Jokes & Riddles - March 2007

1)34 muscles to frown, 4 muscles to stick up your middle finger and tell em bite me
2)brunettes and shop and talk at the same time
3)what do sheep count when they cant sleep?
4)if guns kill people can i blame misspelled words on my pencil?
5)when french people swear do they say pardon my english?
6)welcome to the dark side... we hav cookies
7)s..cre..w x-box i play old school nintendo
8)dont hit kids, no seriously they have guns now
9)friends will be like you deserved better anyways...best friends will be calling him up at 2 am making chicken noises
10)if tylenol, duct tape, or a band aid cant fix it you've got a serious problem
11)valentines day: like we really need another day of the year where we feel like cr@p, thank you effin' halmark
12) people are stupid so just turn up the music

2007-03-31 23:28:00 · 5 answers · asked by Katie L 2

A really funny one=D

2007-03-31 22:20:18 · 11 answers · asked by sinbad_boo 1

good pranks for april fools :]

2007-03-31 20:23:43 · 5 answers · asked by dinosaur_go_RAWR(: 2

I am not sure if it would qualify for its serious tone but I did mislead a few people in Yahoo Answers

http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AkroKDB1cMuyk9SiLk0xn5YgBgx.?qid=20070331212405AAwSNts

2007-03-31 19:53:48 · 13 answers · asked by dictator_cool 2

2007-03-31 19:39:59 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Im brazilian.
im named after a queen .
I helped discover america.

2007-03-31 19:26:06 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sourav Ganguly has been declared as the captain of the ''Indian cricket team'' ! Go & watch NDTV.......FAST
































Anyways , ''Happy April Fools Day '' !!

2007-03-31 19:24:09 · 22 answers · asked by tokyo 5

Simple 1 now.The 10 points will go to the person who makes me laugh the most.

Can be with a joke or a funny story(true or otherwise)or whatever you like.

2007-03-31 19:09:35 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

nothin to serious just for the people at home

2007-03-31 18:33:03 · 6 answers · asked by Mr. Sir 2

A man was stranded on a desert island and he spent many months there. There were a number of sheep and a dog on the island with him. After a long lonely while, these sheep started to look good to him. So he tried to have his way with them. But the dog was a sheppard dog and his instinct was to protect the sheep so whenever the man got close to one of the sheep, the dog would bark and run after him and chase him away.
One night, there was a big storm and a ship sank and in the morning, this gorgeous supermodel laded on the island. She was weak and dehydrated, but the man brought her water, brougt her back to his home and nursed her back to health.
So the supermodel said "Wow! You saved my life! I could never repay you. I will do anything you ask of me."
So the man says: OK. I need you to keep this dog busy for about 15 minutes.

2007-03-31 16:48:08 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. You accidentally enter your password into the microwave.....
2. You haven't played solitare with real cards in years......
3. Every comercial on tv, now has a website to go to......
4. you have a list of 15 # to reach your family of four.....
5. You email the person who works at the next desk from you.....
6. Your reason for not staying in touch with people is that they dont have an email account.....
7. You pull into your driveway, and use your cell phone, to see if anyone is home, to help you in, with the groceries.....
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you did fine without, for 10-20-30 whatever years...Is now cause for great alarm.....
9. You have started to tilt your head to the side to smile :) ....
10. You get up in the morning, and the first thing you do, is get online, even before putting on coffee or tea.....
11.You are laughing and nodding, right now!

2007-03-31 16:34:13 · 24 answers · asked by Rowan 7

A couple return from their honeymoon and it is obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what's wrong.

"Well," replied the man "when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom, I put a £50 note on the pillow without thinking."

"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!"

The groom nodded sadly and said, "I don't know if I can get over this though: She gave me £20 change"

2007-03-31 16:17:25 · 38 answers · asked by maverick_youth 4

I chucked my husband out and lost 14 stone instantly!

2007-03-31 15:44:07 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

It was'nt a terrorist attack,a bunkbed collapsed!
The police are blaming it on al-ikea!

No offence to anyone.Just British humour.

2007-03-31 15:40:42 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

are talking about bodily functions. First guy says, I wish I could pee real good. Second guy says, I wish I could poop real good. Third guy says; every morning at 6 o;clock sharp, I pee, then at 7 O;clock I have a good BM, I just wish I could get out of bed by 8.

2007-03-31 14:52:23 · 1 answers · asked by johN p. aka-Hey you. 7

how has a previous April fool's joke effected you and why.,?
-- explain ?

2007-03-31 13:41:45 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-03-31 13:37:56 · 2 answers · asked by Giggly Giraffe 7

2007-03-31 12:46:08 · 12 answers · asked by amber 1

do you think the woman was map reading

2007-03-31 12:44:24 · 9 answers · asked by dunrockin404 5

2007-03-31 12:16:46 · 22 answers · asked by metalhead 2

A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible The instructions were:

The short story has to contain the following three things:

(1) Religion

(2) Sexuality

(3) Mystery

Below is the only A+ short story in the entire class.



______________________________________________________________________________________________



"Good God, I'm pregnant; I wonder who did it."

2007-03-31 11:36:05 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

in football, you get fouls....

in cricket, you get ducks...

in golf, you get birdies,eagles...and albatrosses......

what do you get in bowls????





goldfish!!!!!!



ha ha....my auld da yold me that one....

2007-03-31 11:23:23 · 11 answers · asked by amri 5

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"

She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up."

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says gain "Man! My hands are really freezing!"

She says again, "Well put them here between my legs and warm them up."

He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night.

When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!"

She looks at him and says, "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, DON'T YOUR EARS EVER GET COLD?"

2007-03-31 11:00:39 · 60 answers · asked by Tink 5

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill. Sondra gets none.

DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week.

2007-03-31 10:56:46 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

How is this possible????

2007-03-31 10:40:48 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

my best guy friend is VERY shy around people, but with me he's always pranking me and joking with

he lives 2 blocks away from the beach and i heard to help his shyness he's gonna strip ALL THE WAY BARE and take a swim in the ocean

should i show up and steal ALL his clothes??

or should i leave him his undies at least??

2007-03-31 10:17:57 · 14 answers · asked by Christy T 1

So I walked doown with my ball, took my ball and was gonna through but before I got half way it flew out of my hand lol and {uh oh} their it goesdown the other person's lane {hehe. {Yelling} May I have my ball back plz lol. So I figure I will go go down the lane after the ball lol. {bad mistake. Oh no another ball is coming after me. Run for your life Stevo. I will just get in the gutter and I will be ok. No their are 3 ball's now. Save me. I want a way out. {oh durr} Why didn't I just think of that, I could have gone into the next lane lol. Well that saved my skin this time hehe. Yay. I will remember not to walk down the lane again while people are bowling.

2007-03-31 09:38:25 · 1 answers · asked by calltoperservence 2

Daughter charges 30 quid for a b..w job. Mother charges 35 quid for a b..w job. Grandmother is just grateful for the warm drink.

2007-03-31 09:34:18 · 21 answers · asked by ? 5

happened to be manning. "This mower work, son?" the preacher asked.

Little Johnny said, "Sure does -- just pull on the cord hard, though."

The preacher took the mower home and when he got ready to mow he yanked and pulled and tugged on that cord. Nothing worked. It wouldn't start. Thinking he'd been swindled, he took the mower back to Little Johnny's house. "You said this would work if I pulled on the cord hard enough."

"Well," Johnny said, "you need to curse at it sometimes."

The preacher was aghast. "I've not done that in years!"

"Just keep yanking on that cord, Preacher. It'll come back to you."

2007-03-31 09:12:27 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and wife in bed , the man farts and shouts,"one nil"...wife squeezes one out and shouts back,"one all". When it gets to 2 all, the man follows through and shits the bed.Wife says"what the hell was that?.Man replies"half time,swap sides"

2007-03-31 08:25:48 · 15 answers · asked by titus 3