Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

When blondes have more fun do they know it?

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die

Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?

Police Station toilet stolen....Cops have nothing to go on.

Schizophrenia beats being alone.

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.

Energizer Bunny Arrested! Charged with battery.

I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got.

I bet you I could stop gambling

Bigamy: one wife too many.Monogamy: same thing

Karaoke is Japanese for "Tone Deaf"

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

what do ya think? got any one liners to share?

2007-02-28 21:20:51 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2 ducks walk into hotel bar first duck says 2 pints of bitter please barman says thats £5 please. duck replies can you put it on my bill please

2007-02-28 21:16:06 · 22 answers · asked by trevor s 3

2007-02-28 21:08:06 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Patrick Fitzmorris ,and Morris Fitzpatrick,,,get it while it's not banned!

2007-02-28 20:56:49 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q: What is the definition of mixed emotions?
A: Watching your mother-in-law go off a cliff
in your new Mercedes.



A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives.
In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."



If marriage were outlawed,
only outlaws would have in-laws.


mother: "Soooo . . .
You want to become my son-in-law."
Suitor: "No, but I don't see
any other way to marry your daughter."
Last year a Jewish gentleman, fresh out of gift ideas, bought his mother-in-law a large plot with a fancy granite headstone in an expensive cemetery.

On his mother-in-law's next birthday, he bought her nothing.

Naturally, she was quick to comment loud and long about his thoughtlessness.

The son-in-law replied, "Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year."

2007-02-28 20:41:30 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A French woman took her little daughter to the Louvre where they saw a statue of a nxde male. "What is that?" asked the child pointing to the pxnis.

"Nothing, nothing at all, Cherie," replied the mother.

"I want one," said the child. The mother tried to focus her daughter's attention on a more suitable subject, but the little girl persisted. "I want one just like that," she kept repeating.

At last the mother said, "If you are a good girl and stop thinking about it now, when you grow up, you will have one."

"And if I'm bad?" asked the little one.

"Then," answered the mother, "You will have many."

2007-02-28 20:29:47 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot.
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls wax their floors.
Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

Good girls blush during sxx scenes in a movie.
Bad girls know they could do it better.

Good girls wear white cotton pxnties.
Bad girls don't wear any.

Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls.
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.

Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it.
Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.

Good girls pack their toothbrush.
Bad girls pack their dixphragms.

Good girls wear high heels to work.
Bad girls wear high heels to bed.

Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have sxx.
Bad girls think no place is the wrong place.

Good girls prefer the mxssionary position.
Bad girls do too, but only for starters.

Good girls say, "No."
Bad girls say, "When?"

2007-02-28 20:25:12 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mr. Hamilton, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Hamilton, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Hamilton called on Miss Johnston and asked the same question. Miss Johnston, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light." "Correct," said Mr. Hamilton.

"And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

2007-02-28 20:18:31 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

1.You haven't asked yet.

2.I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.

3.What? And spoil my great sxx life?

4.Nobody would believe me in white.

5.Because I just love hearing this question.

6.Just lucky, I guess.

7.It gives my mother something to live for.

8.My fiancee' is awaiting parole.

9.I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.

10.Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?

11.I'm waiting until I get to be your age.

12.It didn't seem worth a blood test.

13.I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.

14.Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.

15.My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.

16.I'd have to forfeit my billion-dollar trust fund.

17.They just opened a great singles bar on my block.

18.I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.

2007-02-28 20:11:56 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

You know when the kids are digging in the sand at the beach, and someone jokes that they better be careful or they will dig a hole to China. If we say China, what do other countries say if they have the same joke?

2007-02-28 20:06:57 · 18 answers · asked by neat09 2

A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. After the husband had finally had enough, he jumped up and took a blanket to the couch.

The next day, the wife feeling badly about what happened, decided to buy her husband a gift. Since he was an avid golfer, she went to the pro shop at the club where he usually played golf.

The wife talked with the pro, and he suggested a putter and showed her one of his finest. "How much is it?" she asked.

"One-hundred and fifty dollars," he replied. She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so.

"But it comes with an inscription," the pro said. "What kind of inscription?" she asked.

"Whatever you wish," he explained. "But, one of the old golfers' favorites is: 'Never Up, Never In'."

"Oh, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the argument in the first place."

2007-02-28 20:05:01 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

a boy and a girl were standing on the bus stand. the boy went away and a lady asked the girl what was the relation between her and that boy. the girl answered"his father is the father-in-law of whose father is my father-in-law". what was their relation??????????

2007-02-28 20:00:26 · 19 answers · asked by palak_coolfreak89 2

The young American girl, on her very first trip to Paris, decided to test the French male's fabled expertise in the art of love-making.
On her first date, she asked him what exactly he intended to do with her.
"First," he replied, "I weel remove ze dress. Zen, I will carry you to ze bed. And zen," he added triumphantly, "I will kiss ze navel."
"Big deal !!!" she said. "I've had my navel kissed before hundreds of times."
"Ahhhhh, but of course" shrugged the Frenchman. "But... from ze inside?"

2007-02-28 19:57:30 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy and girl meet at the bar and are instantly attracted to each other. They party all night, and at the end decide to go back to his place to continue. Once there, they get passionate and start to make out. When the time is right, the girl finds the bedroom, gets undressed and gets under the covers, waiting for the guy who is now coming out of the bathroom.
The guy walks in starts to undress and stops with just his shorts on. He reaches into his pants pocket, pulls out a magic marker and hands it to her.
She takes one look at it an says, "What's this for? Are you some kinda pxrvert?"
He looks at her, drops his shorts and smiles kinda sxxy.
She smiles, her eyes now wide open and staring in disbelief at his johnson which hangs more that halfway to his knees.
He breaks her spell by saying, "You're gonna have to draw a line somewhere, baby."

2007-02-28 19:55:56 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy with a huge dxxk has a lot of trouble trying to get a girl. When they see the size of his pxcker they make their excuses and leave. So he thinks of a cunning plan, meets a hxoker and asks her, "Do you mind if we do it my way?"
"What way is that?" she asks.
"Oh, I would just like you to wear a blindfold" he replies.
"Is that all? No problem - let's go to my place," she answers.
They walk the short distance to her apartment. Whilst taking off their clothes he puts the blindfold on her.
"Why do you want me to wear a blindfold?" she asks.
"Because of my religion" he answers.
"What religion is that?" she asks.
"I'm an agnostic," he says, getting on top of her.
"Hmmm - an agnostic - I've heard of those - you're one of those people who doesn't believe in..... ............................J E S U S C H R I S T!"

2007-02-28 19:53:44 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

a man needs 2 or more oranges a day to survive,but he cant find any. tha only place that has oranges is a small farm.
the owner allows the man to cut the oranges,but tells the man
he has 11 guards on site and whatever amount he cuts he has
to split it with his guards (whatever he cuts when he reaches the first guard he has to give him half and the guard will give him 1 back.)he has to carry out this till he passes the 11 guards
how many oranges will he cut???????????????

2007-02-28 19:31:30 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-28 19:24:01 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-28 19:22:51 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

When the guy is crawling in the ceiling back to the library he starts telling a joke about a woman in a bar with a poodle...what the hell is the end of the joke? He falls the the ceiling before he finishes.

2007-02-28 19:06:04 · 3 answers · asked by Bree 1

i has t in it..

2007-02-28 19:06:02 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

hahahahahaha how many of you fell for it and fwded those 'bill gates' mails.

2007-02-28 18:55:35 · 10 answers · asked by tornjeansandguitar 3

2007-02-28 18:41:09 · 5 answers · asked by UFO 1

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)

1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)

1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet

2007-02-28 18:35:31 · 13 answers · asked by Mary 6

2007-02-28 18:06:56 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-28 18:04:32 · 11 answers · asked by chkthsout 1

Why wasnt jesus born in liverpool???

He couldnt find 3 wise men and a virgin....

2007-02-28 17:59:36 · 18 answers · asked by THE VIOLATER 1

2007-02-28 17:56:53 · 8 answers · asked by Phillip 4

2007-02-28 17:55:33 · 8 answers · asked by Phillip 4

2007-02-28 17:55:00 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

What has bernard mathews and freddie mercury got in common?

They both have ended up being f..ked by infected c..ks...

2007-02-28 17:54:29 · 9 answers · asked by THE VIOLATER 1