Jokes & Riddles - April 2007

Lil' Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what

2007-04-26 14:43:14 · 13 answers · asked by Dally 2

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

2007-04-26 14:17:25 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A brunette and a blonde were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the brunette. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the blonde."

Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The blonde hands the brunette the money.

"I can't take your money," said the brunette "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said the blonde. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"

2007-04-26 14:02:46 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-04-26 14:00:19 · 24 answers · asked by DcTennis 2

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question and as he
turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman besides
knocking his elbow into her breast.
They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your
breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

2007-04-26 13:26:44 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A worker at a Steel Mill is in a horrible accident, and lost both his ears. He sues the Steel Mill because he is deformed,the Mill is found negligent, and the man uses his settlement to buy the Mill as it was all he knew.
Now he must hire someone to run it.
He takes in resumes looks them over.
Finally he selected three for interviews.
The first candidate came in, the man said" I just have one queston for you. Do you notice anything different about me?"
The candiate fumbled and replied "Well, uh, I notice you don't have any ears." Furious at having his deformity mentioned he throws him out of his office.
The Second canditate shows up, is asked the same question, and gets himself thrown out also.
The thrid candidate is asked the same question, and states "Why yes, I do notice something about you, you wear contact lenses." Amazed the man says,"you have the job, but how did you know?" His reply, "Well you can't wear glasses, because you don't have any ******* ears!"

2007-04-26 13:25:58 · 9 answers · asked by Keger E 3

A golden retriever!

2007-04-26 13:16:16 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

a joke:
one day a dog was peeing at the side of a wall and suddenly the wall fell on the dog and he died. after paying his last respects all dogs had a meeting to discuss the saftey points so that such thing does not happen again,
one of the group leader decided that whenever a dog went to pee near a wall he will have to lift one of his leg on the wall so that it never fell on it

2007-04-26 13:02:26 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary.
as the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked
the husband: "when you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going
through your mind?"
the husband replied: "all i wanted to do was to f*** your brains out, and suck
your **** dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "what are you thinking now?"
he replied: "it looks like i did a pretty good job."

2007-04-26 13:01:37 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-04-26 12:54:38 · 18 answers · asked by Cliff E 3

2007-04-26 12:41:51 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-04-26 12:34:50 · 9 answers · asked by ♥hokie_fan9313♥ 2

2007-04-26 12:07:48 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

2007-04-26 11:05:50 · 14 answers · asked by Q 4

two hour's later she takes it back to the shop and complains that is is broke . the salesman asks her what is wrong with it , well she reply's every chanel is showing snooker , when i switched it on there was snooker on , i changed chanel and there was snooker i changed to every chanel and each one was showing snooker and it kept getting louder , the salesman looks at her an says madam thats the






volume control

2007-04-26 10:06:18 · 13 answers · asked by dunrockin404 5

tie him up. Being a polite, savage tribe (they're of English ancestry) they offer him this choice:
We will execute you but you get to decide how you will die. You may make one declarative statement - not a question, incomplete statement, nor jibberish. If what you say is true we will hang you; if what you say is false we will shoot you.

Being the inspired, Godly man that he is, he utters a statement. They look at each other in perplexity and dismay. They release him and he goes on his way. What did he say to them?
(If no one guesses I'll divulge the answer within a couple of days).
Enjoy....

2007-04-26 09:08:35 · 9 answers · asked by Jonathan 2

2007-04-26 09:04:04 · 38 answers · asked by greeneyedflavor 2

A Naughty pig!



Sorry but this is courtesy of my 6 year old grandson B who is with me at the mo and wants to see how it's done.

2007-04-26 09:01:24 · 26 answers · asked by ? 5

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
One US leader.
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together? 100 people who don't do dick..
What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the Cuban National Anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

Thought someone might need a laugh for the day.

2007-04-26 08:43:24 · 12 answers · asked by *Heather* 3

Reading were they what out figure 2 tried that azz dumb the then dumber you are?

2007-04-26 08:40:35 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

man wakes up next to his wife one morning and says''i had a wet dream about you last night''
wife says''aaaahhh did you darlin''
man says ''yea i dreamt you got run over by a bus and i pissxd myself laughing''

2007-04-26 08:29:51 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

IHOP of course......

2007-04-26 07:41:40 · 17 answers · asked by jimapalooza 5

2007-04-26 07:27:29 · 6 answers · asked by SweetieGoat 4

2007-04-26 07:25:52 · 16 answers · asked by Ali 2

why was the blonde walking spraddle legged?
sh has a date later and is wearing hot rollers! hahahha

2007-04-26 07:23:50 · 6 answers · asked by SweetieGoat 4

Did you know that God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.

2007-04-26 07:14:37 · 6 answers · asked by Candi Barr 1

a man and woman are bored with there sex life n decide to take a trip to the moon as there a swingers party there, upon arriving they see the alien couple that they will swap with, they chat and agree they will swap parters for curiousity of sex on other planets.
so the woman take the alien man with her and the man takes the alien woman, the man get stuck in straight away and is enjoying himself but the woman seems to be haveing trouble she turns and says to the alien " i don't mean to sound rude but your penis is way too small " the alien doesn't appear to be bothered by this comment and replies, " haha this is where we are different " as he pulls on the lobe of his ear. and magically his penis becomes longer till the woman says stop and is gob smacked with the size of it but turns and says " thats all well and good but is still the width of a pencil. the alien laughs agains and slaps himself on his forehead and his penis begins to increase in width untill she stops him again. " that;s amazing " she says as they start haveing sex.
afterwards when it was over the man and woman meet back up, the man turns to his wife and says " how was it then " she replies " i can't lie that was the best sex ive ever had. how was it for you " the man turns and says " it wasn't bad, but i have a head ache now " " Y? " the woman replies " she kept pullin my ears and hitting my forehead.. . . . . .

2007-04-26 07:06:10 · 36 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-04-26 07:06:01 · 10 answers · asked by andy p 2

Becuase I've been talking to my guy friend...(Matt) Hes cute,Sweet and fun to be with. Loves to have fun. I've talked to him again for 4 hours after school and 2 hours at night yesterday....I've been talking to him alot lately.....and I fallen for him and want to know that one question...but kind afraid to ask him that one question....I want to go out with you....but don't know how to bring it up in a conversation...cuz when I want to say it I freeze up and say something else.......Would anyone help me with this?

2007-04-26 06:58:37 · 21 answers · asked by Lori J 2

K, this is a joke about guys being afraid to go near other guys.

There are five urinols in a bathroom. First guy comes in, goes to the far left one. Second guy comes in, goes to the far right. Third guy comes in, goes to the middle. Fourth guy comes in. "Oh crap."

2007-04-26 06:38:31 · 29 answers · asked by Whisper from the Myst 2