Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

MY NEW 2006 LINCOLN ZEPHYR

I just got my new LINCOLN and returned to the dealer the next day,
complaining that I couldn't figure out how the radio worked.

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. "Watch this,"
he
said. "Nelson!"

The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"

"Willie!" he continued. And "On The Road Again" came from the speakers.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, overtime I'd say
"Beethoven!"
I would get beautiful classical music, and if I said "Beatles!" I would
get
one of their awesome songs.

One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I
swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled "*** HOLES!"

The French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Michael
Moore, backed up by John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums and Bill
Clinton
on sax.

Damn, I LOVE this car.

2006-09-02 05:16:17 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

hay send me tons of sex jokes and ill jdge them within 4 hours and ull get ur points
ps. try to send me ones i have herd

2006-09-02 05:08:33 · 7 answers · asked by ctwcsgirl 3

2006-09-02 05:06:26 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-02 05:06:24 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2 little boys, one 5 and the other 6, went to the pharmacy and picked up a box of tampons. The pharmacist says to the 6 yr.old "son, why r u buying this? He said they're not for me, they're for him. He heard on TV that you can swim and ride bike, and he can't do either.

2006-09-02 05:02:35 · 25 answers · asked by lady love 2

2006-09-02 05:01:33 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

and if my a$$ becomes un-manageable, should i chastise it and stop his oats for 40 days and 40 nights?
What would you do?

2006-09-02 04:54:26 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

diffuculty easy

2006-09-02 04:53:11 · 6 answers · asked by Zan k 2

2006-09-02 04:51:37 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-02 04:48:38 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

can u get me sm funniest limericks

2006-09-02 04:45:14 · 8 answers · asked by Vishrut Patel 2

write n e tthing funny
do u want 0 pts??
come here and take it

2006-09-02 04:44:08 · 17 answers · asked by Vishrut Patel 2

NOW IN YOUR BEST ARNIE VOICE !!!

You've reached Ahhhnolds pizza shop.
I'm not here now, im out killing pepperoni.
If you want to reach me, if you want a pizza, i don't care, cause I'm not here. Can't you realize that? Idiot. But, if you need a pizza sometime during the next few days, I can have it delivered to you, or maybe I will staple it to you. I don't care what you want on it, every pizza come with pepperoni, and with 9 millimeter bullets on it. The only difference is the 9 millimeter bullets might be in a gun, or they might be on your pizza.
If you don't like it, i dont care , as you will recive one anyhow. If you don't **** around I'll give you good pizza. If you do **** around I'll take a pepperoni and punch it to your head. So if you want mushroom, shut up. If you want broccoli, WHAT THE HELL IS BROCCOLI ANYWAY?! SHUT UP WITH THE BROCCOLI!!! If you want something crazy, like pineapple, I'll kill you. If you like pepperoni and bullets, youve come to the right place. So leave your name, number, serial number, how tall you are, and if you are ceceptible to any diseases, and if you are, I'll come over. Maybe I'll give you a pizza, maybe I'll break off your arm

2006-09-02 04:35:40 · 14 answers · asked by Mark 2

Yo yo yo im so big and smelly
I do big poos and there oh so smelly
Cakes wine pillows and jelly
My mums a cat and her name is kelly

2006-09-02 04:31:57 · 12 answers · asked by Chris S 1

a pig snuffles into a bar and orders a beer.
barman says, 'hey. you’re a pig.'
'well you got me there! says the pig.
'you know what I mean,’ says the barman.
'you can talk-that’s pretty unusual for a pig.'
'yeah, well, freaks of nature do happen sometimes,’ replies the pig. ‘now gimme a beer will ya?'
the barman serves him up one and asks if he lives in the area.
'nah, I just work around here-over on the building site actually,' the barman nods and they chat a bit more. each day after that, the pig snuffles and snorts his way into the bar during his lunch breaks. about a week or so after the pig and the barman first began talking, a circus comes to town. the circus owner comes in for a pint at midday one day, just as the pig is ordering a beer. after the initial shock of seeing a talking pig, the circus owner approaches him and says, 'hey, you should join my circus. you’d make a lot of money.'
'hang on,’ says the pig . 'you work in a circus right?' 'yeah.'
'that’s like one of those tent things, isn’t it? With a big pole in the middle?’
‘that’s right.’
‘the tent’s made out of canvas, right?’
‘of course,’ replies the circus owner
‘one hundred percent canvas.’
The pig gives the circus owner a very puzzled look
‘so why in hell would you want a bricklayer?’

2006-09-02 04:31:16 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face. "what are you so happy about?" asks the barman.
"well i'll tell you" replies the ugly man, "you know i live by the railway, well on my way home last night i noticed a young woman tied to the tracks like in the movies. I of course went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway to cut a long story short , i scored, big time. We made love all night, all over the house. "Fantastic" exclaimed the barman "you lucky sod, was she pretty?"

Dunno, never found her head"

oh....lol..

2006-09-02 04:17:18 · 16 answers · asked by Platinum 3

How many Americans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?













That's not funny!! We're suing!

2006-09-02 04:09:16 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

I sent an email message and the reply I got came from this address. I am not able to understand who sent it? Plz tell. I tried searching on Google also but it returned addresses of many organisations. I am not able to screen who actually sent it?

The address is: First Avenue, Sunnyvale, CA 94089, USA. It was sent from Seventh portion.

I need your help guys. Will you?

2006-09-02 04:09:07 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Dont shoot the messanger...
Q. How can you tell a macho woman?
A. She rolls her own tampons

Q.Whats the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for the golf ball.

Q. Whats a mixed feeling?
A.When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. Whats the height of conceit?
A.Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q.How do you turn a fox into an Elephant?
A. Marry it.

Mind, dont shhot the messanger.

2006-09-02 04:08:46 · 21 answers · asked by Platinum 3

how do u get 4 blond's to sit on a stool?

2006-09-02 04:05:48 · 15 answers · asked by Brett 3

What's the difference between Pick and Choose?
Pick is something you select and choose is what PRicans put on their feet.

2006-09-02 04:02:06 · 6 answers · asked by lady love 2

The sky was dark
The Moon was high
All alone,
Just she and I.

Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue.
I knew just what
She wanted to do.

Her skin was soft
Her legs so fine,
I ran my fingers
Down her spine.

I didn't know how,
But I tried my best.
I started by placing
My hands on her breast.

I remember my fear
My fast beating heart,
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart.

And when I did it
I felt no shame.
All at once
The white stuff came.

At last it's finished.
It's all over now.
My first time ever
At milking a cow....!

2006-09-02 03:44:22 · 6 answers · asked by jfmm 7

I want to see what happens if i ask you for a thumbs up. and see how many ups and downs i get, if any.
Then somebody else can ask the same question for different results. I know, I'm strange.

2006-09-02 03:34:28 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young man decide to join the police force. As a recruit he was asked during the exam,"What would you do if you had to arrest your own Mother"?
He quickly answered,"I'd call for Back-Up"!

2006-09-02 03:31:57 · 11 answers · asked by jfmm 7

Rev. John Fuzz was pastor of a small church in Louisiana. One day he was walking downtown and noticed a female member of his church sitting inside the Town Bar, drinking beer. As he thought this was sinful, he went through the open door and sat down beside her.
"Mz. Edna", Rev. Fuzz said sternly,"This is no place for a member of my congregation. Let me take you home".
"Sure", she slurred, obviously very drunk.
As she stood up she began to weave back and forth, and the Rev. realized just how drunk she was, and grabbed both her arms. They both lost their balance, and fell to the floor.
After rolling around a few seconds, the Rev. wound up on top of Mz. Edna, with her skirt hiked up to her waist.The bartender looked over the bar and said,"Hey, Buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar"!
The Rev. looked up and said,"But you don't understand. I am Pastor Fuzz-"
The bartender interrupted and said,"Well. If you're that far in, you might as well finish"!

2006-09-02 03:27:58 · 5 answers · asked by jfmm 7

Go on, make me laugh. 10 points to the first one to make me laugh out loud.

2006-09-02 02:59:16 · 14 answers · asked by Belinda B 3

every think mr red own. is red, he lives in a red bungalow with red walls red floors red clothes red shoes.....

what colour are his stairs?

2006-09-02 02:56:54 · 53 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-02 02:56:25 · 9 answers · asked by silverfox_388 2

http://i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=18265

Go and see!!!, just follow the link

2006-09-02 02:40:44 · 7 answers · asked by jobe j 2

A woman is onher death bed in a coma. The nurses are giving her a bed bath and notice when they touch her private area her heart rate improves. So they suggest to her husband a little oral sex might do her some good. He's a little suprised but goes in behind the curtain and a few minutes laterall the monitors go blank and the woman dies...The nurse asks what happened "i'm not sure " he replied..."BUT I THINK SHE CHOKED"....LOL...

2006-09-02 02:24:59 · 17 answers · asked by Platinum 3