Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened
from a good night's sleep.

He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me."

"Why not?" he asks.

She answers back, "Because I'm dead."

The husband says, "What are you talking about?

We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another."

She says, "No, I'm definitely dead."

He insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think
you're dead?"

"Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts".

2007-09-07 16:34:22 · 13 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

what would happen if I went to Alaska to catch a polar bear....do you think I could cut a round hole in the ice and line it with a can of peas...and then wait for the bear and when he came to take a pea...kick him in the a..hole?

2007-09-07 15:18:08 · 7 answers · asked by foxxybabe0430 4

I'm sure that upon reading this, you'll nod your head in agreement as you will all have experienced most, if not all of the scenarios listed. If you haven't you need more fiber.....

The Perfect Dump

Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It's rare but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worse, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fart-less masterpiece that breaks the water with the splash-less grace of an Olympic high-diving champion. You use the toilet tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right in the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it.



The Beer Dump

Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result of too many beers - doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog that could close the bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill advised.....



The Chilli Dump (aka The Japanese Flag)

Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. It stays with you all day stinging yer ring and generally making your choccie starfish feel like the Shuttle's heat shield. Also makes your *** look like "a Japanese Flag".



The Empty Roll Dump

Relief - you've finished and reach for the tissue only to find an empty cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You could use the curtains but then someone would ask "where are the curtains?" Use the rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper " must face.....pull up yer kecks tighten yer cheeks and shuffle yourself to the nearest loo roll. Failing that you could always use your shirt-tail or one of your socks!



The Splash Back Dump

This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water that washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now your wet - and embarrassed if the column of water went half way up your back. Tip of the day: blot instead of wiping.



The Childbirth Dump

This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf!" There are only three things you can do: 1. Scream 2. Call an Obstetrician 3. Hope to hell you've got some Vaseline to help you get through it.



The Machine Gun Dump

Best utilized in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the tranquility like machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits the floor like a Vietnam veteran, cradling his umbrella like a M16....damn commies.



The Sound Effect Dump

You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is of the essence. At the precise moment of release, try the following: 1. Flush the toilet 2. Drop loose change on the floor, 3. Sing the first two stanzas of your favorite opera.



The Cling-On Dump

You've finished but there's one damn morsel that refuses to drop. You grip the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but the little bastard just hands there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the water below. If only you had some scissors.......



The Whole Roll Dump

No matter how much you wipe, it just isn't enough. You blow the whole roll and have to flush at least a dozen times. The whole episode is consumer waste. Eventually if your toilet paper runs into minimal supply anything will do, towels, wash clothes, carpet, walls, whatever it takes.



The Encore Dump

Ahhh, you've done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are about to leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You must therefore return for a curtain call. The world record is seven encores.....



The Houdini Dump

You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep down the pipe or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush? Oh yes as you can guarantee that if you don't, it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.

2007-09-07 14:31:54 · 38 answers · asked by Anonymous

what happens to the weasel?

2007-09-07 14:18:17 · 10 answers · asked by SabupwnsU 1

Puzzles and riddles can be found at http://www.mindchallenger.com Answers and new puzzles are posted at the beginning of each month. See if you can solve this one. The question starts now:

Find the error. Its impossible!

A
B
C
D
E
F
G
H
I
J
K
L
M
N
O
P
Q
R
S
T
U
V
W
X
Y
Z

Did you know that 80% of UCSD students could not find the error above?

2007-09-07 13:54:08 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

He said, "Ouch. That hurt!"

2007-09-07 12:38:18 · 35 answers · asked by Room_101 3

A man is deserted on a Island and all he has is a calender. After a year he was found by a ship that passed by.
How did he survive?

2007-09-07 12:10:36 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

If a plane crashes with survivors in it are the survivors dead or alive.and tell me how please.

2007-09-07 11:59:53 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A homeless person walks into a bar. He asks the barman for a cocktail stick. The barman, being a nice guy, gives the man a cocktail stick. The guy thanks him and leaves.

A couple of minutes later, another homeless guy comes in and asks for a cocktail stick. The barman, getting rather confused gives him one and watches him leave.

Another homeless guy comes in and asks for the same thing.

A fourth homeless guy comes in and asks for a straw. The barman asks "Don't you want a cocktail stick like all the others?"

The homeless guy says "No thanks. Someone was sick outside and all the lumpy bits have gone!"

2007-09-07 11:41:02 · 21 answers · asked by islandmonkey 3

Guess What ....






















dont look please i have a ghost behind me its scaring me what can i do i have ried paying it i even tried giving it to my dog he said no and spat it out oh yeh i forgot to say my dog can talk what can i do he said to me hello jacob back and fried ds lite for breakfast i said no quite worried so i told my mum and she said MEEOWW i was scared and i spoke to my dad and he said WOOF WOOF and michael jackson sad Hi Child i RAN AND I RAN AND I RAN and a chiild called bob jghfihgxdfhgisdhfghidfigh mcman said Hi child want a wollypop i said yes and he jabbed he in the face and i killed him then zdhvjxsbhsghsdhf mc jewbew.................................................... said hi















































































can some tell me what a jew is i am just wondering Thanx Very Much:D

2007-09-07 11:38:50 · 15 answers · asked by ๑۩۞۩๑Jake๑۩۞۩๑ 3

............called the local undertaker, and asked if he could do a funeral for a tenor..........He told her to fvck off.

2007-09-07 11:30:02 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

There's a young couple in the cinema. The girl says, "I must have a pi ss, can I squeeze past you?"
"Why don't you squat down on the floor and do it" says the boyfriend. "You'll have to disturb all these people, besides its dark, no one will see you."
"OK" she says. She pulls her drawers down and squats on the floor. The bloke starts feeling horny at the thought of her down there, so he reaches down and makes a grab.
He feels something long and hard and says, "Urgh! Have you changed your sex?"
"No" she says "I've changed my mind... I'm having a sh it instead."

2007-09-07 11:24:33 · 18 answers · asked by *mommy to 3 boys* 4

ACCOUNTANTS are good with figures.

ACTORS do it on cue.

ADVERTISERS use the "new, improved" method.

AMBULANCE DRIVERS come quicker.

ANSI does it in the standard way

ARCHEOLOGISTS like it old.

ARCHITECTS have great plans.

ARTISTS are exhibitionists.

ASSEMBLY LINE WORKERS do it over and over.

ASTRONOMERS do it with Uranus.

ATTORNEYS make better motions.

AUDITORS like to examine figures.

BABYSITTERS charge by the hour.

BAILIFFS always come to order.

BAKERS knead it daily.

BAND MEMBERS play all night.

BANKERS do it with interest - penalty for early withdrawal.

BARBERS do it with shear pleasure.

BARTENDERS do it on the rocks.

BASEBALL PLAYERS make it to first base.

BASKETBALL PLAYERS score more often.

BEEKEEPERS like to eat their honey.

BEER BREWERS do it with more hops.

BEER DRINKERS get more head.

BICYCLISTS do it with 10 speeds.

BOOKKEEPERS do it with double entry.

BOSSES delegate the task to others.

BOWLERS have bigger balls.

BRICKLAYERS lay all day.

BRIDGE PLAYERS try to get a rubber.

BUS DRIVERS come early and pull out on time.

BUTCHERS have better meat.

C'Bers do it on the air.

CAMPERS do it in a tent.

CARPENTERS hammer it harder.

CARPET LAYERS do it on the floor.

CHEERLEADERS do it with more enthusiasm.

CHEMISTS like to experiment.

CHESS PLAYERS check their mates.

CHIROPRACTORS do it by manipulation.

CLOCK MAKERS do it mechanically.

CLOWNS do it for laughs.

COACHES whistle while they work.

COBOL PROGRAMMERS do it with bugs.

COCKTAIL WAITRESSES serve highballs.

COMPUTER GAME PLAYERS just can't stop.

COMPUTER OPERATORS get the most out of their software.

CONSTRUCTION WORKERS lay a better foundation.

CONSULTANTS tell other how to do it.

COPS have bigger guns.

COWBOYS handle anything horny.

COWGIRLS like to ride bareback.

CRANE OPERATORS have swinging balls.

CREDIT MANAGERS always collect.

DANCERS do it in leaps and bounds.

DEADHEADS do it with Jerry.

DEER HUNTERS will do anything for a buck.

DENTAL HYGIENISTS do it till it hurts.

DENTISTS do it in your mouth.

DETECTIVES do it under cover.

DIETICIANS eat better.

DIRECT MAILERS get it in the sack.

DIVERS do it deeper.

DOCTORS do it with patience.

DRUGGISTS fill your prescription.

DRUMMERS do it in 4/4 time.

DRY WALLER'S are better bangers.

ELECTRICIANS check your shorts.

ENGINEERS charge by the hour.

EXECUTIVES have large staffs.

FARMERS spread it around.

FIREMEN are always in heat.

FISHERMEN are proud of their rods.

FOOTBALL PLAYERS are measured by the yard.

FOUR-WHEELERS eat more bush.

FURRIERS appreciate good beaver.

GARBAGE MEN come once a week.

GARDENERS have 50 foot hoses.

GAS STATION ATTENDANTS pump all day.

GEOLOGISTS are great explorers.

GOLFERS do it in 18 holes.

GYMNASTS mount and dismount well.

HACKERS do it with fewer instructions.

HAIRDRESSERS give the best blow jobs.

HAM OPERATORS do it with frequency.

HANDYMEN like good screws.

HEWLETT PACKARD does it with precision.

HORSEBACK RIDERS stay in the saddle longer.

HUNTERS do it with a bang.

INSURANCE SALESMEN are premium lovers.

INTERIOR DECORATORS do it all over the house.

INVENTORS find a way.

JANITORS clean up afterwards.

JEWELERS mount real gems.

JOGGERS do it on the run.

LANDSCAPERS plant it deeper.

LAWYERS do it in their briefs.

LIBRARIANS do it quietly.

LOCKSMITHS can get into anything.

LONG DISTANCE RUNNERS last longer.

MACHINISTS make the best screws.

MAGICIANS are quicker than the eye.

MAINTENANCE MEN sweep 'em off their feet.

MANAGERS supervise others.

MARKETING REPs do it on commission.

MILKMEN deliver twice a week.

MILLIONAIRES pay to have it done.

MINERS sink deeper shafts.

MINISTERS do it on Sundays.

MISSILE MEN have better thrust.

MODELS do it in any position.

MODEM MANUFACTURERS do it with all sorts of characters.

MOTORCYCLISTS like something hot between their legs.

MOVIE STARS do it on film.

MUSICIANS do it with rhythm.

NONSMOKERS do it without huffing and puffing.

NURSES call the shots.

OCEANOGRAPHERS do it down under.

OPERATORS do it person-to-person.

OPTOMETRISTS do it face-to-face.

PAINTERS do it with longer strokes.

PARAMEDICS PHOTOGRAPHERS do it with a flash.

PHYSICISTS do it with uniform harmonic motion.

PILOTS keep it up longer.

PLUMBERS do it under the sink.

POLICEMEN like big busts.

POLITICIANS do it for 4 years then have to get re-erected.

POSTMEN come slower.

PRINTERS do it without wrinkling the sheets.

PRINTERS reproduce the fastest.

PROCTOLOGISTS do it in the end.

PROFESSORS do it by the book.

RACERS like to come in first.

RACQUETBALL PLAYERS do it off the wall..

RADIO and TV ANNOUNCERS broadcast it.

REAL ESTATE PEOPLE know all the prime spots.

RECYCLERS use it again.

REPAIRMEN can fix anything.

REPORTERS do it daily.

RESEARCHERS are still looking for it.

RETAILERS move their merchandise.

ROOFERS do it on top.

RUNNERS get into more pants.

SAILORS like to be blown.

SALESPEOPLE have away with their tongues.

SCIENTISTS discovered it.

SECRETARIES do it from 9 to 5.

SKYDIVERS are good till the last drop.

SOCCER PLAYERS have leather balls.

SPEECH PATHOLOGISTS are oral specialists.

SPELUNKERS do it underground.

SPORTSCASTERS like an instant replay.

STEWARDESSES do it in the air.

STUDENTS use their heads.

SURGEONS are smooth operators.

TAILORS make it fit.

TAXI DRIVERS do it all over town.

TAXIDERMISTS mount anything.

TELEPHONE CO. EMPLOYEES let their fingers do the walking.

TELLERS can handle all deposits and withdrawals.

TENNIS PLAYERS have fuzzy balls.

TRUCK DRIVERS have bigger dipsticks.

TRUCKERS carry bigger loads.

TYPISTS do it in triplicate.

VETERINARIANS are ***** lovers.

VOLLEYBALL PLAYERS keep it up.

WAITRESSES serve it piping hot.

WATER SKIERS come down harder.

WELDERS have hotter rods.

WRESTLERS know the best holds.

WRITERS have novel ways.

ZOOLOGISTS do it with animal instinct.

2007-09-07 11:11:36 · 66 answers · asked by Anonymous

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy,
and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.

What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

What's the difference between an oral
thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

2007-09-07 11:03:00 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy walks into a supermarket and buys the following items:
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 roll of toiletpaper
1 frozen dinner
1 can of pop
1 box of cereal
The woman behind the counter says, "so you are single huh?"
The man replies very sarcastically, "why would you guess that, because I am buying 1 of everything?"
The woman replies, "no, because you are ugly."

2007-09-07 10:57:43 · 8 answers · asked by *mommy to 3 boys* 4

can someone give me the titles of the fuuniest videos on youtube youv seen

2007-09-07 10:43:13 · 6 answers · asked by Enrique N 3

i joined a local gym last night,, i went on this machine, i was on it for an hour, i must of been on it to long as i was sick afterwards,, it was good though it had kit-kats, mars bars, snickers, crisps, quavers,,

2007-09-07 10:22:12 · 6 answers · asked by country boy 5

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

2007-09-07 10:15:19 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Men are like department stores.... their clothes should always be half off.

Men are like vacations.... they never seem to be long enough.

Men are like computers... hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Men are like coolers... load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Men are like chocolate bars.... sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like coffee.... the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like horoscopes.... they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like plungers... they spend most of their lives in a hard ware store or the bathroom.

Men are like cement.... after getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

2007-09-07 10:12:37 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are in a breast stroke race.
The starter's gun goes off and the three girls dive into the pool. The brunette and the redhead shoot across the pool and get out; 20 minutes later the blonde reaches the end and gets out. The judge says, "The gold medal goes to the brunette, the silver medal goes to the redhead, and the bronze goes to the blonde".
The blonde says, "I don't want to be a sore loser, but I think the other girls were using their arms."

2007-09-07 10:10:38 · 17 answers · asked by ǝuoʎʞɔɐʍ 7

A woman who is a HUGE boxing fan decides to get two tattoos, one of Mike Tyson on her right thigh and Evander Holyfield on her left thigh. After a few hours the tattoo artist gives her a mirror to see his artwork. "Damn you! that looks nothing like Mike and Evander! I'm not paying you a damn cent, in fact I ought to sue you!" she yells. The tattoo artist said, "Hold on, I think I did a damn good job, what do you say we find an impartial third person to give his opinion before we get excited" She agrees and they go to the bar next door. In the bar is a drunk guy watching the fights on TV. The tattoo artist says "He looks like a boxing fan, he should know" The woman lifts up her dress and says "Check out my tattoos, do you recognize who they are suposed to be?" The drunk looks back and forth a couple of times. "Well, I haven't the slightest idea who those guys on either end are but I swear the dude in the middle has to be DON KING!"

2007-09-07 10:08:37 · 7 answers · asked by Limestoner62 6

This Policeman pulled a car over and told the man driving that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone.

"I was only going 40!" the driver protested.

"Not according to my radar," the officer replied.

"Yes, I was!" the man shouted back.

"No you weren't!" the policeman said, starting to get annoyed. With that, the man's wife leaned toward the window and said,

"Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when he's been drinking."

2007-09-07 10:01:03 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old couple is in a taxi in America.

The taxi driver says "So which part of England are you folks from?"

The old man replies "From Yorkshire"

The old lady says "What did he say?"

The old man says "He asked which part of England we are from and I said Yorkshire"

The taxi driver says "I've been to Yorkshire once. I stayed with an old couple. The woman was horrible, a real *****, it put me off on ever going back to England!"

The old lady says "What did he say?"

The old man says "The driver says he knows you!"

2007-09-07 09:56:19 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little kid walks onto a bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?!''

The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''

2007-09-07 09:35:28 · 13 answers · asked by ǝuoʎʞɔɐʍ 7

Ok...So...

3 MEN GO INTO A MOTEL. THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK SAID
THE ROOM IS $30,

SO EACH MAN PAID $10 AND WENT TO THE ROOM.


A WHILE LATER THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK REALIZED THE
ROOM WAS ONLY $25,

SO HE SENT THE BELLBOY TO THE 3 GUYS' ROOM WITH $5.

ON THE WAY THE BELLBOY COULDN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO
SPLIT $5 EVENLY BETWEEN 3 MEN,

SO HE GAVE EACH MAN A $1 AND KEPT THE OTHER $2 FOR
HIMSELF.



THIS MEANT THAT THE 3 MEN EACH PAID $9 FOR THE ROOM,

WHICH IS A TOTAL OF $27; ADD THE $2 THAT THE BELLBOY
KEPT = $29.

WHERE IS THE OTHER DOLLAR?


Please explain!!

2007-09-07 09:34:09 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man breaks into a house and as he does he hears a voice say" I can see you, Jesus can see you." Startled he turns round to see a parrot in a cage. Sure enough the parrot says " I can see you, Jesus can see you ". The buglar laughs and says " what's your name?" The parrot says " Bumpy Bird" The burglar says " What kind of moron calls a parrot Bumpy Bird!"
The parrot says,
"the same kind of moron that calls their pitbull Jesus."

2007-09-07 09:29:07 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Middle aged woman looks in the mirror. "God I look old, fat and ugly."
he says to her husband "Pay me a compliment, dear."

Hubby says, "Your eyesight is perfect!"

2007-09-07 09:17:20 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

paddy is late for bait with his mates down the mine. so after the usual enquiries the forman decides to go find him. deep down one of the shafts he find paddy hard at work cutting two channels in the roof of the shaft. "what r you doin paddy" said the forman, "Im cutting these channels into the roof for my donkey " paddy said. "why " asked the forman. "Because his ears are rubbing on the roof and they are red raw" said paddy. the forman looked at the long tunnel and the channels paddy had carved into the rock and said"why dont you dig the soft earth paddy" to which paddy replied " Dont be stupid , its his ears that are sore not his feet"

2007-09-07 09:00:58 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

10 most important men in a women's life


1) The Doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes."
2) The Dentist because he says, "Open Wide."
3) The Hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown."
4) The Milkman because he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"
5) The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it."
6) The Banker because he says, "If you take it out to soon, you'll lose interest."
7) The Police Officer because he says, "Spread 'em."
8) The Mailman because he always delivers his package.
9) The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.
10) The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.

2007-09-07 08:18:42 · 30 answers · asked by pheonix140180 3

While sitting at your desk make clockwise circles with your right foot.

While doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.

Your foot will change direction.

how spooky is that??

2007-09-07 07:00:29 · 61 answers · asked by Anonymous