Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest cough to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.

The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replies, "No use knocking, there's no paper in this one either."

2007-09-05 05:37:39 · 11 answers · asked by angeleyes 2

invite neil armstrong over for a barbeque

2007-09-05 05:31:38 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

2007-09-05 05:21:21 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

I turn polar bears white
And I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
And girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
And normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
And make your champagne bubble.
If you squeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle

2007-09-05 05:03:08 · 14 answers · asked by tina bina 1

Three old mischievous Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home.

About then an old Grandpa walked by, and one of the old Grandma's yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell l exactly how old you are.

" The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools."

One of the old Grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your under shorts and we can tell your exact age."

Embarrassed just a little, he dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to turn around a couple of times, asked him to

jump up and down for a little while and then they all piped up and said,

"You're 84 years old!"

"How in the world did you guess?"

The old Grandmas snickered and laughed.

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three happily yelled in unison,

"Because we were at your birthday party yesterday."

2007-09-05 04:06:44 · 30 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

It's available on Sky paper view

2007-09-05 03:48:02 · 9 answers · asked by Beans? 3

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.

A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.

A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there?", he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts."

The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

2007-09-05 02:56:37 · 18 answers · asked by Sweety 3

The blonde sits down before the eye doctor explaining she's losing her sight. He sets up the eye chart, but she tells him she can't even see it.

"Well, he asks, "can you count the number of diplomas on the wall?"

"No," she responds, "too blurry."

So he unzips his fly and pulls out his pecker and asks, "can you see this?"

"Yes," she replies, "that's your pe nis!"

"I knew it," says the Doc, "you're coc keyed!"

2007-09-05 01:26:38 · 14 answers · asked by vixen xx 3

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, Becky


The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty girls he had collected from his buddies.

There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:


Dear Becky,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care, Ricky

2007-09-05 00:41:08 · 22 answers · asked by tastybits 7

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

But,
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

And,
B U L L S H *T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bullsh*t will put you over the top.

And look how far a** kissing will take you.

A ** K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%

2007-09-05 00:15:53 · 28 answers · asked by tastybits 7

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

2007-09-05 00:04:26 · 17 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.

The first guy says "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you now....
Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful; Intelligent; Ecologist"

The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know....
Double Income, No Kids." The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know.... Rich, Urban, Biker."

They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you?"
She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you know....Wash, Iron, ****, Etc."

So, just exactly what is a *****?

B - BABE
I - IN
T - TOTAL
C - CONTROL OF
H - HERSELF

So ladies, next time somebody calls you a *****.......

SMILE.........

And say Thank You!

2007-09-05 00:04:12 · 20 answers · asked by tastybits 7

One day a child was watching TV while his parents were fighting.his mom said many badwords to his father.the boy approached his father and asked him a question(his father is very stupid),"daddy i heard mommy say words very unfamiliar to me,he said,like what,father said,the kid said,"porno whats porno?".Porno means "TV" what else?whats the meaning of balls?Balls means a "cane" what else?whats the meaning of ************?************ means "mother " what else?Thats all father,he said,im going to see the priest the kid said.So the kid visited the priest and told the priest about what happened at home.what were you doing before your parents were fighting?the priest asked,I was watching porno,the kid said.the priest was shocked on what the boy said and dropped his cane.Father you dropped your balls!kid said,My lord where did you learn all thismthe priest asked,and the kid said,I learned this from my ************.

2007-09-04 23:00:04 · 5 answers · asked by Carlo T 2

Men are like....Laxatives. They irritate the sh*t out of you.

Men are like....Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like ....Vacations. They never seem long enough.

Men are like....Bank machines.Once they withdraw they lose interest.

Men are like ....Weather. Nothing can be done about either one of them.

Men are like....Blenders. You need one but your not quite sure why.

Men are like....Cement. After getting laid, they take along time to get hard.

Men are like....Chocolate Bars. Sweet,smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like....Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like....Commercials. You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like....Department Stores. Their clothes should always be half off.

Men are like....Government Bonds. They take so long to mature.

Men are like....Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

l

2007-09-04 23:00:03 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q: What do you give nin-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday?
A: I don't know, but you'd better hope he likes it!
Q: What song should you sing to a wildebeest on his birthday?
A: "Happy Birthday To Gnu!"

"Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake."
Next time, take off the candles."

Q: Did you hear about the flag's birthday?
A: It was a flappy one!

Q: Did you hear about the tree's birthday?
A: It was a sappy one!

Q: What did the ice cream say to the unhappy cake?
A: "Hey, what's eating you?"

Q: Did you hear about the dancer's birthday?
A: It was a tappy one!

2007-09-04 22:42:32 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I've been arrested three times for practicing.
There is a right way, a wrong way, and my way to do everything
Hanson's Treatment of Time: There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days before Saturday.
For every problem, there is a neat, plain solution...and it is always wrong
Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it
If you are feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
It is not true that life is one thing after another, it's one stupid thing over and over.
As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?

2007-09-04 22:38:39 · 9 answers · asked by pheonix140180 3

If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?

If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?

If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
Everyone has a photographic memory. But some folks don't have film.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?

Why are wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?

Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?

Does killing time damage eternity?

Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?

If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?

Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

How can someone "draw a blank"?

Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?

2007-09-04 22:22:02 · 20 answers · asked by pheonix140180 3

2007-09-04 22:19:30 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Things to ponder
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
Why do they report power outages on TV?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for thesaurus?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

How do I set my laser printer on stun?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

2007-09-04 22:18:47 · 10 answers · asked by pheonix140180 3

This farmer has 500 hens but no rooster so he goes to his neighbor and asks him if he could buy a rooster for $100.
The neighbor says, "You can have this rooster. His name's Roy. He'll get all your hens pregnant. He's a real stud."

So the farmer takes him home and says, "It's your first day so take it slow, okay?"

The farmer puts Roy in the hen house and then hears all the hens crying and yelling. Roy nailed every one of those hens and then nailed a duck and a goose at a pond.

The next morning the farmer finds Roy lying dead with his legs sticking in the air and buzzards circling overhead.

The farmer says, "Roy, did you have to die?"

Roy says, "Quiet! They're about to land!"

----------------
"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." Henry Kissinger (former US Secretary of State)
"Things you'll never hear a woman say: 'My, what an attractive scrotum!' Patricia Arquette

"And God said: "Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan." George Burns

"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." Carmen Boyle (Olympic gold medalist in luge, 1966)

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading." Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)

"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee-the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." Dan Rather (News anchorman)

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?" Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." Tiger Woods

"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)

"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot." Axel Rose (Guns'n'Roses)

"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." Rev. Jesse Jackson

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-*****." Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." Roseanne

"In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts?" Hugh Grant

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" Dustin Hoffman

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." Rod Stewart., aging cover band singer

2007-09-04 21:24:19 · 13 answers · asked by pheonix140180 3

it started out like this:
rear-ended a car this morning. I knew it was going to be a REALLY bad
day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well then, which one ARE you?'
That's how the fight started.

2007-09-04 21:21:16 · 8 answers · asked by Gina B 4

a man living in a block of flats answers his front door to find the tv license man standing ther .hello sir he says i have just detected you using a tv with out a license. OK says the man ive judt moved in and i have not got one .The man from the detector van being in a good mood says i will give you untill tomorow to buy one and i will be back to check it if you do not have one , then i will give you the fine . OK says the owner of the flat i will get one today .
The next day true to his word the dector man is back but on his way into the block of flats he bumps into the owner of the flat running out. Sorry says the man but i have got an emergency i got the license its in the flat on the mantel peice behind the clock my dads there go up and he will show it to you. So the man from the detector van goes up to the flat and knocks at the door. I have come to see your tv license its on the mantel peice behind the clock he says to the dad which he replies
bloody hell them vans are good

2007-09-04 21:16:52 · 8 answers · asked by mark the spark 4

i am the begining of the end. you can see me twice in a week butnot in a day, once in a year but not in a mongh, who am i?

2007-09-04 21:08:39 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

during the second world war an english irish and scotsman all escape from a prisoner of war camp but with the germans in hot pursuit they need to hide quick
so they all duck into and old barn and just in time as they hear the germans aproaching
we'll need to find somewhere in here to hide says the englishman
so the scotsman suggests they hide in some old potato sacks
as they climb into the sacks the germans enter the barn and start searching round
before long they come across the sacks and the german officer kicks the first sack with the englishman in it

"woof woof" says the english man

leave zis sack alone as it only has ze dog in zer
says the german

he then goes to the second sack with the scotsman in and kicks it

"meow" says the sack

leave it alone zis is just ze cat

so he comes to the third sack with the irishman in it and gives it a kick and the voice inside goes

"Potato's Potato's"

2007-09-04 21:00:35 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

i've already asked this Q? answer for easy 10 points!!

2007-09-04 20:13:55 · 14 answers · asked by Solo Preguntar 3

Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or any thing. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.


Your EX-Wife


P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

2007-09-04 20:08:45 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.
The local newspaper read:
'PASTOR'S A.S.S OUT FRONT'
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity
that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local newspaper headline read:
'BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S A.S.S'
This was too much for the bishop
so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
'NUN HAS BEST A.S.S IN TOWN'
The bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey,
so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:
'NUN SELLS HER A.S.S FOR $10'
As a last resort the bishop ordered the nun to buy back the donkey
and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
'NUN ANNOUNCES...HER A.S.S IS WILD AND FREE'
The bishop was buried the next day....
The moral of the story is...being concerned about public opinion
can bring you much grief and misery ...and even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life.....
Only worry about your own A.S.S, not someone else's.....
You'll be a lot happier and live longer.

2007-09-04 19:11:31 · 42 answers · asked by vijay m Indian Lawyer 7

and drowned... The Brewery Manager, the Parish Priest, and the Captain of the Guarda broke the news to the Widow Murphy that she had lost her husband to an Industrial accident.

The tearful widow said "At least it was a painless and quick death for me dear husband"

The Brewery manager Says "Painless to be sure but quick I can't say.... He got out Three times to go the bog before he went down for the last time.....

2007-09-04 18:31:01 · 2 answers · asked by steve.57343 5

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a check-up. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a check-up. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on you chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a check-up. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

2007-09-04 18:25:36 · 12 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

There were 3 men who decided 2 go camping.
As soon as they set up their tent, they went straight to sleep.
In the morning the guy who slept on the left side said, "I had a dream last night that somone was pulling my %%%%'
The guy who slept on the right side also said, 'I had a dream last night that someone was pulling my %%%% too!'
Then the guy who slept in the middle said, 'I had a dream last night, that I was skiing!'

2007-09-04 18:22:30 · 7 answers · asked by Renae M 1