Jokes & Riddles - March 2007

What do Germans use for birth control?

Their personalities!

2007-03-29 13:43:40 · 10 answers · asked by ILovePeople 2

A Mechanic.

2007-03-29 13:38:21 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Question: What do you get when you put 7 Blondes together ear to ear?

Answer: A windpipe! hehehe!

2007-03-29 13:28:59 · 8 answers · asked by ILovePeople 2

He went to Tampa with the children.

2007-03-29 13:21:28 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

what is the most classic drink in the world the martini or the whisky or the conighac

2007-03-29 13:18:24 · 6 answers · asked by tawfeeq a 1

Hanson.

2007-03-29 13:08:56 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

I wanna see if anyone else knows what this word is cause hardly anyone i know knows it.
>:]]

2007-03-29 12:28:06 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

A.I SHOT
B.I STABBED
C.I HAD SEX WITH
D.I KISSED
E.I HUGGED
F.I LICKED
G.I SNIFFED
H.I TOUCHED
I.I LOOKED
J.I FEARED
K.I STOLE
L.I PUNCHED
M.I KICKED
N.I ATE
O.I CUSSED OUT
P.I SPIT ON
Q.I SAT ON
R.I RUBBED
S.I HATE
T.I CHASED
U.I JUMPED
V.I LAUGHED AT
W.I CHEATED ON
X.I GRABBED
Y.I SMACKED
Z.I SNITCHED ON

RED. A OLD GUY
WHITE. A KID
YELLOW.A BUM
PINK. A DOG
ORANGE. A MONKEY
BLUE. A BABY
GREEN.A LITTLE BOY
PURPLE.A LITTLE GIRL
OTHER. A CAT

JANUARY. BECAUSE IT WAS MY NEW YEARS RESOLUTION
FEBRUARY.BECUZ I GOT IT LIKE THAT
MARCH.BECUZ I FELT LIKE IT
APRIL. JUST BECUZ
MAY. BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WAS COOL
JUNE.BECAUSE I ALWAYS WANTED TO DO IT
JULY. BECAUSE MY MOM SAID I CAN
AUGUST. BECUZ IM GROWN
SEPTEMBER.BECUZ IT WAS FUNNY
NOVEMBER.BECUZ MY FRIEND DARED ME
DECEMBER.BECUZ I CAN

2007-03-29 12:21:46 · 35 answers · asked by liyah6 1

2007-03-29 12:19:11 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

There's Tipex on the screen.

2007-03-29 12:18:54 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Does anyone know any good april fools jokes??? thanks

2007-03-29 11:59:29 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son.

The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?"

The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."

2007-03-29 11:55:49 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

whats your opinion?

2007-03-29 11:49:21 · 18 answers · asked by misterious person 2

A mom takes his boy to the girl's bathroom because he is too small to go alone. Then one time, his dad took him to the bathroom and he was about to go in the boy's bathroom but then the boy said ''no daddy mommy always takes me to this one'' pointing to the girl's bathroom. { This is not true} I s it funny?

2007-03-29 11:35:19 · 35 answers · asked by Anonymous

What builds up castles, tears down mountains, makes some blind and helps others see?

2007-03-29 11:27:07 · 28 answers · asked by Daniel B 2

A severely obese man, upon the advise of his doctor, goes into a quick weight loss center.

"First time?" asks the receptionist. "We’ll start you out on the 10 pound program."

She takes him into a room and departs, locking the door behind her. In the middle of the room is a nude woman with a sign on her:

"IF YOU CATCH ME YOU CAN FXCK ME"

He chases the attractive woman around the room for an hour or so until catching her and doesn’t come out for another hour or so. When he finally gets home and weighs himself, he’s lost twelve pounds.

Needless to say, he loves this place. He returns the next day with his fifty pounds handy. "I’ll try the 20 pound program today." She takes him to another room and locks him in just as before. In the middle of the room is a 400 pound gorilla with a sign on him:

"IF I CATCH YOU I GET TO FXCK YOU."

2007-03-29 11:18:12 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband
said, "I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at
the same time."

The wife thought for a few moments, then said, "Your p*nis is bigger
than your brother's."

2007-03-29 11:12:18 · 28 answers · asked by trickyrick32 4

SMARTASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006 A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-*** guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand

2007-03-29 10:58:48 · 21 answers · asked by butter 1

3 women in a sauna


THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED.

THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.
A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE.
SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........


WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT... I'M GETTING A FAX

2007-03-29 10:55:59 · 10 answers · asked by L!LO 4

Tony and Clare are camping in the woods. They set up their tent and are soon asleep.

Some hours later, Clare wakes and shakes Tony. "Tony, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Tony replies, "I see millions of stars"

What does that tell you?" asks Clare puzzled.

Tony ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells us there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells us that Saturn is in Leo. Chronologically, it appears to be approximately quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful, and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Sweetie?"

Clare is silent for a moment, then says, "Tony, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"

2007-03-29 10:52:47 · 51 answers · asked by Anonymous

any good comebacks you have when ur talking to people.
they say ur mom or ur face.
its getting really stupid and not funny at all.

2007-03-29 10:50:51 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous 3

Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife

Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!

2007-03-29 10:48:59 · 13 answers · asked by butter 1

What should you do if you see your ex-husband
rolling around in pain on the ground?
Shoot him again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in
between his neck and the noose.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What do you call the useless piece of skin on
the end of a man′s Middle Leg?
-His body.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why do little boys whine?
-Because they′re practicing to be men.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
-One - he just holds it up there and waits for the
world to revolve around him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
-Three - one to screw in the bulb and two to listen
to him brag about the screwing part.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What do you call a handcuffed man?
-Trustworthy.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping
for breath and calling your name?
-You didn′t hold the pillow down long enough.

2007-03-29 10:48:20 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

On their wedding night, Young Dianne says to new hubby, If you don′t remove your socks, I am not getting in bed at all.
Hubby is determined not to remove the socks. Dianne argues he is perhaps kinky!
Hubby eventually gives in, all right he says, I have hid this from you all through our courting days though. Look! Removing the socks, one foot is only half there!
I lost it during an accident at work he explains it embarrasses me!
Dianne runs down stairs. Ever so upset she telephones her Mom. Sobbing on the phone, she cries to her Mom, he only has a foot and a half!
Mother replies hHang on young lady, you pack your bags get back home, tell him I am on my way over!

2007-03-29 10:38:36 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

A petty thief, a teacher and a lawyer die and go to heaven.

When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who then says, "Sorry, heaven's crowding up, so you need to answer a question correctly, or else you can't get in."

He looks at the teacher, and asks her: "What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?" "Oh, that's easy," the teacher replied, "the Titanic." So St. Peter let her into heaven.

Next he turned to the petty thief. "How many people died on that ship?" St. Peter asked. "Oooh, that's tough, but I saw the movie, and it was 1, 500." St. Peter stepped away and the thief walked into heaven.

Finally, St. Peter turned to the lawyer. He simply said to him: "Name them."

2007-03-29 10:22:22 · 6 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

why is marriage like a bath?
because it's not so hot once u get used to it.

a man says to his neighbour:
"does yourdog want to buy my house?"
the neighbour replied: "no, why do you ask?"
the man says: "because he's just left a deposit on my path"

James Bond sits next to a woman in a bar, he glances at her, then casually looks at his watch. the woman asks: 'is your date running late?'
'no' she replies 'Q has just given me this state of the art watch. i was testing it'
the woman is intrigued and says: 'a state of the art watch? what's so special about it?'
bond explains: 'it uses special alpha waves to talk to me telepathically'
'what's it telling you now?'
'well' bond smiles 'its telling me ur not wearing any knickers'
the woman giggles and replies: 'hah it must be broken then, because i am wearing knickers'.
bond smirks, taps his watch and says: 'bloody thing-its an hour fast'

what do u call a million nuns in a shop?
virgin megastore

2007-03-29 10:12:04 · 8 answers · asked by white_funny_girl 3

have you ever farted infront of your class?

does diarreah come from santa clause when your bad


DIARREAH

2007-03-29 09:55:10 · 9 answers · asked by candie loves kids 1

Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and no one else?
Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday

Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have?

Manager: Sorry, but I can't give you a job. I don't need much help.
Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact I'm just theright person in this case.

You will see, I won't be of much help anyway!!


Dad: Son, what do you want for your birthday?
Son: Not much dad, Just a radio with a sports car around it.


Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken. Call the manager!
Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either.


Diner: You'll drive me to my grave!
Waiter: Well, you don't expect to walk there, do you?


Husband: You know, wife, our son got his brain from me.
Wife: I think he did , I still got mine with me!


Man: Officer! There's a bomb in my garden!
Officer: Don't worry. If no one claims it
Within three days, you can keep it.

2007-03-29 09:24:06 · 10 answers · asked by ||| Romeo Boy ||| 4

at work.....

2007-03-29 09:15:52 · 5 answers · asked by Keana P 3

i managed to fool my babys dad last year that i had taken a hormone test and was having twins !!! he fell for that o it was funny !!! i need to keep my side up anyone got any good ideas..?if they induce a small amount of pain that ok...!

2007-03-29 09:05:09 · 6 answers · asked by sunpat 2