Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

Dear Billy Bob,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that..most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last..family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.
The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Ema said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned. They couldn't get the tailgate down.
If you don't get this letter, please let me know and i will send another one.
Luv Ma

2007-02-01 19:01:08 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-01 18:50:41 · 7 answers · asked by old dick withers 3

http://i148.photobucket.com/albums/s34/Ivorycoast_06/CIMG0207.jpg

2007-02-01 18:41:35 · 2 answers · asked by Rene A 1

This was developed as an age test by an R&D department at Harvard
University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a
Mistake. The average person over 50 years of age can't do it!

1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5 This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read aloud the third word in each line from the top to
Bottom, and I betcha you can't resist passing it on.

2007-02-01 18:39:40 · 1 answers · asked by LucySD 7

2007-02-01 18:10:33 · 13 answers · asked by The Answering Machine 4

2007-02-01 18:09:26 · 3 answers · asked by The Answering Machine 4

2007-02-01 18:07:17 · 11 answers · asked by old dick withers 3

Candidate#1-associates with crooked politcians, and consults with astroligist. He's had 2 mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.
Candidate#2-he was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.
Candidate#3-a decorated war hero, vegetarian, doesn't smoke, only drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.

i will reveal who they are and who you chose later...!

2007-02-01 18:05:54 · 11 answers · asked by B. B 1

2007-02-01 17:45:16 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-01 17:36:32 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

2007-02-01 17:35:33 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

heres the wierd situation: my science teacher mr. hooper has been cappin on me during class and he gave me one week to get him back, and i decided to wait until the last day(tomorrow) for a grand effect. basically im not limited to anything just no swear words and im good. i need sum help on how to get him back, like a set up or something.

2007-02-01 17:31:12 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A policeman sent his wife and child to a sea resort for a vacation. After a week he joined them in the hotel. As soon as he came to the hotel room he wanted to make love with his wife.

- No darling, we can't do it here, our kid is watching us.
- You are right, lets go to the beach.

After a while, they start to make love on an empty beach. All of a sudden, a policeman run into them.

- Put your cloths on immediately, shame on you, you can't do that in public.

- You are right - said the husband - but it was a moment of weakness. We didn?t see each other for a week. By the way, I am a policeman too and it would be very embarrassing if you fine me.

- Don?t worry, you are a colleague and it is your first time. But this is the third time I caught this ***** making love on this beach in the last week and she will have to pay for it!

2007-02-01 17:26:19 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?

2007-02-01 17:16:08 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

'Cos Frank was a fish.

2007-02-01 17:08:07 · 7 answers · asked by The Mad Shillelagh 6

Just drawn the short straw on the graveyard shift. Doing a double, back to back . It is Friday night and I'm stuck here with nothing to do and I don't even have a book to read. Help save My sanity!

2007-02-01 16:56:08 · 14 answers · asked by Ashleigh 7

this was a myspace bulliten and i cant figure it out and now i cant stop thinking about it

Find the error. It's impossible!

AAA
BBB
CCC
DDD
EEE
FFF
GGG
HHH
III
JJJ
KKK
LLL
MMM
NNN
OOO
PPP
QQQ
RRR
SSS
TTT
UUU
VVV
WWW
XXX
YYY
ZZZ

Did you know that 80% of UCSD students could not find the error above? Repost this with the title "find the error", and when you click "post bulletin", the answer will be really obvious


does anyone know what it is?
thanks!

2007-02-01 16:48:43 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-01 16:30:05 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

John is very secular and very american. he heard about Yahoo Answers being a service provided by An American company called Yahoo, he thought, he will be so patriatic by supporting american company.

John loves jokes. he went to the jokes section and posted joke. Yahoo sent him violation email "non-question or answer".

John frustrated, he posted a question in religion, We will win the war on islamic terror? yahoo sent him violation email "violation of the secret communities guidelines".

John got so mad, he posted on the dating section, he asked "sex ok before marriage?" Yahoo sent him email "No, Haram"

John got really mad and decided to email Yahoo Answers, "hey yahoo, are you Islamic company?" he thought he gonna make Yahoo will say "it was error"..

Yahoo Answered: "Barak Allah, Alhamdulillah, you are a muslim brother then? Wa-allahi al-adheem, your questions will never be deleted, sorry, we thought you are infidel.. Allahu Akbar"

2007-02-01 16:27:07 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

2007-02-01 16:25:46 · 15 answers · asked by xrandomnessx 2

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What, dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth

"I think you're bad luck."

2007-02-01 16:15:20 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God and I didn't.

2.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

3.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

4.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

5.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

6.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

7.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

8.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

9.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

10.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

11.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

12.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

13.. Procrastinate Now!

14.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

15.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

16.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

17..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

18..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

19..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

20..Ham and eggs ~ A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

21.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

22.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

23.. I smile because I don't really know what the heck is going on.

2007-02-01 15:53:08 · 9 answers · asked by RAW DIVA™ 5

John got off the elevator on the 50th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.

"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Spot, my dog, while you're waiting?" He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."

The dog followed John onto the balcony and started rolling over. John made a hoop with his arms and Spot jumped through--over the balcony railing. Just then John's date walked out.

"Isn't Spot the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"

"To tell the the truth, " he replied, "Spot seemed a little depressed to me!"

2007-02-01 15:44:49 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why is it that people duck in the rain, do they really think the rain won't hit them?

Why did Sally sell seashells on the seashore when you can just pick them up anyway?

Why are elderly people often called "old people" but children are never called "new people"

Why does it say "shake well" on ketchup bottles, but not ketchup packets?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Why is it good to be a Daddy's girl, but bad to be a Momma's boy?

Why do we leave expensive cars in the driveway, when we keep worthless junk in the garage?

Why do they call them pepperoni if there is no pepper in it?

Why is it called 'after dark', when it is really after light?

Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

What would Cheese say if they got their picture taken?

Why do they have handicap parking spaces in front of they skating rings?

2007-02-01 15:43:55 · 11 answers · asked by tRaCi3 4

what the`````````````` BANG!!!!!!!!!!! EO EO EO EO EO`````` .... TANG TANG TANG TANG TANG TANG UNNNNNN~~~~~ UNNNN UNNNN``````..... EU EU EU EU EU EU A ` A A A A A A A A ` A A A A A EO EO EO EO EO EO''''''''''''

2007-02-01 15:40:34 · 11 answers · asked by Chaos_dude 2

2007-02-01 15:38:01 · 2 answers · asked by pollywollydoda 3

which 'pop' is better...

diet cherry coke
cherry coke

or

diet cherry pepsi
cherry pepsi

????

2007-02-01 15:32:26 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Is this possible even for Chuck?

2007-02-01 15:04:56 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in
deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some
>bones on the ground close by, he
immediately settles down to chew on
the
>bones with his back to the approaching
cat. Just as the leopard is about to
>leap the old poodle exclaims loudly,
"Boy, that was one delicious leopard!
>I wonder if there are any more around
here?"
>
>
>
>Hearing this, the young leopard halts
his attack in mid-strike, a look of
>terror comes over him and he slinks
away into the trees. "Whew!", says the
>leopard, "That was close! That old
poodle nearly had me!"
>
>
>
>Meanwhile, a monkey who had been
watching the whole scene from a nearby
>tree, figures he can put this knowledge
to good use and trade it for
>protection from the leopard. So off he
goes, but the old poodle sees him
>heading after the leopard with great
speed, and figures that something must
>be up. The monkey soon catches up
with the leopard, spills the beans and
>strikes a deal for himself with the
leopard.
>
>
>
>The young leopard is furious at being
made a fool of and says, "Here,
>monkey, hop on my back and see
what's going to happen to that conniving
>canine!"
>
>
>
>Now, the old poodle sees the leopard
coming with the monkey on his back and
>thinks, "What am I going to do now?",
but instead of running, the dog sits
>down with his back to his attackers,
pretending he hasn't seen them yet,
>and just when they get close enough to
hear, the old poodle says.
>
>
>
>"Where's that damn monkey? I sent
him off an hour ago to bring me another
>leopard!
>
>
>
>Moral of this story...
>
>
>
>Don't mess with old farts...age and
treachery will always overcome youth
>and skill! Bxllshxt and brilliance only
come with age and experience.

2007-02-01 15:03:56 · 4 answers · asked by Tink 5

does it smell like bananas?

2007-02-01 15:03:16 · 10 answers · asked by Rowdy Yayhoot 7