Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

A young man walks into a bar and notices two lovley young blonde women sitting down.

He tells the bartender, "I'd like to buy those two ladies a drink."

The bartender gives him a funny look and answers, "I'm not so sure that is a good idea. You see they're lesbians."

"Sorry Mr. Bartender, but I don't know what you're talking about."

So the bartender responded, "Why don't you go over there and ask them?"

The young man walked over to the women and asked, "I hear you are lesbians, what does that mean?"

One answered politely, "Well, we like to kiss, suck each other's tit-'s...."

The young man yells to the bartender, "Hey get us three drinks here for us lesbians!"

2007-02-28 17:51:48 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

An eskimo car breaks down in wales,the mechanic says"youve blown a seal".

The eskimo says "so what youve f..ked a sheep".

2007-02-28 17:38:35 · 14 answers · asked by THE VIOLATER 1

Actually yet another creative question brought up by my son. LOL

2007-02-28 17:37:12 · 20 answers · asked by Kel Kel 3

The 14 year old boy who weighs 14 stone was asked earlier on tv today what his favourite musical instrument was at school???

The fat f..ker said" it was the dinner bell".

2007-02-28 17:33:21 · 10 answers · asked by THE VIOLATER 1

A man and a woman were drivin along the country side on a cold winter night,when the car suddenly broke down.
While leavin to find help,
the man told the woman not to open the doors or windows and not to let ne1 in.
On his return he found his wife dead,and there was a stranger in the car.
What would have happened. . . . .

U can star . . . . . . .

2007-02-28 17:13:30 · 20 answers · asked by SE7EN 3

-Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.

-The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key.

-Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?

-Aren't the 'good things that come to those who wait' just the leftovers from the people that got there first?

-Why don't the hairs on your arms get split ends?

-If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible?

-"Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?"

-Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures’?

-Can you breathe out of your nose and mouth at the same time?

-If heat rises, then shouldn't hell be cold?

-How come you play at a recital, but recite at a play?

-Why do people say, "You can't have your cake and eat it too"?

-Can bald men get lice?

-How come popcorn isn't a vegetable?

2007-02-28 16:56:34 · 20 answers · asked by itz_me 2

A nice joke for u people . . . .
A mechanic was removing the cylinder head from the motor of a dodge SRT-4 when he noticed a well known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was waitin there for the service manager to come take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage "Hey,Doc wanna take a look at this ?"
The cardiologist,a bit surprised,walked over to where the mechanic was workin on the SRT.The mechanic straightened up,wiped his hands on a rag and asked,"So Doc,look at this engine.I open his heart,take the valves out,repair any damage and then put them back in,and when i finish,it just works like new.
So how can i make 39,675 a year,a pretty small salary,and u get the really big bucks, $1,695,759,when u and i r doin basically the same work ?"
The cardiologist paused,smiled and leaned over,them whispered to the mechanic. . . . . .
"Try doin it with the engine running."
u can star . . . . .

2007-02-28 16:54:37 · 17 answers · asked by SE7EN 3

ive always been wondering....

2007-02-28 16:39:23 · 20 answers · asked by jeanelly m 1

A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled.
The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man.
"No way! No needles! I hate needles!" the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.
"I can't do the gas thing - the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!"
The Dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.
"No," the patient says, "I am fine with pills"
The dentist then returns and says, "Here is a Viagra tablet."
The patient says, "Wow - I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain pill!"
"It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth.

2007-02-28 16:38:07 · 8 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

I plan to throw afew jokes to a male teacher of mine. No offensive jokes of any kind! Its hard making him laugh, so the best will definetly deserve the 10points!

Thanks alot! very much appreciated!

2007-02-28 16:31:43 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Your riding a horse full speed, a giraffe beside you, an elephant in front, a lion behind you. What do you do? Get your drunk a** Off the carousel.

2007-02-28 16:29:25 · 14 answers · asked by MISS K.I.A. 5

2007-02-28 16:26:46 · 20 answers · asked by Jonathan 2

Between Iraq and a Hard Place.

2007-02-28 16:23:41 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Note - Yo Mamma or "what do you get when you cross...." are old and tired. We need new and original stuff! Or at the very least the best of the old ones.

2007-02-28 16:14:45 · 17 answers · asked by Aaron S 3

A boy and his father are in a car accident. The father dies. The boy is rushed to the hospital. the doctor says " i cannot operate on this child he is my son" how is the doctor related to the boy?

2007-02-28 16:06:07 · 14 answers · asked by lots of ? 2

A professor at the University is giving a seminar on the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks them, "How many folk here believe in ghosts?"

About 80 students raise their hands. "That's a good start," says the professor, "For those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good," continues the professor, "I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

15 students raise their hands.

"That's a great response," remarks the impressed professor, "has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

3 students raise their hands.

"Brilliant. But let me ask you one question further...

Have any of you ever been intimate with a ghost?"

One of his students from a Redneck state raises his hand.

The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed that.

You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor asks, "Well, tell us what it's like to have made love to a ghost."

The student replies, "Ghost?!? Dang it!... I thought you said goats."

2007-02-28 16:03:06 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A teacher asks her class " if there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one how meny are left?"
The most cocksure pupil little timmy, replies: "None the birds would fly away after the first shoot." The teacher says: "The correct answer is four....but i like your thinking timmy."
Little Timmy continues "If it's ok, Miss i have a quetion for you. There are tree women sitting on a bench eating ice cream. The first is licking the sides if her triple scoop. The second is gobbling the top and sucking the cone. And the third is bitting off the top.Which one' marrid?"
The teacher blushes and answers: "Well, i suppose it's probably the one gobbling the top and sucking the cone." Little Timmy laughs, then replies " The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on.... but i like your thinking Miss."

Boom Boom

2007-02-28 16:01:47 · 15 answers · asked by dan T 3

so if u know any really funny jokes pretty plz with suger on top tell

2007-02-28 15:23:40 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

how do you make an ugly baby?

2007-02-28 15:22:24 · 9 answers · asked by collegeboundblonde1287 2

ok, so a pregent woman was walking down an ally
all of a sudden a man with a gun jumps out and shoots her 3 times.

she surrived and has triplets, 2 girls and 1boy, although she surrived the docters were never able to get the bullets out.

about 13 years later one of her girls comes running into her room yelling mommy, mommy i was peeing and i peed out a bullet

they the next week the second girl comes running to her mom yelling the same thing.

the mother was worried by now but she didnt know what to do she she didnt so anything.

a few weeks later the mother was sleeping and she's woken up to a lould bang and meow, and all of a sudden her son comes running in yelling mommy mommy i was jacking off and i shot the cat!

2007-02-28 15:20:18 · 12 answers · asked by patrick vz 2

2007-02-28 15:17:23 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-28 15:02:20 · 7 answers · asked by Randy W 1

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100-years-old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

2007-02-28 15:01:34 · 14 answers · asked by yagman 7

Okay....

There were three crows bothering a farmer and his chickens
The crows flew up onto the roof.
The farmer had a gun with one bullet in it
He aimed for the crow in the middle, shot it, and killed it.
How many crows are left?

HINT: The answer isn't 0, 1, 2, or 3

This is a toughie!!!!!

2007-02-28 14:55:14 · 9 answers · asked by Meghan 2

Paula polish pointed nails.................

2007-02-28 14:50:46 · 7 answers · asked by makiansmit 1

whoever has the best one will be 'best answer'.

2007-02-28 14:45:14 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

The following mistranslations of various languages into English have been found at hotels and other tourist destinations throughout the world. Be sure to read them carefully, then just follow the instructions, hehehe!



1. In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.


2. In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.


3. In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.


4. In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.


5. In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.


6. In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.


7. In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.


8. In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

2007-02-28 14:32:27 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

beetle
dragonfly
spider


rabbit

*hint: it's someone famous.*
*hint: look at the top before the bottom*

2007-02-28 14:30:21 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-28 14:29:26 · 9 answers · asked by Judith W 2

Q. How many emo's does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. 2, one to screw in the lightbulb and one to write a poem about how much they miss the old one.

Q. What's so good about an emo pizza?
A. It cuts itself.

2007-02-28 14:14:42 · 10 answers · asked by DE66 3