Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off
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A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"Hellooooo...," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

2007-09-01 11:47:00 · 16 answers · asked by treving 42 6

Man comes hom from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the tv and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts!!"

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick bring me another beer; it's gonna start!!"

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts!!"

THAT'S IT!! She blows her top. "You b******! You waltz in here, flop your fat a*s down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave! Don't you realise that I cook, clean, wash and iron all day long?"

The husband signed...."Oh no - it's started!"

2007-09-01 11:33:29 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Pupil: "My teachers call me 'Surrender'."
Mum: "Why do they call you that?"
Pupil: "Because they take one look at me and gave up."

Cheers and have a nice week ahead :)

2007-09-01 09:52:48 · 9 answers · asked by Larry L - Hi Everyone :D 6

A very religious woman went into the local pet shop to buy a parrot for company. She selected a beautiful bird, but the pet store owner said he didn't think she'd be happy with this particular parrot because he had belonged to a salty old sailor who used very bad language.

She replied that she knew with love and care she could break the bird of his bad habits and have a wonderful companion.

Well, the bird was not to be broken of his blue language and the woman had to hide him in the spare bedroom every time she had visitors. Finally, in desperation she told the bird she was going to put him in the freezer for 10 minutes every time he used bad language. Sure enough in just a couple of minutes the bird let out a string of obcenities. She put him in the freezer with him hollering and yelling his head off. After just a minute or two it got very quiet.....afraid that something bad had happened to the bird, she opened the door.

Out stepped the parrot, shivering and most pleasantly and politely he said "excuse my prior behaviour, madam. I regret any dismay I may have caused you and promise never to use improper language again." Well, the woman was thrilled to hear these promises and was about to say so when the bird interrupted to say "by the way, madam, what's the chicken in for?"

2007-09-01 09:23:39 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman is stopped by the cops for speeding, the officer goes up to her & asks to see her driver's licence,
she hands him her licence;
"Hmm, on your licence it says you wear glasses, I don't see you wearing them, I'm going to give you a ticket."
The lady: " But I have contacts"..
The Officer shouted back: " I don't care who you know lady, you're getting a ticket."

;) !!!

2007-09-01 09:22:29 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

French Vanilla doesn't bathe! hahaha... eh shut up...

2007-09-01 09:12:16 · 7 answers · asked by ? 2

Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"

Customer says, "Female"

Counter guy asks, "Black or white?"

Customer says, "White"

Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"

Customer says, "What does religion have to do with it?"

Counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up.

2007-09-01 07:52:15 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Dan Rather, Katie Couric, and a tough Marine Sergeant were all captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot spicy chili." The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili.
Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Katie Couric said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end." The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Couric dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."

The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. Marine tough guy, what is your final wish?"

"Kick me in the ***," said the Marine.

"What?" asked the leader? "Will you mock us in your last hour?"

"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ***," insisted the Marine.

So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ***.

The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from under his flack jacket, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine and sprayed the terrorists with gunfire. In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the marine was untying Rather and Couric, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the *** first?"

What," replied the Marine, "and have you two a$$holes report that I was the aggressor

2007-09-01 07:45:41 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two guys got arrested for smoking dope, and were due to appear in court the following Friday. In court, the judge says,
"If you can persuade more than 5 people to stop doing drugs, you won't be sent to jail." Two men readily agree to try this, so the judge tells them to come back on Monday morning to report on their efforts. The two guys come back on Monday as requested, and the judge asks how they did.
"I persuaded 17 people to get off drugs." says the first guy.
"That's a good result. How did you manage that?" asks the judge.
"I drew 2 circles." replied the first man, "I told them that the large circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."
"That's nothing!" said the second man. "I persuaded 156 people to get off drugs."
"That's most impressive." said the judge. "How did you achieve that?"
"Well, I drew 2 circles too. But I told them the small circle is your a**hole before prison.

2007-09-01 07:35:23 · 26 answers · asked by puma 4

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.

For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When
the day of the game arrived, everything went quite well.

As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts", and the patients complied by standing up.

After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts", and they all sat back down in their seats.

After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts". They all broke out into applause and cheered.

When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts" and they all started booing and cat calling.

Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.

When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his tizzied assistant, the doctor asked,
"What in the world happened?"

The assistant replied, "Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled,
"PEANUTS!"

2007-09-01 07:19:06 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time. This little test should help you get started.

During a visit to a mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criteria is that defines if a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub. Then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the bathtub."

Okay, here's your test:
1. Would you use the spoon?
2. Would you use the teacup?
3. Would you use the bucket?

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket, as it is larger than the spoon."
What was the director's response?

2007-09-01 06:41:41 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

patrick fitzgerald and gerald fitzpatrick?

2007-09-01 06:02:37 · 5 answers · asked by truthteller 4

what's in my pocket?

2007-09-01 06:02:30 · 14 answers · asked by GuyDudeMan 2

Ponderisms
Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for
your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried
in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a
good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like
every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars
to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss
America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you
naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"

2007-09-01 05:44:07 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day the husband comes home to his wife and she says to him, "Honey, honey, I need twenty dollars I have to go out and buy some meat."

"Twenty dollars!... are you crazy? Come upstairs to the bathroom and let me show you something."

They run up to the bathroom and he stands in front of the mirror and pulls out a twenty dollar bill and says, "You see that twenty in the mirror, that ones yours and this ones mine."

He goes to work the next day and when he comes home he finds the kitchen table packed full of meat from one end to the other.

He looks over to his wife and says, "Honey, honey, where the hell did you get all of this meat?"

"Well," she replies. "Come upstairs to the bathroom and let me show you something."

They run up to the bathroom and she stands in front of the mirror, lifts up her skirt.

"You see that one in the mirror, that ones yours and this one's the butcher's."

2007-09-01 05:17:52 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. You think begging for table scraps is beneath him, so you let your dog eat at the table with you.

2. You take him to the supermarket and let him pick out his own dog food.

3. Your husband comes home from work, looks at the stew on the stove and asks: "Is this people food or dog food?"

4. You bought matching His & Hers place mats for your dog and yourself.

5. At dinner parties you always have to double-check the butter for visible lick marks, before putting it on the table.

6. Your dog gets to vote on where to spend the next family vacation.

7. You don't care if you or your spouse are comfortable at night, as long as Fido has enough room on the bed.

8. You complain about the rising costs of groceries, but you don't think twice about spending a fortune on doggie treats.

9. Your dog always gets the best spot on the couch and sometimes he even gets to hold the remote.

10. He has his own e-mail address.

2007-09-01 05:16:12 · 20 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

I got this one from http://www.mindchallenger.com There are all kinds of great puzzles and riddles at this site. Try this before looking at the anwer:

What is the end of space, the end of time, and the beginning of eternity?

2007-09-01 05:02:05 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Will the real dummy please stand up?

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership.” He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it’s not Walter who’s lacking intelligence.


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With a little help from our friends!

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting, “Please come out and give yourself up!”


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What was plan B?

An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.


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These nitwits are teaching our children?

A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school’s drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him “jump higher.” -and- A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school’s “zero-tolerance” policy (not to be confused with the “zero-intelligence” policy).


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Some days, it just doesn’t pay to gnaw through the leather straps!

Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner’s newly installed fire prevention alarm system. “This is even worse than last year,” said the distraught homeowner, “when someone broke in and stole my new security system.”


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The getaway!

A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.


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Too well educated?

In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. “There are too many business grads out there,” he said. “If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened.”

2007-09-01 04:48:36 · 13 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands."Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

15 students raise their hands. "That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

3 students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The redneck student (remember, this is Alabama) replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost." The student replies, "Ghost?!? Damn, I thought you said 'goats.'"

2007-09-01 04:39:07 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

I never was, am always to be,
None ever saw me, nor ever will,
And yet I am the confidence of all
Who live and breathe on this terrestrial ball.

2007-09-01 04:02:37 · 3 answers · asked by samurai_fairy 5

2007-09-01 03:54:52 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. A word I know, six letters it contains and if you subtract just one, twelve is what remains.
2. What can run but never walks, has a mouth but never talks, has a head but never weeps, has a bed but never sleeps?
3. How can you rearrange the letters in the words 'new word" to make on word?
4. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters 'dw'. They are all common. Name two of them.
Answer all 4 questions right and get 10 points!!

2007-09-01 00:01:32 · 5 answers · asked by ? 3