's another knock at the door. The bloke marches down, opens the door, but again coz of the fog, can't see anyone, but hears a voice say "Please. I can't get started. Just give us a push."
"I've told you once, now clear off" shouts the bloke.
Back in bed again the woman says "Maybe you shouldn't be so harsh. Remember when we were young & our car broke down in that foggy lane? That nice farmer came out & towed us up to his house? Maybe you should help"...

2007-09-30 12:52:45 · 16 answers · asked by funnygirl 4

Mom and Dad were on the bed in their room. The two little kids outside the door peeking in . One little kids says to the other " and she yells at me for sucking my thumb"

2007-09-30 12:43:25 · 7 answers · asked by geminibubbles 2

Man & his wife asleep in bed. About 2:30am. when they're woken by next door's dog, barking it's head off.
The bloke opens the window & shouts "For ***** sake, shut that dog up."
20 mins later. the barking starts again. The man opens the window again & shouts "If you don't shut that blo*dy thing up, I'll come down there a sort it out!"
Another 20 mins & it starts again. This time the bloke says to his wife "Right. That's it. I'm going down to sort this out!" His wife says "What are you going to do?"
"Just wait & see" replies the man. He puts on his pants & shoes & marches down & out the back door while the wife waits nervously. After quite a while, the barking stops, then the man comes back in, looking pleased with himself.
"What did you do with the dog?" asks the wife.
"I put in OUR garden" smirks the man. "See how THEY like it!"

2007-09-30 12:26:16 · 13 answers · asked by funnygirl 4

2007-09-30 11:58:58 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man leaves work early because it's his little daughter's birthday & he wants to buy her a present on the way home.
He stops by the toy store, goes in & asks "How much is that Barbie Doll in the window?"
The sales assistant replies "Well, that's the 'Work-Out Barbie.' She's £25.50. But you could also choose from 'Shopping Barbie' for £25.50, or 'Beach Barbie' for £25.50, or 'Disco Barbie' £25.50 or there's 'Divorced Barbie' for just £350.00."

"What?" says the man " How come the Divorced Barbie is £350.00 & the others are only £25.50?"

The assistant replies "Well Sir. Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's House, Ken's car, all of Ken's furniture, Ken's friends, Ken's credit cards....."

2007-09-30 11:49:18 · 24 answers · asked by funnygirl 4

and screamed down the phone, 'You've got to do something my little boy dog is doing 'it' with his sister.'
The vet told her to wack the dog on the nose with a rolled up newspaper, that would stop them.
She said she'd already tried that and it hadn't worked.
So he said she should throw some water over them.
That hadn't worked either, they were still 'at it'
Tell you what, said the vet, put the phone down and I'll ring you back.
Will that stop them? she asked.
Well, said the vet, it stopped me!!!

2007-09-30 11:23:59 · 7 answers · asked by Kitty Katty 4

Okay, a little kid walks down the stairs and sees his brother watching football. His brother yells, "Pimps and hoes!!"
"Whats that?" The kid asks.
"Oh, thats the people that play the game." He replies.
So, the little kid walks back upstairs and his dad is shaving.
The dad cuts himself and yells, "Sh**!"
"What does that mean?"
"Oh its just the stuff you shave off your face." His dad says.
So, the little kid walks into the kitchen and and his mom is stuffing the turkey. She burns herself and yells, "Fu**!"
"Whats that mean?"
"Oh, its the stuff you use to put in the turkey."
Then, the doorbell rings and he goes to get it. His grandparents ask, "Whats everyone doing?"
"My brothers watching pimps and hoes, my dads shaving the sh** off his face, and my moms fu**ing the turkey."

2007-09-30 11:21:22 · 7 answers · asked by the man 2

A man lying on his deathbed called to him, his lawyer, his doctor, and his pastor. "I am going to die tonight," and I want to prove that when you go to heaven you can take it all with you. So to my three most trusted friends, you three of course, I am leaving 50,000 dollars in these envelopes. When I die you must come to my funeral and put the envelopes in my coffin with me." The man handed the three men identical envelopes.
A day later they each received news that, that night the old man had died . So each knew they must go to his funeral and fulfill his death wish.
Standing over the coffin one week later the pastor confessed, " I can't hide what I've done. I took 10,000 dollars from the envelope because the church needed to be painted."
Then as he did so the doctor also started to fidget then finally confessed “I took 30,000 dollars from my envelope because the hospital needed a new wing."
Ten the lawyer said plainly “You bunch of crooks! I wrote him a check for the full amount!

2007-09-30 11:18:05 · 15 answers · asked by smithzer luvs bowie :) 7

woman takes a young boy home 4 sex and asks 4 a 69 whats that the boy asks put your head in between my legs and i do the same woman says so they do it after a few mins the woman farts sorry she says lets try again woman farts again so the boy gets up and gets dressed whats wrong says the woman boy replies theres no way i sitting through anouther 67 of them

2007-09-30 11:15:48 · 7 answers · asked by in love and its great 5