Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her p*nties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her p*nties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her b*tt that said,

2007-09-02 05:33:55 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-09-02 05:19:35 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!

I don't think you are a fool. But then what's MY opinion against thousands of others?

I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.

I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?

I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!

I heard you went to have your head examined but the doctors found nothing there.

I know you are nobody's fool but maybe someone will adopt you.

I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.

I would ask you how old you are but I know you can't count that high.

I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

I'd like to leave you with one thought...but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it!

I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.

I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.

I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission!

If I ever need a brain transplant, I'd choose yours because I'd want a brain that had never been used.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.

If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!

If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's invulnerable.

If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

If your brain was chocolate it wouldn't fill an M&M.

Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent.

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!

Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.

So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.

Some day you will find yourself - and wish you hadn't.

There is no vaccine against stupidity.

2007-09-02 05:10:28 · 15 answers · asked by tastybits 7

nyeh2

2007-09-02 04:55:36 · 15 answers · asked by Solo Preguntar 3

hesthebigcheese-9

2007-09-02 04:17:48 · 5 answers · asked by Tres 2

Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl.

She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.

The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast".

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

2007-09-02 03:52:33 · 18 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

decided to speep 2 to a room. Noone wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first deputy slept with Daryl & comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess & his eyes bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said," Daryl snored so loudly I just sat up & watched him all nite."
The next nite it was a diff. deputy's turn.
In the morning, same thing-hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all nite."
The 3rd nite was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player, a man's man.
The next morning he came to breakfast, bright eyed & bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said.
They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?" He said,"Well, I went & tucked Daryl into bed & kissed him good nite. He sat up & watched me all nite long!"

2007-09-02 03:44:43 · 2 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

A traveling saleswoman is driving toward home in Arizona when she sees an Indian woman hitchhiking. She stops the car and the Indian woman gets in. After a bit of small talk, the Indian woman notices a brown bag on the front seat. "What's in the bag?", she asks. "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband Smila".

The Indian woman is silent for a while, then nods and says,
"you made a good trade".

2007-09-02 03:20:48 · 24 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

Share your jokes!

2007-09-02 03:20:10 · 10 answers · asked by ordreo 2

Be honest now...

Did you know that Vimto was an anagram of Vomit!?

I know I'm not drinking that stuff ever again after finding that out!

(Star if you didn't know!)

2007-09-02 02:53:50 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop.

The redhead sees her boyfriend buying flowers. Red sighs and says, “Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.”

The blonde looks quizzically at her and asks, “You don’t like getting flowers from your boyfriend?”

Replies the redhead, “I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers. I just don’t feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air.”

The blonde, after thinking for a while, replies, “Don’t you have a vase?”

2007-09-02 02:26:17 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

best one gets best answer, please star it

2007-09-01 23:55:18 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

I don't usually pass on unhappy news like this, and I know you are busy, but sometimes we have to pause and remember the things that have deeply affected our lives. The entertainment world experienced a great loss today. The composer of the song "Hokey Pokey" died. What really made his passing so distressing is that they had trouble keeping the body in the casket.

They'd put his left leg in, he'd put his left leg out... and...well, you know the rest...

2007-09-01 22:43:32 · 18 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

2007-09-01 21:22:12 · 13 answers · asked by Becca 1

Can u pronounce good english:- read along woof, roof, loof, shoof, shoof, woof, loof, roof, poof, woof woof, hoof, woof, roof, shoof,goof joof, loof, hoof, boof, boof, woof, roof,woof, loof, roof, poof, woof, shoof,goof joof, loof, hoof.
Test results: U r a good dog. Now stop barking.
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Dark were those days, without your sight. When I was in darkness, you gave me light. You gave me strength 2 make life bright. Thank you so much PHILIPS TUBELIGHT .

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This msg. will refresh your brain in 5 seconds. 5.... 4.... 3.... 2....1.... Error : No Brain Detected !!

+ve pictures come out from a -ve developed in a dark room. so if something -ve happening to u its the sign that +ve things are waiting for u...
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Kya aankheiN hain aapki, kya baatein hain aapki..
us khuda ne kuch aisa aapko bnaya hai...
maano...'shhh....Koi hai' se BHOOT nikal ke aya hai....!!!!!!

2007-09-01 21:14:35 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a machete to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to scr*w your brains out!"

To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a magnum gun and pointed it at him and said, "No you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!"

2007-09-01 19:08:49 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

to find her daughter entering the house at 2AM with her clothes ruffled and her hair unkempt.
Mother: Haven't I told you that when a guy kisses you you should immediately say DON'T?
Daughter: Yes, Mom.
Mother: And haven't I told you that if he touches you , you should immediately say STOP?
Daughter: Yes, Mom.
Mother: Then what happened?
Daughter: He kissed and touched me at the sama time, so i said DON'T STOP!

2007-09-01 19:08:19 · 7 answers · asked by yatzky 2

guy with his own car & a duck tail hairdo.
When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers & invites him in.
"Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" she says.
Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do.
Harold replies that they will just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's mother replies,"Why don't you kids go out & screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."
This comes as quite a surprise to Harold & he says, "Wha...aat?"
"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother."We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night long if we let her.
Harold's eyes light up & he smiles from ear to ear.
A few minutes later Peggy Sue comes downstairs & announces she's ready. Harold escorts his date to the car.
About 20 minutes later, Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door & screams at her mother.
"Dammit it, mom! The Twist! The Twist! It's called The Twist!!!!

2007-09-01 17:34:18 · 11 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

pool

lmao

2007-09-01 17:32:51 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Because if you take one, he will drink all your beer. If you take two, neither one of them will drink.

2007-09-01 17:31:34 · 9 answers · asked by joe 3

This is an old joke, I reversed the genders.

A little girl comes home from school. She tells her mother something that happened in school. "Well Me and Julie were throwing stones at some boys when the teacher Mr. McGee came along and told us to stop or he would send us to the principal's office. Julie called Mr. McGee a *****, and he sent her to the principal's office, I figure it must be a bad word cause Julie had to go and not me. What is a *****? The mother got out a Playgirl magazine and a magic marker and drew a circle around the man's genitals. "Is that a *****" she asked, her mother said NO, that's a penis, the part outside the circle is a *****"

2007-09-01 14:27:45 · 4 answers · asked by Limestoner62 6

A boy wanted his mother to buy him a car because he just got his driver's license.
The mom said "Alright but only if you cut your hair."
"But mom, Jesus had long hair!"
The mom answered with "Jesus also had to walk."

2007-09-01 14:25:46 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

3 men are standing in line at St. Peter's gates waiting to get into heaven. St. Peter makes an announcement: "Sorry everybody, heaven is pretty full right now, so we're only letting people in who suffered horrible deaths today."
The first man comes up to St. Peter and tells him his story: "So I thought my wife was cheating on me, I came home to our apartment early from work hoping to catch her with the guy. When I came in I looked everywhere, but I couldn't find him. Finally I went out on the balcony and there he was! He was hanging from the edge of our balcony so I started stamping on his fingers, but that didn't work. So I got a hammer and hit his fingers with it and finally he fell! In a fit of rage I went and threw the refrigerator over the side hoping it would land on him also. ...then I had a heart attack and wound up here." St. Peter said, "that's a pretty traumatizing death. Come on in."
The second man walks up to St. Peter and tells him his story: "So I was exercising on my balcony, when I slipped and fell over the side. I managed to grab hold of one of the balconies as I fell, but there was no one around and I thought I was done for. Suddenly a guy appeared and I thought I was saved, but he started stamping on my fingers and hit them with a hammer. I couldn't hold on and I fell to the ground, luckily I landed in a bush and I was ok. Then out of nowhere a fridge landed on me and I ended up here." St. Peter said, "how horrible, come right on in."
The third man went up to St. Peter and tells him his story: "So I'm naked hiding in this fridge..."

2007-09-01 14:15:44 · 9 answers · asked by Thomas 2

2007-09-01 13:36:39 · 19 answers · asked by kisser 4

One says,"I've never come this way before".
The other nun says," I know,it must be the cobbles".

2007-09-01 13:23:56 · 17 answers · asked by Crackerjack 3

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead.

"I'm afraid he died last week." she explains.

The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss.

"I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week."

The next day he calls again and once more asks to Speak to his boss.

By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts,

"I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND,

YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"

He replied laughing,

"I just love hearing it…"

2007-09-01 13:13:49 · 11 answers · asked by NaDaKa 2

A couple drove down a country road for several miles,
not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an
argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "In-laws."

2007-09-01 13:12:47 · 7 answers · asked by NaDaKa 2

Lawyers should never ask grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand. He approached her and asked; "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

2007-09-01 12:42:55 · 16 answers · asked by Red Panda 6

Two Deaf Newlyweds? Have posted before but you might not have seen it.?
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.
"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis...
..fifty times"

2007-09-01 12:34:36 · 6 answers · asked by Esperanza 3

2007-09-01 11:58:28 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous