Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

having a good time, and she got to be going a little too fast. So soon she sees a police car behind her with its lights a flashin' and all. She pulls over and the nice policeman tells her she was go a to fast and writes her a ticket. Den da policeman asks
'can I take a look in yer car, Miss?' and Lena replies,
'Och, ya sure, youbetcha!' And she gets out and opens the trunk.
Out jump Ole und Sven, and dey is wearing trench coats, wid nothin' on underneath; they start opening and closin' dem trenchcoats really fast.
Puzzled, the policeman asks Lena,
"what were dem two guys doing in your trunk, and why are they opening and closing their coats like that?" And Lena replies,
"Och, ignore dem, dey're my emergency flashers"

2007-02-01 07:50:16 · 2 answers · asked by wholenote4 4

2007-02-01 07:45:33 · 8 answers · asked by Chris 5

2007-02-01 07:43:23 · 7 answers · asked by Jeff 2

A man came home from work and found his three
children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do
all day?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

2007-02-01 07:42:04 · 15 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

Why aren't there ever the same amount of Reds as there are Purple? Why do they keep the Yellow's even though few people like them? Why can't I get an entire bag of skittles that are the same color?

These are questions which have baffeled humankind for decades. Any and All help is appreciated.

2007-02-01 07:39:11 · 5 answers · asked by Anthony B 1

riddle!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-02-01 07:38:05 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

when they notice a cheetah eyeing them up. the first guy says to his mate 'what do we do' his mate dosent answer but crouches down and pits on a pair of running shoes on which he has just taken from his backpack. his mate says 'what are you doing?, youll never outrun a cheetah trainers or not.' his mate replies it dosent matter as long as i can outrun you!'

2007-02-01 07:37:25 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Do you all know of any other questions you can ask to mess with people. As in you say Smooth as ______ the other person states "Silk" you say what do cows drink - most of the time they say "Milk" - Wrong cows drink water...

2007-02-01 07:36:22 · 6 answers · asked by sooners83 4

Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side " When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers," he said. "I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on. When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large. "I told her, "of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will." Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem."
Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on. Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them.
"Exactly," replied Jack. "I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that".
Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. "Try these on," she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.
"I can't possibly get into your knickers," said Jack.
"Exactly," replied Jill. "And if you don't change your attitude, you never will."

2007-02-01 07:35:18 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

I'm white and fluffy i'm small but can stand tall....I'm hyper indeed and i love to run around trees..... What am I?

2007-02-01 07:35:14 · 5 answers · asked by I love my BmW 1

what is it about the people on this site.this category is JOKES AND RIDDLES. why are we gettting such wierd answers?THERE REALLY ARE SOME NUMBNUTS ON HERE.CHECK MY PROFILE AND SEE WHAT JOKES I HAVE PUT ON TONITE AND READ SOME OF THE ANSWERS wierdos man effin weirdos.

2007-02-01 07:30:29 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bob and his friend Joe went out hunting. This was Joe's first time hunting, so he was following Bob's lead. Bob saw a small herd of deer and told Joe to stay in the exact spot he was in and be quiet.

After a few minutes, Bob heard a loud scream. He ran back and asked Joe what had happened. Joe said, "There was this snake and he slithered across my feet, but I never screamed. Then there was this bear that came up to me and snarled, but I never screamed."

"So then what did make you scream?" Bob asked, exasperated.

"Well," Joe continued, "two squirrels crawled up my pants and I overheard them say, 'Should we take them home or eat 'em now?'"

2007-02-01 07:29:03 · 15 answers · asked by Jay A 3

you know like beating them, and not feeding them. Stuff like that.

2007-02-01 07:28:54 · 7 answers · asked by musclenbone 2

fill in the blanked word with something other than jumped the funniest responce wins the best answer... and GO!!!

2007-02-01 07:28:53 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man decides to become a chicken farmer and so he goes and buys 100 chickens, a week later he returns to buy 100 more saying all the other ones died, the following week he comes back for 100 more saying the last lot had died, when the seller asks how they all keep dying the man says it's ok now i think i was planting them too deep.

2007-02-01 07:28:30 · 9 answers · asked by Loo 4

Donkey and Chicken were friends,they were always seen walking around the farm, until one day poor donkey fell down a well.
Chicken ran to the farmyard borrowed the farmers BMW, drove it to the well, attached a rope to the bumper and pulled Donkey out.
Some time later while out walking Chicken fell down the well and shouted to Donkey,"quick get the BMW"
Donkey just lowered his P***k down the well, chicked grabbed hold and was pulled up.
Moral of the story
If you are hung like a donkey you don't need a BMW to pull A Chick!

2007-02-01 07:24:15 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

I want you…

I shall seek you and when I find you I shall take you to bed and have my way with you…

I’ll make you ache, shake and sweat till you moan and groan…

I’ll make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop…

I’ll exhaust you to the point that you’ll be relieved when I’m finished with you and I’ll make you weak for days…

All my love


THE FLU XXX

2007-02-01 07:23:25 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am a magician and was wondering if i should add this trick to my show. It is called the zig zag lady and you stand in a tall cabinet and i move yer middle out to the side

2007-02-01 07:20:36 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three things happen when you get old, first your memory goes then...um...er....um

2007-02-01 07:18:12 · 19 answers · asked by Loo 4

Im bored and would like some good jokes please

2007-02-01 07:16:06 · 8 answers · asked by nena 1

ok theres a grandpa and he took his grandson out fishing right?....

the grandpa pulls out a think of dip...
and the kid says to his gpa can i have some of that?...
grandpa says can you put the head of your D*ck in your @$s?...
he says no ...

later on the grandpa opens up a beer and the kid says grandpa?... can i have some of your beer? and he says no!...
hes like why? and hes like well now can you stikc the head of your D8ck in your a$s then kid says no...

about an hour later then kid pulls out some cookies.....
and the grandpa asks if he can have one....
the kid goes .....

grandpa.. can you stick the head of your D8ck in your As$??
he says why yes i can now give me a cookie....

the kid says to the grandpa... well good go F**k your self

grandma made these cookies for me!!!

2007-02-01 07:13:12 · 4 answers · asked by umm hahah 2

paddy went to a builders merchant and asked for 25,000 bricks.
the salesman says''what are you building?''
paddy says ''a bar-b q''
builder says ''eff me mate thats a lot of bricks for a bar b q ''
paddy says '' i live on the 19th floor of a tower block''

2007-02-01 07:11:25 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

2007-02-01 07:08:56 · 17 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

am i to hot for you.
tell me if this is funny.

2007-02-01 06:58:31 · 14 answers · asked by angel 1

2007-02-01 06:53:38 · 8 answers · asked by Daneille. 1

Jenny was married to a male chauvinist. They both worked full time, but he never did anything around the house and certainly not any housework. That, he declared, was woman's work!
But one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, a load of wash in the washing machine and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove and a beautifully set table, complete with flowers. She was astonished, and she immediately wanted to know what was going on.
It turned out that Charley, her husband, had read a magazine article that suggested working wives would be more romantically inclined if they weren't so tired from having to do all the housework, in addition to holding down a full-time job.
The next day, she couldn't wait to tell her girlfriends at the office. "How did it work out?" they asked.
"Well, it was a great dinner, Jenny said. "Charley even cleaned up, helped the kids with their homework, folded the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed my evening."
"But what about afterward?" her friends wanted to know.
"It didn't work out," Jenny said. "Charley was too tired."

2007-02-01 06:53:16 · 14 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

as from today pharmacys are asking people to call VIAGRA by its proper chemical name.
in case you do not know what this name is it is

MYCOXAPHLOPIN

2007-02-01 06:52:17 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

> The Miracle of Toilet Paper
>
> Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
>
> "If you want your breast to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
>
> Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and I stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I ask. "They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
>
> I stop and ask, "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?
> "Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
>
> He is still alive, and with a great deal of physical therapy, he may even walk again.
>
> Stupid, stupid man.

2007-02-01 06:49:04 · 22 answers · asked by Tink 5

2007-02-01 06:46:53 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

I have an idea for how to catch bin Laden, much like they catch elephants.

It's a little know fact that bin Laden likes fresh green peas.

I propose digging holes 15 feet deep in areas he is known to frequent and fill the holes with sand-colored ash. Then spread fresh green peas around the holes and lie in wait, camouflaged as mounds of sand.

When bin Laden stops to take a pea, sneak up from behind and kick him in the ash hole.

You think it might work?

2007-02-01 06:44:39 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous