Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

2006-09-30 23:56:47 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

The man is told by the doctor to sit down for some bad news.
"You're very ill", says the doc. "Your illness is so rare, we've had to give it a name. G.A.S.H.".
"GASH?", the man says.
"Yes. It a sort of mixture of Gonorhea, Aids, Syphilis, and Herpes. Very rare"
"What are you going to do about it", the man asks.
"We're going to put you in a private room at the hospital, while we conduct more tests", the doc says. "Meanwhile we'll be feeding you with ryvita biscuits and cheese slices"
"Will this cure me"? said the man, hopefully.
"No", says the doc. "But it's all we can squeeze under the door"!!!!!!!!!!

2006-09-30 23:47:23 · 11 answers · asked by robert120513 5

Four older ladies are sitting around playing bridge.

The 1st lady says, "You know girls, I have known you all a long
time and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a
kleptomaniac. But, don't worry, I have never stolen from you and I
never will; we have been friends for too long."
The 2nd lady says, "Well, since we are having true confessions
here let me tell u all, I am a Nymphomaniac. But don't worry, I have never made a play for your husbands and never will; we have been friends for too long."
"Well," says the3rd lady, "I, too, must confess something. I am a
Lesbian. But do not worry, I will not bother you. You are not my
type"
The 4th lady stands up, says, "I have a confession to make also. I
am an uncontrollable gossip, and I have some phone calls to make!"

2006-09-30 23:38:10 · 25 answers · asked by Pd 6

3 men want a room at the hotel. the manager says there is only one, which they can share if they wish. The charge is £30. So the men give 10 pounds each, and take the room. Half an hour later, the manager realises he has overcharged for the room. So he sends the page boy up with 5 one pound coins. "The room is £25", he says. "Give them their change".
Page boy decides to steal a couple of the coins, giving the men £3. This they share.
They each take £1 back. Making a total of £27 paid for the room. (3 x £9 of course).
The boy had £2. That makes £29 in total. Where's the other pound gone??.

2006-09-30 23:36:02 · 6 answers · asked by robert120513 5

2006-09-30 23:33:57 · 10 answers · asked by ~electra~ 4

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

2006-09-30 23:13:51 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A judge has to convict two drug addicts but it is late on a Friday and he can’t be bothered.
So he says to them “listen guys, come back on Monday, get some other people off drugs &I’ll let you walk free.”
The two drug addicts nod and leave.
On Monday the judge asks the first guy
’”How many people did you get off drugs?”
The guy says “4 sir” the judge asks him how & the guy replies
“I drew 2circles, one was massive and the other was small,
I pointed at the big one & said this is the size of your brain before you do drugs and then I pointed to the small circle & said,
“This is the size of your brain after you’ve taken drugs”
The judge is very impressed & says,
“Very well I will let you leave without punishment.”
He turns to the second guy and asks him how many people he got off drugs
“152” replies the guy. The judge asks him how. “
Oh it was very simple” he replies
“ I used the circle method too only I pointed to the tiny circle and said this is the size of your @sshole before you go to prison and…’

2006-09-30 23:08:36 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Hint- about someone and something..

2006-09-30 23:02:34 · 7 answers · asked by ketty n 1

A prostitute washes her crack and sells it again!

2006-09-30 22:55:09 · 15 answers · asked by livachic2005 4

1....Q. Is it ok for a woman to have child after 35 ?
A. no, 35 are more than sufficient.

2.... Husband // our son has inhertied my wisdom.
Wife // true mine is still with me.

3... Blonde knocked door of Geoge Bush.
Bush shouted " who is it?" .. the Blonde said ' It"s me ?"
" Me who ? "
"You silly boy, you are george Bush don't you know."

4 . Doris was continuousy asked by BF the he would like to come to her house when nobody is around. Once Doris said come at midnight today there would be nobody at my home. BF reached at midnight.Doris was right , the door was locked there was nobody home !!!

5... What is common between faithful Husband and Osama Bin Laden ?
Both are Untraceable.

6... When a married couple Smita and Suresh were coming out of s film show
one girl hugged Suresh. No sooner she left Smita asked “ who was that B**** ? ” Surersh said “You ladies are so much like each other- she too will ask me same question.

2006-09-30 22:51:22 · 11 answers · asked by shribharatpshubh 3

A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom.

When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well.

Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's THAT?", pointing to a small part of his anatomy.

He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."

And she, in amazement asked, "Is that all we have left?"

2006-09-30 22:39:07 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads 'low bridge ahead.'

Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

2006-09-30 22:35:43 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

I got asked this riddle and want to know what type of room it is...the answers are much appreciated. Thanks!

2006-09-30 22:35:37 · 20 answers · asked by mel_b_g 1

c if u can Answer....
A donkey is been tied with a tree by a rope measuring 4m, and 1m ahead is the food he wants to eat.....so the food is at the distance of 5m but his rope is only 4m and it is tied very tightly with a rope...how he will eat that....??? scroll down for answer...
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........what?? cmon think??? why looking for answer???
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.................................cmon, dont give up so soon...
.....................................................
............................................................
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..............................................................gave UP???
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................are u sure u gave up??
one more time i m asking u are u sure u gave up???
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THE DONKEY ALSO GAVE UP!!!! lolzz

2006-09-30 22:30:16 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

a terrible sand storm hit. It lasted for 6 hours & when it finally cleared they were horrified to see their camel was dead. They had no food or water & the situation looked hopeless. The Priest turned to the Nun and said
"Sister, seeing as we are going to die out here, can you grant me one wish?"
The Nun said "Yes Father, what is your final wish?"
"In all my years in the church I’ve never seen a pair of breasts before."
The Nun was a bit shocked but lifted her robes to show off her **** in all their glory. The Priest smiled & said "Thank you Sister."
Then the Nun turned to the Priest and said
"Father, in all my years in the church I have never seen a man’s ’thingy’ before, show me?"
The priest happily agreed & got his junk out. The Nun studied it intensely.
The Priest had his eyes closed & was rising to attention as the Nun touched it with fascination.
The Priest said with a smile on his face, "Sister, do you know that when it’s placed in a certain ’area’ it can give life?"
The Nun looked at him and replied

"WELL WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR !!! “
“
STICK IT UP THE CAMELS @SS AND LETS GET THE F#CK OUTTA HERE!!!!"

2006-09-30 22:10:48 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

The team's Coach noticed that his star player, Wayne, had so many women hanging around that he couldn't possibly handle all of them.

So one day, after practice, the coach asked Wayne, "Just what the hell is your secret with the women?"

So Wayne replies, "Well, Coach, whenever I'm about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. That numbs
it and I can screw them forever!"

The coach decided that this was a good idea so one day he left training early.

When he got home he heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he tore off his clothes and started banging it on the dresser.

His wife stuck her head out of the shower and said, "Is that you Wayne?"

2006-09-30 22:08:30 · 10 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave. If the chocolate melts you will know that the microwaves are escaping and it is time to have the oven serviced.

A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent ink pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

High blood pressure sufferers: Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Olympic athletes. Conceal the fact that you have taken performance enhancing drugs by simply running a little slower and letting someone else win.

Heavy smokers: Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your ceiling.

Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.

X File fans: Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly maps when visiting the Sahara desert.

2006-09-30 22:04:17 · 8 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

This lady used to go to a shop at market for purchase Long Island duck at all times, one day she did her usual routine and stop at that store to buy a Long Island duck, she noticed a new owner operating the store so she ask him for a Long Island duck, the man went to the back and grab a duck and give it to her, she toke the duck, put's her finger in the ducks butt and says, excuse me sir this isn’t a Long Island duck this is a new jersey duck, so the man went back and grab another duck, again doing the finger inspection she said this isn’t in Long Island duck this is a New York duck, the man looked angry grabs another one and gives it to her, she did the inspection and said, finally you got it right! By the way you look new here, where you from? The man still angry looks at her, turns around, put's he's pants down and said, “listen lady if you're smart, check & find out yours self”.

2006-09-30 21:46:28 · 10 answers · asked by Pd 6

2006-09-30 21:03:31 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-30 20:54:15 · 1 answers · asked by golaicecream 2

fill in the blank. If a person has 2 or more guesses, then i will only take their first guess.

wild _______

2006-09-30 20:16:29 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

which number am i thinking of between 1 and 20. 1st correct (or the closest to the number on closing) wins 10 points.

2006-09-30 20:14:07 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Pick a Colour, the person choosing the same colour i like wins 10.
If a person has 2 or more guesses, then i will only take their first guess.

2006-09-30 20:11:55 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walks into his dark closet to get a pair of socks. He has 17 pairs of black socks and 17 pairs of navy blue socks. All the socks are mixed together in the same tub and in the dark he can't tell the difference between the colors. What is the minimum number of socks he must take in order to get a matching pair?

10 points to the first one who answers correctly.

2006-09-30 19:43:29 · 17 answers · asked by Margie 2

Last time, we saw this following riddle:

Why did the church of the athethists closed down?
A: There was no prophet! :)

Heh. And here is today's riddle:

What can the frog do when his car breaks down?

Have fun!

2006-09-30 19:32:48 · 16 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

Kelly limps into his favorite pub...
My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.
"I got in a tiff with RILEY", whispered Kelly to the beertender.
"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said surprised.
"He must have had something in his hand."
"Yeah” Kelly said. "A shovel it was."
"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"
"Aye, I had - MRS. RILEY'S right breast." Kelly said.
"And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"
*********
A man walks into the bar and orders 2 shots of whiskey and the man drinks one and pours the other shot in his hand, the man did this 3 times before the bartender finally asks him ----why is it you drink 1 shot and pour the other in your hand.
The man replies, I'm getting my girl friend drunk!

2006-09-30 19:32:06 · 17 answers · asked by Pd 6

before the king died, he told the people that they must vote from one of his two children who the new king will be. one of his children is smart and loved by the people and the other one ishated by the people yet the people still voted him. why is this so??? can you answer this???

2006-09-30 19:23:05 · 9 answers · asked by steffany_:D 1

1)"Mommy,why are we pushing the car off the cliff?" Mom,"Shhhh! You'll wake your father!"
2)"Mommy, why is Daddy running in zigzags?" Mom,"Just keep shooting!"
3)"Mommy,Daddy's on fire!" Mom,"I'll go get the marhmellows!"
4)"Mommy,Daddy's pounding on the roof!" Mom,"I'll just have to drive faster!"
5)"Mommy,when are we gonna have Grandma for dinner?" Mom,"Slow down honey, we haven't finished eating your father yet!"
6)"Mommy Mommy,I think Daddy's dying!" Mom,"Ooh, I want front row seats for this!"
7)"Mommy,where's Spot?" Mom,"Oh, I'm sorry honey,he died so I burried him in the yard." "But Mommy, I wanted to do that!"
8)"Mommy, I wanna play with Spot." Mom,"But honey,this is the fifth time this week that we dug him up!"
9)"Mommy,why did daddy leave us?" Mom,"Because you ask too many questions!"
10)"Mommy,why are we going to the dog pound?" Mom,"Because theorphanage won't take you!"

"Mommy, did you like all the jokes?"
Well you heard her question! Answer It!
THANKS!

2006-09-30 18:50:51 · 23 answers · asked by Chrisie 1

i want to know where is mind in our body. i have heard about mind several times but am unknown about it's location!

2006-09-30 18:43:32 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

hide his foodstamps under his work boots...... Someone told me this racist joke today, should i be ofended?

2006-09-30 18:23:21 · 21 answers · asked by anonbealove 3