Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells, "PIG!!"

The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "B1TCH!!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

If only men would listen.

2007-09-04 08:41:29 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

So a Blonde is driving down the road, when she rear ends another car. The driving of the car gets out, and it's a DWARF! The Dwarf looks at the huge dent in the car, turns to the blonde and says "I'M NOT HAPPY!"

The blonde says "well then...which one are you??"

2007-09-04 08:35:45 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-09-04 08:27:04 · 5 answers · asked by pazzygte 2

Harold is 92 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Center to sit, smoke a cigar, listen to music, ponder his accomplishments and reflect on his long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 86, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours had passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?" She asks, "What?" "SEX!!" he replies. Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."

"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood an d proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then, one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was OK. She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding Harold's manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing bastard! What does Ethel have that I don't have?"
Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's."

2007-09-04 08:23:48 · 3 answers · asked by ♥ Rachel The Great ♥ 4

Bob calls in to his job:
"Hey, boss I'm not coming to work today. I'm really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I'm not coming into work today."

The boss says:
"You know Bob I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."

2 hours later Bob calls:
"Boss, I did what you said and I feel great! I'll be at work soon. By the way, you got nice house."

2007-09-04 08:21:12 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Morris wakes up in the morning. He has a massive hangover and can't remember anything he did last night. He picks up his bath robe from the floor and puts it on. He notices there's something in one of the pockets and it turns out to be a bra. He thinks "bloody hell what happened last night??". He walks towards the bathroom and finds a panty in the other pocket of his robe. Again he thinks "what happened last night, what have I done? Must have been a wild party". He opens the bathroom door, walks in and has a look in the mirror. He notices a little bulge in his throat, and a string hanging out of his mouth, and his only thought is "Please, if there's a God, i hope thats a f*cking teabag."

2007-09-04 08:19:59 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-09-04 08:08:35 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Wilfred had just learned his abc's and was very scared of doing them in front of the class. The teacher, though, told him that the best way to conquer his fears would be to just go ahead and do it. So, trembling, he stood in front of the class and began.
"ABCDEFGHIJLKM
NOQRSTUVWXYZ."

"Very good, Wilfred. But you forgot the P. Where's the P?

"It's running down my leg."

2007-09-04 08:08:01 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Is a zebra white with black stripes or black with white stripes?

2007-09-04 08:05:18 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-09-04 07:57:41 · 15 answers · asked by pazzygte 2

It's been determined that it's a bad idea to give chocolate to a woman with PMS. It can worsen the condition.

However, it's an even WORSE idea to try to take AWAY chocolate from a woman with PMS

2007-09-04 07:55:50 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

TELEGRAM #1 A daughter sends a telegram to her father on her clearing B.Ed exams,Which the father receives as:"father, your daughter has been successful in BED."

TELEGRAM #2 A husband, while he is on a business trip to a hill station sends a telegram to his wife: "I wish you were here."The message received by wife: "I wish you were her."

TELEGRAM #3 A man wants to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a party. So He goes to order a birthday cake.The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake. Well he thinks for a while and says: Let's put, "you are not getting older you are getting better".The salesman asks, "How do you want me to put it?"The man says, Well put "You are not getting older", at the top and "!You are getting better" at the bottom.The real fun didn't start until the cake was opened the entire party watched the message decorated on the cake:"You are not getting older at the top, you are getting better at the bottom".

Need A Star.........:)

2007-09-04 07:55:04 · 3 answers · asked by blueblood 3

DAY 72 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 76 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 77 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 78 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was ...Hmmm. Not working according to plan ......

DAY 79 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 80 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 82 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

2007-09-04 07:52:04 · 18 answers · asked by "!" 5

Farmer Skyblucarp was taking his cow and it's new born calf to sell in the auction. On the way farmer Skyblucarp got robbed by thieves, who beat him up, stripped him of his clothes and tied him to a tree. Then taking the mother cow and Skyblucarp's clothes, the thieves escaped. They, however left the new born calf behind.

Poor farmer Skyblucarp suffered as for two days, he stood tied to a tree, stark naked and hungry. Fortunately, on the third day, some neighbors happened to pass by. They recognized skyblucarp and untied him. When they did, farmer skyblucarp picked up a huge stick and started bashing the calf with it.

"Why are you thrashing the poor calf?, his neighbors asked? To which farmer Skyblucarp replied, "I had to tell this beast for the past two days repeatedly that I am not your mother!, I am not your mother .......!!!"

2007-09-04 07:48:45 · 15 answers · asked by "!" 5

Three hicks were working on a telephone tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'."

She said, "No, I'm not a widow!"

And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.

2007-09-04 06:03:21 · 21 answers · asked by pheonix140180 3

Even though I know the answer, I have the urge to share this one with you:

A father and son get in a heavy car accident. The father dies, and the son is rushed to hospital by an ambulance. Upon arrival in the hospital the doctor says:
"This is my son!"
Question is: Who is the doctor?

2007-09-04 04:57:21 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Mother's Dictionary ...

* Amnesia: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to make love again.
* Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
* Family Planning: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
* Feedback: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
* Full Name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
* Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
* Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
* Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
* Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
* Ow: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
* Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
* Show-off: A child who is more talented than yours.
* Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
* Top Bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing superman pajamas.
* Two Minute Warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
* Verbal: Able to whine in words.
* Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house...
* Weekend: When dad gets to play golf while mom catches up on the laundry, cleans the house, runs errands, etc.

2007-09-04 04:11:17 · 16 answers · asked by princess5 2

Little MARK was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar
>> after another.
>>
>> After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son,
>>you
>> know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you
>>acne,
>> rot your teeth, and make you fat."
>> Little MARK replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
>> The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
>> Little MARK answered, "No, he minded his own f*****g business!"
>>

2007-09-04 03:30:30 · 10 answers · asked by angeleyes 2

taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams bloody murder, loses control of the cab, and swerves onto the sidewalk before stopping just inches from a lamppost.

After checking to make sure the passenger is OK, the driver says "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me!"

"Sorry. I didn't realize a simple tap on the shoulder would freak you out so much," the passenger says.

"It's not your fault," replies the cabbie.

"Today is my first day on the job after 25 years of driving a hearse"

2007-09-04 03:12:44 · 14 answers · asked by ☠CHUCKY ☠™ 7

Customer: "I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get
through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".
>------------------------------------------------- ----------------------
>------------------------------------------
>Samsung Electronics
>Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack ?"
>Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking
>about".
>Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly
states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack ?"
>Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".
>------------------------------------------------- ---------------------

2007-09-04 02:59:28 · 10 answers · asked by angeleyes 2

THE “RULES OF THE SOUTH” ARE AS FOLLOWS

1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Turn your cap right, your head isn’t crooked.
3. Let’s get this straight; it’s called a “gravel road.” I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matt how slow you drive, you’re going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
4. They care cattle. That’s why they smell to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don’t like it? I-20 goes ease and west, I-75 goes north and south. Pick one.
5. So you have a $60,000 car. We’re impressed. We have $250,000 cotton strippers that are driven only 3 wks a yr.
6. So every person in the south waves. It’s called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don’t have it up to your ear at the time.
8. Yeah, we eat catfish and crawfish. You really want sushi, caviar? It’s available at the corner bait shop.
9. The “Opener” refers to the first day of deer season. It’s a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.
11. No, there’s no “vegetarian special” on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chefs Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.
12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, veggies, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup!
13. You bring “coke” into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice. You bring “Mary Jane” into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.
15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don’t hit the water hazards it spooks the fish.
16. Colleges? We have them all over. We have State Universities, Universities, and Vo-tech. They come outta there with an education plus a love for GOD, and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come for the holidays.
17. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines. So don’t mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best.
18. The south is the greatest!! If you are from the south you are part of the best people in the USA!!

2007-09-04 02:57:39 · 23 answers · asked by LUCY JO 6

Seriously the only one i can remember, i thought i would share it, if one person laughs it'll be worth it - and yes, i know this isn't a question, what can i say -i'm feeling rebellious.

Duck walks into a bar
Duck: You got any bread
Barman: No this is a bar
Next day the same duck comes back in
Duck:You got any bread?
Barman: No mate, i told you yesterday, no bread - this is a bar
Next day the duck comes back
Barman: Before you ask, this is a bar, we serve drinks and crisps, we don't have bread
Next day the duck comes in again
Duck: Got any br..
Barman: Listen pal.. WE HAVENT GOT BREAD! IF YOU COME BACK IN HERE TOMORROW ASKING FOR BREAD I'M GONNA NAIL YOUR DAM BEAK TO THIS BAR!!!"
Next day same duck walks into the bar
Duck: You got any nails?
Barman: NO!
Duck: You got any bread.

x

2007-09-04 02:57:11 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of beer. Where upon he asks the drunkard, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunkard answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the him, "Brother have you found Jesus?" The drunkard replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus." The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again but for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?" The drunkard again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
By this time, the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks him in the water again --- but this time he holds him down for about 3 mins.

2007-09-04 02:56:44 · 6 answers · asked by naijagunner 4

A little fella(Nemesis) walks into a bar. Unfortunately, there is a pile of dog **** just inside the door, and he slips in it and falls over. He gets up, cleans himself up and walks to the bar and buys a drink.

A great big man (Skybluecarp) then enters the bar. He slips in the same pile of ****, falls, gets up, cleans up and buys a drink.

The little guy (Nemesis) turns to the big guy (Skybluecarp) and, trying to strike up a conversation, points to the pile by the door and says, "I just did that."

The big guy (Skybluecarp) punches him in the mouth.

2007-09-04 02:32:14 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. Two fathers and two sons went fishing they all caught a fish and they all brought there fish home. But they only brought back 3 fishes, what happened to the fourth fish?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How could that be?

3. This one is easy. What do you call a wife who knows where her husband lies down every night?
4. There are many doors and you are standing in the center.
Each door has lions in it who are hungry for more than 10 years. How will you go in the doors?
5. Using the numbers 1-9 (you can only use each number ONE time), make 3 rows of 3 so that the sum total of all 3 digits in any direction (vertical and horizontal) is 15? e.g.
* * *
* * *
* * *

2007-09-04 02:31:31 · 19 answers · asked by naijagunner 4

Mrs.Robinson,Howndog,or something else.

2007-09-04 02:28:48 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.

5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.

4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.

3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

2. The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".

And the number one reason computers are female...

1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it!

2007-09-04 02:28:46 · 31 answers · asked by vixen xx 3

Little Johnny's parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their son's behavior. His mother had heard that a priest in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if they should send Little Johnny to speak with the priest.

The husband said, "We might as well... we need to do something before I really lose my temper!"

The priest agreed to speak with Little Johnny. The priest sat him down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

Little Johnny made no response, so the priest repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"

Again, Little Johnny made no attempt to answer, so the priest raised his voice again and shook his finger in the boy's face, "Where is God?"

A frightened Little Johnny ran out of the room and directly home to his bedroom, where he slammed himself in the closet.

Little Johnny's mother followed him into the closet and asked, "What happened?"

2007-09-04 02:22:16 · 16 answers · asked by vixen xx 3

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for an al se x, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea.

The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"

She said that she did.

He asked, "Does it hurt you?"

She said no.

The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice ana l se x, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."

The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant from ana l s ex?"

The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"


*(sorry if any lawyers reading)*

2007-09-04 02:19:53 · 25 answers · asked by vixen xx 3

whats ur father's mother's sister's mother's daughter's brother's daughter's sister's mother's brother's sister's daughter's husband's wife's mother is to u


remember u r the only one child to ur parents

2007-09-04 02:19:42 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous