Jokes & Riddles - April 2007

Two blondes walk into a bar, each orders a drink. They go and sit down and
start toasting and cheering, "51 days! 51 Days!!" About five minutes later,
another blonde walks in,Orders a drink, and joins the other two in the cheering.

Finally, another blonde walks in with what looks like a
Cardboard picture. She puts the picture thing in the middle of the table, and
starts cheering with the others, "51 days!
51 days!! The Bar Tender starts too get really curious, so he walks over to
discover that the picture is a Cookie Monster Puzzle. He walks over to one of
the blondes and asks, "What on earth are you doing??" "Well," the blonde says,
"everyone thinks blondes are so stupid, so we proved them wrong. On the box of
this puzzle, it says 2-4 years, but we finished it in only 51 days!!!

Star if you like it!

2007-04-27 10:01:02 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.

"Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain.

"I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts."

2007-04-27 09:59:46 · 12 answers · asked by Masoud   2

Dave, a National Front member is in a car crash..

When he comes round the doctor says " Dave I have good news and Bad news.
Bad news you've had 2 pints of pa*i blood and 2 pints of ni*a blood"

Dave screams " What the fu*k is the good news?"

The doctor says.."Your co*c is 4 inches longer and you're top of the housing list!"


NOT HERE TO OFFEND - ONLY WANT TO MAKE YOU SMILE!

2007-04-27 09:50:32 · 16 answers · asked by thumberlina 6

One stormy night, I was driving down a long desolate road. I did not realize I was low on gas untill it was too late. Even with it pouring outside, I decided to start walking. After a ways, I heard something approaching me from behind. It was a car going very slowly. As it eased up beside me, I decided what the hell and got in. Besides, I was ready to get out of the rain. After getting in, I looked over to the driver to thank him for picking me up, but there was no driver! I was freaked out! Still, I remained in the car. The car inched ever so slowly until it came to a fork in the road. I looked to my left and saw one single hand turning the steering wheel! OMG! I was comepletely freaked, but did not dare move! I saw lights in the distance, and as the car stopped in front of the lone Diner, I jumped out and raced inside, breathless, my heart pounding. Just then, a grizzly, wet man spoke up, "Look, John, it's that idiot that jumped in our car while we were pushing it!"

2007-04-27 09:48:12 · 22 answers · asked by sandg94 3

one slip of the tongue and your in the sh*t

2007-04-27 09:45:01 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

a young man in Greece got together with a sexy young blonde on holiday. He took her back to his apartment and one thing lead to another, They had wild sex and afterwards he lay looking at her and said " are you finished" "nah "she said, Oh god he thought" i'd better try a bit harder", He reached out for her and gave her a good ratteling. They bucked and writhed and after he said "are you finished", "nah" she said, My god i can't let her get the better of me. So off he goes again, He gave her all his tired body could give, thrusting and bucking and writhing. Once again he looked over at her as he crawled back up to the bed "are you finished" nah she said. I'm swedish..................(

2007-04-27 09:42:24 · 14 answers · asked by chris w. 7

40 Gyp*ies arrive at Heaven's gates. St.Peter tells them " We've only got room for 12 of you, so decide amongst yourselves who is coming in"

5 minutes later St.Peter tells God " They've gone"
God says " What all of them?
St.Peter says " No, the Fuc*ing gates!!!"

Like it?

2007-04-27 09:40:47 · 18 answers · asked by thumberlina 6

A young girl is wandering through a park in the pouring rain, when she comes across 3 dogs. Being a bit of an animal lover, she approaches them, bends down and starts to stroke one of them: "Ah, you're lovely, aren't you?" she says to the first dog. "What's your name?" To her surprise, the dog actually answers her, "My name's Huey, and I've had a great day going in and out of puddles."

Delighted with this discovery, she moves on to the next dog. "And what's your name then?" Again, unbelievably, the 2nd dog answers her, "My name's Lewy, and I've had a great day going in and out of puddles." And so she moves on to the last dog. "Let me guess," she says. "your name's Dewy, and you've had a great day going in and out of puddles."

"No," replies the last dog. "My name's Puddles, and I've had an awful day!"



Think about it.

If you get it please star. Many thanks.

2007-04-27 09:38:03 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

so there was 3 women on a beach. a brunet a red head and a blonde. the brunet decided she was tired of waiting around so she tried to swim back. she got about 1/4 of the way there then drowned and died. the red head then tryed. she got 1/3 of the way there the drowned and died. the blond the tried. she got over 1/2 of the way got tired and swam back!!

2007-04-27 09:33:04 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

all die and go to heaven where they are met at the gates by st.peter
"my friends" said st.peter" you are all welcome but must first be cleansed before entering into heaven!"
the first nun approaches and st.peter asked" have you touched a mans part?"
"yes" repleid the nun "but only with a finger"
"wash this finger in the holy water and enter" was st.peter`s answer
the next nun is asked the same question and she replied
" i held it in my hand"
"wash it in holy water and enter" st.peter says
all of a sudden a commotion from the end of the cue of nuns and st.peter shouted"now now ladies, whats the problem?"
a nun stepped forward and said " if sister mary is going to wash her behind can i gargle first?"

2007-04-27 09:32:35 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

She just got 2 seashells one on the inside of each thigh,when you put you ears to them you can smell the ocean.

2007-04-27 09:30:24 · 10 answers · asked by Tazz 5

A blind man was standing on the corner with his dog when the dog raised his leg and wet on the man's trouser leg.

The man reached in his pocket and took out a doggie biscuit.

A busybody who had been watching ran up to him and said, "You shouldn't do that. He'll never learn anything if you reward him when he does something like that!".

The blind man retorted, "I'm not rewarding him.
I'm just trying to find his mouth so that I can kick him in the a*s"!

2007-04-27 09:29:10 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

the priest asks the woman to confess and be cleansed
"oh father, forgive me i have sinned! last night my boyfriend made love to me six times!"
The priest sat in silence preparing his answer and said to the woman " my child, take the juice of six lemons squeezed into a class and drink it all"
"will this cleanse my soul and will i be forgiven?" the woman asked
"no!" replied the priest
"but it will wipe the smile off your face!"

2007-04-27 09:22:37 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ok this dosen't work unless ur telling it to one person so i am gonna pretend that i am telling it to my friend bob lol so just imagine ur him.
Sleeping beauty, the hunchback of notredame and king kong were all having a conversation one day about a talking mirror that only told the truth, sleeping beauty said "i bet i'm the prettiest in the world." King kong said "I bet i'm the strongest in the world." And the hunchback of notredame said "I bet i'm the ugliest in the world." So they all went to the talking mirror to find out. Sleeping beauty was first and she came out and said "Yep, i was right, i'm the prettiest." King kong was next and he came out and said "Yup, i'm the strongest." And finally The hunchback of notredame went in and came out and said "Who the hells bob?!"

2007-04-27 09:21:43 · 5 answers · asked by pippiedooda 2

Two women meet at the gates of heaven
1st woman:howd you die?
2nd woman:froze to death, you?
1st woman:Heart attack, I thought my husband was having an affair so I ran all around the house looking for the woman and when Ii couldnt find her I was so worn out I had a heart attack and died.

2nd woman: You should have checked the freezer then we'd both still be alive.

2007-04-27 09:17:42 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

HE : Can I buy you a drink?
SHE : Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE : I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE : I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE : Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE : Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE : How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE : I must've been given your share.

HE : Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE : Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE : Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE : And your face must turn a few stomachs.
HE : Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE : Okay, get out.

HE : I think I could make you very happy.
SHE : Why? Are you leaving?

HE : What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE : Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE : Can I have your name?
SHE : Why? Don't you already have one?

HE : Shall we go see a movie?
SHE : I've already seen it.

HE : Where have you been all my life?
SHE : Hiding from you.

HE : Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE : Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE : Is this seat empty?
SHE : Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE : So, what do you do for a living?
SHE : I'm a female impersonator.

HE : Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE : Do not enter.

HE : Your body is like a temple.
SHE : Sorry, there are no services today.

HE : If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE : If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

2007-04-27 09:05:05 · 11 answers · asked by Roxy 3

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her
quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in
the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl."Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it

2007-04-27 09:02:17 · 5 answers · asked by Roxy 3

did you hear about the irish s.a.s
they parachuted into dublin zoo and shot the gorillas
and released the ostriches

2007-04-27 09:01:43 · 4 answers · asked by freddy 4

When I die, I want to go like my grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep.
Not yelling and screaming like all the passengers in his car.

2007-04-27 08:57:40 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Eh, we betta get support or else they gon' tink we nuts!!"

2007-04-27 08:47:36 · 5 answers · asked by Bobby D 2

i am bored and i just want to know what you think?

2007-04-27 08:45:55 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber look around the shop and says "about 2 hours," and the guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks..."how long before I can get a haircut?" Again, the barber looks around at shop full of customers and says "about 2 hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks "how long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "about an hour and a half". The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey, Joey, I'll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Joey comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber says, "this must be good, where did he go when he left here?"
Joey says, "To your house!"

2007-04-27 08:35:35 · 5 answers · asked by drew d 3

it was a turtle disaster

2007-04-27 08:08:21 · 14 answers · asked by Michael D 6

i could not put it down

2007-04-27 08:01:53 · 25 answers · asked by Michael D 6

2007-04-27 07:59:06 · 26 answers · asked by Tina S 1

You know how the saying goes, they got so much money that they wipe their *(&@# with $100 bills.

2007-04-27 07:49:27 · 4 answers · asked by JOHNNY D 3

a. The ABC song

b. Twinkle Twinkle Little Star

c. Mary Had a Little Lamb

d. Baa Baa Black Sheep

2007-04-27 07:33:11 · 25 answers · asked by BriATFU 2

Man in a mask bursts into a sperm bnk with a gun.
"Open the fcuking safe" he shouts to the manageress.
He then says " Now take a sample out and drink it"
She drinks it and wipes her mouth.
Suddenly, the man takes off his mask toreveal he's her husband.
He says "See it's not that difficult is it?"

2007-04-27 07:19:27 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-04-27 07:15:39 · 34 answers · asked by Chrys Majors 1

This guy was driving in a car with a blonde. He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker worked.

She stuck her head out and said, 'Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes...'

2007-04-27 07:13:59 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous