Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

There were once four kids, Poop, Shut Up, Manners, and Trouble.

Poop was riding his bike and fell. Manners went to help him up. Trouble got lost. Shut Up goes to the Police Station.

Officer: What's your name?
Shut Up: Shut Up.

Officer: What's your name?
Shut Up: Shut Up.

Officer: For the last time, WHAT'S YOUR NAME?!
Shut Up: Shut Up!

Officer: Are you looking for Trouble?
Shut Up: Ya, we lost him about 2 miles back.

Officer: Where's your Manners?
Shut Up: Back there pickin' up Poop.

2007-01-31 23:56:57 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, Mary, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'"

Sally raised her hand and said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'"

Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because Johnny was notorious for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him.

Johnny said loudly, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons."
The teacher said, "That was good, Johnny. However, you did not use the word 'fascinate' in your sentence."

Little Johnny continued, "But her b**bs are so big, she can only fasten eight!"

2007-01-31 23:45:48 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

i've had weetabix and half an apple - the joys of living in an office

2007-01-31 23:45:08 · 17 answers · asked by VintageSecret-xo 1

10. He reminds me of OJ Simpson, but without the murder accusations.


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9. He has never taken me aside to 'axe' me something.


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8. He came over to a dinner party, and afterwards, we still had all our
silverware!


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7. It's so good to see a man marry his baby's momma.



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6. He really can control his lust for white women.


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5. America needs more diversity in its presidencies. Obama can help us meet
that quota.


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4. I like that he enjoys fried chicken, but he isn't obsessesed with it.


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3. Obama's wonderful because he's spent hardly any time in jail.


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2. He went to Harvard and he's only half white!



And the number one compliment Senator Biden has for Obama..



1. The great thing about Obama is that I don't need to learn Ebonics

2007-01-31 23:38:19 · 3 answers · asked by zombiefighter1988 3

If you get caught between the moon and New York city
you will most likely die from lack of oxygen.

2007-01-31 23:34:06 · 6 answers · asked by mlspaypal 1

How can you tell an old man from a young man in the dark?


It ain't hard.

2007-01-31 23:32:56 · 3 answers · asked by Lori 4

Two village idiots are walking along a country path. One of them picks up a mirror, looks in it, and says
"Hey, I know that bloke"

He passes it to his friend who looks in it and says "Of course you do, you thick **** - its me!"

2007-01-31 23:12:43 · 12 answers · asked by Flying Scotsman 2

2007-01-31 23:11:00 · 9 answers · asked by durkseekstheworld 1

Please share your favourite joke.

2007-01-31 22:28:27 · 10 answers · asked by Arnie 2

A preacher woke up one Sunday morning and looked outside and saw it was a beautiful day. He decided to skip church and go play golf. So he called the junior pastor at his church and told him he was sick and couldn't give the sermon. The junior pastor told him not to worry, he would deliver the sermon.
The pastor drove about 40 miles away from town to avoid being spotted. As he was setting up his first drive on the first hole, Jesus leaned over to God in heaven and asked him, "Are You going to let him get away with this?"
God told Jesus not to worry, he would handle it. Right as God said that, the preacher hit the drive of his life. The ball traveled all 450 yards to the green, bounced once, and rolled in the hole. This happened for the whole game, 18 holes. The preacher was ecstatic.
Jesus asked God, "Why would you let him do that?"

God said, "Because, who is he gonna tell?"

2007-01-31 22:26:43 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

whats the funniest joke youve herd?

iv got a few my self but ill leave them till the feed back

2007-01-31 22:24:59 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

- the guy come to fix the doorbell

2007-01-31 22:20:48 · 6 answers · asked by ? 5

- My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned...couldn't concentrate.

- After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it...mainly because it was a so-so job.

- Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

- Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.

- I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

- I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

- Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

- Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.

- So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

- After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

- I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

- My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

- I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

- My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

SO I RETIRED AND FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

2007-01-31 22:16:53 · 1 answers · asked by Jodi C 5

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.

On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer.

The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer.

Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend. So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag.

At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.

The teacher says, " Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?"
Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!"

2007-01-31 22:15:06 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

An Im-migrant is given a council house, nieghbours help with odd pieces of furniture etc, and he goes out to thank some of the Brits for their kind generosity.
6 hours later he comes back telling his neighbour he's met people from 23 countries but not one British man
”Oh you won’t see any of them”, says the As ian man, “those daft ba stards are all out working”.

2007-01-31 22:12:06 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

DONT CHEAT.dont change your page,dont ask someone,never leave your seat and dont look ahead coz answers are at the bottom.
Try to give the pecuniary unit (monetary unit) of the countries below: (I know you people know this!!have fun!)

1.)Germany...

2.)Japan...

3.)China..

4.)Iraq...

5.)Philippines...

6.)Saudi Arabia...

7.)Thailand...

8.)Indonesia...

9.)Greece..

10.)Russia...

11.)United States...

12.)Costa Rica...

13.)India...

14.)Iran...

15.)Italy...
>
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>answer key:
1.)Germany... -- Mark
2.)Japan...--Yen
3.)China..--Yuan
4.)Iraq...--Dinar
5.)Philippines...--Peso
6.)Saudi Arabia...--Riyal
7.)Thailand...--Bhat
8.)Indonesia...--Rupiah
9.)Greece..--Drachma
10.)Russia...-- Ruble
11.)United States...--Dollar
12.)Costa Rica...-- Colon
13.)India...-- Rupee
14.)Iran...-- Rial
15.)Italy...-- Lira


source: IQ Challenger by CS Canonigo

2007-01-31 22:04:51 · 4 answers · asked by cHecK_dis_OuT 1

A man and a dog were going down the street. The man rode,yet walked. What was the dog's name...?

2007-01-31 22:01:29 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

.....

2007-01-31 22:01:01 · 10 answers · asked by Avatar Unknown 2

Tom worked for a brewery for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress,
he quits his job and lives as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week etc.... Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his
door. He opens it and sees a huge, bearded man standing there.

"Name's Bob, your neighbour from ten miles up the road... having a
party Friday night... thought you might like to come."
"Great", says Tom, "after six months here I'm ready to meet some locals"

As Bob is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you... there's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with
the best of 'em."

"More 'n likely be some wild sex, too."
"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been
all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should
I wear?"
"Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us.

2007-01-31 21:56:13 · 16 answers · asked by Flying Scotsman 2

2007-01-31 21:25:36 · 20 answers · asked by Knuckledragger 4

2007-01-31 21:13:24 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

* Your mama is so fat when her beepers goes off, people thought she was backing up
* Your mama is so fat. People jog around her for exercise.
* Your mama is so fat. She went to the movies and sat next to everyone.
* Your mama is so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too.
* Your mama so fat she's got her own area code.

2007-01-31 21:09:41 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-31 20:54:00 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-31 20:47:31 · 20 answers · asked by bill b 1

2007-01-31 20:46:35 · 13 answers · asked by bill b 1

" ? "
(use your wildest imagination)

2007-01-31 20:30:20 · 22 answers · asked by ghostguff3 2

AN 87yr old woman came home from bingo to find her 92yr old husband in bed with another women.Becoming violent she pushed him off the balconey of their 20th floor apartment.Befour the court on a murder charge the judge asked if she had anything to say in her own defence."Yes, your honour. I figured that at 92 if he could have sex, he could fly!"

2007-01-31 20:11:42 · 10 answers · asked by ? 5

Men have got to show women who's the boss!!!

I had an argument with with my girlfriend the other day.
I had her crawling to me on her hands & feet.

I was under the bed & she was yelling,
"Come out & fight like a man!"


Got your attention didn't I
Ha!

Riddles and jokes
Riddles and jokes

Joe King

2007-01-31 19:56:25 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

playing marbles the girl opens her bag of marbles and says "look at all my marbles"thers aboutt 20.the boy opens his bag and sys "well look at this"the boys bag has one conker in it(a conker is a big marble)"my one marble beats all your little ones" he then pulls down his pants ans says"ive got one of these" so she pulls down her pants and says "with one of these i can have as many of those as i want"

2007-01-31 19:42:13 · 10 answers · asked by BUSHIDO 7

2007-01-31 19:40:57 · 28 answers · asked by zapak 1