Jokes & Riddles - April 2007

Dreaming of eating chocolate pudding and waking up to reality with a spoon on your butt

2007-04-28 22:08:18 · 10 answers · asked by Stelarjohnny 2

Don't Look At The Other Answers !!!!! PLEASE !!!

Pick a number between 1 and 10
Multiply by 9
Add the two single numbers together, ie 49 = 4+9 = 15
Subtract 5
If A=1 and B=2 and C=3 etc find the letter for your number.
Quickly think of a Country that begins with your letter.
Using the second letter of that country, Quickly think of an Animal that begins with that letter.
The colour of that animal.
Give the country, the animal and the colour.
NOW ENTER YOUR ANSWER AND LOOK AT THE OTHERS !!! You will be amazed !!

2007-04-28 21:49:41 · 27 answers · asked by Steven W 3

1. SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.

2. GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.

3. IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING.

4. MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.

5. PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES, SEEKS FROG.

6. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.

7. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN.

8. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.

9. DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF.

10. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN - AND I HAVE A GUN.

11. GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO. BUT LIKE...WHO CARES?

12. NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES.

13. AND YOUR POINT IS?

14. WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.

15. OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.

16. DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.

17. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, SO PLEASE SHUT UP.

18. ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.

2007-04-28 18:52:31 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-04-28 16:05:31 · 33 answers · asked by leah 1

People who use it don't know they do.
People who make it don't want it.
People who buy it don't use it.

2007-04-28 15:54:50 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

LAST CHILD SUPPORT CHECK!!!
Today be my baby girl 18th birthday. I be so glad that dis be my
last child support payment! Month after month, year after year, all
dose payments! So I call my baby girl, LaKeesha, to come to my
house, and when she get here, I say, "Baby girl, I want you to take dis
check over to yo momma house and tell her dis be the last check she
ever
be gettin' from me, and I want you to come back and tell me the
'spression on yo mama face."

So, my baby girl take the check over to her momma. I be anxious to
hear what she say, and bout the 'spression on her face. Baby girl walk
through the door, I say, "Now what yo momma say 'bout that?" She say
to tell you that "you ain't my daddy" ... and watch the 'spression on
yo
face"!!!

2007-04-28 15:30:38 · 18 answers · asked by mdboomskwad.mc4u 4

A kindergarten student was outside on recess. When she came back to class, she told her teacher that she saw a dead cat. The teacher asked, " How do you know it was dead?". The kindergartener said, " I "pissed" in its ear but nothing happened." " You What ?!!" said the teacher. " I said I went "Psst" in the cat's ear!"

2007-04-28 14:30:43 · 25 answers · asked by jcalavaza21 1

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under
> your vehicle.
>
> From the Daily News comes this story of a Walsall couple who drove
> their car to Asda, only to have their car break down in the car park.
>
> The husband told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed
the car.
>
> The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.
> On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from
> under
the chassis.
>
> Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants
> turned his private parts into glaringly public ones.
>
> Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward,
> quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into
> place.
>
> On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself
> staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
>
> The RAC mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead

2007-04-28 14:15:03 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

but the second mouse gets the cheese

2007-04-28 13:28:21 · 16 answers · asked by justin d 1

A kindergartener was learning how to spell with magnet on the fridge. He often spelled short words such as "cat" and "dog" and "bird". One day while his mother was cooking, the little boy said "look what I spelled mommy!" "Very good!" said the mom. Then after a few minutes, the boy asked, mommy, how do you spell "zilla"?

2007-04-28 13:09:40 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Yard Sale
A woman was taking her time browsing through everything at a friend's yard sale, and said to her, "My husband is going to be very angry I stopped at a yard sale."

"I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him about all the bargains you found," her friend replied.

"Normally, yes," she said. "But he just broke his leg, and he's waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set."

2007-04-28 12:56:10 · 6 answers · asked by ? 6

2007-04-28 12:54:05 · 9 answers · asked by Toilet 1

2007-04-28 12:53:51 · 4 answers · asked by be my Angel :) 3

ok here ill try....


chyr4ws6t9i (its supossed to be "christi")

now my friend will try....


caroline (yay!! i did it!!)



and remember that u cant back-space!!!

2007-04-28 12:21:42 · 26 answers · asked by Cheerup782 3

You’re a grand old fart. You’re a high flying fart. And forever in peace may you smell. You’re the emblem of the fart I love. The home of the farts and the poo. Every fart beats true neath’ the fart white and blue. Where there’s always a fart and some poo. But should auld farts me product, keep your nose on the grand old fart.

2007-04-28 12:08:54 · 12 answers · asked by KittenKat 2

They found her face down in Ricki Lake!

2007-04-28 11:45:33 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2 sisters 1 blonde 1 brunette inherit the family ranch. They get into difficulty and to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch they decide to buy a bull to breed. They have $600 so the brunette goes to the stockyard inspects a bull an decides to buy.The man sell it to her for $599.She goes to the telegraph office to send her sister a telegraph saying I bought a bull I need you to hitch the trailer to our pickup and drive out here so we can haul it home. The telegraph man says its 99c a word. She thinks for a minute an says just send her the word comfortable. The operator shakes his head an says How will she know what you are talking about if you just send the word comfortable. The brunette explains my sister is blonde. The word is big. She will read it very slowly............com-for-da-bull

2007-04-28 11:37:32 · 22 answers · asked by angela f 3

...."I'll have a pint of bitter and a Zulu for the crocodile, please", he said. The barman said, "Sorry, but we're all out of Zulus, but I can let you have a Pygmy." "No thanks", said the man,"Hes a bastard when hes been on shorts!"

2007-04-28 11:36:31 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-04-28 11:25:24 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-04-28 11:25:02 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

about alan balls funeral she said

'i hope they let david organise it as everyone says david is a dead ball specialist'!

2007-04-28 11:08:58 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde was to have a job interview, but before the interview her husband told her not to tell anyone her age. She agreed. So after the interview her husband asked how it went and asked her if they asked her about her age. She smiled and answered nope, no one asked me about my age but i answered a few other questions like my place of birth, my home address and my date of birth. Her husband got really upset and shouted honey what have you done!!!!??

2007-04-28 10:48:46 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

A teacher, a thief and a lawyer all die in the same freak accident. So when they reach the pearly gates, St. Peter tells them that, unfortunately, heaven is overcrowded, so they each have to answer a question correctly for admission.

The teacher is first, and St. Peter asks, “Name the famous ship that was sunk by an iceberg?” “Phew, that one's easy,” says the teacher, “The Titanic.” “ Alright,” said St.Peter, “you may pass.”

Then the thief got his question: “How many died on the Titanic?” The thief replied, “That's a toughy, but fortunately I just saw the movie. The answer is 1500 people.” And so he passed through. Last, St. Peter gave the lawyer his question: “Name them.”

2007-04-28 10:46:35 · 6 answers · asked by mark 7

i like jim gaffigan, brian regan, demtri martian and others

2007-04-28 10:41:18 · 17 answers · asked by alpine star 2

Ivan was a dirt poor Russian peasant. One day while walking, he discovered an old lamp. He started to polish it and out came a genie who told him that for freeing him from the lamp he would grant Ivan one wish.

Ivan thought for a minute before declaring, "I am a poor simple man with simple needs, therefore I wish that Ivan pee vodka!" The Genie granted Ivan's wish, and then disappeared.

Ivan runs home and bursts through the door yelling, "Wife, bring two cups...tonight we drink vodka!!!" He pees in the cups and sure enough, it's the best vodka either had ever tasted.

The next night he comes through the door and again hollers, "Wife, bring two cups....tonight we drink vodka!!!" This continues all week until Friday night when Ivan comes in the door and exclaims, "Wife, bring me one cup!!!"

His wife is upset and asks, "Ivan, all week you say bring two cups and we drink vodka, why do you only ask for one cup?"

Ivan smiles and replies, "Because tonight wife, you drink from bottle!!!

2007-04-28 10:31:51 · 10 answers · asked by mark 7

A blond girl comes back from school one evening. She runs to her mum and says: "Mummy today at school we learnt how to count. Well, all the other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10! It's good, innit?"

"Yes darling, very good."

"Is that because I'm blond?"

"Yes darling, it's because you're blond."

Next day, the little girl comes back from school and says: "Mummy, today at school we learnt the alphabet. All the other girls only went as far as D, but listen to me: A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K ! It's good "innit?"

"Yes darling, very good."
"Is that because I'm blond, mummy?"

"Yes darling it's because you're blond.

Next Day, she returns from school and cries: "Mummy, today we went swimming. Well, all the other girls have no breasts, but look at me!" She proceeds to flash her impressive 36 D's at her mummy. "Is that because I'm blond, mummy?"

"No darling, it's because you're 25."

2007-04-28 10:02:04 · 4 answers · asked by Dusty DayDreams 6

i go to a restaurant and look up the board...the restaurant just brought out a new kids meal and guess what it said?...it said "only availaible on days that end with "ay"

2007-04-28 09:43:57 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Takes too long to count the pesos

2007-04-28 09:42:10 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

can you make me herl?

2007-04-28 09:08:58 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A gal is sitting on her front porch with her departed husbands
ashes in her lap, She said "Remember that BJ you always wanted? Here ya go..."

2007-04-28 09:02:11 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous