Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

"is there anything different in your life". he said he was recently laid off and now just eats cheetos and watches dirty movies.

2007-01-31 04:15:29 · 8 answers · asked by bizeyman 2

If a light sleeper sleeps lighter with the light on, does a hard sleeper sleep harder with a hard on?

2007-01-31 04:13:56 · 1 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day, a man went into the doctor because he wanted to have a vasectomy so he wouldn't have to worry about his wife getting pregnant.

The doctor decided the procedure would be safe, so he did it.

Afterwards, the doctor told him skin would begin to accumulate around his genitals. The doctor said he wanted the man to collect the skin for 20 years, then make something, then bring it back to the doctor.

So, after 20 years, the man finally came back. The doctor said, "So, what did you make me?"

So the man pulled out of his pocket a little wallet and handed it to the doctor.

The doctor said, "This is all you were able to make over these whole 20 years?"

Then the man said, "Yeah, but if you rub on it for a 'bit, it'll turn into a suitcase!"

2007-01-31 04:12:39 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

This baby seal walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "What'll ya have?" The seal says, "Anything but a Canadian Club."

2007-01-31 04:11:06 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

there's a tree over there with 12 pears hanging there, 11 men go walking by and each man takes a pear but leave eleven hanging there , how is that possible?

2007-01-31 04:10:43 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-31 04:09:50 · 14 answers · asked by Shadowgirl 1

2007-01-31 04:07:10 · 9 answers · asked by chris c 3

Ode Tae A Fart

Oh what a sleekit horrible beastie
Lurks in your belly efter the feastie
Just as ye sit doon among yer kin
There sterts to stir an enormous wind
The neeps and tatties and mushy peas
Stert workin like a gentle breeze
But soon the puddin wi the sauncie face
Will have ye blawin all ower the place

Nae matter whit the hell ye dae
A'body's gonnae hiv tae pay
Even if ye try tae stifle
It's like a bullet oot a rifle
Hawd yer bum tight tae the chair
Tae try and stop the leakin air
Shifty yersel fae cheek tae cheek
Prae tae God it doesnae reek

But aw yer efforts go assunder
Oot it comes like a clap o thunder
Ricochets aroon the room
Michty me a sonic boom
God almighty it fairly reeks
Hope I huvnae **** my breeks
Tae the bog I better scurry
Aw whit the hell it's no ma worry

A'body roon aboot me chokin
Wan or two are nearly bokin
I'll feel better for a while
Cannae help but raise a smile
Wiz him! I shout with accusin glower
Alas too late, he's just keeled ower
Ye dirty bugger they shout and stare
A dinnae feel welcome any mair

Where e'ere ye go let yer wind gan’ free
Sounds like just the job fur me
Whit a fuss at rabbie's party
Ower the sake o one wee farty

2007-01-31 04:07:01 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

just this minute reached level 2¬¬

2007-01-31 04:02:30 · 8 answers · asked by caesar 3

Your mama is so fat, when she sings, its over.
LMBO

2007-01-31 03:48:10 · 5 answers · asked by Pinky 6

"Can I have a martini please?" Says the string. "No" Says the bar man we don't serve string here. Second evening the string walks in and asks for a martini, "No" Says the barman "We don't serve strings in here" The third night the string walks in and asks for a martini, "Look, didn't I tell you we don't serve strings in this pub?" Says the barman, "I'm a frayed knot" Said the string.

2007-01-31 03:38:57 · 7 answers · asked by florrie f 3

I am, are you?

2007-01-31 03:37:11 · 5 answers · asked by Shadowgirl 1

2007-01-31 03:32:10 · 14 answers · asked by rotunda g 1

?????CAN U FINISH THE REST?

2007-01-31 03:31:44 · 34 answers · asked by Baby Doll 3

somebody asked me this in school

2007-01-31 03:27:25 · 14 answers · asked by zmanryan2 1

please answer me

2007-01-31 03:21:13 · 15 answers · asked by guy6020665 2

A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom’s bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"

Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.

Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning,

"Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

Little Johnny told his teacher he’d found a cat. She asked him if it was dead or alive.

"Dead." She was informed.

"How do you know?" she asked her pupil.

"Because I pxssed in its ear and it didn’t move," answered the child innocently.

"You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

"You know," explained Little Johnny, "I leaned over and went ’Pssst!’ and it didn’t move."

2007-01-31 03:19:06 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, shut off the engine and coast into the garage.

I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?' . . . and, she always acts like she's sound asleep!"

2007-01-31 03:16:30 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?

A: Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women see what’s in the bed and go to the fridge.

Q. Why do women call it PMS?

A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

Q. What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

A: 45 lbs.

Q. What does an old woman have between her brexsts that a young woman doesn't?

A. A navel

Q. Why did god create Adam before he created eve?

A. Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.

Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant

A. Marry her

Q. What's female Viagra?

A. Jewellery

Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

A: When she starts a sentence with, "A man once told me..."


Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, whom do you let in first?

A: The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

2007-01-31 03:11:35 · 38 answers · asked by Anonymous

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,!
"Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?
To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"

He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

2007-01-31 03:09:02 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

girl from cameroon in the uk(southampton)

2007-01-31 03:02:40 · 3 answers · asked by zach t 1

Q: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?

A: They already have boyfriends.

Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

A: We don’t know it’s never happened.
Q: Why are blonde jokes so short?

A: So men can remember them.

Q: How does a man show he is planning for the future?

A: He buys two cases of beer.

Q: What do men and spxrm have in common?

A: They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming human.

Q: How many honest intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?

A: Both of them!

Q. What’s the difference between a x-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q. What is a Yankee?

A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q: What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

A: 45 minutes

Q: Why don’t women have men’s brains?

A: Because they don’t have pxnises to keep them in.

2007-01-31 03:00:57 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-31 02:58:15 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde goes to the doctor. The doctor asks, "What seems to be the problem?" The blonde says, "I just hurt all over." The doctor says, "Show me exactly where you hurt." The blonde takes her finger and touches her nose and says, "OOWWW!" The doctor says, "HHMMM. Where else do you hurt?" She takes her finger and touches her knee and says, "OOWWW!" The doctor says, "HHMMM. And where else do you hurt?" She takes her finger and touches her ear and says, "OOWWW!" The doctor says, "Well, I think I have a diagnosis for you." The blonde says, "Don't hold anything back. Tell me like it is. I can take it." The doctor says, "Your finger is broken."

2007-01-31 02:53:35 · 11 answers · asked by yagman 7

im smiling now writing this...im so happy!

2007-01-31 02:50:57 · 20 answers · asked by halbeast 2

2007-01-31 02:44:24 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q: What's the difference between a man and a yogurt?

A: A yogurt has culture

An atheist was walking through the woods one day, admiring all that evolution had created.

"What majestic trees! What a powerful river! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself.

As he was walking beside a river, he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw an 8-foot grizzly bear beginning to charge toward him.

He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing rapidly.

Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. He looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart pounding in his chest, he tried to run even faster.

But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him.

"OH MY GOD! ..." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving ...

As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came from all around, "You Deny My Existence For All These Years, Teach Others That I Do Not Exist; And Even Credit Creation To Some Cosmic Accident. Do You Expect Me To Help You Out Of This Predicament? Am I To Count You As A Believer???"

Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"

"Very Well," said The Voice. The light went out. The river ran. The sounds of the forest resumed.

... and the bear dropped down on his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive"

2007-01-31 02:44:14 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

this picture puzzle is driving me crazy.
____
O
YELL

Anyone know what it is?

2007-01-31 02:42:39 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here legally, but they hang around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years.

Now, compare that to Blockbuster: you’re two days late with a video and these people are all over you.

Let’s put Blockbuster in charge of immigration!

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I’ve come to realize it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments. Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged and filed suit. Yet, the NIH presented some very good reasons for the switch.

1. The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats. This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted. No such attachment could form for a lawyer.

2. Lawyers breed faster and are in much greater supply.

3. Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies won't jump all over you no matter what you're studying.

4. There are some things even a rat won't do.

2007-01-31 02:41:01 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

its got one eye and can not see.

2007-01-31 02:38:48 · 8 answers · asked by bette69 5