Jokes & Riddles - April 2007

A blonde wants to go water skiing, but she can't find a lake with a slope

2007-04-28 08:57:42 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

what are you doing? asks her hubby . . . ime looking for the expiry date she replies !!!!!!!!!!

2007-04-28 08:51:47 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous

why do women prefer making love with men that have been circumcised ? because they cant resist ANYTHING with 10 per cent off !!

2007-04-28 08:44:58 · 39 answers · asked by Anonymous

She reaches her hand in it and says it's round, it's got a stem, and it's got a leaf.

Little Johnny raises his hand and says it's an apple, it's an apple.

Then he says now let me give you one.

He reaches his hand in his pocket and says it's round, it's hard , and it's got a head.

The teacher says Ohh Johnny that's grose.

Little Johnny says no it's a quater but I like the way you're thinking.

2007-04-28 08:42:56 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.

The driver blonde turned to her friend and said “You know - it’s blondes like that that give us a bad name!”


To this, the other blonde replies “I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I’d go out there and drown her.”

2007-04-28 08:15:52 · 22 answers · asked by The Unknown Soldier 6

oki doki so theres this guy he doesnt really have enough time to go to a restaurant for lunch break. One day he does have time so he goes to the near by restaurant. While looking through the menu he spots "lunch special" so he orders it. The special is a salmon and as soon as the guy takes a bite ITS THE BEST THING HES EVER TASTED IN HIS ENTIRE LIFE. So sevearl weeks pass before he has time to go back there. When the time came he rushed over there and orders the salmon and as soon as it comes


HE SPITS IT OUT. It tasted horrible so he askes the waiter what the hell was wrong with it she ponders for a bit then says"hmm thats strange its from the same fish."

2007-04-28 08:06:03 · 2 answers · asked by ILikePie 3

A man enters his favourite fancy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a nearby table all alone.

He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that if she accepts it, she is his for the night.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying it is from the gentleman at a nearby table. She looks at the man, then at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and seven inches in your pants."

The man, after reading this note, sends another note to her. It read: "Just so you will know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarossa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560SEL in my garage, plus I have over twenty million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut three inches off my dick. Just send the wine back."

2007-04-28 07:33:26 · 15 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

Sunday's sermon was "Forgive Your Enemies." Toward the end of the service the minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands.

The minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time except one small, elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," she replied.

"Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation and said, "I outlived the bitches."

2007-04-28 07:24:47 · 8 answers · asked by OnTheProwl007 4

A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.
The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill."
The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.
"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house." the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off."
The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"

2007-04-28 07:05:03 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and his wife were spending a day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose-fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape section, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet, he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did this and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
"Now show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
"Now tell him you have a headache."

2007-04-28 07:02:21 · 9 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.
First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.
Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.
The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."
The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."

2007-04-28 06:53:56 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.

2007-04-28 06:46:32 · 20 answers · asked by Laughing Out Loud 1

A Quiz

2007-04-28 06:29:18 · 4 answers · asked by question001 3

Here is a picture of a vehicle. Is it moving left or right. You must give a reason and the best will be best answer.
http://www.geocities.com/denmarks/vehicle.jpg

2007-04-28 06:15:37 · 17 answers · asked by Barkley Hound 7

when 1 of the women spots her husband in the florist. she turns to her friend and says "i hate it when my husband buys me flowers, it means ive got to be nice to him. dont fancy spending a week on my back with my legs in the air". the other women turns round and says "why havnt you got a vase".

2007-04-28 06:12:20 · 10 answers · asked by lou 7

Men are like....Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like....Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like....Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.

Men are like....Parking spots.
The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.

Men are like....Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like.....Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like....Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like....High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like....Curling irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

Men are like....Mini skirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

Men are like....Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are!

2007-04-28 06:02:32 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

The man replied "You can have my horse if you can make the horse laugh." The man goes out and brings the horse back in laughing. The other man astonished then says " Okay if you can make the horse cry, I'll give you the horse." He then brings it out and back in with the horse crying. The man giving the horse asks" How in the world did you do that???!!!". The other man replied," First I told him that my d*ck was bigger than his to make him laugh. Then I showed my d*ck to prove that it was true to make him cry.

2007-04-28 05:11:03 · 9 answers · asked by knd_ninja 2

HEE HEE HEEE!!!

2007-04-28 04:42:03 · 16 answers · asked by ( Naruto™) 2

"Look, I’ll give you £100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to my part where I’m to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that part out."
He passed the clergyman the cash and walked away satisfied.

The wedding day arrived, the bride and groom are exchanging their vows. When it comes time for the groom’s vows, the vicar looks the young man in the eye and says:
"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom is shocked, gulps, looks around, and says in a tiny voice, "Yes."

The groom leaned toward the vicar and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."

The vicar put the £100 into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer!"

2007-04-28 04:38:01 · 16 answers · asked by The Unknown Soldier 6

BEAUTY PARLOUR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MYTH: A female moth.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines

2007-04-28 04:36:29 · 5 answers · asked by la sombra.. 4

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddie. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?"asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face," he answered. "I'm going to have a beer." The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India,etc. The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know... they
have frozen glasses... "He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted
him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that he was getting chills just holding it.

2007-04-28 04:30:10 · 10 answers · asked by Jodi C 5

A man & a woman were sitting beside each other in the 1st class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for 10 to 15 secs. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman & said,"I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed 3 times, wiped your nose & then shuddered violently. Are you ok?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you. I have a very rare medical condition. Whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man,more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded,"BLACK PEPPER."

2007-04-28 04:06:09 · 10 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

Sorry guys, missed out an important part of this the first time round, which is why nobody's head was hurting and everybody thought they had it.

Three men are blindfolded, and each has a hat placed on his head. They are led into a room, where they are told that they are all wearing either a black or white hat, and that they must raise their hands when they can see a white hat, and drop their hands when they know what colour their own hat is. The blindfolds are removed, and they all put up their hands. After a couple of minutes, one man drops his hand and says "My hat is white." How did he know?

FAQs
No, there are no mirrors.
No, he didn't ask one of the others.
No, he can't see his own hat.

They only have to see one white hat to raise their hands... If he was wearing a black hat, each of the others would still see a white hat on the third man.

And he has his hand up, so he must be seeing at least one white hat.

...And he sees two white hats in front of him.

2007-04-28 02:50:39 · 6 answers · asked by Toilet Duck 4

Why did the dragon cross the road?




To get away from his Uncle Susy and his Aunt Bob.


Keep your answers G rated.

2007-04-28 01:24:50 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the rates.
“Fifty dollars for three questions, ” replied the lawyer.

“Isn't that awfully steep?” asked the man.

“Yes,” the lawyer replied, “and what was your third question?”

2007-04-28 01:03:35 · 7 answers · asked by Bhaskar 3

entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. Conan shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled Conan bandit shot him

2007-04-28 01:02:30 · 11 answers · asked by Conan 2

A Sardar & his wife filed an application for Divorce.
Judge asked: How'll U divide your kids, U"VE 3 children?
Sardar replied: Ok! We'll apply NEXT YEAR


Teacher to Santa " Where were U born?
Santa : In Tiruvanantapuram.
Teacher : Spell it?
Santa : (after thinking) I think I was born in GOA.


Santa : People consider me as a "GOD"
Banta : How do you know??
Santa : When I went to the Park today, everybody said, Oh GOD ! U have came again..


Santa complained 2 Police : Sir all items are missing, except the TV in my house.
Police : How the theif did not take TV???
Santa : I was watching TV na....


Thought for the Day!!!

If you call your mother as MUM.. What will you call Mother's younger sis and elder sis?

Answer : MINIMUM & MAXIMUM

Please give a star if u liked jokes.

2007-04-27 21:58:14 · 24 answers · asked by katty 2

I turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.

2007-04-27 21:24:35 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

"I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It is the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So, if you could, please pack my clothes, my fishing equipment and especially my blue silk pyjamas. I will be home in an hour to pick them up."

He goes home in a hurry, grabs everything and rushes off.

A week later he returns. His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip, dear?"

He responds, "Oh yes, great! The fishing was fantastic! You would not believe the size of one that I caught. The only thing is that you forgot to pack my blue silk pyjamas."

His wife smiles and says, "Oh no, I did not. I put them in your tackle box!"

2007-04-27 20:34:57 · 21 answers · asked by Conan 2

Night. A sleeping couple is lying in a bed. Door bell rings.
A couple wakes up.

Woman: "Quick! My husband is back!"

Man jumps out from a window. Flying down he starts to think:

"****! But I am the husband!"

2007-04-27 19:31:47 · 4 answers · asked by ari-pup 7