Jokes & Riddles - April 2007

it starts wiv a and ends with an a

2007-04-30 23:06:59 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

A bunch Of Bananas had 12 Bananas 11 men passed by, each took one. How many bananas are left?

2007-04-30 22:54:36 · 11 answers · asked by VIBHA V 1

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?


Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.


Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?


Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.


Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?


Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.


Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?


Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.


Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?


Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.


Defense Attorney:
Why not?


Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.


Defense Attorney:
What happened next?


Little Old Lady:
He began rub my breasts.


Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?


Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.


Defense Attorney:
Why not?


Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!


Defense Attorney:
What happened next?


Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him
"Take me, young man. Take me now!"


Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?


Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

2007-04-30 22:41:20 · 13 answers · asked by dididdleydihi 3

what sound joke or just something funny is it that make you grin the most???

2007-04-30 22:12:53 · 13 answers · asked by superniort 1

The maker does not want me
The buyer does not use me
The user does not see me....

Wat am I?

2007-04-30 22:04:40 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-04-30 21:56:57 · 17 answers · asked by fletchfredarnie 4

2007-04-30 21:36:10 · 21 answers · asked by fletchfredarnie 4

me and my friend are stoners now were both young 14 we get stoned on his roof and one day we see his dorky neighbors have a grow room filled with 50 bud plants. so we plot to steal them and we have 1 week to take them be for they finish growing because by then the Dickmens( neighbors) will already smoke it.

2007-04-30 19:44:29 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

An elderly lady goes into the doctor and tells him - "Doctor, I don't know what the problem is, but I've been far ting all the time. It's not really a problem socially because they don't make any noise and don't smell. I just can't stop far ting all the time. In fact while I've been in here I must have farted at least 20 times."

The doctor nods and gives her some pills. "Here take these for two weeks and come see me again when you are done."

So she takes the pills and returns two weeks later as instructed. Infuriated, she confronted the doctor. "What kind of medicine is this? I'm still far ting just as much? They still don't make any noise, but now they stink terribly!"

The doctor nodded, "It's alright, now that we have your sinus' cleared up, we'll work on your hearing next!"

2007-04-30 19:21:56 · 8 answers · asked by Conan 2

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"

2007-04-30 18:43:50 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant.
So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day.
The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.
Doctor: What was the problem?
Elderly man: Well...I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing.
Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

2007-04-30 18:37:59 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

2 Horses were siting @ a bar discussing Their day at the race track. The first horse said, `the strangest thing happened to me right before the starting gates opened today.'
`Really? What was it?',said the second horse.
`Well, when the gates opened, a very strong electric shock went through my hind quarters. Scarred the hell out of me! However I ran the fastest race I've ran & won the race!'
horse2 `Congradulations! But now that you mentioned it, the same thing happened to me Last week. I also won the race.'
Well a dog, sitting a couple of stools over Jumps in and states, `That is soooo strange! I've had a simmalar Expierence @ the dograces myself,I did!...Big shock...Gates open.... dammed if I did'nt set a track record.!'
The 2 horses looked @ each other and said, simaltaniously, "look @ that! A talking DOG!"

2007-04-30 18:28:40 · 21 answers · asked by cowlynz 4

2007-04-30 17:30:25 · 8 answers · asked by tanlaask 3

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(OMG)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(don't do this at home. maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the...?!")

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too)

haha

2007-04-30 17:04:04 · 35 answers · asked by Zzz 3

In the Bradenton Fl phone book their is a man named "Gooey Tarballs"....what is the most outrageous name you've heard of..or know?!

2007-04-30 16:56:53 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

why do write things down and type things up?,why do we put round pizzas in square boxes?,Why is it said that an alarm clock is going off when really its coming on?,Why when people ask you "what three things would you bring with you on a desert island?" no one ever replies, "A BOAT"?

2007-04-30 15:57:58 · 6 answers · asked by DaKidWonder 2

2007-04-30 14:27:18 · 11 answers · asked by ? 1

James and his wife were working in their garden one day when James looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean, really big! I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!" His wife chose to ignore him.
Later that night in bed, James is feeling a little frisky.
He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
"What's wrong?" he asks.....

She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-*** grill for one little weenie?"

2007-04-30 14:24:58 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple just got married, and when the husband went back to his house he found that his bride had disappeared. He got very worrried and gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success. Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find her in the kitchen. He asked her what she has been up to and why she hasn't been home for so long.

She replied...
"These four men kidnapped me and had wild s*x with me for a week."

The husband answered...
"But it's only been two days,what do you mean a week?"

"I am only here to get something to eat."

2007-04-30 14:20:21 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three men; a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don`t know or cannot answer, then you`re worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you`ll come with me to Hell."
The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates` teachings,"
With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct.
"Then, go to Hell!"
With another snap of his finger, the philsopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!"
With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct.
"Then, go to Hell!"
With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!"
The Devil brought forward a chair.
"Drill 7 holes on the seat."
The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"
The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."
"Wrong," said the idiot, "it`s from my asshole." And the idiot went to Heaven...

2007-04-30 14:14:46 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

ok. One night this kids dad walks into the kids room and sees him praying. The father thinks its good that he's praying until he hears the prayer. The child prays ' God, please make mommy and daddy and grandma alright. ta ta grandpa!' the father hears this and he blows it off as a joke. the next morning he wakes up and sees the grandfather died of a stroke. That night he heard his son praying again. 'God please make mommy and daddy safe. ta ta grandma. and surly enough the next morning the grandma dies of a heart attack. That night the father heard his son praying again. 'God, please make mommy alright. ta ta daddy. Now the dad gets really freaked out (for obvious reasons) the next day he wakes up early and goest to the doctor. the doctor says he as fit as a horse and nothings wrong with him. when he comes back home his wife rushes to him saying 'Thank goodness your home honey! the milkman just died!

2007-04-30 14:12:08 · 20 answers · asked by The dude 2

MK walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink &while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. Monkey grabs some olives off the bar&eats them,then grabs some sliced limes&eats them,then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls,sticks it in his mouth&to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at MK "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
MK says "No,what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"
"Yeah that doesn't surprise me,"replied Mk,"he eats everything in sight, the little bas**rd.Sorry I'll pay for the cue ball&stuff."
He finishes his drink pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate then leaves.
2wks later he's in the bar again&has his monkey with him.He orders a drink&the monkey starts running around the bar again.When MK is finishing his drink the monkey finds a cherry on the bar.He grabs it,sticks it up his butt,pulls it out&eats it.
The bartender is disgusted....

2007-04-30 13:59:09 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

I know there is a reason why they call them smarties! THERE HAS TO BE. The government just loves to hide things from us. I have eaten smarties for 3 weeks and all of a sudden I know how to do Calculus!

Is this normal? Are the smarties doing this to me?

2007-04-30 13:49:26 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Case #5150 at the local courthouse in Zzyxx, California is in a stalemate. The jurors can't decide if it should be legal or illegal for a man to marry his widow's sister. What do you think?

2007-04-30 13:48:15 · 23 answers · asked by RSM JC 2

James walked into the pub with a dog.
"I'm sorry, sir, no dogs allowed in here."
"Yes, but he's a really intelligent dog, ask him to do anything and he will."
"OK," said the barman. "Tell him to go and get me a newspaper."
James hands the dog £5 and off he goes. Two hours go by and there's still no sign of the dog, so the anxious owner goes looking for him. After roaming the streets, shouting his name, he eventualy finds him in a back alley with a 'bit*h' doing the business.
"What's all this about?" asked James, the owner. "You've never done this before."
"No, but I've never had so much money before," replied the dog.

2007-04-30 13:46:31 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man goes into a bar and asks for a pint of bitter. Bob, the barman serves him and the customer drinks it very quickly and then says, "Do you have any brown ale?"
"Of course, sir." And he's served the drink.
A little later the man again asks, "Do you have any lager?"
"Of course, sir. That's what pubs are for."
And a little later still he asks. "Have you got any stout?"
"Naturally," replies the Bob, the barman.
Bob is pestered all night by these ridiculous questions until finally his temper snaps.
"Sir, this is a pub. We have everything you could wish for - dark ales, light ales, ciders, Guinness, four kinds of beers, bottled drinks, red wine, white wine....so please, enough of these stupid questions!"
A moment goes by before the man asks again, "Do you have shorts?"
"Look **** face, I've just said we have everything, so YES, we have shorts."
"Thank goodness for that," replied the man. "I'll have a pair in a large size, 'cos I've just pis*ed myself."

2007-04-30 13:40:46 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-04-30 13:38:56 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

forrest gump died and went to heaven when he got to the gates to enter st. peter was there and he told forrest that since heaven is getting so crowded forrest had to answer three questions to enter so forrest asked what are the questions?
st peter said ok first question
name the two days of the week that start with the letter T
second question
how many seconds are in a year
third question
what is God's first name
st. peter said ok forrest you have untill tomorow to answer so meet me here at the gates to answer them
so the next day forrest came to the gates and went over to st. peter
st. peter said ok forrest what is the answer to the first question which said name the two days of the week that begin with the letter T
forrest said well that one was a little hard but i think i finally figured it out
tomorow and today
st. peter said okay i guess i never really thought about that
so how many seconds are in a year
forest said 12 jan. 2 feb. 2 march 2. etc.

2007-04-30 13:35:31 · 5 answers · asked by soccerchic 2

>FRIENDS: Never ask for food.
>SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Always bring the food.
>FRIENDS: Will say "hello".
>SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will give you a big hug and a kiss.
>FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.
>SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Call your parents Mom and Dad
>FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
>SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Cry with you.
>FRIENDS: Will eat at your dinner table and leave.
>SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing, and just being together.
>FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.
>SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.
>FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing.
>SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds' back-ends that left you.
>FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.
>SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, "I'm home!"
>FRIENDS: Are for a while.
>SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Are for life.

Life is short - dance naked and wiggle your butt!!!

2007-04-30 13:26:32 · 12 answers · asked by happy_southernlady 6

what did the nose say to the kleenex?

"want a bl0w job?"

har har har!

2007-04-30 13:21:02 · 5 answers · asked by ? 3