Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

Riddle:

Why is a raven like a writing desk?

2007-01-31 06:46:31 · 10 answers · asked by UndeadNitemare 2

A man and his son were traveling to the bank one Saturday morning when they stopped at a corner. The little boy hearing a "Beep..Beep..Beep" and ask his dad where the sound was coming from.

His dad replied that the sound was comming from a near by dump truck that was backing up and that sound was to warn people behind it to get out of the way.

When they arrived at the bank the lines were long (as usual) and so they got into one of the lines behind a rather large lady.

All of a sudden another man's beeper started to go off and the little boy with fear in his eyes said "Look out dad she's backing up!"

2007-01-31 06:44:34 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-31 06:38:29 · 12 answers · asked by b. vasquez 1

Tech support 2

Customer: "I got this problem. You people sent me this install disk and now my A: drive won't work."
Tech Support: "Your A drive won't work?"
Customer: "That's what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it got stuck in my drive, now it won't work at all."
Tech Support: "Did it not install properly? What kind of error messages did you get?"
Customer: "I didn't get any error message. The disk got stuck in the drive and wouldn't come out. So I got these pliers and tried to get it out. That didn't work either."
Tech Support: "You did what sir?"
Customer: "I got these pliers, and tried to get the disk out, but it wouldn't budge. I just ended up cracking the plastic stuff a bit."
Tech Support: "I don't understand sir, did you push the eject button?"
Customer: "No, so then I got a stick of butter and melted it and used a turkey baster and put the butter in the drive, around the disk, and that got it loose. Then I used the pliers and it came out fine. I can't believe you would send me a disk that was broke and defective."
Tech Support: "Let me get this clear. You put melted butter in your A: drive and used pliers to pull the disk out?"


At this point, I put the call on the speaker phone and motioned at the other techs to listen in.


Tech Support: "Just so I am absolutely clear on this, can you repeat what you just said?"
Customer: "I said I put butter in my A: drive to get your crappy disk out, then I had to use pliers to pull it out."
Tech Support: "Did you push that little button that was sticking out when the disk was in the drive, you know, the thing called the disk eject button?"


Silence.


Tech Support: "Sir?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "Sir, did you push the eject button?"
Customer: "No, but you people are going to fix my computer, or I am going to sue you for breaking my computer?"
Tech Support: "Let me get this straight. You are going to sue our company because you put the disk in the A: drive, didn't follow the instructions we sent you, didn't actually seek professional advice, didn't consult your user's manual on how to use your computer properly, instead proceeding to pour butter into the drive and physically rip the disk out?"


Customer: "Ummmm."
Tech Support: "Do you really think you stand a chance, since we do record every call and have it on tape?"
Customer: (now rather humbled) "But you're supposed to help!"
Tech Support: "I am sorry sir, but there is nothing we can do for you. Have a nice day."

2007-01-31 06:37:37 · 16 answers · asked by Tink 5

It's simple whoever can make me laugh the most gets 10 easy points simple isen't it?

2007-01-31 06:37:35 · 5 answers · asked by Wes 2

some months have 31 days,
some have 30,
how many have 28 days?

its quite easy!!

2007-01-31 06:35:43 · 37 answers · asked by Anonymous

An eye-doctor was having his 40th birthday, and gathered lots of friends and family in his house. His wife had made him a surprise cake, and led her husband blindfolded to a table where the cake was placed.
Eagerly the doctor removed the blindfold and looked down on the cake. He immediately burst into a crazed laughter, for there in front of him was a huge cake, with 40 marzipan eyes!
The guests asked him why he laughed, and after some minutes of laughing and wiping his eyes, the doctor said: "I'm just thinking of my buddy who will be 50 next week, who is a gynaecologist!"

2007-01-31 06:31:36 · 14 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

Help Desk Stories #1



Customer: "I'm having a problem installing your software. I've got a fairly old computer, and when I type 'INSTALL', all it says is 'Bad command or file name'."
Tech Support: "Ok, check the directory of the A: drive-go to A:\ and type 'dir'."
Customer reads off a list of file names, including 'INSTALL.EXE'.
Tech Support: "All right, the correct file is there. Type 'INSTALL' again."
Customer: "Ok." (pause) "Still says 'Bad command or file name'."
Tech Support: "Hmmm. The file's there in the correct place-it can't help but do something. Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the Enter key?"
Customer: "Yes, let me try it again." (pause) "Nope, still 'Bad command or file name'."
Tech Support: (now really confused) "Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the key that says 'Enter'?"
Customer: "Well, yeah. Although my 'N' key is stuck, so I'm using the 'M' key...does that matter?

2007-01-31 06:29:13 · 19 answers · asked by Tink 5

Why his eldest sister is called whistling breeze and his middle brother is called autumn forest. "Well son" says the heavily beaded old boiler, "That is because when I was having your sister the first thing I noticed was a sweet breeze whistling sweet nothings in my ear, and then when I was having your brother I looked out the window and became aware of the beautiful colours of autumn within the trees" The child raised an eyebrow but before he could speak she says "Honestly two dogs f cking you really have to stop this jealousy thing".

2007-01-31 06:26:56 · 2 answers · asked by veryitchycrack v 2

RACEFINSIH

What is the phrase? I can't figure it out!!!

2007-01-31 06:02:00 · 9 answers · asked by darb_cu 3

I've just come back from the shops to find 2 fire engines and about 12 crew all staning around my front door talking to my neighbours!

I popped out to the shop while my spuds cooked and the smoke alarm went off (bloody thing goes off when you make a salad!) A neighbour called the fire brigade and they trooped through next doors house to get in the back and turn the oven off.

Well, I've just had a stern telling off and the missus isn't too pleased - the neighbours loved it though - it was a real event! All the kids were out, looking at the fire engine, having a good look - and there's me - the prize numpty!

Please make me feel better - whats your most embarrassing public humiliation?????

2007-01-31 05:54:26 · 13 answers · asked by The Wandering Blade 4

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her
girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy,
middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not
take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked
directly toward her. (As All men will.) Before she could offer her
apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her,
"I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no
matter how kinky, for $20.00......
on one condition"

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition Was. The man
replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three
words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, And then slowly
removed a $20 bill from her purse, Which she pressed into the man's
hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and
slowly And meaningfully said....

"Clean my house."

(YOU GO, GIRL!)

2007-01-31 05:26:14 · 13 answers · asked by Jodi C 5

An elderly couple go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"
The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an
elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."
He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them £50 and he says goodbye. The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex
therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the
doctor says, “I’m sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"
The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges £98. The Hilton charges £139.
We do it here for£50, and I get £43 back from the health insurance company.

2007-01-31 05:19:50 · 14 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

So the doc fills 1 cup with pure water and the second with whisky. He drops a worm in the cup of water and lets it swim for a while. He then puts the worm in the Whisky. The worm is dead in seconds. The doc asks him if he learned anything. The husband replies: "Yea, if I drink Whisky, I won't get worms...Thanks doc, have a nice day"!

2007-01-31 05:16:34 · 14 answers · asked by eventhorizon 2

and would he or she answer?
or just tell me

2007-01-31 05:13:37 · 12 answers · asked by Pre 2 3

please do tell

2007-01-31 05:12:17 · 4 answers · asked by Pre 2 3

Blue
Egg
Cotton
Interesting
Cabin
Crater
Hobbit
Eagle
Alpine
Greenpeace
Aurora
Double
Earing
UFO
Instincts
Laxative
Elephant

This is for fun... Please keep it clean Have fun...

2007-01-31 05:04:24 · 10 answers · asked by nmd_elkie 3

did you hear about the two lepers playing cards?

When one threw his hand in, the other one laughed his head off...

2007-01-31 05:02:35 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Hillary told Bill she wished she had bigger boobs and then maybe he would like her more.

Bill told Hillary.......you want bigger boobs......just take some toilet tissue and rub it between you cleavage for about two years and soon they be Dolly Parton size.

Hillary says you sure that will work. Bill says "It worked on your (A)ss didn't it". He is sleeping alone again.

2007-01-31 04:53:49 · 4 answers · asked by Ted 2

when im mad you hear me roar
when im sad you see me cry
when im happy you see me shine
when im sleepy you see me in my pajamas!

What am I?
im not a person but im given human characteristics. Explain why i would roar,cry and so on for 10 points!!!

2007-01-31 04:50:18 · 8 answers · asked by Ms.J 2

Ode Tae A F**t

Oh what a sleekit horrible beastie
Lurks in your belly efter the feastie
Just as ye sit doon among yer kin
There sterts to stir an enormous wind
The neeps and tatties and mushy peas
Stert workin like a gentle breeze
But soon the puddin wi the sauncie face
Will have ye blawin all ower the place

Nae matter whit the hell ye dae
A'body's gonnae hiv tae pay
Even if ye try tae stifle
It's like a bullet oot a rifle
Hawd yer bum tight tae the chair
Tae try and stop the leakin air
Shifty yersel fae cheek tae cheek
Prae tae God it doesnae reek

But aw yer efforts go assunder
Oot it comes like a clap o thunder
Ricochets aroon the room
Michty me a sonic boom
God almighty it fairly reeks
Hope I huvnae s**t my breeks
Tae the bog I better scurry
Aw whit the hell it's no ma worry

A'body roon aboot me chokin
Wan or two are nearly bokin
I'll feel better for a while
Cannae help but raise a smile
Wiz him! I shout with accusin glower
Alas too late, he's just keeled ower
Ye dirty bu**er they shout and stare
A dinnae feel welcome any mair

Where e'ere ye go let yer wind gan’ free
Sounds like just the job fur me
Whit a fuss at rabbie's party
Ower the sake o one wee f**ty.

2007-01-31 04:37:14 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-31 04:36:16 · 14 answers · asked by josh u 2

A class of children are due to have a maths exam. The day before the exam, their teacher gives them a blanc piece of paper and says that whatever they can fit on the piece of paper they can bring into the exam tommorow. The next day, the children all come in with notes written all over their paper. Except for one boy. Behind this boy comes a man.

The teacher goes to the boy and says, "Why have you not written anything on this piece of paper i gave you and do you know this man?"
The boy says, "This man is my friend and a proffesional mathamatition."
The teacher says,"What is he doing here, you cant use him thats cheating."
The boy says," But Sir, you said we could bring into the exam whatever fits onto this piece of paper, and he fits."
The boy puts his piece of paper on the floor and the strange mathamatition stands on it and fits.

2007-01-31 04:32:02 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

OK, so I am going back to college....and I need some good pranks. My last semester was pretty weak. So if you could give me your explanation of it and list the stuff you used that would be great. Oh, and I am going to be rooming with 7 other guys (4 in each section of the dorm room).

2007-01-31 04:28:26 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-31 04:27:14 · 6 answers · asked by ♥ĴỤiiČ¥♥ 5

There was this Chinese couple that had a baby with blonde hair & blue eyes.
There last names were Wong.
They was not sure what to name the baby so they named the baby something.
Something Wong

2007-01-31 04:27:09 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-31 04:26:46 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

..they are both made out of plastic and little kids turn them on

2007-01-31 04:21:19 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

If you were travelling down the four-lanes in a canoe and your front tire fell off, how many pancakes would it take to cover a doghouse?

2007-01-31 04:20:11 · 7 answers · asked by Vanimal 1

2007-01-31 04:19:12 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous