Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

A man gets laid up and can't work. He tells his wife that she's going to have to be a hxxker to pay the bills. She is reluctant, but finally agrees. She gets up bright and early one morning, and comes home at about 2 a.m.

"Well", he says, "how did you do today?"

"Not too well", she says,"I only made Twenty-five dollars and twenty five cents..."

"WHAT?" he screams. "Who in the fxck gave you the twenty- five cents?"

"Why, all of them."

2007-02-01 04:28:31 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Blonde's First Time



A guy asks a young blonde woman he’s just slept with, “Am I the first guy you ever made love to?”

The blonde ashes out her cigarette and replies, “You might be. Your face looks familiar.”

2007-02-01 04:23:21 · 17 answers · asked by Tink 5

On their anniversary night, the husband sat his wife sat down in the den with her favourite magazine, turned on the soft reading lamp, slipped off her shoes, patted and propped her feet and announced that he was preparing dinner all by himself. "How romantic!" she thought.
Two-and-a-half hours later, she was still waiting for dinner to be served. She tip-toed to the kitchen and found it a colossal mess. Her harried blonde husband, removing something indescribable from the smoking oven, saw her in the doorway.
"Almost ready!" he vowed. "Sorry it took me so long -- I had to refill the pepper shaker."
"Why, honey, how long could that have taken you?"
"More'n an hour, I reckon. Wasn't easy stuffin' it through those dumb little holes."

2007-02-01 04:09:54 · 15 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

One summer afternoon, two blonde girls were talking to each other. One of the blonde's couldn't help but notice how pretty and beautiful the other's skin was. So she asked the other outright what made her skin so soft and beautiful.

"Well," said the other blonde, "once a week I fill a bathtub up with milk and just soak in it."

So the first blonde went to a farm and spoke to the farmer. "I'd like a lot of milk."

"How much do you want?" asked the farmer.

The blonde answered, "Well quite a lot because I'm going to soak in it."

The farmer asked, "Pasteurized?"

To which the blonde replied, "No - Just up to my t**s."

2007-02-01 04:03:23 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

as a trucker stops at a red light a blonde catches up jumps out of her

car runs up to his truck + knocks on the door ,hi my name is heather +

your loseingsome of your load , the trucker ignores her+proceeds down the road.

when the trucker stops for another red light , the girl catches up again jumps out of her

car runs up to his truck + knocks on the door ,hi my name is heather +

your loseing some of your load , the trucker ignores her+proceeds down the road.

at the third red light the same thing happen again all out of breath the blonde jumps out of her

car runs up to his truck + knocks on the door again says hi my name is heather +

your loseing some of your load ,, when the light turns green he revs up and races to the next light..

when he stops this timehe hurriedly gets out of his truck+runs back to the blonde. he knocks on her window + after she lowers it.

he say hi my my is cliff it's winter in oklahoma+im driving the SALT TRUCK

2007-02-01 03:59:28 · 9 answers · asked by David 6

O ne day, a woman was travelling home by bus when a man got in and sat down next to her. The woman noticed that the man was slightly the worse for drink.

"You are drunk!",said the woman in disgust.

"And you,madam,are very ugly!",the man replied unoffended.

The woman began to scold the man but he remained silent. At last, the bus reached a bus stop and the woman gathered up her luggage to go. As the bus drew away from the bus stop, the man leant out of the window and

shouted:

"At least by tomorrow I will be sober but you will still be ugly".

2007-02-01 03:55:03 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

How long will it take to dig half a hole?

2007-02-01 03:53:27 · 12 answers · asked by looby 6

tell me a word,,,which ends wid " gry "
there r only 3 words,,--
1)angry
2)hungry
3),,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,??

whats the 3rd word??

2007-02-01 03:41:04 · 5 answers · asked by gunkedar 2

Or jokes about school kids or new kids on the block.

2007-02-01 03:38:13 · 5 answers · asked by kennyd_2000 2

1. Float like a butterfly sting like a bee -

2. Mama says life is like a box of chocolates -

3. It's an island babe -

4. You strike me as the type of guy who's lookin' for -

2007-02-01 03:37:35 · 22 answers · asked by specs appeal 4

Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?

A: An air bag.


Q: What do you call it when a blonde gets taken over by a demon?

A: A vacant possession.

A young teenager comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thxngies?"

"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it.

"But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?




Q: How is a blonde like a frying pan?

A: You have to get them hxxted up before you put in the meat.

2007-02-01 03:23:21 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Stop laughing and reload.

2007-02-01 03:22:59 · 9 answers · asked by specs appeal 4

man1--quick,,call police,the number is "nine eleven"
man2--but there is no number as eleven,,there is only from 0 to 9,,
************************************
man1--where did u go??
man2--ur computer keyboard was weird,,i went and arranged its alphabets in order,,
************************************
man1--this is a race,,,20 people r running,,,and the winner will get the cup,,
man2--but if only the winner will get the cup,,why r others running?
**********************************************
man1--in which battle did king shivaji died?
man2--in his last one,,
***********************************************
man1--do a circle has any sides?
man2--yea,,,inside and outside,,
***********************************************
man1--i have a 3 leveled house,,
man2--even my house is at level 3,,
**********************************************
man1--when i was born,,the day was sunday,,
man2--dont lie,,sunday is a public holiday,,
******************************************

2007-02-01 03:16:57 · 12 answers · asked by gunkedar 2

One hungry bush?
One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to them and asks if she can take their order. Bush leans close to her and says, "Honey, can I have a quickie?"
The waitress is appalled and yells at the President about women's rights and storms away.
Cheney then says to Bush, "George, its pronounced 'quiche'."

2007-02-01 03:11:47 · 13 answers · asked by Tink 5

Back in the old Wild West, there were two blonde cowpokes, Jeff and Dave. One day, the two were enjoying a strong sarsaparilla in the local saloon, when a man walked into the bar with an Indian's head under his arm.
The barman shakes his hand and says, "I hate Indians; last week the bastards burnt my barn to the ground, assaulted my wife and killed my children." He then says, "If any man brings me the head of an Indian, I'll give him one thousand dollars."
The two blondes looked at each other and walked out of the bar to go hunting for an Indian. They were walking around for a while when suddenly they saw one; Jeff threw a rock which hit the Indian right on the head.
The Indian fell off his horse, but landed seventy feet down a ravine. The two nuts made their way down the ravine where Dave pulled out a knife to claim their trophy.
Suddenly, Jeff said, "Dave, take a look at this." Dave replied, "Not now, I'm busy."
Jeff tugged him on the shoulder and says, "I really think you should look at this."
Dave said, "Look, you can see I'm busy. There's a thousand dollars in my hand."
But Jeff was adamant. "Please, Dave, take a look at this."
So Dave looked up and saw that standing at the top of the ravine were five thousand red Indians.
Dave just shook his head and said, "Oh . . . my . . . God . . .. we're going to be millionaires!"

2007-02-01 03:09:27 · 11 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

The Dry Cleaners

A blonde goes into the dry cleaners to have her sweater cleaned. She asks the clerk, “How much?”
He doesn’t hear her correctly and says “Come again?”
She giggles and says “No...it’s just mustard this time.”

2007-02-01 03:05:18 · 26 answers · asked by Tink 5

Not sure if I posted as so many get removed!!

An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard: "woman without her man is nothing". The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

2007-02-01 03:00:15 · 24 answers · asked by Tink 5

Things In Football That Sound Dirty -- But Aren't?
20. The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.
19. He came at his blind side and got him from behind.
18. He's off to the sidelines for a quick blow.
17. It's a game of inches.
16. That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it.
15. When you get down in this area, you just gotta start pounding.
14. He's gonna feel that one tomorrow.
13. He found his tight end.
12. End around.
11. He had to stretch to get it in.
10. He gets penetration in the backfield.
9. He blows them off (at the line).
8. He bangs it in.
7. He could go all the way.
6. He gets it off just in time.
5. He goes deep.
4. He found a hole and slid through it.
3. He pounds it in.
2. He beats them off (the line)
1. He's got great hands.

2007-02-01 02:58:43 · 26 answers · asked by Tink 5

A wife was dreaming in the middle of the night and
suddenly shouts: "Up! Quick! My husband is back!" Man
gets up, jumps out of the window, hurts himself, and
then realizes: "Damn, I am the husband!" Who is guilty
in this situation?

2007-02-01 02:53:28 · 17 answers · asked by Blak Jesus 2

Answers on a postcard... lets see if anyone gets it

2007-02-01 02:50:10 · 3 answers · asked by authoritaaah84 2

John wanted to get into a secret club but didn't know how. He waits by the door for people to walk in. A man came. The bouncer said "twelve", the man said "six", and he was let in. John understood, but wanted to wait for one more person. A lady comes to the door. The bouncer says "six", the woman says "three", and she is let in. John understands and goes up to the door. The bouncer says "ten", John says "five" and he is wrong. What should he have said?

2007-02-01 02:47:14 · 10 answers · asked by JP484848 2

sorry about todays jokes boys/girl's the wife is nagging me about to many jokes being pointed at women she say's it is about time for the men to get some stick .
I WILL BE BACK TO MY MORMAL SELF WHEN SHE STOP'S NAGGING??????

2007-02-01 02:43:07 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

there was this man waiting for the public bus,a stranger comes by and the man asks him;I,m going towards the airport,which bus will take me there?the stranger answers bus number 15.the stranger leaves and comes back one hour later to see the man still waiting for the bus,so he saids to the man your still waiting for bus number 15?the man answers,yeah i,m still working on number 8,,,what do you think he meant?

2007-02-01 02:38:52 · 4 answers · asked by Baby Doll 3

He: Wanna have a quickie?

She: As opposed to what?

Losing a husband can be hard.

In my case, it was almost impossible.

It's not the length.

It's not the size.

It's how many times he can make it rise.

Do you realize 25% of all married men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house?

Of these same men 90% will kiss their house goodbye when their wife leaves.

A female computer consultant was helping a smug male set up his computer and asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with.

Wanting to embarrass the female, he told her to enter pxnis. Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password. She then almost died laughing at the computer's response...

PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH!!!

2007-02-01 02:31:19 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

hang up the phone

2007-02-01 02:29:48 · 7 answers · asked by hoehoe 1

The Interesting Side of Life


1. Coca-Cola was originally green.
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2. The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
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3.The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.
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4. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
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5. There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.
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6. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
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7. Women blink nearly twice as much as men!
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8. You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
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9. It is impossible to lick your elbow.
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10. People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze,your heart stops for a millisecond.
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11. It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
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12. The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.
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13. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.
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14. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents great king from history.
Spades - King David
Clubs - Alexander the Great,
Hearts - Charlemagne
Diamonds - Julius Caesar.
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15. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
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16. If a statue of a person in the park on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air,the person died as a result of wounds received in battle.
If the horse has a all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
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17 What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers all have in common?
Ans. - All invented by women.
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18. Question - This is the only food that doesn't spoil. What is this?
Ans. - Honey
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19. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
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20. A snail can sleep for three years.
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21. All polar bears are left handed.
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22. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
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23. Butterflies taste with their feet.
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24. Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
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25. In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
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26. On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
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27. Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'.
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28. Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
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29. The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
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30. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
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31. The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
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32. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants.
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33. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
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34. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
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35. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
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36. Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different
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37. And finally 99% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow
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2007-02-01 02:25:32 · 16 answers · asked by Tink 5

Here is a suggestion:

If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you on a plane or train ........

1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.

2. Remove your laptop.

3. Boot it.

4. Make sure the guy who won’t leave you alone can see the screen.

5. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky.

6. Then hit this link:

www.thecleverest.com/countdown.swf

2007-02-01 02:16:08 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three women who were friends in high school have returned to their hometown to attend their 45th reunion and have lunch together. Their talk turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.

The first woman says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.

The second woman says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.

The third woman says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions -- but 13 canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on my husband's erect pxnis."

2007-02-01 02:10:21 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

The seven kinds of passionate women:

The Optimist
- "Yes! Yes! Yes!"

The Pessimist
- "No! No! No!"

The Confused
- "Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! Yes! No! No!"

The Asthmatic
- written rendition of gasping

The Sprinter
- "Faster! Agh! Faster! Faster!"

The Religious
- "Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!

The Mathematician
- "More! More! More! More!

2007-02-01 02:07:18 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Any practical jokes that you will remember always? Or any that youve heard of?

2007-02-01 02:00:56 · 17 answers · asked by grassmonkeys 4