Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

which same 7 letter word will fill in the gaps?

2007-01-31 11:28:49 · 10 answers · asked by Rod Stewart 5

This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.??
When she went before the judge he asked her,
"What did you steal?"? She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches
and she replied that she was hungry.?? The judge then asked her
how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.

The judge then said, "I will then give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the
woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say
something.? The judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."?....................tell me what this means please.

2007-01-31 11:25:34 · 27 answers · asked by BR!@NN@ M@R!3 2

what was the first thing the guy said when he walked into a bar?
1st one to get it rite gets 10 points!! :)

2007-01-31 11:19:21 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Lucy was in medical school. She started tlking to Mr. Cad Aver about her upcoming assignment. She asked for some advice on how to do a surgery and he didn't talk to her. It's a good thing he didn't. Why is this good?

2007-01-31 11:17:46 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

I come once in a thousand years, but 4 times every week. I never come in a day, and not in a month, but i come 3 times in three years. What am I???

First person to get it right gets 10pts.

2007-01-31 11:17:22 · 10 answers · asked by STrawberry 3

An older man was found murdered on a Sunday morning. His wife instantly called the police. The police questioned the wife and staff and got these alibis:
The Wife said she was sleeping.
The Cook was cooking breakfast.
The Gardener was picking vegetables.
The Maid was getting the mail.
The Butler was cleaning the closet.

The police immediately arrested the murderer. Who did it and how did they know?

2007-01-31 11:04:49 · 41 answers · asked by xrandomnessx 2

The following number is the only one of its kind: 8 549 176 320
Can you figure out what is so special about it?

2007-01-31 10:56:53 · 7 answers · asked by Chris 5

a guy sticks his head round the door of the barbers shop and asks the barber, how long before i can get a haircut? the barber looks round at his busy shop and says ,about two hours ,ok says the guy and walks out.
A week later the same guy looks in the barbers again and asks, how long before I can get my hair cut? ,the barber looks at his shop clients and says, about an hour and a half.OK says the guy and he goes away.
Aweek later he's there again, how long before I can have a haircut? the barber says ,about an hour. OK says the guy and off he goes again. the barber says to his mate ,Bill, follow that guy will you and see where he goes . 10 minutes later Bill returns. where did he go ,says the barber. Bill replies ,to your house!

2007-01-31 10:56:17 · 13 answers · asked by peter d 2

First-year students at medical school are receiving their first anatomy class with a dead humun body.
They gather around the surgery table with the body covered by a white sheet.
The Professor says, "In medicine, you need two qualities. The first is that you must not be disturbed by anything involving the human body."
As an example the professor pulls back the sheet, sticks his finger in the ar*e of the corpse, withdraws it and sucks his finger in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he says.
The students hesitate, but eventually take turns sticking a finger in the ar*e of the dead body and then sucking on it.

When everyone had finished, the Professor says, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention..." :)

2007-01-31 10:56:08 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

I Need A good Yo mamma joke Please

2007-01-31 10:55:04 · 46 answers · asked by ? 1

Forward I am heavy, backwards I am not. What am I?....first person to get the right answer gets 10 points

2007-01-31 10:52:36 · 12 answers · asked by OMG ...really.? 5

a frog hopped on to a princess's lap and said "Elegant Lady I was once a handsome prince and an evil witch cast a spell on me, One kiss from you and i will turn back into the dapper prince i once was and then my sweet we can marry and set up house keeping with my Mother in your Castle where you can satisfy my needs, prepare and serve my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and be forever greatful and happy doing so,
That night as the Princess dined sumptuously on lightly sauteed frogs legs
seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce she chuckled and thought to herself

I dont F.U.K.C.I.N.G think so

2007-01-31 10:47:51 · 3 answers · asked by chris w. 7

2007-01-31 10:40:39 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

I bite but have no teeth. You can hear me but I don't have a voice. You can feel me but I don't have a body.

2007-01-31 10:30:55 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

THE SUPERBOWL


A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down,
a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to
him.
"No," he says, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would
have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event
in the world, and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to
come with my wife, but she passed away.
This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we
got married in 1967."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the
seat?"
The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."

2007-01-31 10:18:26 · 17 answers · asked by shannonlee05@sbcglobal.net 6

walking around the earth !! one says to the other , bet i know where we are ??
go on then tell me !! the first giant puts his hand down ,has a feel we are in the usa !!! how do you know that ??
empire state building !! ohhhh
3 steps later hand down "sydney"australia !!! how did you know that???
opera house!!!!
ohhhh
5 steps ,hand down "paris"france!!!! how did you know that????
eiffell tower
2 steps, hand down "hackney" england!!!! how did you know that??
some pr@ts just stole my watch

2007-01-31 10:01:38 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Russia and the US were at war. Then the Russians started a special project. They bred together the toughest, meanest, biggest Rott-Weiler with the toughest, meanest, biggest Pit-Bull they could find. They re-bred over and over for 20 whole years, till finally, they got a heavy dog. It was 4.6 feet high, weighed over 250 pounds, had teeth that ripped up an iron bar, fangs 3 and 1/2 inches long, and claws 6 inches long. They kept it in a cage with steel bars 2 feet thick, 20 men to guard the dog, and all armed. no one could go with 18 feet of the cage.

That year, the Russians and Americans met. The Russians brought their dog, and suprisingly, the Americans brought one too. it was a cage only one foot high, and when they opened it, out came a VERY VERY long Dachsund. The Russians almost felt sorry. Then they released their dog. but suddenly, an amazing thing happened! The DACHSUND actually SWALLOWED their dog!!!!

2007-01-31 09:48:48 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy goes to a tattoo parlour and asked the artist to tattoo a $100 bill on his private.

Later he goes home and shows his wife the tattoo.

"But why did you put it there?" asks the wife.

"Whenever you feel like blowing a $100 bill in the mall, you can stay home now and do it," he answered.

2007-01-31 09:41:28 · 13 answers · asked by realstyles2 3

A man visited a friend one evening and saw him watching a wedding video, running backwards.

"Is something wrong with your player?" asked the visitor.

"No. I like to watch my wedding video running backwards so I can see myself walking out of the church a free man."

2007-01-31 09:36:09 · 8 answers · asked by realstyles2 3

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Il'l tell you tomorrow !

2007-01-31 09:31:28 · 21 answers · asked by trusco 1

How many calories do we burn during sex
The diet literature explains calories burned while jogging, playing tennis or golfing, but similar information concerning sexual activity has, until now, been unavailable.

Yet, a survey of 206,000,000 people indicated that 96% devote more time and effort to sex than jogging, tennis, or golf, and we felt that the time was right for a new type of sex manual.

EXAMPLES:

1 hr. intensive foreplay Burns Off:
1 slice (large) chocolate cake.

25 min. nonstop lovemaking Burns Off:
2 slices of pizza with cheese & mushrooms.

53 min. of kissing partner Burns Off:
1 cheeseburger with 14 french fries.

53 minutes kissing yourself Burns Off: Christmas turkey with all the trimmings.

PREPARING THE BEDROOM

Includes setting the snooze alarm and dimming the lights: 42 (calories burned)

ADDITIONAL LAST MINUTE PREPARATIONS
Hiding the sex manual: 3

Decanting the wine: 4

Without a corkscrew: 268

MAKING THE FIRST MOVE

If you are shy: 15

If you are anxious: 43

If you beg: 100

SEDUCING THE PARTNER

If you are rich (cash): 5

If you are rich (credit card): 15

If you are poor: 200

INITIAL BODY CONTACT

Fumbling: 4

Casually rummaging around: 7

Seriously rummaging around: 42

REMOVING CLOTHES

With partner's consent: 12

Without partner's consent: 187

Removing socks by violently shaking feet: 418

AROUSAL AND STIMULATION

Blowing in partner's ear: 15

Blowing in your own ear: 2,512

DISAPPOINTMENT (after seeing partner undressed

Partner looks better with clothes on: 10

Partner wears corrective underwear: 15

Partner turns out to be of wrong sex: 100

You don't mind: 0.25

Partner wearing elevated socks: 50

DOING IT FOR THE FIRST TIME

Fumbling around: 4

Desperately trying to put something somewhere: 18

Completely missing: 126

POSITIONS

Italian (man on top; woman on bottom): 26

German (facing each other, but in different beds): 48

English (woman on top; man hiding): 15

American (both on top): 1,243

AFFLICTIONS

Leg cramp: 36

Making believe you don't have a leg cramp: 612

Sneezing (during intercourse): 7

Sneezing (during orgasm): 588

ASSORTED ACCIDENTS

Toupee slips off (if your partner knew you wore one): 5

Toupee slips off (if partner didn't know): 72

Extinguishing cigarette (in ashtray): 1

Extinguishing cigarette (in mattress): 17

Extinguishing cigarette (in partner's leg): 133

Calling your partner the wrong name: 50

ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE

Shoes flew off: 15

Expression didn't change: 0.5

Room turned purple: 4

Face turned purple: 78

Earth moved: 30

If Earth actually moved: 1,234,588

Moaning in Turkish: 506

THINGS OFTEN SAID AFTER SEX

"I am so grateful": 15

"It must have been something we ate": 15

"Was it good for you?": 15

"Are you finished?": 15

TRYING AGAIN

If woman is ready: 5

If man is not: 563

ROLLING OVER AND GOING TO SLEEP

After sex: 18

During sex: 546

While parking car: 212

SLEEP

Real: 5

Faked (a good way to avoid sex-craved partner): 74

TAKING A BATH TOGETHER

In a bath: 5

In a sink: 150

In a jacuzzi: 15,269

MAKING THE BED

With partner still in it: 44 (indicates either a neatness obsession, a severe optic disorder, or a partner who is very tired).

With you still in it: 97 (suggests extreme withdrawal and profound dissatisfaction)

KEEPING A JOURNAL

Maintaining your own record of sexual activity will be helpful for keeping track of weight loss. You needn't go into detail, just list the activity and the number of calories burned.

A typical entry in a woman's journal (for example) for a pleasant low-key sexual experience might read as follows:

December 1st: Sex with Harold

Explaining how: 12

Suggesting something different: 3

Calming terrified Harold: 40

Encouraging him to at least take off his socks: 8

Foreplay (a little of this; a little of that): 56

Intercourse (standing position): 22

Intercourse (holding Harold up): 10

Intercourse (urging him on): 5

Orgasm: not sure

Thanking Harold: 3

Waving bye-bye: 1

Total time: six minutes (taxi waiting)

Total calories burned: 160

2007-01-31 09:25:19 · 20 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

2007-01-31 09:25:18 · 7 answers · asked by Tiffany 3

10 points to the one who gets this riddle CORRECT or closest answer!!!?
An old veteran of World War 2 wakes up in an deserted ship. He does not know how he got there or why he is there. He franticly searches for other people on the ship. After searching, he finds nobody. After hours of crying, and thinking about starving to death, he remembers something his father told him. He puts on smile on his face and says silently, " thanks dad". The next day he is back home with his family having a great time. HOW DID HE ESCAPE!!!...... 10 points to the correct or closest to the correct answer. .....
.......
.........
START THINKING!!!!

2007-01-31 09:22:39 · 26 answers · asked by mr. fancy pants 3

2007-01-31 09:22:25 · 28 answers · asked by boo 1

A Blonde Year...

January:Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February:Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels... Hello!!!...bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March:Got really excited...finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months...box said "2-4 years!"

April:Trapped on escalator for hours... power went out!!!

May:Tried to make Kool-Aid...wrong instructions...8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June:Tried to go water skiing...couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July:Lost breast stroke swimming competition...learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August:Got locked out of my car in rain storm...car swamped because soft-top was open.

September:The capital of California is "C"...isn't it???

October:Hate M & M's...they are so hard to peel.

November:Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days... instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!

December:Couldn't call 911... I don't have an 11 key :(

2007-01-31 09:19:39 · 23 answers · asked by IceyFlame 4

Actual School Excuse Notes

These are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country:

1) My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

2) Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

3) Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.

4) Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

5) Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6) John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7) Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8) Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9) Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10) Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowel

2007-01-31 09:17:29 · 14 answers · asked by tuxgal3 5

Math Lesson
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."

2007-01-31 09:16:11 · 28 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

Loving on the Lawn
A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighbourhood.

Suddenly he realised there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house.

He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was.

"This is a brothel", replied the madam.

"Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man.

"Oh, we're having a yard sale today."

2007-01-31 09:13:11 · 20 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

How can you tell if you're making love to a teacher,a nurse or an airline stewardess?

A teacher says we got to do this over and over again til we get it right.

A nurse says hold still this won't hurt a bit.

And a airline stewardness says put this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally.

2007-01-31 09:09:26 · 20 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

2007-01-31 09:07:35 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous