Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

2007-02-28 23:47:35 · 12 answers · asked by Gnanraj 2

who ever can answer correctly gets 10 points!!!!!!

2007-02-28 23:47:34 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together traveling through stormy conditions. Suddenly, the pilot came running back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes. "There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us," he announced. "Since I'm the pilot, I get one!" After saying this, the pilot grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane. "I'm the world's greatest athlete," proclaimed Michael Jordon. "This world needs great athletes, so I must live." Michael Jordon then grabbed a parachute and leaped out of the plane. "I'm the smarest man in the world," bragged Bill Gates. "The world needs smart men, so I must also live!" Bill Gates grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane. At this point, the Pope began to speak. "I have lived a long life compared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will go down with the plane." "You don't have to stay here! The world's smartest man jumped out of the plane with my backpack."

2007-02-28 23:33:59 · 13 answers · asked by Tish P 6

Chap walks in to the bar, amazed he rubs his eyes, there infront of him was this tiny man about 1 foot tall playing the piano!! The little man was superb, the music filled the bar.

The chap couldn't contain himself, he ran to the bar and shouted "barman, barmen... tell me where you got the piano player!!"

The barmen replied, very unhappyly "Don't talk to me about that bloody Pianist".

"But he's amazing, you must tell me about him!" exclaimed the chap.

"O.k, O.k," Said the barman, "Just promise me you'll drop the subject after?!"

"For sure!" replied the chap.

"Well," said the barman "I was tidying the cellar and I came across this bottle, I rubbed the dust off and to my amazement, a genie popped out and granted me one wish, he said speek clearly because the Genie had a slight hearing problem!" The barman stopped for a second and shook is head "Well, all I can say is I didn't ask for an 18" Pianist!!!"

2007-02-28 23:30:10 · 5 answers · asked by Lucky Cat 3

As the bus pulled away, I realized I had left my purse under the seat. Later I called the company and was relieved that the driver had found my bag.

When I went to pick it up, several off-duty bus drivers surrounded me. One man handed me my pocketbook, two typewritten pages and a box containing the contents of my purse.

"We're required to inventory lost wallets and purses," he explained. "I think you'll find everything there."

As I started to put my belongings back into the pocketbook, the man continued, "I hope you don't mind if we watch. Even though we all tried, none of us could fit everything into your purse. And we'd like to see just how you do it."

2007-02-28 23:24:40 · 8 answers · asked by Jodi C 5

can you think of the 1 word answer to this riddle?
rich people need it,
poor people have it,
it is greater than god,
and if you eat it you'll die!

2007-02-28 23:00:47 · 38 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sam wakes up at home with a huge hangover. Forcing him to open his eyes, the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and notices his clothes in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room is all spotless and clean. So is the rest of the house. He notices a note on the table, "Sweetheart, your breakfast is on the stove. I had to leave early to go shopping. Love you."

So, he goes to the kitchen and, sure enough, there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is sitting at the table, eating.

"What happened last night, son?" Sam asks.

His son replies, "Well, you came home after 3:00 AM, very drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and passed out"

Confused, Sam asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean?"

"Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, 'Lady, leave me alone. I'm married!"

2007-02-28 22:51:58 · 8 answers · asked by Lucky Cat 3

It is harder if you ask someone verbally so try it on your friends. 10 points to the first correct answer.
At the bus station there are 4 passengers on a bus.
It sets off and at the first bus stop 4 people get on and 3 get off.
At the second bus stop 7 people get on and nobody gets off.
When the bus gets to the third bus stop 5 people get on and 6 people get off.
At the fourth bus stop 1 person gets on 11 get off and 3 get on.
Fifth bus stop: nobody gets on but 1 person gets on.
Sixth bus stop: 6 people get on and 3 people get off.
Bus stop number 7: 4 get on and 3 get off.
Bus stop numero 8: 13 get on and 6 get off.
Back at the bus station: 4 people get off.
The question.
How many poeple are left on the bus?

2007-02-28 22:51:55 · 36 answers · asked by billymysterio 2

2007-02-28 22:42:24 · 11 answers · asked by infinite_times 2

The sentence below always tells the truth.

The sentence above always lies.

So,my question is this.Which one is the real liar and which one is telling the truth,top or bottom ? This is actualy much easier than it sounds.

2007-02-28 22:38:01 · 11 answers · asked by incredimazitastical 1

and why?

2007-02-28 22:36:50 · 7 answers · asked by smiley56 1

Q: Who was the greatest inventor of all time?
A: God was! He took a rib from Adam and made a loudspeaker.

Q: How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden?
A: They were definitely put out.

Q: What excuse did Adam give to his children to explain why he no longer lived in Eden?
A: "Your mother ate us out of house and home."

Q: Why did God create alcohol?
A: So ugly people have a chance at having sxx.In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman.

Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Adam and God were walking in the garden one day. Adam asked God, "Why did you make Eve so beautiful?"

God said, "Adam, so that you would love Eve."

Adam asked, "But, why did you make her so stupid?"

God replied, "So that she would love you."

2007-02-28 22:32:18 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

I'm looking for horsey quips i.e "I was rich but now I own a horse"
Would prefer no more than 10 words
Thanks

2007-02-28 22:28:29 · 3 answers · asked by june l 2

Englishman, Scottsman, and Irishman sitting on top of a tall building they are finnishing off. They have all stopped building for lunch, the Englishman opens his sandwiches and exclains "Ahh Beef! I'm so sick of beef sandwiches. If I get beef again, I'm jumping off this building!"
The Scottsman opens his sandwich "Ah, Haggis!, if I get Haggis tomorrow, I'm with you english man, I'm jumping!!"
The Irishman opens his, "Ahhhh Lamb..... If I get lamb tomorrow I'm wit you lads!"

Next Day:
Englishman, "I don't belive it, BEEF again, thats it." with that he jump off the 78 floor and dies!
Scotsman, "Ahh Haggis!" he also jumps and dies.
Irishman, "Ahh Lamb" He shouts as he jumps to his death.
Later that day at the morge all the wives are there consoling each other, the english wife exclaims "if only he said he didn't like beef I would have made him something else!" The scots wife aggreed, The irish wife perked up and says "I just don't understand.. Patrick made his own sandwiches

2007-02-28 22:20:36 · 15 answers · asked by Lucky Cat 3

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night, the drunk led the way to the bedroom, where there was a big brass gong.

"What's that brass gong for?" asked the friend.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? How's it work?"

"Watch this," said the drunk. He took a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and waited............

Someone on the other side of the wall screamed: "Hey, you jerk. It's 3:00 in the morning!"

2007-02-28 22:18:58 · 9 answers · asked by Lucky Cat 3

In the Garden of Eden, as everyone knows,
Lives Adam and Eve, without any clothes.

In this garden, were two little leaves,
One covered Adam's, one covered Eve's.

As the story goes on, nevertheless to say,
The wind came along, and blew the leaves away.

At the sight, Adam did stare,
There was Eve's trxasure, all covered with hair.

And wonder came, under Eve's eyes,
As Adam's thxng, started to rxse.

They found a spot, that suited them best,
A nice big tree, where they began to rest.

Her legs sprexd wider, and wider apart,
While thrill after thrill, came into her heart.

The head of Adam's thxng, peeked into the hold,
And filled her with pxssion, beyond her control.

Backward and forward, his thxng did slide,
And Eves treasure, was all wxt inside.

The joy was good, she wouldn't let loose,
Until Adam's thing, was all out of jxice.

Then through the years, people did scrxw,
And now it's time, for me and you.

2007-02-28 22:16:21 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

It seems that when the good Lord was making the world, he called Man aside and bestowed upon him 20 years of normal sxx life. Man was horrified, but the Creator refused to budge.

Then the Lord called the Monkey and gave him 20 years. "But I don't need 20 years," said the Monkey. "Ten years is plenty." Man spoke up and said, "May I have the other 10 years?" The Monkey agreed.

The Lord called the Lion next and also gave him 20 good years. The Lion also only wanted 10, so again Man spoke up, "May I have your other ten years?" "Of course," said the Lion.

Then came the Donkey, who was also granted 20 years. Like the others, 10 was more than enough. Man again asked for the spare ten years, and he got them.

This explains why Man has 20 years of normal sxx life, 10 years of monkeying around, 10 years of lion bout it, and 10 years of making an axs out of himself.

2007-02-28 22:11:38 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three guys were driving down a road in the middle of nowhere. the names were Shut Up, Sh*t, and Manners. Well, about a mile down the road, Manners jumps out of the car and streaks out into the desert. A second later, Sh*t jumps out and runs after Manners, yelling "Come back!!!"
Now Shut up is all alone and ponders if he should stop and wait for them to come back. "Nah," he thinks and continues on his journey, speeding up a little. Another mile goes by a cop pulls up behind him with his lights on, and pulls him over.
"Did you know you were speeding back there?" the cop asks.
"I was? I didn't realize." he says.
"Well, what's your name sonny?"the cop asks.
"Shut Up."
"what?!"
"I said Shut Up"
"Excuse Me!?" the cop says incredulous.
"I SAID SHUT UP! Did you get it that time?"
By now the cop is very piss.ed and says, "where are your manners!?"
"He went to pick up Shi*"

2007-02-28 22:10:54 · 2 answers · asked by lynn 5

2007-02-28 22:08:05 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bloke in his 90's is at hospital, the nurse hands him a jar for him to give a seman sample, the nurse understanding the old mans age tells to go home and come back the next day with the sample.

The man gets home, and in his bedroom he tries with his left hand, then his right hand, then both! just no good. So he calls for assistance from his wife, she enters the bedroom and tries left hand, then her right hand, then both, then with her mouth, teeth in, teeth out.... still no good!

In a last ditch attempt the wife calls Ethel next door over to try! again she tries left hand, then her right hand, then both, then with her mouth, teeth in, teeth out.... still no good!

So the next day the old man returns to the hospital, the nurse looks at the dissapointed face of the man and says "so what happend?" The man replies "I tried, my wife tried.. even Ethel just couldn't get the lid off the jar you gave me!!!"

2007-02-28 22:03:33 · 6 answers · asked by Lucky Cat 3

Two law partners hire a new cute young secretary, and a contest arises between them as to who can bxd her first, even though they're both already married. Eventually one of them scores with her, and his partner is quite eager to hear how things went.

"So what did you think?" asks the partner.

"Ahh," replies the first lawyer, "my wife is better."

Some time goes by, and then the second lawyer goes to bxd with the secretary. "So," asks the first guy, "what did you think?"

The second guy replies, "You're right."

The real estate boss got a hot new secretary, and he decided to put some moves on her. But within a few weeks, he is feeling displeased at the way she is working, not caring, coming to work late, and so on.

Finally, he pulls her aside, and has a little talk with her. "Listen, baby, we may have gone to bxd together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?"

The secretary replied, "My lawyer!"

2007-02-28 21:58:48 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q: Why to lawyers wear neckties?
A: To keep the foreskxn from crawling up their chins.

Q: Why are lawyers great in bed?
A: They get so much practice scrxwing people.

Q: What is the difference between a hooker and a lawyer?
A: A hooker will stop f***ing you when you're dead.

Q: What do lawyers use as contrxceptives?
A: Their personalities.

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo only scrxws one person at a time.

2007-02-28 21:55:28 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Losing a wife can be hard.
In my case, it was damned near impossible.

If your wife and a lawyer were drowning
and you had to choose,
would you go to lunch or to a movie?

Marriage is probably
the main cause of divorce.

Love is grand.
Divorce is a hundred grand.

DIVORCE.BAT found ...
deleting C:\MARRIAGE\SPOUSE.

Q: What is the best way to save a marriage?
A: Go out and price a few divorce lawyers!

2007-02-28 21:51:51 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

immigration says to first lad 'what do you do son?'I'm a pilot came the reply' welcome to the USA ,says to his brother 'and what about you?'I'm a turf digger,The officer said i'm afraid we have no call for turf diggers son you'll have to leave,As he's walkin back to the airport his brother crossed the line to follow him.Officer says where you goin?we always need pilots?


reply' how can i pilot if he can't dig it?

(told to me by an irishman and best friend)

2007-02-28 21:49:36 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man in Egypt found objects of an ancient civilization. One of those objects was a rock that had the date 48 B.C. (before Christ). Is this possible?

2007-02-28 21:47:34 · 6 answers · asked by Carla 4

okay..i cant sleep and i am very bored..
so anyone got any riddles for me?

best one gets 10 points!?

2007-02-28 21:45:48 · 4 answers · asked by asdfjkl; 2

a man meets a women and falls in love with her, but shes a lesbian, so the man gets a sex change to get with the lesbian, only to find the lesbian is a male in womens clothes! ironic?

2007-02-28 21:38:04 · 24 answers · asked by DAZ4518 5

An unfortunate soul gets washed up on a tropical island.

Soon he's captured by cannibals and put in a huge pot. The unfriendly tribe light a fire underneath and put vegtables in the pot with the unlucky sailor.

The tribal leader starts dancing around the pot, making alot of noise and stabbs the sailor with his spear...... The sailor bursts out laughing.

The chief, stops for a second, taken aback by the reaction of the sailor. But dances around the pot and stabs the saiolor again.

Again the sailor laughs, The chief now a little bemushed dances himself into a frenzy and stabs the sailor as hard as he can...... this time the sailor is in hysterics.

The chief stops the dancing and questions the sailor "Why, you laugh?? We capture you, put you in a pot of boiling water and vegetbles, stab you.... and you laugh???"

The sailor wipe the tears of laughter away and replies, "Evertime you stab me with your spear, I'm Sh*tting in your soup!!"

2007-02-28 21:28:15 · 8 answers · asked by Lucky Cat 3

A guy arrives early at the house of his prom date. As he waits for her to come downstairs, he has a chat with her mother in the living room.
The family dog ‘Spot’ sees the new face and decides to curl up next to him on the sofa.
Half way through the conversation the guy gets a massive gastric distress and breaks into a sweat to control his urge to fart.

The young man realizing that he couldn't hold it any longer without exploding.
He tries letting of a small one.

fart!

A tiny fart escaped.

“Spot,” called out mother to the family pet, “Get over here.”

The guy thinks, “Oh cool, she thinks it’s the dog. I’ll just let another one go”

Faaart.

“Spot,” she cried out sharply, “Get your @ss over here!”

The guy thinks, “Man, if she thinks it’s the dog, I’m just gonna let it all rip!”

FAAAAAARRRRTTT

“Spot!” shrieks the mother hysterically,

“Get your @ss over here before he sh!ts on ya!!!”

2007-02-28 21:24:53 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

a good start.......

2007-02-28 21:24:32 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous