Jokes & Riddles - April 2007

One day the housework challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the utility room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, " University of Milton Keynes ."

And they say blondes are dumb!!

2007-04-29 07:59:35 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mexican Oysters
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico .
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order."

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si,Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.

2007-04-29 07:55:10 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

I want to die like my grandfather, peacefully in his sleep.







Not screaming like the passengers in his car....

2007-04-29 07:52:44 · 4 answers · asked by TheJesterTwist 4

what are some things you would buy with a box of condoms to freak out the guy at the checkstand

2007-04-29 07:28:04 · 12 answers · asked by someguyacrosstown 6

Things Not to Say to Parents

10. "Sorry I'm a little late. I had to stop by the drugstore."
9. "Show me how you used to spank her."
8. "Please come inside? Wow, you sound just like your daughter."
7. "Do you think she would put out if I told her that I loved her?"
6. "I just got my license today."
5. "I believe being sexually active since I was 12 has helped me mature."
4. "Five bucks says she's a D-cup."
3. "Hey do you have an empty pop can and some matches?"
2. "Hi. I'm Robert, but my friends call me 'Back Door Bob.'"
1. "So, does your wife just lie there during sex too?

2007-04-29 07:24:10 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are in a breast stroke race. The starter’s gun goes off and the three girls dive into the pool. The brunette and the redhead shoot across the pool and get out; 20 minutes later the blonde reaches the end and gets out. The judge says, “The gold medal goes to the brunette, the silver medal goes to the redhead, and the bronze goes to the blonde”. The blonde says, “I don’t want to be a sore loser, but I think the other girls were using their arms.”

2007-04-29 07:14:27 · 8 answers · asked by Gsplan 6

There once was a man, that had a wife, that he was just SURE was having an affair. So, one day, he left work early to come home and find his wife naked in the bed and a man, hanging by his fingertips on the side of a balcony. He grabbed a golf-club and began smashing his fingers and the man fell .. but his fall was broken by a shrub and he was still alive. The man looks down and sees this and manages to take his medium sized refrigerator and tilt it over and drop it on top of him, killing him...

(Break to Heaven and St. Peter and a Man) Saint Peter asks "So tell me, how did you arrive with us today?" The man said, well you'll never belief this, but I was exercising on my balcony and the backed into the rail and it was broken so I slipped... but miraculously.. I managed to grab the edge of the balcony floor below me.. and survived. Then this MANIAC came and smash my fingers and I fell into a shrub. AMAZINGLY I survived... but...

2007-04-29 07:11:23 · 12 answers · asked by suesysgoddess 6

Three married men died and went to heaven. At the pearly gates, St. Peter asked each one of them, how many times they have cheated their wives.

First Man: Never!

St. Peter checked his book and gave him a Rolls-Royce to drive during his stay in heaven.

Second Man: Aah, about 25-30 times.

St. Peter gave him a Ford Pinto.

Third Man: Maybe, 400-500 times.

St. Peter gave him a bicycle.

A few months later, the three met up . The Pinto driver and the bicycle rider were surprised as they noticed the Rolls-Royce man was very sad.

Second and Third Men: Why the sad face?

First Man: I just saw my wife, she was on a skateboard!

2007-04-29 07:06:12 · 22 answers · asked by Gsplan 6

A husband, so proud of the fact that his wife had given birth to 6 children, begins to call her "mother of six" rather than by her first name. The wife, amused at first, chuckles.

A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of her husband's description. "Mother of six," he would say, "Get me a beer!" "Hey mother of six, what's for dinner tonight?" This type of situation persisted to a boiling point.

Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly yelled out, "Hey mother of six, I think it's time to go!"

The wife seized the moment and shouted back, "I'll be right with you - father of four!"

2007-04-29 07:03:56 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

An elderly man, 82, just returned from the doctor's only to find he didn't have long to live. So he summoned the three most important people in his life to tell them of his fate.

1.His Doctor
2.His Priest
3.His Lawyer

"Well, today I found out I don't have long to live. So I have summoned you three here, because you are the most important people in my life, and I need to ask a favor. Today, I am going to give each of you an envelope with $50,000 dollars inside. When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money into my grave."

After the man passed on, the 3 people happened to run into each other. The doctor said, "I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of his money, he owed me on lots of medical bills. But, I threw the other $40,000 in like he requested."

The priest said, "I have to admit also, I kept $25,000 dollars for the
church. It's all going to a good cause. I did, however, throw the other $25,000 in the grave."

Well, the lawyer just couldn't believe what he was hearing! "I am surprised at you two taking advantage of him like that. I wrote a check for the full amount and threw it all in!"

2007-04-29 07:02:41 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

This little Mexican guy goes into a bar, takes off his hat, and shyly asks, "Senors... um.. who is it that owns the big Rottweiler tied up out front?".
A huge black man steps away from the bar and says "That's MY Rottweiler. What do you want?"
The little Mexican guy shyly looks at the ground and says, "um sorry senor, but it's my Chihuahua. Ee's killin you dog."
The black man bursts out laughing. "My huge Rottweiler is being killed by a little Chihuahua?, he asks.
"uh, si senor, your dog... Ees choking on him"

2007-04-29 06:44:31 · 23 answers · asked by SumUnknown 3

One Sunday morning a little girl in her Sunday best was running so she wouldn't be late for church.

As she ran she kept praying, "Dear God, please don't let me be late to church.
Please don't let me be late to church...."
As she was running she tripped and fell.

When she got back up she began praying again...

"Please, God don't let me be late to church -- but don't shove me either!

2007-04-29 06:38:35 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A passenger in a cab tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped inches from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said "Look mister, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much.

The driver replied: "You're right. I'm sorry! It's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years".

2007-04-29 06:36:20 · 17 answers · asked by Gsplan 6

John said, "I love working on a sales commission. Yesterday, I had a Giraffe come in to the store, and I sold him _________"

2007-04-29 06:02:10 · 44 answers · asked by SumUnknown 3

A psychotherapist was having a roaring business since he started from scratch. So much so that he could now afford to have a proper shop banner advertising his wares. So he told a kid to paint the sign board for him & put it above his shop entrance.

But, instead of his business building up, it began to slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided to check it out himself. Then he understood why! The boy found a small wooden board so he had split the word into the 3 words :

Psycho-
the-
rapist.

2007-04-29 05:45:53 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

It's one of life's mysteries - how a 2Ib box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5lbs.

Another of life's mysteries is when a woman hangs something in her wardrobe for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

2007-04-29 05:41:10 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-04-29 05:24:33 · 20 answers · asked by tod m 2

A blond and two of her smart red head friends ask stuck on an island. A Jeanie appears and says you each get one wish. The 1st red head says I wish I was home. The 2nd red head says I also wish I was home. They both get their wish and go home. The blond thinks for a little bit then says I wish my friends were with me.

2007-04-29 05:16:12 · 20 answers · asked by X_x dead 3

a woman was on holiday up in the woods near a lake, the woman decides to go and read her book in the boat on the lake. So off she goes, while sitting in the boat a another boat appoaches with the ranger in it, when he pulls up next to her he says
" im sorry madame but im afraid im going to have to give you a fine"

shocked the woman replies why im not doing anything but sitting here reading my book

to which the ranger replies yes but you have fishing eqipment in your boat and you are not allowed to fish here

to which the woman protest that she hasn't been and has no intention of doing any fishing

again the ranger argues but i dont know that do i

so the woman sits for a minute then replies well in that case im going to report for sexual assult

at this the ranger starts to say but thats not true i never touched you
and the woman replies yes but you have the equipment to and i dont know that your not going to do i

with that the ranger says have a day and sails away

2007-04-29 05:03:21 · 20 answers · asked by ceaskew25 3

> Actual writings taken from hospital charts:
> 1. The patient refused autopsy.
> 2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
> 3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
> 4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
> very hot in bed last night.
> 5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
> 6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it
> disappeared.
> 7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
> depressed.
> 8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
> 9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
> 10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but
> forgetful.
> 11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
> 12. She is numb from her toes down.
> 13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
> 14. The skin was moist and dry.

(continued....)

2007-04-29 04:47:40 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

it's hot and he is wipeing the sweat off his forehead and remarks to the gatekeeper,"boy heaven is a lot like Texas" the gate keeper says"son...this ain't heaven"

2007-04-29 04:08:21 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!". Billy says, "Ok mommy." and goes to sleep. The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams "MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true!", the mom answered, "I know - April Fools!"

2007-04-29 03:45:47 · 21 answers · asked by Gsplan 6

Adolph Hitler was conducting a General Staff meeting, when somebody sneezed. “Who was that!?” shouted Hitler, whirling around from a wall map of Europe. Nobody said anything.

“I see, ”he said, “I will have 10 of you shot. And maybe then you will tell me who sneezed?” A Gestapo agent took 10 people out of the room. Shots were heard, then silence.

“I will ask again, “yelled Hitler, “who sneezed?’” Again, no body said anything. “Very vell, ”he said, “I will have another 10 of you shot!”.

The Gestapo agent escorted 10 more people out of the room and executed them. “For the very last time, “screamed Hitler, “Who sneezed?”

Finally the guilty officer could stand no more. He stood up and said, ”It was me, I am the one who sneezed.”

Hitler slowly approached the shaking officer and said. ”Bless you.”

2007-04-29 03:43:34 · 11 answers · asked by Madrid10 2

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."

He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."

2007-04-29 02:29:59 · 4 answers · asked by Classy Lady 2

A cowboy comes to town on friday and he stays 2 days then he leaves town on friday How?

2007-04-29 02:11:05 · 14 answers · asked by MMM 2

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

2007-04-29 02:01:48 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have s£x all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies

"F**k me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"

2007-04-29 01:54:09 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

to get smashed" ! "you should worry I'm being fried and eaten", up speaks a cucumber "you should see where I'm going" . Any clues out there ?

2007-04-29 01:13:27 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

1.
Mike Peters was surprised to see his window slide open and was positively shocked when he saw two strangers climb inside. What transpired next could only be described as a despicable act of thievery. Mike watched with rapt fascination as the two thieves systematically began to remove the priceless Persian carpets, artwork, and jewelry. Having stripped the room, the thieves climbed back out the window. Incredibly, Mike went back to what he had been doing before the thieves arrived and soon he'd forgotten about the entire incident. Why wouldn't Mike, who was in perfect health, have tried to stop the thieves or at the very least call the police after they had left?


2.
Texas Tom is looking for a cottage set on a beautiful waterfront property. The realtor suggests a new development on the Moscow Sea. He says that the only problem with the property is that it's a little tough to get to right now. But the transportation in the future will make that much easier. What should Tom know?

2007-04-29 00:37:39 · 10 answers · asked by danni_elle 4

make up ur own answers. its worth two points, and ten to the best answer.

2007-04-28 22:37:58 · 25 answers · asked by surfer_ade_uk 2