Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.

She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, - "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!!!"

2007-09-06 04:38:16 · 4 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

Dear Diary,

Monday:
Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home, it's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow enough bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine.

Tuesday:
We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. But, Bob happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. Did they ever look startled when I served the salad.

Wednesday:
I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the week. I can't say it improved the rice any.

Thursday:
Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, "Prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted all over the garden by my mom's. So I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there one hour so the dog would not take it. Bob came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why?

Friday:
Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "Put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did, right over to my mom's house. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again it looked the same as when I left it.

Saturday:
Bob went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found a doll dress and some little shoes. I thought the hen looked real cute. When Bob saw it, I wondered why he counted to 10.

Sunday:
Today Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast, but all we had in the icebox, was hamburger. So I put it in the oven and set the controls for roast. Must be the oven, because it still came out hamburger.

Good night, Dear Diary.

This has been an exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come, so I can try a new recipe on Bob.

2007-09-06 04:37:34 · 15 answers · asked by tastybits 7

Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked him mom, "Where'd we get him?"
His mother replied, "He came from heaven."
Johnny says, "WOW! I can see why they threw him out!"

"Comma Cat"
What is the difference between a cat & a comma?
One has the paws before the clause & the other has the clause before the pause.

"Overheard in a Computer Shop"
Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat please."
Salesperson: Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."
Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"

2007-09-06 04:31:37 · 9 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

...explain! I dont get it!

2007-09-06 04:07:02 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

You can find this riddle and others as well as answers on http://www.mindchallenger.com See if you can get it on your own.

I am found on every playground.
I am found in every office building
I am long... but also short
I am fat but sometimes skinny
I make dogs bark
And fat people cry
You can place a bet on me
I have more numbers than a phone book
I am lighter than a feather... but i have enough strength to kill a black bear..
Colleges despise me and preschoolers love me...

What am I?

2007-09-06 04:01:07 · 8 answers · asked by J S 2

Call from a vendor wanting me to sell their products.

"I. Use this my name is jimmy and window what's on both sides for. the reason for my college or some look into office mode or workers here. And i've seen where you shown an interest you know cos the past. Just want to touch base with you do some follow ups to verify. If you're currently in and user or reseller. Also them to see if you'd be interested in taking a look at some of our latest releases. we're having a some free value way synching terms of. Entex by warm our protection. Also. You know security solutions. if you're interested feel free to give me a call. Oh my here seventy 7. 462. When were ones you were 1. And my extension is 321. Thank you."

2007-09-06 03:54:05 · 4 answers · asked by joezen777 5

lorna and loren have the same parents, they look exactly alike, they live in the same house but they are not twins! how is this possible

2007-09-06 03:45:01 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

______________________________________________
DR PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.
____________________________________________________
OPRAH:
Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
____________________________________________________

2007-09-06 03:29:01 · 6 answers · asked by Steve C 7

A drunken Jim jnr m staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still Jim jnr m says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, Jim jnr m replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."

2007-09-06 03:04:40 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

So, there's this teenage boy, he's got a really hot girlfriend but no idea about sex, so he asks his dad for advice.

Boy: Dad, dad, my girlfriend wants to have sex, dad, what do I do?
Dad: Get her to come round here, I'll be here so you can ask me if you need advice...
So his girlfriend comes round, she's quite forward so heads straight upstairs.
Boy: Dad, dad, she going upstairs dad, want do I do?
Dad: Follow her upstairs
Boy: Dad, dad, she's taking her clothes off dad, what should I do?
Dad: Take your clothes off
Boy: Dad, dad, she's getting into bed dad, what should I do?
Dad: Get in with her
Boy: Dad, dad she says she's ready dad, what should I do?
Dad: Stick your hairy bit in.
The dad doesn't here anything for a while, so presumes all is going well - 10 minutes later.
Boy: Dad, dad, I've got my head stuck ...

Another oldie but goodie, very funny when drunk.

2007-09-06 03:04:20 · 14 answers · asked by Dizbutt 2

what do women and KFC have in common ................ when your done with the breasts an thighs all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in lol hehehehe

2007-09-06 02:46:10 · 16 answers · asked by kris d 4

A doctor tells a rich old man that he's going to die if he doesn't get a new heart soon.

The old man tells the doctor to search the world for the best heart available, money is no object. A few days later the doctor calls the old man and says he has found three hearts but they are all expensive.

The old man reminds the doctor that he is filthy rich and implores him to tell him about the donors they came from.

'Well, the first one belonged to 22 year old marathon runner, never smoked, ate only the most healthy foods, was in peak condition when he was hit by a bus. No damage to the heart, of course. But it costs $100,000!'

The old man, waving off the last part about the cost, asks the doctor to tell him about the second donor.

'This one belonged to a 16 year old long-distance swimmer, high school kid. Lean and mean. Drowned when he hit his head on the side of the pool. That heart'll set you back $150,000!'

'Okay,' said the old man, 'what about the third heart?'

'Well this one belonged to a 58 year-old man, smoked three packs of cigarettes a day, weighed over 300 pounds, never exercised, drank like a fish... this heart is going for $500,000!!!'

'Five-hundred grand?!?!', the old man exclaimed, 'why so expensive?'

'Well', said the doctor, 'this heart belonged to a lawyer... so it was never used!'

2007-09-06 02:17:27 · 16 answers · asked by "!" 5

teacher: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
maria : Here it is!
teacher: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
class : Maria!
************************************
teacher--how do u spell crocodile?
jack-- k-r-o-k-o-d-i-e-l
teacher--thats wrong!
jack--but u asked me how do i spell it,,
*********************************
teacher--give me a sentence starting with letter 'i'
sam-- i is............
teacher-- sam, u should always say 'am' after 'i'
sam--okay teacher, i am the ninth letter in english alphabet
************************************
teacher-- 2 + 3 = 5
jim--but yesterday itself u said 4 + 1 =5
***********************************



*star if u like them*

2007-09-06 02:10:51 · 9 answers · asked by gunkedar 2

1. Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.


2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.


3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!


4. They said we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried- but they wanted cash.


5. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.


6. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.


7. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without... but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.


8. You can't buy love. . But you pay heavily for it.


9. True friends stab you in the front.


10. Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.


11. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.


12. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

2007-09-06 01:57:40 · 5 answers · asked by Soft Heart 6

A man and his local vicar were playing golf. The man had a terrible short game and kept missing crucial three foot puts.

At the 3rd he missed one and exclaimed "f*ck, I missed!!" To which the vicar replied, "You should curb your language my son or God will strike you down."

At the fifteenth the man missed another sitter and again cried, "f*ck I missed!!!!"

The vicar again warned the man about the virtues of an unclean tongue. At the eighteenth the man missed yet another 3 footer and yelled in frustration, "f*ck, I missed."

The viacr was livid, "May god have mercy upon you soul my son for surely the Lord will strike you down."

As the vicar was speaking, dark clouds had been building up over the eighteenth green and no sooner had the vicar stopped speaking did an enormous bolt of lightening stike the vicar to ash. At which a big booming voice filled the air, "F*CK, I MISSED!!"

2007-09-06 01:35:54 · 21 answers · asked by tastybits 7

I'm new to this whole yahoo ask and answer ordeal, but i have to say -- i've given some gosh darn good answers and havn't recieved a "best" award yet. (When I Say new, this is my third day. What can i say? I have little patience, lol)

So, I'm off to bed very shortly, and i'm posing this task to anyone who chooses to attempt: no question is involved here. Best answer goes to the one who can make me smile and/or (more preferably) laugh my bum off when i wake up this afternoon.

The floor is yours ~

2007-09-06 01:00:31 · 4 answers · asked by Jewls 3

A man went to the doctors one day. After meeting and greeting the doctor, the doctor asked him, 'so what is the problem?'.
The man replied, 'when i pull down my pants you have to promise not to laugh'.
The doctor looked at him and said, 'ofcourse i promise, this is my job, i wouldn't dare laugh at any of my patients'.
So the man pulled down his pants and there it was, his little thing was the size of a small AAA battery. The couldn't help it and started laughing, he laughed soo much that he fell down on his knees, laughed and laughed, then finally pulled himself together and got him self up.
The man stood there looking embarrsed and shocked.
'sorry, i am so sorry i couldn't help it, promise nothing like this will happen ever agian. now tell me what is the problem with it?' said the doc.
'well it's swollen', replied the man.

2007-09-05 23:47:36 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Any advice gratefully received. x

2007-09-05 23:11:17 · 20 answers · asked by Ginny Jin 7

Johnny wanted to screw a girl in his class,but she belonged to someone else.One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll give you a 1000 dollars if you let me screw you,but the girl said NO.Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend, so she called her boyfriend and told him the story.Her boyfriend says ask him for 2000 dollars, pick up the money very fast,he won't even be able to get his pants down. So she agrees and accepts the proposal. 30 mins goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 mins the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.She said "THE BASTARD USED COINS!!!!

2007-09-05 22:58:53 · 7 answers · asked by naijagunner 4

the Australian Government won't allow live sheep imports what can i do i love her

2007-09-05 22:50:08 · 2 answers · asked by Conan 3

2007-09-05 22:47:52 · 11 answers · asked by Jared 2

True extracts from UK Insurance Claim forms; These were collected by Norwich Union for their annual Christmas magazine.

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."
-----
"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realized the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."
-----
Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Traveled by bus?
-----
This Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:
Q - What warning was given by you?
A - Horn
Q - What warning was given by the other party?
A - Moo
-----
"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."
-----
"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."
-----
"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."
-----
"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"
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"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."
-----
Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature?
A: I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan.
-----
"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."
-----
"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."
-----
"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"
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"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."
-----
"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."
-----
"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way"
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"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face"
-----
"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car"
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"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
-----
"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not seethe other car."
-----
"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."
-----
"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian."
-----
"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."
-----
"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."
-----
"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

2007-09-05 22:36:57 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

This is not a cocktail named after the rapper But a fantastic trick to play on friends and foes xx wait for someone to buy a drink (make sure its expensive) and then bet them 50 cents that you can drink the drink without touching the glass or table or by using a straw ???

when they accept simply pick up their drink and start drinking it and hand the victim a 50 cents peice. you lost the bet but you have a cheeap drink xxx

2007-09-05 22:36:31 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

A pig's org*sm lasts for 30 minutes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

All Polar bears are left-handed.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.

Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, dogs only have about ten.

Cat's urine glows under a black light.

China has more English speakers than the United States.

Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

2007-09-05 22:22:41 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

for the third time in one week, and found the boss waiting for him.

"What's the story this time, Conan?" the boss asked sarcastically. "Let me hear a good excuse for a change."

Conan sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. My wife decided to drive me to the station. I told her I was in a hurry, but she got ready in ten minutes just to take me. When we were on our way, the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river - look, my suit's still damp - ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."

"You'll have to do better than that,Conan ," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."

2007-09-05 22:16:14 · 3 answers · asked by Conan 3

Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot.

The Indian man said to the American,

" You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once. We call this arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love...I told them that openly and now I have a hell lot of family problems."


The American said, "Talking about love marriages... I'll tell you my story.

I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years."After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law.

The American continued,

My daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother. More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son i.e. my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson.
And you say you have family problems.... Give me a break!!"

2007-09-05 21:59:03 · 32 answers · asked by shaktimaan 5

Two retired professors were on holiday with their wives at an hotel in the Cotskills. They were sitting on the verandah one summer evenng watching the sun set.
The history professor asked the pyschiolgy professor " Have you read Marx?" to which the professor of psychology replied...."Yes, and I think its these pesky wicker chairs!"

2007-09-05 21:08:20 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

So lets just say for work wasting time and brain ticking, that your walking down a road right, and you come to a fork in the road, the kind that splits the road into two seperate ways, not an actual fork you hungry thinking mugs. Anyway theres two people standing at the start of these roads, one on each road.

All you know is that, one way leads to home and the other death, holy moly! And that one of these guys has to always tell the truth and the other has to always lie. You have no idea which way is home or death and also lets say these chumps are identical twins so you got no clue whos who, blimey.

So peeps, you can only ask one question and one question only. This question has to lead you to home of course, and can be asked to any of those two chumps standing in the way.

Good luck!

2007-09-05 21:00:51 · 25 answers · asked by Jared 2

Mary Poppins was travelling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

"Certainly madam", he replied courteously.

"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.

"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.

"Certainly madam," he replied.

"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely.

The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs please," Mary mused.

After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night. The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out.

The same guy was still on the desk. "Morning madam...sleep well?" "Yes, thank you," Mary replied. "Food to your liking?"

"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs tho....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.

"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.

"Ok I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who then checked out, paused awhile, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey. Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written. Here it is.........

"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!!!!

2007-09-05 20:58:45 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q) Why did God give women arms?

A) Do u realise how long it would take to lick a bathroom clean..


Q) What do gays and ambulances have in comm on?

A) They both load from the back and go "woo woo"..


Q) What's the difference between oral s*x and an*l s*x?

A) Oral s*x makes your day, an*l s*x makes your h*le weak.


Q) Whats green slimy and smells like miss piggy?

A) Kermitt's finger.


Q) Whats do American beer & Rowing have in common?

A) They are both close to water..


Q) Whats the differnce between a *ampon and a cowboy hat?

A) Cowboy hats are for a*sholes.


Woman: "why dont u call my name out during s*x??
Man: "Because i dont want to wake you".


Q) How do u teach a blonde mathematics?

A) Subtract her clothes half hers legs followed by a square root..


Q) What do u call a woman with her tongue out ?

A) A l**bian with a hard on.

2007-09-05 20:02:19 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous