Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

they go to heaven to an orientation.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!'"

2007-02-28 02:02:14 · 18 answers · asked by nine_iron76 3

3 MEN GO INTO A MOTEL. THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK SAID THE ROOM IS $30,
> SO EACH MAN PAID $10 AND WENT TO THE ROOM.
>
> A WHILE LATER THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK REALIZED THE ROOM WAS ONLY $25,
>
> SO HE SENT THE BELLBOY TO THE 3 GUYS' ROOM WITH $5.
>
> ON THE WAY, THE BELLBOY COULDN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO SPLIT $5 EVENLY
> BETWEEN 3 MEN, SO HE GAVE EACH MAN A $1 AND KEPT THE OTHER $2 FOR
> HIMSELF.
>
> THIS MEANT THAT THE 3 MEN EACH PAID $9 FOR THE ROOM, WHICH IS A TOTAL
>
> OF $27, ADD THE $2 THAT THE BELLBOY KEPT = $29.
>
> WHERE IS THE OTHER DOLLAR?
>

2007-02-28 01:37:29 · 8 answers · asked by bruce_lee_headache 2

2007-02-28 01:28:50 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am, in truth, a yellow fork
From tables in the sky
By inadvertent fingers dropped
The awful cutlery cry.
Of mansions never quite disclosed
And never quite concealed
The apparatus of the dark
To ignorance revealed.

What am I?

2007-02-28 01:21:54 · 10 answers · asked by this girl in miami 2

1.Ripped from my mother's womb,
Beaten and burned,
I become a blood thirsty killer.
What am I?

2.I know a word of letters three. Add two, and fewer there will be

3.I give you a group of three. One is sitting down, and will never get up. The second eats as much as is given to him, yet is always hungry. The third goes away and never returns.

4.Half-way up the hill, I see thee at last, lying beneath me with thy sounds and sights -- A city in the twilight, dim and vast, with smoking roofs, soft bells, and gleaming lights

5When young, I am sweet in the sun.
When middle-aged, I make you gay.
When old, I am valued more than ever.
6.If you break me
I do not stop working,
If you touch me
I may be snared,
If you lose me
Nothing will matter.

7.Until I am measured
I am not known,
Yet how you miss me
When I have flown.


8.All about, but cannot be seen,
Can be captured, cannot be held,
No throat, but can be heard.

2007-02-28 01:15:43 · 6 answers · asked by ღىαгαღ 2

if u are walking down the road and a car is coming at this man on the road at like 60kph... would you save him or let him get killed?? Do you think ther'd be blood and guts?

2007-02-28 01:03:22 · 21 answers · asked by midnight515 2

A man loved the colour red. The floor was red, the ceiling was red, the kitchen was red...why weren't the stairs red?

2007-02-28 01:01:18 · 10 answers · asked by ? 1

a man lived all by himself. he never went out and no one ever visited him. one day he watered all his plants, turned off all the lights and left the building, never to return again. his action resulted in the death of six men. why?

2007-02-28 00:59:14 · 7 answers · asked by natalia 4

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED WOMAN"
2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

5. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

6. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED."

7. She does not have "BRExST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."

8. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

9. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SxXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

I feel so much better now!

2007-02-28 00:54:51 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

I have always wanted to know, and i'm sure it depends on the type of licks but nonetheless, I need answers.

2007-02-28 00:48:42 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

The soviets shoot down a U.S. spy plane; John Kennedy is elected president; and Chubby Checker introduces the Twist.
1961: The Russians and then the U.S. put a man into space; the Berlin wall goes up.
1962: K-Mart and Wal-Mart open; Russian warheads in Cuba bring the world to the edge of war.
1963: President Kennedy is assassinated; Dr. Martin Luther King declares, "I have a dream."
1964: President Johnson declares a "war on poverty." But he also plans the huge escalation of a much larger war to be fought half-way around the world. The Beatles "invade" the U.S.
1965: Civil disturbances over race and the Vietnam war play in increasingly larger roles in American society. President Johnson unveils his plans for the "Great Society."
1966: The Supreme Court issues its "Miranda" ruling; U.S. troop strength in southeast Asia reaches 400,000.

2007-02-28 00:48:33 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-28 00:19:04 · 16 answers · asked by memyself_i49338 1

A little boy was doing his math homework.

He said to himself, "Two plus six, that son of a bit ch is eight. Three plus four, that son of a bit ch is seven...."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.

"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bi tch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

2007-02-28 00:00:20 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Dear Mum,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercing and tattoos and his big motorcycle. But it is not only that mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasies we may want. In the meantime, we'll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it. Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit for you to know your grandchildren.


Love
Your daughter, Judith

2007-02-27 23:58:21 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

When I'm out clothes shopping with my girlfriend and she has to try something on, why is it that shops put the changing rooms right next to the lingeree section. Is it just me who stands there and feels like everyone is looking, thinking I'm some sort of perv?
I mean, it's not like I'm rummaging through knickers maniacally drooling!

2007-02-27 23:54:00 · 11 answers · asked by Louis Junior. 4

I was at a comedy club a few nights ago and at the break they had a competition to come up with a punch line for a joke. i thought i'd put a few here to see which ones you like (or if you can come up with a better one)

Q. What is the difference between Britney Spears and a coconut?


As:
Britney hasn't banged Keith Richards
One of them is shy....
The coconut is still tasty
The coconut is MEANT to be out of it's tree

2007-02-27 23:52:28 · 16 answers · asked by tor 4

I have noticed in the jokes and riddles section that a joke will be told, only for half a dozen answers saying they don't understand it. Is this because the US readers just don't understand the UK sense of humour - and vice versa?
American comedians in the UK don't always go down that well ( with a couple of exceptions), and likewise the UK comedians in America.
Why the difference in sense of humour?
And does this account for some of the ocassional Anglo/American carping that goes on on this site - just a misunderstanding of meaning, or way of life?

2007-02-27 23:48:59 · 17 answers · asked by Bunts 6

This is a riddle I know the answer is 36 but I want to know how to get to 36

2007-02-27 23:46:27 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ok this is how it went...One day i found out i had to attend a party at they last min,I had no outfit what so ever,So i went to the mall with my grrl Mindy,And all of a sudden,This guy walks up to meAnd starts singing that song amazed by lonestar,Well i did not know him!And i ran into the mall with my friend thinking he was F*cking crazy,Than he goes into the mall after me singing,So me and my friend told him to lay off,he did not take the hint...So they security gaurd came and told him to leave but he kept singing, and yelled, so F-in loud I LOVE NICOLE! (which is my name) Everyone in that mall was laughing,Although I do not know how he knew my name,Im thinking this was a joke...

2007-02-27 23:42:39 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

The IRS decides to audit Tom, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor is not surprised when Tom shows up with his attorney.
The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable." "I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Tom. "How about a demonstration?" The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead." Tom says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye." The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet." Tom removes his glass eye and bites it.The auditor's jaw drops. Tom says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."The auditor can tell Tom isn't blind, so he takes the bet.Tom removes his dentures and bites his good eye.The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Tom's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

2007-02-27 23:38:31 · 7 answers · asked by Jodi C 5

I am a nine letter word!Without me you will be dead
With the help of 2nd 3rd 4th letter on my name you will be able to 1st 2nd 3rd & 4th of my name!
The fifth & sixth letter of is a disease!
The meaning of the last three letters on my name is -to have food
Who am I ?

2007-02-27 23:33:38 · 25 answers · asked by ? 2

they're both fuxxing s,h.it singers

2007-02-27 23:31:24 · 11 answers · asked by Uncle Elroy 4

Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good,but never actually come close to reality?

Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces in this message, just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want to catch whatever you have .

8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ***.

9. This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask;
"because you are my friend".

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you
can feel the true warmth.

Send this to "all 10" of your friends, then get depressed because you can only think of four!!! (And don't send it back to me....I don't want to hear it!!!)

And remember....when life hands you Lemons, ask for tequila and salt
and call the Cardinal over!!!

2007-02-27 23:20:36 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-27 23:11:26 · 8 answers · asked by elizabeth l 2

Two Mexicans were stuck in the desert wandering aimlessly and close to death.They're close to lying down and waiting for the inevitabe when all of a sudden Pepie do you smell what I smell eets bacon I sure eets bacon.So with renewed strengh struggle up the next sand dune in the distancethey see a tree loaded with bacon there's raw bacon dripping with moisture there's back bacon smoked,there's double smoked back bacon bacon every imaginable cured pig meat Pepie, we is saved it ees a bacon tree Are you sure it not a meerage Luise, after all we ees in the middle of the desert don't forget Pepi when deed you ever hear of a meerage smell like bacon, no it ees a bacon tree And with that Louse race towards the bacon tree with Pepi folllowing close behind.he get to within 5 metres of the tree when all of a sudden machine gun fire rings out and Luise is cut down .It is clear he is mortally wounded but with his dyin breath warns Pepi
you're right it's not a bacon tree it's a


Ham Bush

2007-02-27 23:09:38 · 14 answers · asked by st.abbs 5

You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.

You find humor in other people's stupidity.
You want to slap the next person who says "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free."

You believe chocolate is a food group.

You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.

You believe "Shallow gene pool" should have its own box in the report card.

You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today.

When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know to correct their behavior.

You have no life between August to June.

When you mention "Vegetables" you're not talking about a food group.

You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.

You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.

You believe in aerial Prozac spraying.

You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary setting for the last 10 years.

You've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would "Never DREAM" of doing your job.

You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.

You know you are in for a major project when a parent says "I have a great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be such fun."

You want to choke a person when they say "Oh, you must have such FUN everyday. This must be like playtime for you."

Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question "Why is this kid like this?"

2007-02-27 23:09:28 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-27 23:02:22 · 8 answers · asked by cutie_hr 2

Women are like apples on trees.
The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men
don't want to reach for the good ones because they are
afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they
sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't
as good, but easy. The apples at the top think
something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're
amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to
come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all
the way to the top of the tree.

Now Men....
Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and
it's up to women to stomp the juice out of them until
they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

2007-02-27 23:00:39 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

its the start of a new day at university and the dean(principal) is laying down the rules to the new students
"the boys dorm if out of bounds for girls, as is the girls dorm to the boys.
anyone found breaking this rule will be charged £30 for the first offence,
£80 for the second offence,
and £150 for the third offence"

suddenly a voice comes from the back....

"how much for a season ticket"

2007-02-27 22:56:33 · 12 answers · asked by Uncle Elroy 4

I was walking down the street, when I was accosted by a dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner? "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless woman told me.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead,I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight."

The homeless Woman was shocked. "Won't your husband be furious with you
for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
I said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."

2007-02-27 22:56:18 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous