Jokes & Riddles - April 2007

A woman is at a funeral where she meets a guy. She really falls for this guy and thinks they have great chemistry. After the funeral is over she's really sad cuz she didn't get his number. The next week, she kills her sister.. why?
if you answer correctly, then you have the mind of serial killer. first person to answer correctly will get best answer.

2007-04-30 06:55:18 · 22 answers · asked by Dance All Day Dance All Night 2

A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular trip he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said: "You rest here while I register - I'll be back within an hour."

The wife lies down on the bed... just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager (naturally) is sceptical but the wife insists the story is true.

"Look,... lie here on the bed - you'll be thrown right to the floor!"

So he lies down next to the wife... Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here?"

The manager replies: "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"

2007-04-30 06:46:12 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

2007-04-30 06:45:05 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a B**ch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

(p;s - a star.for a smile)

2007-04-30 06:43:52 · 22 answers · asked by Madrid10 2

2007-04-30 06:31:44 · 23 answers · asked by Nicky F 1

1.) One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.


**************************************************
2.) A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

**************************************************

2007-04-30 06:30:23 · 25 answers · asked by jules 3

2007-04-30 06:30:06 · 10 answers · asked by Nicky F 1

2007-04-30 06:16:51 · 11 answers · asked by Tyronne Biggums 2

A man is walking in the woods and spots a large grizzly bear taking a crap..he slowly starts to back up as the bear notices him and growls..he then gets scared and starts to run, the bear still crapping does not start to chase him..
the man after running for a minute or two stops, he then thinks to himself..why was this bear sh****g in the woods?
not a second later he looks up and see's the bear running towards him..he runs, the bears runs..he pauses lays down and plays dead.
the bear approaches and sniffs the man, the man looks up at the bear and asks.."mr bear why do you s*** in the woods"..
and the bear bites off his nose..
the man thinks he is gonna be killed!!
then suddenly the bear walks away..
the man with his nose missing grabs his shirt to stop the blood, and looks into the woods to see a wolf comming, then the bear see's the wolf and goes after the wolf..
the man thinks wow that was a close one..
he thanks the bear for helping him out of the situation his nose hurts.

2007-04-30 06:07:28 · 11 answers · asked by bagel lover 3

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had 'fallen.'
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe old age.
A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
"Mayor, you have to do something about the pavements in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don't know what you're laughing about, those curb-stones must be a death-trap, your wife has fallen three times this week"!!

2007-04-30 06:02:23 · 37 answers · asked by kelly 3

A woman was pregnant with triplets. One day she decided to go for a walk, when she was shot in the stomach.
The Dr. said the children would be fine but they would each have a bullet inside them.
Sixteen years later, one of her girls came down and said that when she had a poo, she found a bullet, so the mum explained the story.
A bit later, her 2nd daughter came down and said when she went for a pee, she found a bullet, so for the second time the mother explained the story.
All of a sudden her son came down in a right state. His mum turned around and said "Don't tell me you went to toilet and found a bullet".
He then turned back and said "No, I was having a w*** and I accidently shot the dog!"

2007-04-30 05:57:28 · 37 answers · asked by kelly 3

and a turd comes floating by. the turd says, "come on in guys, the waters great!" one banana looks at the other one and says, "you believe that ****?"

2007-04-30 05:34:45 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

2007-04-30 05:27:27 · 16 answers · asked by witty 2

An elderly couple is sitting in church. The woman says to her husband, "I just let out a silent fart. What should I do?" The man turns to her and says, "Well, you can start by changing the battery in your hearing aid."

2007-04-30 05:03:07 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young farm couple, Homer and Daisy, got married and just couldn't seem to get enough lovin'.


In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. After supper, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.


The problem was their nooner: it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done.


Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do.


"Homer," said the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the fields with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Daisy's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time."


They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while until one day when Homer came back to the doctor's office.


"What's wrong?" asked the Doc. "Didn't my idea work?"


"Oh, it worked good," said Homer. "Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Daisy'd come runnin'. We'd find a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home agin."


"Good, Homer. So what's the problem?" asked the Doc.


"Ah mighta trained her too good. I ain't seen her since huntin' season started!"

2007-04-30 04:58:16 · 16 answers · asked by old fool 1

A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications and said, "We have an opening for people like you." "Oh, great," he said, "What is it?" "It's called the door!"
---

A woman in Brooklyn decided to prepare her Will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered all over Bloomingdales. "Why Bloomingdales?" asked the rabbi. "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

---

A popular airline recently introduced a special half rate fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting great feedback, the company sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

2007-04-30 04:31:34 · 9 answers · asked by Chocolate Strawberries. 4

A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups.

The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.

"What the heck did you do that for!?!" the man screams.

"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore do you?"

2007-04-30 04:04:36 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that Her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

2007-04-30 04:03:59 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

a blind man walks into a barbershop..

the barber asks. what can I do for you?

the man asks..isn't this a barber shop ??.

the barber..yes, didn't you read the sign or are you blind??

the man, yes I'm blind, whats your excuse?

2007-04-30 03:57:32 · 15 answers · asked by bagel lover 3

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I asked to see your ticket, not your stub."

2007-04-30 03:33:41 · 13 answers · asked by Citizen Mac 6

They are fighting over whos gonna ride the bycicle first.Mother supieror said if you girls don't stop fighting over that bike.I am putting the seat back on it

2007-04-30 03:27:48 · 8 answers · asked by ? 2

A seven-year-old?
turns up in his classroom one morning to be confronted by his teacher. Teacher: "Morning Tommy, and why weren't you at school yesterday?" Tommy: "Well Miss, my Grandad got burnt." Teacher: "Oh Dear, he wasn't too badly hurt I hope?" Tommy: "Oh yes Miss, they don't mess around at those crematoriums."

2007-04-30 03:27:11 · 8 answers · asked by Conan 2

Mary and Joseph in a barn, Mary just given birth to a beautiful baby boy....
Three wise men come baring gifts...
The first wise man enters the barn and bangs his head and clutching his head yelles "Jesus Christ"...
Mary turns to Joseph and says "That's a much nicer name that Brian" !!!!!
If you smiled (or groned) how about a star :)

2007-04-30 03:21:17 · 27 answers · asked by Ωmega 5

An attractive young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

2007-04-30 03:17:56 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

An elderly lady goes into the doctor and tells him - "Doctor, I don't know what the problem is, but I've been far ting all the time. It's not really a problem socially because they don't make any noise and don't smell. I just can't stop far ting all the time. In fact while I've been in here I must have farted at least 20 times."

The doctor nods and gives her some pills. "Here take these for two weeks and come see me again when you are done."

So she takes the pills and returns two weeks later as instructed. Infuriated, she confronted the doctor. "What kind of medicine is this? I'm still far ting just as much? They still don't make any noise, but now they stink terribly!"

The doctor nodded, "It's alright, now that we have your sinus' cleared up, we'll work on your hearing next!"

2007-04-30 03:10:33 · 8 answers · asked by Conan 2

what excuse will you use when your boss catches you sleeping at your desk

i was thinking i would say.."In Jesus name..amen"

lol

2007-04-30 03:07:38 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day little jimmy was praying in his room when his dad walked in and heard.."Dear God, Bless mommy, bless daddy, bless grandpa, and ta ta grandma." Glad that jimmy was praying but confused by what ta ta meant he went away. In the morning they found grandma dead in the living room. The father was a littly scared but just shook his head. The next day he heard jimmy praying again..."Dear God, bless mommy, bless daddy, and ta ta grandpa. Then in the morning they found grandpa dead in the bathroom. This time jimmies father was getting really freaked. The next day jimmy was praying again when his dad over heard...Dear God, bless mommy and ta ta daddy. He got freaked! So he drove to the doctors to see if he was ok. The doctor said nothing was wrong with him, so he went home. When he got home he saw the mail man dead on his porch.

2007-04-30 02:53:38 · 18 answers · asked by X_x dead 3

2007-04-30 02:52:38 · 15 answers · asked by ? 7

A drunk man who smelled like whiskey sat down on a bench in a subway
station,
next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick,
and a
half empty bottle of Jim Beam was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man
turned
to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with
cheap
wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping
around
with prostitutes, and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," then returned
to his
paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you
had
arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here
that
the Pope does.

star me if ya think it's funny

2007-04-30 02:46:36 · 8 answers · asked by Kim 2

Little Jimmy walk up to his dad and asks ' Dad, how do you spell womb"? His dad thinks this is a strange question for a 10 year old, but kids these days are learning more about human anatomy in school at a younger age then he did.His dad says," w-o-m-b, why son"? Little Jimmy explaines," Im wrighting about an elephant that farts. Like WOOOOMMMB!!!

2007-04-30 02:36:33 · 5 answers · asked by Jackolantern 7