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Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

[Selected]: All categories Entertainment & Music Jokes & Riddles

a guy walks into a bar, carrying three ducks. he puts them down on the bar, and begins chatting with the barman. the barman is experienced and, several hundred jokes later, has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn’t mention the ducks. after a couple of drinks, the guy goes to the bathroom, leaving the ducks alone with the barman. there is an awkward silence, so the barman tries to make some conversation.
'what’s your name?' he says to the first duck
'Greg, ‘says the duck
'how’s your day been?'
I’ve been in and out of puddles all day. had an excellent time.'
'oh. that’s nice, ‘says the barman. then he says to the second duck, ‘hi. and what’s your name?'
'dean,' is the answer
'so how’s your day been?'
'great. had a ball. been in and out of puddles all day.'
so the barman turns to the third duck and says 'so, what’s your name?'
'my name is puddles. and don’t bother asking about my day.'

2006-09-01 04:48:51 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

3

How many cockroaches does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

2006-09-01 04:47:36 · 14 answers · asked by Tiffy Triangles 2

run run as fast as you can...you can't catch me...

2006-09-01 04:43:07 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why can't most men cook in a kitchen, but give them a grill and they can cook anything?

2006-09-01 04:42:52 · 7 answers · asked by melbow35 2

2006-09-01 04:35:47 · 13 answers · asked by divine4ever 1

2

When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.




A woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, "Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?" He says, "Why? Are my eyes bulging?"




"I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine... I always get better with age. The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar."




Innkeeper: The room is $15. a night. It's $5. if you make your own bed.
Guest: I'll make my own bed.
Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.




In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.




Two woman were talking about the new hunk in the neighborhood. "But he acts so stupid," said one to the other. "I think he must have his brains between his legs." "Yeah," her friend sighed, "but I'd sure love to blow his mind."




Love thy neighbor all through the day... but first make sure her husband's away!



Wife: Give me some money. I want to buy a bra.
Husband: Why? You have nothing to put in it!
Wife: You wear shorts!

2006-09-01 04:24:32 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on the shoulder. This evidently pissed the driver off enough that he hung out his window and flipped the woman off. "Man, that guy is stupid" I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why.

I drive 38 miles each way, every day, to work. That's 76 miles, of these, 16 each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. So, if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane. That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 34 miles is not bumper-to-bumper. I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day. Statistically half of these are driven by females, that's 18,000. In any given group of females, 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period. That is 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding, that's 449. According to the National Institutes of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide, that's 98. And, 34% describe men as their biggest problem, that's 33. According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and the number is increasing.

That means, that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period, and is armed.

No matter what she does in traffic, I wouldn't DREAM of flipping her off.

2006-09-01 04:20:10 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

An expedition to Mars came to end. As the Russian crew scrambled aboard, one of the crew members turned out to be missing. After a while the missing man appeared running from behind a tree, followed by a young and pretty Martian woman.
"Why are you late?" the commander demanded.
"You see, I made acquaintance with this lady, and she told me how they make children here on Mars. It turned out they just push a button on a computer, and if they do it once, they get a boy, and if twice, then it's a girl. Then she asked me how we do it on the Earth. I showed her, and now she is running after me and shouting, "Please, sell me your computer."

2006-09-01 04:19:05 · 22 answers · asked by Pd 6

I was flying home from holidays in Portugal and had arranged to call my friend to let him know what time the plane would be landing. He was collecting me from the airport and wanted to be able to wait in the 10 minute pick up zone.

I phoned him and the next thing I knew I woke up in hospital with two broken arms and covered from head to foot in bruises. I dont know what happened. I have been lying here trying to retrace the events as they happened, but just cant work it out.

I lifted my cell phone and dialed his number. I waited and then he picked up my call. I had to shout because of the noise inside the plane and that is the last thing I can remember.

I didnt even manage to tell him my arrival time ---- the only words I got out were "Hi Jack" and then it went dark.

2006-09-01 03:22:37 · 27 answers · asked by surdy 2

2006-09-01 03:14:02 · 8 answers · asked by cooker 3

1/ Men are NOT mindreaders
2/ Learn to work the toilet seat; you're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up. You dont hear us complaining about you leaving it down
3/ Sunday sport is like the full moon or the changing tide ---Let it be
4/ Shopping is NOT a sport
5/ A headache that lasts 17 months is a problem -- see a doctor
6/ Anything we said 6 mths ago is inadmissible in an arguement -- all comments become null & void after 7 days
7/ If you think you are fat, you probably are
8/ If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one way makes you sad or cry, we meant the other one
9/ If it itches, it WILL be scratched ---- we do that
10/ Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we
11/ Crying is blackmail
12/ All men see in only 16 colours -- peach is a fruit, not a colour, plum is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is
13/ If you tell us 'nothing' is wrong, we will act like nothing's wrong
14/ I am in shape --- round is a shape

2006-09-01 03:08:19 · 27 answers · asked by surdy 2

2006-09-01 03:05:35 · 13 answers · asked by cooker 3

Two whales are swimming in the ocean when they saw a whaling ship in the distance, the male whale realizes that it's the same one that killed his parents so he turns to the female whale and asks if she'll help him get his revenge. She's a little apprehensive but finally agreed, both gone to the either side of the boat and start to blow through their blowholes, rocking the boat until it capsizes. The male whale starts to eat all the sailors when & notices the female whale swimming away. He followed and asked, 'Where are you going?' to which she replied, 'Listen, I agreed to the blow job, but if you think I'm swallowing any seamen you've got another thing coming!'
**********
A woman comes home one night and shouts up the stairs to her husband:
"Pack your bags, I've won the lottery!"
Her husband replies:
"Should i pack for sun or snow?"
The woman shouts:
"I don't care, I've won the lottery now get out!!!"

2006-09-01 03:01:12 · 37 answers · asked by Pd 6

You have a painting with a string attached to it. The string is attached to the upper two corners of the painting. In the wall there are two nails, horizontally next to each other. The string must be hung on the nails in such a way that the painting falls down if any of the two nails is pulled out of the wall. The painting must hang under the nails and must hang on the string. The Question: How must the painting be hung?

2006-09-01 02:54:11 · 16 answers · asked by The Chancellor™ 4

Angry and Hungry are two words ending in 'gry"
There are three words, (Using popular terminology)
in the English Language , that end in "GRY".

What is the third word?
The word is something that everyone uses every day.
If you have listened carefully,
I have already told you what it is.

2006-09-01 02:54:10 · 20 answers · asked by The Chancellor™ 4

You are right next to a river and have a 5 gallon container and a 3 gallon container. You need to measure out 4 gallons of water. How do you do it?

2006-09-01 02:54:08 · 6 answers · asked by The Chancellor™ 4

Here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:-

1/On American Airlines pack of nuts:- Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts (warning : contains nuts)
2/On Nytol Sleep Aid :- Warning: may cause drowsiness
3/On most brands of Christmas lights:- for indoor or outdoor use
4/On packaging for a Rowenta iron:- do not iron clothes on body
5/On Tesco Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) :- do not turn upside down
6/On Boots Children's cough medicine:- do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medicine
7/On a Japanese food processor:- not to be used for the other use
8/On a child's Superman costume:- warning, wearing this garment does not enable you to fly

AND BEST FOR LAST

9/ On a Swedish chainsaw:- warning, do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.

AAARRRHHH
Have you any good ones?

2006-09-01 02:46:09 · 16 answers · asked by surdy 2

2006-09-01 02:34:58 · 12 answers · asked by bill 3

It's Just a joke women. My friend told me that women makes better boxers then men because A women knows how to give a good blow to the head

2006-09-01 02:17:10 · 13 answers · asked by bETtEr ThINg 2 CoMe 1

2006-09-01 02:06:07 · 11 answers · asked by NastyCurly 1

At the gates, Saint Peter tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention of the car changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

So, Henry Ford thinks about it and says, "I want to hang out with Adam, the first man."

So, Saint Peter points Adam out to Ford.

When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of women?"

Adam says, "Yes."

"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:1) There is too much front end protusion, 2) It chatters at high speeds, 3) The rear end wobbles too much and ... 4) The intake is too close to the exhaust."

"Hmmmmm," says Adam, "hold on."

So, Adam goes to the celestial computer, types a few keystrokes and waits for the results.

The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it.

He then says to Ford, "It may be that my invention is flawed but, according to the stellar computer, more men are riding my invention than yours!"

2006-09-01 02:03:51 · 7 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Think separately!!!!!

2006-09-01 02:02:38 · 12 answers · asked by Mallikarjun 1

When it eats it grows when it drinks it dies what is it?
Toothless it bites Voiceless it cries what is it?
It can be as large as an elephant but never has any weight or mass what is it?
Give me any three things that go up and down but never actually move.

Good luck

2006-09-01 01:59:10 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied, still in pain, in
the fetal position, still clasping his hands together in his groin.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside.

She began to massage him.

She then asked, "How does that feel?"

He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell

2006-09-01 01:51:33 · 6 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Larry wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Larry looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean.

So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating.
Larry asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

2006-09-01 01:47:12 · 11 answers · asked by trushka 4

not cheap or stupid ones for heaven sake.

2006-09-01 01:46:54 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

All my life I been Raise On a Farm helping my dad milk cows. Now that i'm a part of Coporate America milking cows comes natural. So I will like to take this time to Thank all the cows I've milked just to get ahead.

2006-09-01 01:40:34 · 3 answers · asked by bETtEr ThINg 2 CoMe 1

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