Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man,
"This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill."
The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.
"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house," the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house.
Then he hands two bullets to the man and says,
"Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's penis off." The man takes another look through the scope and says,
"You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"

2006-09-29 20:04:15 · 16 answers · asked by Pd 6

what is the only animal that if you killed everyone of them on the planet today... you could just breed more the next day???

2006-09-29 20:02:08 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Srdr: I hav'nt slept all nite in the train.
Frnd: Y?
Srdr: Got upper berth.
Frnd: Y did'nt u Xchnged?
Srdr: oye, there was nobody 2 Xchng in the lower berth..

******************************...

Sardar tells a girl "Come 2 my house at nite, nobody will b
there............. Girl goes at night & realy nobody was there

******************************...
A Teacher lecturing on population - In India after Every 10 sec a
woman gives birth to a kid.
A Sardar stands up- we must find & stop her!.


******************************...

Sardar-why r all these people running?

Man- This is a race, the winner will get the cup.

Sardar-If only the winner will get the cup, why r others running?

******************************...

Sardar had twins; he named them Tin Martin.

Again had twins & named Peter & Repeater.

Again twins & named Max & Climax.

Again the same. Disgusted Sardar named them TIRED & RETIRED!

******************

2006-09-29 19:59:55 · 7 answers · asked by gunkedar 2

A guy is going on a bus and sees an extremely beautiful nun, he cant resist himself and walks up to her and asks her out, she gets disgusted and gets off at the next stop.
The bus driver(guy) saw all this and said"I know how bad u must feel, tell ya what ,that nun goes to corner of the park nearby evreyday to pray, shes highly religious "

So the next day the guy goes to the park dressed up as jesus,he sees the nun at the spot where the bus driver said she would be.
He goes over to her and says that he is Jesus and descend from heaven evry few centuries to get laid. The nun says that she would be honored to do so , but she says"there are a few conditions in order to remain pure and be able to enter heaven u can only do it in the a.s.s" The guy agrees, and they do it.
Afterwards the guy starts crying, he says"im sorry i have commited a grave sin, im not jesus, im in fact the guy on the bus"
The nun says"Dont Worry, I have sinned too, im actually the THE BUS DRIVER! "

2006-09-29 19:56:54 · 12 answers · asked by ssuasw 3

he man discovered COLOURS and invented PAINT,

The woman discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP.

The man discovered the WORD and invented CONVERSATION,

The woman discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP.

The man discovered GAMBLING and invented CARDS,

The woman discovered CARDS and invented WITCHERY.

The man discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD,

The woman discovered FOOD and invented DIET.

The man discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE,

The woman discovered LOVE and invented MARRIAGE.

The man discovered TRADING and invented MONEY,

The woman discovered MONEY and invented SHOPPING.

2006-09-29 19:54:00 · 4 answers · asked by gunkedar 2

hahahahahahahahahahahahaaha A boobie!!!

2006-09-29 19:41:51 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

I bet $50 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus can't play."
The people in the bar look around & someone gets out an old guitar.
The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes up the strings and starts playing the guitar. The octopus's owner pockets the fifty bucks.
Next guy comes up with a trumpet, octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks it's lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy hands over another fifty bucks to the octopus's owner.
The bar owner has been watching all this disappears, coming back a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm. He puts them on the bar & says to the guy,
"Now, if your octopus can play this I'll give you a hundred dollars!"
The octopus takes a look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, has another look from another angle. Puzzled, the octopus' owner comes up & says
"What are you pissing around for? Hurry up and play the damn thing!"
The octopus says "Play it? If I can work out how to get its pajamas’ off I'm gonna f#ck it!"

2006-09-29 19:37:06 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

it is something on earth. lolz

2006-09-29 19:33:03 · 6 answers · asked by LiTlE mIsSy 6

Last time, we saw this following riddle:

What is the opposite of the word "somersault"?
A: Winter pepper!

Heh. And here is today's riddle:

Why did the church of the athethists closed down?

Have fun! :)

2006-09-29 19:30:20 · 8 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

a man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said:
"if you kiss me , I'll turn into a beautiful princess ."
He bent over , picked up the frog , and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said:” if you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess,
I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero."
the man took the frog out of hic pocket , smiled at it , and returned it to his pocket .
the frog spoke up again and said :"if you kiss me and turn me into a beautiful princess,
I will be your loving companion for an entire week."
The man took the frog out of his pocket , smiled at it and return it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out and said:"if you kiss me and turn me into a beautiful princess,
I will stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the man took the frog out of his pocket , smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
Finally , the frog asked :"What is the matter? I’ve told you I'm a beau

2006-09-29 19:24:06 · 10 answers · asked by sea_vancouver 1

2006-09-29 19:23:22 · 8 answers · asked by lenziath 1

A man was praying to god. He said, "God?"
God responded, "Yes?"
And the Guy said, "Can I ask a question?"
"Go right ahead", God said.
"God, what is a million years to you?"
God said, "A million years to me is only a second."
The man wondered.
Then he asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"
God said, "A million dollars to me is a penny."
So the man said, "God can I have a penny?"
And God cheerfully said,
"Sure...just a second." lol

2006-09-29 19:12:06 · 17 answers · asked by avagrafic 1

What is greater than God, more evil than the devil, the poor have it , and the rich need it, and if you eat it you will die?

2006-09-29 18:55:38 · 16 answers · asked by king 2

recently broke up with my boyfriend and was hoping someone could tell me the most hilarious joke ever and make me laugh.

2006-09-29 18:53:46 · 8 answers · asked by SquirrelBait 5

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"

2006-09-29 18:38:03 · 25 answers · asked by Electric 7

Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation. One of them kept complaining of family problems.

Finally, the other man said: "You think you have family problems?
Listen to my situation.

A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter. We got married and got myself a stepdaughter.

Later, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter, my stepmother. And my father became my stepson. Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law.

Much later the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son. But he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grand-son. That made me the grand-father of my half-brother.

This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the Grandmother. This makes my father, the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife, I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew,
and
I am MY OWN
GRANDFATHER!

And you think you have FAMILY PROBLEMS ???"

2006-09-29 18:12:15 · 17 answers · asked by krish 1

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY
handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend
you"

She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as am and have
been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about
everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find
offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be
single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says,"Yes, I'm single and
Catholic!

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker
blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm
married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a
Halloween party."

2006-09-29 18:10:40 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

TWO NUNS
There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.....

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
]

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?!

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

I'll pray for you!

2006-09-29 18:08:45 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Because they read in the carton "Open here".

2006-09-29 17:59:23 · 12 answers · asked by GUAPOMOZZ 3

God, everyone here speaks Mexican.

2006-09-29 17:55:55 · 8 answers · asked by Meder 2

2006-09-29 17:55:31 · 17 answers · asked by the brain box 1

gifted

2006-09-29 17:43:50 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

she'll spend ages trying to find the eleven

2006-09-29 17:35:06 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

the results were negative

2006-09-29 17:20:17 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

They were all involved and Dick Cheney had the idea, I dont understand how they got away with it, and why the investigation is reopned. Al quida had nothing to do with it.

All the evidence is right here:


http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=76296974&blogID=160409200&MyToken=24515073-e2ba-4d6e-9a5d-5412ab2b46d8

2006-09-29 17:20:07 · 11 answers · asked by loosechange911.com 1

a blonde started the first day at her new high school with a pair of headphones on. her teacher, realizing how difficult it was starting a new school, did not want to embarrass the girl so said nothing. the next day, and the next day again, the blonde continued to wear the headphones. finally, the teacher asked her to take the headphones off. she refused. he let the issue rest for awhile, but as another week went on and she still wore them he called her aside after class and demanded that she remove them. she looked at him sullenly and said nothing. exasperated, he ripped them off, whereupon she immediately fell to the floor, dead. after the ambulance had taken her body away, he picked up the headphones to see what she had been listing to. he put them on and heard, 'breath in... breathe out... breathe in... breathe out.'

2006-09-29 17:06:24 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

I like
A termite walks into a bar and asks Is the bar tender here.
... get it bartender? Ha ha
ok, how about this one. A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says "why the long face?"
....get it? long face a horse Ha ha ha

2006-09-29 16:42:15 · 17 answers · asked by Parrot Bay 4

Anyone know the answer to Benders joke in Breakfast club?

2006-09-29 16:28:13 · 6 answers · asked by hansolo951 1

in case she locks her keys in the car

2006-09-29 16:19:50 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland.

When the man tells her it will be $300 She exclaims.."I don't have any money.. but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland !!!! "

To that the man asks "Anything"??

And the blonde says "yes.. Anything"!! With that, the man says "Follow me"

..He walks into the next room and tells her "Come in and close the door"..She does!!

He then says "Get on your knees"..She does!!..

He then says take down my zipper"..She does!!...

He then says "Go ahead... Take it out"

With that, she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands!!

The man then says "Well.. Go ahead"!!...

She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips..

She says, "HELLO, MOM"????

2006-09-29 16:13:48 · 19 answers · asked by Woody 3