Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

Q: What do you call a man with half a brain?

A: Gifted


Q: What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?

A: Any place without a drive-up window.

Q: What did the elephant say to the nxked man?

A: "It's cute... but can it pick up peanuts?"

Q: What's the best way to kill a man?

A: Put a nxked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.


Q: How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?

A: Make him wear shoes.

Q: Do you know the real problem with men?

A: They have a brain and a dxxk and only enough blood for one of them...


Q: Why don't men get mad cow's disease?

A: They are all pigs!

Q: What do guys and ceramic tiles have in common?

A: Lay them right the first time and you can walk on them for the rest of your life!

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder to instruction manuals

2007-02-01 02:00:46 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three blond men are out fishing one afternoon talking about this and that when one of the men says, "You know, my wife did the strangest thing the other day. She came home with 100 lbs of meat. I only say this is strange because we're vegetarians and don't eat meat."

One of the other men says, "You think that's weird. My wife came home with 100 lbs of dog food the other day. I don't know what she was thinking. We don't even own a dog and I'm allergic to dogs."

The third blond man says, "Well, you think that's weird. I've got both of you beat. My wife recently won a cruise and she's going with some female friends. So, she was out shopping the other day getting ready for this cruise and she came home with 100 condxms. She doesn't even have a pxnis!"

2007-02-01 01:51:32 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q: What does a tornado and a wife have in common?

A: They make a lot of noise when they are cxming and take the house with them when they go.

Q: Why do men pass gas more than women?

A: Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

Q: What's the best way to remember your wife's birthday?

A: Forget it once

Q: How do you describe a brunette whose phone rings on Saturday night?

A: Startled.


Q: How's a French woman hold her liquor?

A: By the ears.

Q. What do women and hurricanes have in common?

A. They start off as a blxw job and end up taking half your house.

2007-02-01 01:48:40 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

well as i got violation notices for a few of these last time tamed down a bit There was a young lady from Leeds
Who swallowed a packet of seeds
Within half an hour
Her cxnt was a flower
And her xrs was a garden of weeds

There was a young man from Trent
who's dxck was so long, it bent.
To save himself trouble,
He stuck it in double.
Instead of cxmming, he went

roses are red,
violets are blue,
your not my friend
but your darn good in bxd

2007-02-01 01:41:44 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

ONE GOOD REASON WHY NOT TO FLIRT!!!!!

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party.


The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there
was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party.

As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate sex in the back seat.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour. She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.

Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."

"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.

To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life!!"

2007-02-01 01:35:36 · 35 answers · asked by Anonymous

Was a bonus question for my son's class and we couldn't figure it out. It's driving me nuts!!

2007-02-01 01:30:39 · 6 answers · asked by suziqs70 1

Poem for women

He didn't like the casserole,
And he didn't like my cake.
My biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right,
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer,
I was looking for a clue;
Then I turned around and smacked him...
Like his Mother used to do.

The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone just she and I
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her brexst
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever
At milking a cow...

2007-02-01 01:25:12 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

WAXX

2007-02-01 01:22:00 · 2 answers · asked by taraloti 2

2007-02-01 01:14:04 · 8 answers · asked by Baby Doll 3

A Plane was flying through the jungle when suddenly the engine stalled. The pilot ejected and drifted gently down to land. Unfortunately he landed in a large cooking pot which was gently simmering over a low fire.
All the local tribesmen turned to look at him until the chief, blinking in disbelief asked, "What's this flier doing in my soup?"

aah..

2007-02-01 01:13:54 · 8 answers · asked by Mr (FnC).. Frogncat 5

no,,,it,s not a pipi,no,no,no.

2007-02-01 01:11:30 · 18 answers · asked by Baby Doll 3

2007-02-01 01:03:18 · 9 answers · asked by ANN-MARIE P 2

There was a blonde a redhead and a brunette.
They all decided to go to the bar and they got fake ids cause they were underage.
So they go in and the bartender knows they are underage so he call the cops.
The readhead informs the girls that the bartender has called the cops and they have to leave.
So they go out the back door and they see this barn. They go inside and the redhead notices 3 potato sacks on the floor.
See tells the girls to each hide in a potato sack.
Then the police arrive in the bar, and the bartender takes them out back to look around.
They go into the barn and look everywhere.
One cop says "They might be in those potato sacks". So he kicks the first one containing the redhead and hears "woof woof". "That's a dog" he thinks to himself.
He kicks the second bag containing the brunette and hears "Meow, meow" "Well that must be a cat" he thinks.
Finally, he kicks the last bag containing the blonde and hears in a slow voice "po...ta...to...es!

2007-02-01 01:03:15 · 7 answers · asked by ♥kristie♥ 2

2007-02-01 00:54:35 · 12 answers · asked by Renu R 1

a woman do sitting down, and a dog do on 3 legs?

2007-02-01 00:49:32 · 15 answers · asked by Sam I Am 3

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up.As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. 'Wow, this is great,' he thought.

It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

"Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"
"Yes. Come and join us," they cried.

Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. I tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked.

"Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them."

This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful.

Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"

"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well."

The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked.

One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly.
"There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there, "he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it."

Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning shagging his little heart out until, completely spent, he staggered back over to the guys.
"That was fantastic," he panted.

"So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.
"I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't."

The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."

"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette!"

2007-02-01 00:47:48 · 6 answers · asked by neilhollydood 1

A little boy and his dad are standing in line at the grocery store behind
a big fat lady. The little boy says, "hey dad, look how fat that lady is!"
"Shhhh, quiet son, she'll hear you."
"But dad, look how big and fat that lady is!"
"Shhhhhh, don't say that son, it's not nice!"
"But dad, look how big and fat that lady is!"
"Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh, don't say that son, it's not nice and it's rude!"
Suddenly the fat lady's beeper goes off.
"Look out dad, she's backing up!"

2007-02-01 00:44:08 · 8 answers · asked by ♥kristie♥ 2

COCONUT........wat else?

2007-02-01 00:38:36 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-01 00:30:07 · 30 answers · asked by Olly S 2

It has been proven that the dumbest, most perverted people in the world will read this with their hand on the mouse of their computer!....LOL....too late to take it off now!!! GOTCHA!

2007-02-01 00:24:40 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ni! Ni! Ni!

2007-02-01 00:23:18 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-01 00:20:17 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young man working at an office goes in to see his boss and asks him if he could have the rest of the day off.

And the boss asks him, “What for?”

And the guy says, “My wife’s gonna have a baby.”
So the understanding employer gives him the rest of the day off. When the young clerk comes to work the following morning, the boss calls him into the office and says, “Congratulations! Was it a boy or a girl?”

And the clerk says, “Oh, it’s much to soon to tell. We’ll have to wait nine months to find that out.”

2007-02-01 00:17:02 · 8 answers · asked by Mr (FnC).. Frogncat 5

Wife dreaming in the middle of the night suddenly shouts "quick my husband is comin back" man gets up jumps out the window and realizes "damm im the husband"...

2007-02-01 00:09:19 · 6 answers · asked by lilmami8617 1

A "heads up" for those of you who may be regular Superstores customers.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out
shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you!!

Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as
you are packing your shopping into the trunk.
They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their
breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask
you for a ride to another Major Superstore or Discount warehouse.
You agree and they get in the back seat.
On the way, they start having sex with each other.
Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on
you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen September 4th, 9th, 10th,
twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th. Also October 1st, 3rd, twice on the 7th, three
times just yesterday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So be careful....!!!

2007-02-01 00:08:11 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Six horses are running a race. In how many ways can they pass the post, assuming there are no dead heats?

2007-02-01 00:06:34 · 12 answers · asked by curly_krill 2

A pregnant lady named her children: Dominique, Regis, Michelle, Fawn, Sophie and Lara. What will she name her next child? Jessica, Katie, Abby or Tilly?

2007-02-01 00:02:25 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous