Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

...'I don't understand", said Donald,"Daisy's not insane!"
"I didn't say she was insane", replied the lawyer, "I said she was f...ing Goofy".

2007-09-05 16:40:52 · 18 answers · asked by MJR 5

A duck walks into a pub and says to the barman:
"Got any bread?"
Barman says :"No"
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No"
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread"
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any f***** bread"
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf, we haven't got any f***** bread, ask me again and i'll nail your f***** beak to the bar you irritating b****** bird"
Duck says; "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No"
Duck says: "Got any bread?"

2007-09-05 15:24:26 · 23 answers · asked by Maggs 5

A farmer and his wife were sitting in their kitchen talking about getting ready for bed when suddenly they saw a large alien saucer land in their field. Surprised, but not scared they went to offer the aliens shelter for the night. They all were having a fabulous time together and agreed to swap partners for the night to see what it would be like. The human female and the alien male went to a bedroom and unclothed. She looked at his and said "It doesn't look very long..are you sure it's ready? The male alien said to her "Twist my right ear." She did and it grew very large indeed. After seeing this she said: "That was amazing and not to be picky..but it's a little skinny, don't you think?" The alien told her to twist his left ear; so she did and it got very wide. The next morning the female human made coffee for her husband while she floated on the dream of the night before. He could already tell how her night went and really didn't need to ask, but he did so anyway. "Oh it was wonderful" she said. "And how about you?" His reply: "Oh it was alright...but really all she did was keep on twisting on my ears all night."

2007-09-05 15:05:11 · 7 answers · asked by Discovery 5

What kind of play action will Vick get in prison??



the QB Sneak!!

2007-09-05 14:45:16 · 2 answers · asked by James the Just 3

A preacher was driving past a church about two blocks from his own church and noticed a family of five laying on the lawn eating the grass. He stopped and asked what they were doing. The husband explained that they had lost everything and were hungry, and the only thing they could find to eat was the grass. The preacher pointed toward his own church and said "Come to my church and eat all you want!"
The husband asked excitedly "You have a soup kitchen?"
"No, the grass is three inches taller".

2007-09-05 14:18:27 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

This attractive woman walks in a church to confess.She goes in the confession booth and sais "Father, I hve sinned, but I dont know if God will ever forgive me" and the father replied,: "Do not worry, God forgives everything you might of done, so please, confess your sin to the Lord..."So the woman sais,:" Father, I have had sex with the priest that works at the church at the other side of the street..." and he replies,: "What you have done is not good my child, because you belong to this church."

2007-09-05 14:14:58 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q. Why couldn't the pony sing?




A. Ponies don't have vocal chords.

2007-09-05 14:14:12 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

it was raining so they took shelter in a barn.quick the farmers coming we'll hide in these sacks.
the farmer prods the first sack the englishmans sack, mee ow was the reply. the farmer thought its ok its only a cat. he prods the second sack, the scotsmans sack. woof woof was the reply.the farmer thought ok its only a dog. he prods the third sack, the irishmans sack who replied potatoes.

2007-09-05 13:25:36 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day, there were 3 kids that went hiking in the woods.One was named Stupid, the other No-One and the 3rd one Nobody.

While they were hinking, No-One fell into a deep hole.So then Nobody sent Stupid to go and get some help.He ran and ran until he found a ranger station.He opend the door, ran in to the nearest ranger and said,:

"Hi, Im Stupid.Nobody sent me here because No-One fell in the hole!"

2007-09-05 12:34:40 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

every one caught a fish,can you explan what happen........

2007-09-05 12:10:14 · 10 answers · asked by baby85blue20 1

they worked high up on a building site
one day the English man said If my wife gives me Ham butties again tomorrow l swear l will jump for the last two years all she has given me is ham
the Scottish man opened his lunch and inside was cheese
for the last year all my wife has made is cheese sandwiches if l get the same again tomorrow l will jump
the Irishman opened his lunch l too have had the same lunch for a year and l am fed up with beef if l get the same tomorrow l will join you both
the next day the English man opened his sandwiches and it was ham buttiesThats it he said and jumped to his death
the Scottish man opened his lunch and there were cheese sandwiches he too jumped
the Irish man then opened his lunch and sure enough there where beef sandwiches
so he jumped
at the funeral the English wife said if he had only said l could have varied his lunch
so could l said the Scottish wife
well said the Irish wife l dont understand it
he always make his own lunch

2007-09-05 12:07:36 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Blonde calls 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cries.

The dispatcher says, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." he says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

2007-09-05 11:39:57 · 17 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

I need help figuring this out, if you know anything, tell me.
[I think this is how it goes]

"There is this gorilla, who is broke and wants to get out of the circus.
So he stole three gold balls, put it on his pouch and escaped the circus.
Two men chased the gorilla all over the place, but the gorilla is trapped in a bridge.
The bridge can only carry 102 kg.
The gorilla is 100 kg"
One gold ball is 1 kg each, there are three.
He did escape, but how did he make it on the other side?
[He needs all three gold balls to get the money, so if he's missing one, he can't get money.]"

2007-09-05 11:07:53 · 8 answers · asked by Ampere M 2

2007-09-05 10:58:37 · 4 answers · asked by Desert Sienna 4

One of my pals gave me this riddle.... haven't got a clue what smart answer I can give him back... Please help!!

2007-09-05 10:53:03 · 3 answers · asked by roguephoenixmystique 2

2007-09-05 10:39:57 · 13 answers · asked by kisser 4

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying a cocktail after work one night, when the bar door opened and the most gorgeous hunk of a man she had ever seen entered.





He was tall, muscular, and handsome, with thick dark hair and beautiful, sparkling green eyes, and his every movement was so masculine and sensuous that the woman could not help but stare.





The man noticed that he was the object of the woman's rapt attention, and with a sly, sexy smile, approached her. Blushing, she prepared to apologize for staring, but he leaned close and whispered in her ear.






"I'll do anything," he whispered in a deep, soft voice. "Anything, absolutely anything you want, anything you have ever fantasized, for fifty dollars. There's just one condition..."


Trembling with anticipation, the woman asked him the condition. The man said, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."









The women gazed into his hypnotic eyes, considering the proposition, then reached into her handbag and took out fifty dollars. She scribbled her address on a napkin, folded it around the cash, and pressed it into his waiting hand. She leaned over and whispered into his ear...


"Clean... my... house."

2007-09-05 10:00:43 · 32 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom?
2. How many states are there? ( don't laugh, some people don't know)
3. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty's torch?
4. What 6 colors are on the classic Campbell's soup label?
5. What 2 letters don't appear on the telephone dial? ( no cheating)!
6. What 2 telephone #'s don't have letters by them?
7. When you walk does your left arm swing w/your right or left leg?
8. How many matches are in a standard pack?
9. On our flag, is the top stripe red or white?
10. What is the lowest # on the FM dial?
11. Which way does water go down the drain, counter or clockwise?
12. Which way does a "no smoking" sign's slash run?
13. How many channels on a VHF TV dial?
14. Which side of a women's blouse are the buttons on?
15. On a NY license plate, is New York on the top or bottom?
16. Which way do fans rotate?
17. Whose face is on a dime?
18. How many sides does a stop sign have?
19. Do books have even # pages on the right or left side?
20. How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel?
21. How many sides are there on a standard pencil?
22. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc. Who's missing?
23. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package?
25. On which card is the cardmaker's trademark?
26. On which side of a venetian blind is the cord that adjusts the opening between the slats?
27. On the back of a one dollar bill, what is in the center?
28. There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. What 2 symbols bear no digits?
29. How many curves are in a standard paper clip?
30. Does a merry-go-round turn counter or clockwise?

2007-09-05 08:47:10 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2 Large jugs….. of milk
2 Nuts
2 Pairs of tanned & toned legs
2 Pairs of loving arms
1 Firm & ripe banana
1 Small & tight mixing bowl
1 Squirt of cream
Directions
1. Spread tanned & toned legs with loving arms
2. Carefully caress & massage jugs of milk
3. Steadily add the firm banana to mixing bowl easing in & out until fully creamed
4. As temperature increases, plunge banana deeper into mixing bowl, cover with nuts then leave to soak
5. When fully beaten, top with whipped cream
6. Recipe finished when banana is soft
7. If banana is not soft, repeat steps 2-5
Notes
1. Always wash utensils before & after use
2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use

2007-09-05 08:34:25 · 10 answers · asked by puma 4

A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.

With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged him down stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vice.
She secured it tightly then removed the handle from the vice'.

Next she approached him with a hacksaw.

The husband, terrified, screamed "Stop! Stop! You're not going to...to...cut it off are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said "Nope, you will do it yourself. I'm just going to set the garage on fire

2007-09-05 07:32:35 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman say's, "I hear that you've been telling people that I'm ugly!"

"Oh, no! I"ve just been saying that your new hairdo makes you less attractive."

"I also heard that you have been calling me fat!"

"Oh, no I just said that the way you wear those stripes makes you look larger than you really are."

"I also heard that you're saying that my husband has a wart on his dick!"

"Oh no! I only said it feels like he has a wart on his dick!"

2007-09-05 07:28:59 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q: Why do blonde's drive BMW's instead of Porsche's?

A: They can't spell Porsche.




A drunk guy walks into a bar. He looks to the left and says "You're all a bunch of assholes". Then he looks to the right and says "you're all a bunch of queers".

Suddenly, a man on the left side of the room jumps up starts to run to the other side of the room. The drunk guy roars, "where do you think you're going".

To which the man replies, "I'm on the wrong side of the room".


There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their Asses!

85% of women think their *** is too big

10% of women think their *** is too little

The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, And they would have married him anyway.

2007-09-05 07:03:10 · 4 answers · asked by ☆STAR☆ 3

Q: Why are hurricanes like women?

A: Because when the come they are warm wet and windy and when they leave they take the house, the car and the money...

2007-09-05 06:58:48 · 18 answers · asked by ☆STAR☆ 3

Q: Why is divorce so expensive?

A: Because it's worth it.




A man comes home late one night, drunk.

"Where have you been?" asks his wife.

"In the Golden Bar! They have golden chairs, golden glasses, golden beer, and a golden urinal!"

This sounds awfully suspicious to the wife, who calls the Golden Bar.

"Do you have golden chairs?"

"Yes."

"Do you have golden glasses?"

"Yes."

"Do you have golden beer?"

"Yes."

"Do you have a golden urinal?"

"Hold on." On the other end, she hears "I think we have a line on the guy who pissed in your saxophone."

2007-09-05 06:53:40 · 7 answers · asked by ☆STAR☆ 3

Two hillbillies walk into a Dairy Queen. While having a couple
of Blizzards, they talk privately about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, eating a chicken
sandwich, begins to cough. After a while, it becomes apparent
that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"
The woman shakes her head No.

"Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue, eyes widen
and shakes her head No.

The hillbilly strolls over to the woman, lifts up the back of
her dress, long lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked
that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of
her mouth. She begins to breathe again.

The hillbilly ambles smugly back to his table. His buddy says,
"Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver',
but I ain't never seed nobody do it".

2007-09-05 06:30:50 · 8 answers · asked by ? 7

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a
substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?

2007-09-05 06:23:39 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but mens noses and ears never stop growing.

When Coca-Cola began to be sold in China, they used characters that would sound like "Coca-Cola" when spoken. Unfortunately, what they turned out to mean was "Bite the wax tadpole". It did not sell well.

Tomatoes and cucumbers are fruits.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.

2007-09-05 06:19:29 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a life sentence.

Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.

Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.

Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.

Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.

Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "rings":
* The Engagement Ring
* The Wedding Ring
* The Suffe-Ring
* The Endu-Ring

Married life is full of excitement and frustration:
* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

2007-09-05 06:09:32 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?" Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son, is your Grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

The minister fainted.

Now, that is funny.....I don't care who you are!

2007-09-05 06:08:42 · 8 answers · asked by TrueBelle 2

Fastest Thing!
A man is walking home through a park one night after a fancy dress party. While he is walking home he feels the need to s**t so he crouches down on the grass and does his business.

Just as he is finishing he sees a policeman walking towards him.

He covers the s**t with his hat. When the policeman arrives he asks the man, "What have you go under there?"

The man replies, "I just caught the fastest thing in the world."

The policeman says, "Let me have a look."

The man replies, "As I said, it's the fastest thing in the world. If I take the hat off it it will get away."

The policeman tells the man, "Take the top hat off and as soon as you do I will catch it."

The man replies, "OK if you insist."

When the man lifts the top hat the policeman tries to grab it and gets a handful of s**t.

"What's this?" he screams at the man. "I told you it was the fastest thing in the world." the man replies, "But you sure scared the s**t out of it."

2007-09-05 06:00:22 · 2 answers · asked by ANGEL 3