Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating. She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?" One of the Japanese men says, "Can't you see? We are all berry hungry." The waitress says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??" One of the other businessmen replies: "The menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!"

2007-09-08 19:08:43 · 4 answers · asked by yatzky 2

Pinocchio and his girlfriend are in bed, doing what wooden puppets do, when she suddenly sighs. He asks her why, and she replies, "You’re probably the best lover I’ve ever had, but every time we make love you give me splinters."

This remark bothers Pinocchio a great deal, so the next day he seeks advice from Gepetto, who suggests a bit of sandpaper might "smooth out" Pinnochio’s relationship with his girlfriend. Pinocchio graciously thanks his creator and goes on his way.

A couple of weeks later, Gepetto runs into Pinocchio at the hardware store, where his little wooden friend is buying every package of sandpaper the store has in stock.

"So, Pinocchio," Gepetto remarks, "things must be going pretty damn good with the girls, eh?"

"Girls?" says Pinocchio, "Who needs girls?"

2007-09-08 18:57:07 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. Don't imagine you can change a man unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon -- they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander -- it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

13. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

14. Sadly, all men are created equal.

2007-09-08 18:53:06 · 17 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

I think they sound alike. Same feel, and even some of the melodies are close-sounding.

Listen to them both and let me know what you think.

2007-09-08 18:27:13 · 5 answers · asked by tombombadil042 3

Subject: The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they

end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her

around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is

completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and

hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering

the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to

lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of

thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears

all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of

the middle shelf,

and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She

found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a

collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually

is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after

a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could

be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?" She turns

to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he

romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom

where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.


She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion,

more creativity, more heat than she has ever known, and even did a few

things she had never done with any other man.



After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this

sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman

rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was

it?"

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her

eyes, and says......................










"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!"

2007-09-08 18:19:19 · 24 answers · asked by CARL B 4

Osama bin Laden went to heaven and was greeted by George Washington, who slapped him and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive?"
Patrick Henry then approached and punched Osama in the nose. James Madison entered and kicked him in the shin. An angry Thomas Jefferson whacked Osama over the head with a cane.
The thrashing continued as John Randolph, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.
Suddenly, as Osama lay writhing in unbearable pain, an angel appeared.
"This is not what you promised me," said Osama.
"Come on, Osama," the angel replied. "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven."

2007-09-08 17:29:57 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

American Airlines, leave Boston 8:15 AM and arrive be in your office in New York 8:48 AM

2007-09-08 17:20:59 · 1 answers · asked by supercrosbyacademics 1

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.





On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things







On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of wine





When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.







She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell.





They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned . Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the carpeting.



Nothing worked!!! People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house









Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.




The ex-wife called the man and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back .

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day .







She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.





A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home......... And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the the curtain rods!!!!!!

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

2007-09-08 16:54:11 · 21 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really
pissed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE."

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up,
she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom
scale.

Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.

2007-09-08 16:36:26 · 7 answers · asked by CARL B 4

A man went to the store and asked the female cashier behind the counter, "Do you have any chocolate ice cream?" The cashier replies, "No we are out of chocolate ice cream." So the man asks, "Can I get a gallon of chocolate ice cream?" The cashier says, "No! we are out of chocolate ice cream." The man asks, 'Can I get a half gallon of chocalate ice cream." The cashier, getting frustrated, says "No! we are out of it." The man asks, "Can I get a pint of chocolate ice cream?" So the cashier says, "Sir, can you spell the van in vanilla?" He says, "Yes! V-a-n." The cashier says, "Can you spell the straw in strawberry?" He says, "Yes, S-t-r-a-w." The cashier says, "Can you spell the f*** in chocolate?" The man thinks and says, "Hey! there is no f*** in chocolate!" The cashier says, "Right! That's what I been trying to tell you! There is no f***in chocolate!"

2007-09-08 16:18:04 · 12 answers · asked by Patty M 5

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is
backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric,wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.
"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face,"but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday.."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

2007-09-08 16:12:21 · 5 answers · asked by Patty M 5

'a dog is a man best friends'. Ha!Ha!Ha!
it seems a bit outdated, a bit 20th century.
who ever came up with that!? the saying doesnt live on, does it.

and

'diamonds are a girls best friend.'

now, its all up to you...

2007-09-08 15:55:14 · 11 answers · asked by ? 1

(Last joke for tonight)...

Little Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well, son, let me try to explain it this way: "I'm the breadwinner of the family so let's call me Capitalism. Your mum, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.

So Little Johnny goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby had soiled his nappy, so the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed....

2007-09-08 14:39:29 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

2007-09-08 14:09:03 · 37 answers · asked by HEARTLESS 3

1,2,3,...,38
39,40 LIFE

It is some kind of saying or phrase and it's driving me nuts that I cannot figure this one out!! I've tried every obvious answer (or so I thought) Thanks in advance!!

2007-09-08 13:50:31 · 7 answers · asked by Amber R 1

A father and son get in a car accident. The father dies instantly and the boy gets rushed to the hospital. The doctor says "I cant operate on him, he's my son". Who is the doctor?

2007-09-08 13:28:31 · 10 answers · asked by Ryan G 2

Young couple left the church & arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne & began undressing.
When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "Ewww - what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled & weird. Whey are your feet so gross?"
"I had tolio as a child," he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked.
"No tolio. The disease only affected my toes."
The bride was satisfied with this explanation & they continued undressing.When the groom took off his trousers his bride once again wrinkled up her nose.
"What's wrong with your knees?" she asked. "They're all lumpy & deformed!"
"As a child I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked.
"No keasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undresing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
"Don't tell me," she said, "Let me guess...Smallcox?"

2007-09-08 13:16:02 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman sitting in an restaurant suddenly began to cough. After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Kenzie and Bruce sitting at the next table turned to look at her.



'Kin ya swaller?' asked Kenzie.



The woman signalled 'No!' desperately shaking her head.



'Kin ya breathe?' asked Brian.



The woman shook her head 'No!!!'



With that, Kenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down her bum.



This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

Kenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.


Brian said in admiration, 'Ya know Kenzie, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it’

2007-09-08 13:05:46 · 4 answers · asked by Nola 3

On the eighth day God was looking down over his creation when he spotted Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.

He says to them: "I've got a couple of leftovers which I might as well hand out to you. I can't decide who should have what, so the person who shouts loudest gets the first choice. The first item is a thing that allows you to pee standing up."

Adam immediately jumps up and down shouting: "Me, me, I want that." So God gives it to him.

"Damn," thinks Eve. "That sounds really good. I should have shouted louder."

"Oh well," says God. "I'm afraid all I have left is this multiple org*sm."

2007-09-08 13:03:20 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

answer these questions with the first answer that pops into your head, and be quick. don't stop to think about them, that will kinda wreck the fun
and remember, getting them all right won't necasarly get you best answer


1. how do you get an elephant into a fridge?

2. how do you get a giraffe into a fridge?

3.the king of the jungle calls a meeting and ever animal attends except for one. which one?

4. you want to cross a lake in which a lot of crocodiles live. there is no boat, no bridge so how do you do it with out being killed?

5.you come across a two-piece fence that is blocking your way to a race track. one side is barb wire, the other is an electricuted, which side to you climb over?

6. you're at the race track watching the cars go by. the person in third passes the second place person. what place is he in now?

2007-09-08 12:39:51 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

10 points to the first right answer!

2007-09-08 12:33:50 · 15 answers · asked by Eric and Alex K. 1

1) It is a hot September afternoon. The location is the living room in a large beautiful old mansion. The French doors are open and the curtains are blowing in the breeze after a thunderstorm that just passed. On the floor lie the bodies of Bob and Marcy. They are surrounded by puddles of water and broken glass and neither has any clothing on. How did they die?
2)John and his men searched the frozen tundra for escaped convict Beth Barker. Just as they were about to give up, one of Johns men spotted a body. Barker was found laying dead in the snow. There were no tracks leading to or from the body. The cause of death was partially due to the unopened pack on her back. Barker did not die of thirst, hunger, or cold. What was in Barkers pack that lead to her death?

2007-09-08 12:17:52 · 5 answers · asked by Archless Angel 2

8) Which one of the following is the correct example of the plural possessive case?
A. stone’s throw
B. men’s plans
C. it’s place
D. woman’s plans

2007-09-08 12:00:49 · 7 answers · asked by madison f 1

A city slicker shoots a duck out in the country. As he's retrieving it, a farmer walks up and stops him, claiming that since the duck is on his farm, it technically belongs to him. After minutes of arguing, the farmer proposes they settle the matter "country style."

"What's country style?" asks the city boy.

"Out here in the country," the farmer says, "when two fellers have a dispute, one feller kicks the other one in the balls as hard as he can. Then that feller, why, he kicks the first one as hard as he can. And so forth. Last man standin' wins the dispute."

Warily the city boy agrees and prepares himself. The farmer hauls off and kicks him in the groin with all his might. The city boy falls to the ground in the most intense pain he's ever felt, crying like a baby and coughing up blood. Finally he staggers to his feet and says, "All right, n-now it's–it's m-my turn."

The farmer grins. "Aw, hell, you win. Keep the duck."

2007-09-08 11:06:47 · 7 answers · asked by cmwest12 2

Ghost Poopie-the kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopi e in the toilet.

Clean Poopie-the kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie-the kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwipe d, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with a stain.

Second Wave Poopie-this happens when you're done poopieing and you've pulled yo ur pants up to your knees and you realize that you have to poopie some more.

Pop A Vein In Your Forehead Poopie-the kind where you strain so much to get it out you practically have a stroke.

Lincoln Log Poopie-the kind of poopie that is so huge that you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

Gassey Poopie-it's so noisy that everyone within earshot is giggling.

Drinker Poopie-the kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.

Corn Poopie-self explanatory.

Gee I Wish I Could Poopie Poopie-the kind where you want to poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.

Spinal Tap Poopie-that's where it hurts so badly coming out you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.

Wet Cheeks Poopie (The Power Dump)-the kind that comes out of your butt so fast , your cheeks get splashed with water.

Liquid Poopie-the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splashed all over the toilet bowl.

Mexican Food Poopie-it smells so bad your nose hurts.

Upper Class Poopie-the kind of poopie that does not smell.

Surprise Poopie-you're not even at the toilet because you are sure you're about to fart, but OOPS...A Poopie.

Dangling Poopie-the poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done poopie-ing. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.

2007-09-08 10:57:02 · 6 answers · asked by ♥Ms. Sweeney Todd♥ 2

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China. That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

2007-09-08 10:28:23 · 13 answers · asked by pd6491 2

The board of directors for a large company, believing it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers, so on a tour of the facilities during his first day, the CEO notices a guy leaning casually against the wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them all know he means business, and wasting time on the clock is not acceptable. The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO reaches into his wallet, hands the guy $1,200 in cash, and screams, "Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here aside from standing around?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "That guy delivered our pizza."

2007-09-08 10:27:49 · 15 answers · asked by cmwest12 2

I asked " Do you deliver?"

They said " No, we do Pork , chicken or beef"

2007-09-08 09:56:56 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

I called a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like to hook up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.

Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge Yeah," I said,
"Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's
a few inches wider these days!" She laughed and told me to stop being so silly!
She teased me, saying she thought tubby bald men were cute!
"Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!

"SO I HUNG UP ON THE FAT B*TCH"

2007-09-08 09:37:49 · 20 answers · asked by 株式会THE CITADEL 株式会 4

The difference between men and women is...

2007-09-08 09:34:38 · 24 answers · asked by thereturnoflickguineapig 2