Jokes & Riddles - March 2007

On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the ocean for some sightseeing.

He was cruising along the beach in his car when there was a frantic commotion just off the shore.

A helpless man wearing an orange and white University of Texas jersey and hat was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark.

As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing crimson and cream University of Oklahoma jerseys.

One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark`s side.

The other two reached out and pulled the mauled, bleeding and semiconscious Texan from the water.

Then, using long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach.

"I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them.

"I heard that there were some bitter hatreds between OU and Texas, but now I have seen with my own eyes that is not true."

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies "Who was that?"

"It was the Pope," one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."

"Well," the harpooner said "he may have access to God's wisdom but he doesn't know diddly about shark fishing... is the bait holding up okay or do we need to get another one?"

2007-03-30 10:02:59 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

do u want a free nokia 7610?

get a free sim card, txts n free any time any network mins?

if u do go to

www.keepdreamin-daft- c*nt . com



LOL XX

2007-03-30 10:02:46 · 13 answers · asked by xx glad to be ere xx 3

What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman.

snowballs!!

2007-03-30 09:58:57 · 24 answers · asked by William C 2

(Anything can happen in this world... even talking chimneys!) Notice that the real riddle is on top

2007-03-30 09:55:25 · 11 answers · asked by Hinata 2

When I blew in her ear she said; "Thanks for the re-fill"!

LOL!

Did ya hear about the Blond that worked at the McDonald's Drive Thru?

She always asked customers if their order was "for here or to go"??

LOL!

What do you get if you put a Woman with PMS in the Micro Wave?

A week's worth of whining and complaining in about 30 secs.!

LOL!

2007-03-30 09:51:20 · 9 answers · asked by The Sylvan Wizard 5

They Don't *Snap*, *Crackle*, or Pop*! They just lay there!

2007-03-30 09:35:45 · 10 answers · asked by The Sylvan Wizard 5

Husband and wife in bed together.
She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.
She: "Oh", she sighs," that does feels good."
His hand moves to her breast.
She: "Oh my love, that feels wonderful"
His hand moves to her leg.
She: "Oh, sweetheart, don't stop" she says breathlessly.
But---------he stops.
She: "Why did you stop?"
He: "I found the remote."

2007-03-30 09:00:15 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-03-30 07:25:38 · 16 answers · asked by Giggly Giraffe 7

What to you call a two-legged cow?



Lean beef

What do you call a cow with no legs?



Ground beef.

Corny I know, but I think's its funny.

2007-03-30 07:19:04 · 18 answers · asked by Fuzzy 3

e.g= "how to deal with electrics" by Anna dapter.............or "keeping ur teeth healthy" by Pearle.E.White

2007-03-30 07:07:02 · 13 answers · asked by oh purleeeeze 3

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a p!ss!!" The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you would let me go p!ss, you'd be a ten!!!"

2007-03-30 06:49:28 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye.

His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"

"But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me!"

"Johnny," the father said, "You don't do those kind of things to women."

Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.

Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"

"But Dad," Johnny said, "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"

2007-03-30 06:36:43 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-03-30 06:34:26 · 2 answers · asked by Giggly Giraffe 7

2 Irishmen talking in a pub Pat sez if I shag your missus will that make us related? No sez Mick but it will make us even!!!

2007-03-30 06:25:41 · 18 answers · asked by angela f 3

Anybody who gets it right gets the best answer

Hint: You'll never get this because you won't excpect it!

Remember to temporarily bookmark this page as in 1 hour I will post the answer!

2007-03-30 05:55:24 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Top 5 best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk

5. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."
4. "This is just the 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me to."
3. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time."
2. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"

And the NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk... !

1. Raise your head slowly and say, "...in Jesus' name, Amen."

2007-03-30 05:51:59 · 34 answers · asked by Anonymous

i hope u can solve thhis riddle!
Gd Luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

2007-03-30 05:08:26 · 28 answers · asked by monkipuzzle 2

listen im having a rotten day so i need a few jokes to cheer me up. But if ANYONE gives a smart-mouth response like "if ur having a rotten day get off here" kind of thing, im not afraind to report.

2007-03-30 04:51:40 · 6 answers · asked by pistoluser 3

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she hands over the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely. However, we are a little puzzled. While you were away

2007-03-30 04:29:05 · 11 answers · asked by Jodi C 5

cos i'm off out tonight to get the beers in!

as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, the slowest and weakest ones at the back are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

2007-03-30 04:23:34 · 14 answers · asked by Just passing the time! 5

http://www.royal.gov.uk/output/Page3895.asp?ItemID=784&GalleryID=1

This must be a great photo for a caption.

2007-03-30 04:07:55 · 26 answers · asked by BrilliantPomegranate 4

I cain't giet enough!

2007-03-30 03:48:37 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Image:World_Trade_Center.gif

2007-03-30 03:31:00 · 24 answers · asked by Katey 3

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems...

Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot". So
the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible"
he says, there is a £20 note lodged up here." Tentatively he eases
the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 note appears.
"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. "What do you want me to do?"

"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient. The
doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another
and another and another, etc.... Finally the last note comes out and
no more appear. "Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly,dat's moch batter, how
moch is dare den?" The Doctor counts the pile of cash £1,990 exactly."
"Ah, dat'd be roit", says the Irishman.....
> >
> >Wait for it............)
> >
> >
> >
> >
>>
>>
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >> I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."

2007-03-30 03:24:54 · 23 answers · asked by Say It Like You Mean It 4

A blonde called her boy friend on the phone.
She asked him to come over right away. He asked her why.
She told him that she had this humongous puzzle and couldn't even begin to put it together.
He asked her what it is supposed be be when finished.
She said the picture on the box has a tiger on it.

He arrived and saw all the pieces spread out on the table.
He picked up the box and sure enough there was a tiger on it.

He looked at her and said, "Now, just relax and lets have a cup of coffee or tea".

He sighed and said, "No matter what we do, we can never put these pieces together to ever resemble a tiger".
Now, let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box".

2007-03-30 02:55:55 · 5 answers · asked by ed 7

2007-03-30 02:04:46 · 8 answers · asked by EVA J 4

2007-03-30 01:51:57 · 6 answers · asked by hello world 7

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife told him, "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat".

The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.

2007-03-30 00:01:57 · 17 answers · asked by shepp959 3

What do you get when you cross: A green baboon, Paris Hilton, Chuck Norris's Beard and a jar of Peanut Butter?

First correct answer gets 10 points...

2007-03-29 16:51:09 · 16 answers · asked by GHAAD 4

2007-03-29 14:32:24 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous