Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

It's 12 O'Clock Midday on a day in August, there are many people standing outside, there are car lights on and lamplights on.

Why is this?

2007-02-27 22:52:17 · 15 answers · asked by Sai~ 3

want to know if there is something like that out there

2007-02-27 22:51:07 · 19 answers · asked by o 2

It seems obvious to me that boys should be brought up by two men living together and girls by two women. Obviously, there has to be two of them, because we all know what terrible delinquents the children of single parent families turn out to be.

If you are brought up in an environment where you have two differently gendered adults, how do you be sure which one to choose as your role model? Particularly for boys, as your mother will be around the home doing women's work so much of the time, whereas your father would be out hunter-gathering.

No wonder there are so many bisexuals, transvestites, transexuals and generally confused kids growing up in today's society.

Why only the other day I saw a woman police officer buying donuts in a cake shop and being served by a man. Needless to say they were both under twenty one and were obviously the roduct of dangerous heterosexual family homes.

When are the government going to do something about it?

2007-02-27 22:34:49 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Dear alcohol,

First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holiday's hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.

However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2007-02-27 22:04:40 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
3. Insist that your e-mail address be: xena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com or elvis-the-king@company name.com
4. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
5. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronised chair dancing.
6. Put your waste bin on your desk and label it 'IN'. (This is a MUST DO)
7. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
8. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, swith to espresso.
9. Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
10. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
11. Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.

2007-02-27 21:57:29 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Please don't take offense to this joke, it has no malicious intent!!

Blokes been drinking at a bar for hours, the barman turns to him and says that he has had too much and should go home.

The bloke creates a big fuss and gets one more drink.

After the last drink he attempts to get off the bar stool, and falls to the floor...... he hauls him self up and moves forward about a meter and falls to the floor again!!!

Luckly the bloke only lives 200m from the pub, however hard the bloke tries ever meter he falls to the ground... hauls himself up.... falls down....

Next morning the blokes wife brings him a cup of tea in bed and exclaims "you cirtainly had a few last night!!"

The bloke protests "No No, I only had a couple"

"Rubish!" Says the wife, "I know you had far to much last night because Larry the barman called.... says you've left your wheel-chair in the bar!!!"

2007-02-27 21:55:22 · 10 answers · asked by Lucky Cat 3

. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time... I know where my watch is pal, where the helll is yours? Do I point at my crxtch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their axs to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it??

4. When people say "It's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the fxck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a movie "Did you see that?". No loser, I paid $8 to come to the cinema and stare at the floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

2007-02-27 21:51:51 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sitting on the edge of a state highway waiting to catch speed drivers, a state police officer sees a car puttering along at 22mph he thinks "This driver is as dangerous as a speeder." So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car he sees a blonde driver with 4 old lady passengers, eyes wide and as white as ghosts.
The driver obviously confused asks "Officer, whats the problem? I dont understand, Iwas doing exactly the speed limit."
"Ma'am," the police officer replies, "You were'nt speeding but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be an hazard to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit?" She asks, "No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly, 22 miles per hour." she says proudly. The state police officer trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" is the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarassed the blonde grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before you go Ma'am.....

2007-02-27 21:51:44 · 8 answers · asked by Lucky Cat 3

Friendship bracelets were ties that couldn't be broken.
You know all the words to "Ice Ice Baby".
You wanted to be on "Jim'll Fix It".
You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before he had plastic surgery.
You wore one of those slap-on wristbands at some point... or heaven forbid one of those T-shirts that changed colour with heat.
You had slouch socks and puff painted your own shirt at least once.
You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, Wax off".
You were upset when She-ra, Princess of Power and He-Man got cancelled.
You can remember watching Saved by the Bell.
You remember Madonna in her cone stage.
You even wore fluorescent-neon clothing... (if you can call it clothing!)
Not only did you wear fluorescent-neon clothing, but they were mismatched with fingerless gloves and toweling socks.
You could break dance (ok, you wished you could)
You remember when Amiga was a state of the art video game system
You remember M.C. Hammer

2007-02-27 21:45:19 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man stumbles into the emergency department with 2 black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. The doctor asked him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced the ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, while I was rooting around I noticed that one of the cows had something white sticking out it's rear end. I lifted up the tail and sure enough there was the wife's golf ball stuck right up the cows butt, thats when I made the mistake.
The doc asked "What did you do?"
The man replied "I lifted up the cow's tail and shouted to the wife, hey honey! This one looks like yours!!"

2007-02-27 21:43:05 · 15 answers · asked by Lucky Cat 3

You will know that I am coming
From the jingle of my bell,
But exactly who I am is not an easy thing to tell.

Children, they adore me
for they find me jolly,
but I do not see them when the halls are decked with holly.

My job often leaves me frozen,
I am a man that all should know,
But I do not do business in times of sleet or ice or snow.

I travel much on business,
But no reindeer haul me around,
I do all my traveling firmly on the ground.

I love the time of Christmas,
But that's not my vocational season,
And I assure that is because of a sound economic reason

2007-02-27 21:42:43 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

I participated on KBC shortcut by accumulating a score of 1950 points and was sent a message on 16th Feb 07 that mine was the highest score -I was congratulated -ever since then I have not heard anything as to who won the contest, my telephone bill is sky rocketing with no reply whatsover -can you help me get kbc to answer my question.Ayesha Ahmed

2007-02-27 21:30:43 · 3 answers · asked by ayesha a 1

Or is this just a popular optional extra?

I thought I'd share this morning's episode with you...

I am currently decorating and am wearing a pair of old jeans and a T-shirt which are covered in paint splatters, polyfilla, woodstain etc. The front door opens into the hallway, which is stripped and bare, featuring newly white walls, a stepladder and assorted piles of decorators tape, sandpaper, spare roller sleeves, etc.

The two pillocks who have "come to share some thoughts" on my doorstep begin the conversation, "Sorry, have we go you out of bed?"

The conversation kind of goes downhill from there. It's a bit like watching Eurovision, talking to these people. You start off with good intentions of being respectful of other cultures whilst maintaining a healthy distance from the stupidity of it, but cannot help laughing at first, slipping into derision, then on to blatant sarcasm, before descending into a fury fuelled by rage because they won't shut up and go away.

2007-02-27 21:28:27 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-27 21:14:58 · 12 answers · asked by EVA J 4

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

Puff! She's gone.

Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I Want those two back in the office after lunch."

2007-02-27 21:06:08 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-27 20:48:02 · 13 answers · asked by louise c 1

there is a pit of 1m deep,and bear falls down,it takes exactly 4.9 min to reach the floor of the pit.find the colour of the bear........
its a iim question

2007-02-27 20:09:25 · 16 answers · asked by parag p 1

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe, my friend, Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!"

The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing coke. So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!"

The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up. "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!"

The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the **** out of the little rabbit. The giraffe and elephant watch in horror, then finally obtain the presence of mind to pull the lion off the rabbit.

"Lion," they reprimand, "why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!"

The lion answers, "That little bastard has me running around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!"

2007-02-27 20:08:26 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf!" says Little Red Riding Hood.
The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away!

Further down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again-this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.

"My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf! " says Little Red Riding Hood.
Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away!

About two miles down the track, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.

"My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf!" taunts Little Red Riding Hood.
With that, the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams,
"Will you get lost? I'm trying to take a sh!t!"

2007-02-27 19:57:39 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Harry just moved into town and has to start at his new place of employment the next day.
He decides he needs a good shave, so that he will at least look admiral on his first day.
He goes to the barbour shop in town and while waiting for the barbour to apply all the cream to his face he mentions " It's really hard to get a real close shave these days"
The barbour replies, "I have just the answer", and pulls two marbles from his pocket - "Pop these in your jaws, one on each side"
The man does so and is pleased to find himself getting the closest shave he has ever gotten in his life.
But with a bit of concern and with a bit of disable speech he mumbble's "What if I accidently swollow the marbles?"
Barbour: "Not to worry, just bring them back tomorrow like everyne else"

2007-02-27 19:55:10 · 14 answers · asked by Juanita L 2

2007-02-27 19:49:32 · 11 answers · asked by Imran Syah 3

A blind man and his dog are walking down a street, they come to a busy intersection, & the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic takes off across the road with the blind man attached to the leash.
Cars are screeching tires and panicked drivers are blaring horns, desperately trying not to run the pair down.
The blind man & his dog finally reach the other side of sidewalk and the blind man pulls out a cookie from his coat pocket and offers it to the dog.
A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident can't control his amazement & says,
"Why would you wanna give your dog a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"

The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies,
"To find out where his head is, so I can kick him in the @ss."

2007-02-27 19:44:25 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

'Well' he explained' By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen'.

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English fool and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin. When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing.

'Well' he explained' By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen'.

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland fools and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously. When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing.

'Well' he explained,' by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying 'Dear Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure...'

2007-02-27 19:14:55 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two physicians board a flight out of Seattle. One sits in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a lawyer sits in the seat by the aisle.

The lawyer kicks off his shoes, wiggle his toes, and starts to settle in, when the physician in the window seat says, "I think I'll get a glass of coke."

"No problem," says the lawyer, "I'm by the aisle. I'll get it for you."

While he's gone, one of the physicians picks up the attorney's shoe & spits in it.

When he returns with the coke, the other physician says, "That looks good! I think I'll have one too."

Again, the lawyer obligingly fetches the drink.

While he's gone, the other physician picks up the other shoe & spits in it.

The lawyer comes back & enjoys the flight.

However, as the plane is landing, the lawyer slips his feet into his shoes& realizes immediately what has happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asks the physicians. "This fighting between our professions?”

“This hatred?”

“This animosity?”

“This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?”

2007-02-27 19:14:02 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-27 19:13:10 · 18 answers · asked by Tom Z. 1

A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he is being watched by a midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.

"Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"

Surprised and flattered, the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.

"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them?"

Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request.

The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says, "Okay, hand me your wallet or I'll jump off the ladder!"

2007-02-27 19:11:57 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

I come from the suburbs, rich people still ain’t happy
We all get home at odd hours with no time to talk
Pop the dinner in the microwave and let the TV fill the silence
Nothing to say to one another its like I don’t have a brother
Rapped up in our own problems forgotten the meaning of life
Gota get the BMW with the V8
They were never there, when I needed them
Daddy bought me the nicest glove money could by
But never taught me how to catch a pop fly
Standing alone in the yard
Trying to play catch by yourself is hard
Material goods have taken over the place in our hearts that used to be filled
By moms good cooking, a hug before bed and maybe a story
That’s the glory I missed
Shiny metal and big TV’s
Is more important than fixing the young’s scrapped knees
Where did we go wrong???

2007-02-27 19:06:18 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-27 18:42:33 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two cows were talking in the field. One cow says, "Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that''s going around?"
The other cow answers, "Yeah, makes you glad you''re a penguin, doesn''t it?"

2007-02-27 18:38:15 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

There once were two Irishmen, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends. During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend.

And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass.

Pat, hearing of his friend's illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time.

“Shawn,” said Pat, “can you hear me?”

Faintly, Shawn replied, “Yes, Paddy, I can.”

Bashfully, Pat started, “Do you remember our pact, Shawn?”

”Yes, I do Patty,” Shawn strained.

“And, you'll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now?” said Pat.

“Yes Patty, I do,” whispered Shawn.

''It's a very ‘old’ bottle now, you know,” urged Pat.

“And what are you gettin' at Pat?” asked Shawn, briskly.

“Well Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?”

2007-02-27 18:32:06 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous