Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

ive just been to the doctors,

he said,

"ive got some bad news for you, you have cancer"

he paused for a moment then followed up with

"and you have alzheimer's"

"well thank god for that" i replied "at leasti 've not got cancer"

2007-02-01 15:01:40 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Best humor gets the points. :]
Thank you.

2007-02-01 14:59:15 · 16 answers · asked by Loller C 1

A plane is flying at a constant speed in perfect conditions.
It travel for 1 hour 30mins North, 1 hour 30mins East, 1 hour 30mins South and then for only 90 mins West.

This flight form a square.

How is this possible?

2007-02-01 14:50:36 · 9 answers · asked by rowdy7802 3

2007-02-01 14:46:19 · 8 answers · asked by WHAT 5

a gypsey father decides its time for his son to go to school so he sends him to the local primary school

the son goes for the first day and when he gets home he is really excited

"dad dad" he shouts "we did maths today, and guess what, all the other kids could only cout to 3 or 4 but i got all the way up to 9"

Do you know why that is son" asks the father

"no dad whys that"

"thats cos your a gypsey son"

"thats good dad"

the next day the son comes home

"dad dad we did the alphabet today, all the other kids could only get to f or g but i got all the way to r"

"do you know why that is son"

"no dad why is that"

"thats because your a gypsey son"

"thats great dad"

on the third day the son comes home

"dad dad we did sport today, but i couldnt help noticing in the showers afterwards all the other kids had only got about 1 or 2 inches infront of them where as i had 6 infront of me"

"do you know why that is son?" asks the dad

the son replys "is it because im a gypsey dad?"

2007-02-01 14:38:22 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

little jonny goes back to school after the summer holidays and is in class when the teacher starts asking people what they dd in the holidays

jonny is asked first and says

"well miss, i went to the park and played in the sandpit"

"thats good" says the teacher "now jonny if you can spell sand ill give you a sweet"

jonny goes "s - a - n urmmmm d miss"

"well done jonny, heres a sweetie" says the teacher

next mary answers

"miss i went to the park too and i saw jonny playing in the sand pit so i started playing in there with him!

"thats good mary" says the teacher "if you can spell pit ill give you a sweet"

"p - i - t" says mary

"well done heres a sweetie" the teacher replies

next prakesh answers

"miss i went to the park also and saw jonny and mary playing in the sand pit, but they wouldnt let me play with them"

"thats awful" reples the teacher "that sounds like racial discrimination, now if you can spell discrimination ill give you a sweetie"

2007-02-01 14:24:49 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

there are 3 wolves and 3 sheep on one side of a river. how can they all move to the other side on a boat that only carries two at a time without the wolves out numbering the sheep? the wolves do not eat the sheep or nothing funny like that. please help

2007-02-01 14:18:58 · 26 answers · asked by HARLEM 2

2007-02-01 14:17:22 · 5 answers · asked by claude s 1

ho knows some ways I can get out of school? sure fire ways. That I can do using common household items, thanks!!!!

(if your wondering, its 'cause I didn't do a big project)

2007-02-01 14:16:43 · 16 answers · asked by spy_master49 2

Two doctors meet at a bar during a major medical conference, one male and one female. They both talk and one thing leads to another and both doctors were in a hotel room. Before undressing the female doctor washed her hands, after sex with the male doctor she washed her hands again. The Male doctor says "Let me guess, you’re a surgeon." The female doctors asks "How’d you know?" The guy goes "You keep washing your hands." The female doctor replies, "You must be an anaesthesiologist." The guy doc asks "Howd’s you know?" The lady replies, "Because I didn’t feel a thing."

2007-02-01 14:15:09 · 16 answers · asked by stone 4

AAA
BBB
CCC
DDD
EEE
FFF
GGG
HHH
III
JJJ
KKK
LLL
MMM
NNN
OOO
PPP
QQQ
RRR
SSS
TTT
UUU
VVV
WWW
XXX
YYY
ZZZ

2007-02-01 14:08:49 · 14 answers · asked by STrawberry 3

Do youll know the song thrown some D'S on it?they had this boy in my class got all F's on his report card he gave it to my teacher she said what u want me to do about it and he said throw some D's on that.

2007-02-01 13:54:18 · 8 answers · asked by Kate 1

Once there was a girl from Nantucket _________________

2007-02-01 13:51:09 · 16 answers · asked by Al M 1

Find the error?
whats wrong here?
Find the error. It's impossible!

AAA
BBB
CCC
DDD
EEE
FFF
GGG
HHH
III
JJJ
KKK
LLL
MMM
NNN
OOO
PPP
QQQ
RRR
SSS
TTT
UUU
VVV
WWW
XXX
YYY
ZZZ

Did you know that 80% of UCSD students could not find the error above? Repost this with the title "what's wrong here", and when you click "post bulletin", the answer will be really obvious

2007-02-01 13:51:01 · 13 answers · asked by emilymelissa89 1

But yet the moment you do anything childish or immature they tell you to grow up.

2007-02-01 13:43:53 · 9 answers · asked by tRaCi3 4

WATER...... It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter Of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more Than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces, in other words, We are consuming 1 kilo of poxp!

However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, Vodka, beer or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a Distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

It is better to drink wine and talk sh*t than to drink water and be full Of sh*t.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information, I am doing this as a public service.

Men fantasize about being in bed with two women.

Women fantasize about it too because at least they'll have someone to talk to when he falls alseep.
At Sunday school, the teacher asked little Johnny, "Do you know where little boys and girls go when they do bad things?"

"Sure," little Johnny replied. "They go out in back of the church yard."

2007-02-01 13:43:34 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

A baby seal walks into a club.......LOL

2007-02-01 13:40:50 · 3 answers · asked by jenjadekim 2

Not just lame jokes -- groaners that you just can't help to laugh at. I need a few really good ones for a school project. Constraints: 1. school appropriate 2. short, two sentences at longest, 3. no making fun of religion, politics. I have only two examples of what I'm looking for: Why does Santa tend a garden? So he can ho, ho, ho! Why couldn't the kid get into the pirate movie? Because it was rated "Arrh"!

2007-02-01 13:40:38 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

ok so a 10 year old boy was being baptized in the water and the preist said " did u see the lord?" the boy said " no" and the preist dipped him back in the water and said " did u see the lord?" and the boy said " no" and then the preist dips him back in the water and says " did you see the lord?" and the boy said" No. Are you sure this is where he fell in?" Is this funny?

2007-02-01 13:38:16 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first.

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God."

The teacher praises the little girl as a little boy raises his hand. He says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love."

"Very good," said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. "Oh no," she thought, "I'm not gonna like this. Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?"

Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet."

The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first.

He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, 'Oh God, I'm cxming!'"

2007-02-01 13:36:54 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A womans mother just died and at the funneral she see's the man of her dreams. Two weeks later she kills her sister. Why???

2007-02-01 13:35:38 · 26 answers · asked by Goober 4

This guy takes his wife deer hunting with him and they both go up into his treestand. Hours go by and not a deer in sight. Finally he says to his wife " Well baby, I guess theres no deer around today, why don't we have sex instead?" Wife says " Sure honey, I'm game! " So he shot her!

2007-02-01 13:35:33 · 3 answers · asked by charlie_the_carpenter 5

I am playing a joke on my married sister. I am sending a card with to her for Valentine's Day. I really don't like my brother-in-law. I know this would drive him crazy and i know he would spead it all over town. They live in a small town, so news spreads quickly. I need something like 1 or 2 lines to put in the card but i have a problem coming up with something to put in the card.
Does anyone have any other suggestions as what i could use other then this?
By the way. I only have until tomorrow afternoon to come up with something. The only thing that is required is that it needs to sound romantic.
The only thing i can think of is.
You are as beautiful as the hawaiian sun rising in the morning.

2007-02-01 13:32:24 · 3 answers · asked by Stormhaley of Steelers 4

2007-02-01 13:31:57 · 14 answers · asked by pinksurfer121 1

The day before Thanksgiving this little boy heard his mom and dad fighting. The husband said to his wife, "You stupid bxtch, you have floppy txts."

She wasn't about to be outdone and said, "Well you have a crooked dxck, you bxstxrd."

Well, the little boy heard every word they said. After they got done fighting, he went up to the mom and asked her what bxtches and bxstxrds were.

She told him that they were people. Then he asked what crooked dxcks and floppy txts were. She told him that they were coats and hats. The little boy accepted both answers and went on his way.

The next day, they were getting ready for a huge feast with friends and family. The little boy went up stairs where his dad was shaving. The dad cut himself and said "Shxt!" Well once again, the boy started asking questions and asked what 'shxt' was. The father told him that it was "shaving cream".

2007-02-01 13:30:06 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

The teacher was checking her student roster on the first day of school and saw that she was missing three boys and one girl.

After a couple of minutes went by, a boy named John walked in and the teacher asked where he was.

He said, "Shree Hill."

Then another student, named Bill, walked in and the teacher asked where he was. He also said, "Shree Hill."

Then the third boy, Shawn, walked in and the teacher asked him where he had been. And he said, "On txp of Shree Hill."

Then, a girl walked in and the teacher asked, "Who are you?" And she said, "Shree Hill."

A man with a wooden leg wanted to buy fire insurance for his leg. The first actuary quoted an annual premium of $500, estimating that the leg would burn once in 20 years and the value of the leg is $10,000.

The second actuary quoted an annual premium of $50. When the second actuary was asked how he arrived at such a small figure, he replied, "This situation is right here in the fire schedule rating table.

The object is a wooden structure with an upper sprinkler, isn't it?"

2007-02-01 13:25:46 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

If your Boyfriend/ Girlfriend went away.... not to prison. for two years would you wait? or move on

2007-02-01 13:16:12 · 12 answers · asked by Jake 1

After 2 years of selfless service, a man realized that he has not been promoted, no transfer, no salary increment, no commendation. So he decided to walk up to his HR Manager. His manager looked at him, smiled and asked him to sit down saying:

"My friend you have not worked here for even a single day." The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to explain.

Manager: How many days are there in a year?

Man: 365 days and sometimes 366.

Manager: How many hours make up a day?

Man: 24 Hours.

Manager: How long do u work in a day?

Man: 10am to 6pm i.e 8 hours a day.

Manager: So, what fraction of the day do u work in hours?

Man: He did some arithmetic and said 8/24 i.e 1/3 (one third).

Manager: This is nice of u! what is 1/3rd of 366 days?

Man: 122(1/3 x 366=122 in days)

Manager: Do u come to work on weekends?

Man: No sir.

Manager: How many days r there in a year that r weekends?

2007-02-01 13:13:32 · 5 answers · asked by ||| Romeo Boy ||| 4

2007-02-01 13:11:39 · 18 answers · asked by Jake 1

2007-02-01 13:09:01 · 19 answers · asked by Toilet 2