Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

Would you rather Type 5 words a minute But have an incredibly Moist Left foot

OR

Type 80 words a minute- But moan like Chewbacca when you go to the restoom?

2006-09-02 16:25:59 · 55 answers · asked by melissa r 4

Would you rather...
Watch a porno with your parents...
Or a porno of your parents?

2006-09-02 16:08:10 · 20 answers · asked by melissa r 4

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.


Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong".

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." -A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain'tgonnabelievethisshit....


Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides



HAVE A GREAT DAY

2006-09-02 16:06:49 · 29 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

2006-09-02 15:53:12 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three girls are sitting around, totally bored so one girl suggests that they make up nicknames for their ideal boyfriends and name them after soda pops.
"I want mine to be 7-Up, 'cause 7 days a week he's up."

"I want mine to be Mountain Dew 'cause when he's in between my mountains, we'll be doing it."

"Mine's gonna be Mikes Hard Lemonade."

"You can't do that. Here we are talking about soda pop and you're talking about a hard liquor."

"Exactly."

2006-09-02 15:44:14 · 16 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

A big cuddly dog emitted fierce growls, happily ignoring joyful
kids licking minute nuts on pretty queer rotten smelly
toadstools underneath vampires who x-rayed young zombies.

first person to get it right walks away with 10 points.. how exciting is that.. teehee

2006-09-02 15:23:20 · 30 answers · asked by maidenrocks 3

2006-09-02 15:23:20 · 9 answers · asked by one_destiny_123 2

place them face up in your hand

Do you see any snakes?
Do you see any cars?
first to solve correctly will get the ten...

2006-09-02 15:13:26 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-02 15:09:39 · 13 answers · asked by Jack B 1

I always hear people start this....but never finish it. Do you know the rest of the words?

2006-09-02 14:56:38 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the
>breakfast
>table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we
>were
>sitting here at this breakfast table together."
>
>"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as
>jaybirds
>fifty years ago."
>
>"Well," Granny snickered, "Let's relive some old times."
>
>Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
>
>"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My
>
>nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
>
>"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and
>
>the other is in your oatmeal."

2006-09-02 14:50:25 · 34 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

said $50.00, which seemed awfully cheap. "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her seriously and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prost*tution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then found it kind of amusing. When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them enter and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation Considering how and where the Parrot had had been raised. Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith!" :)

2006-09-02 14:31:47 · 16 answers · asked by BedrockBabe 2

Enough breasts to press up against the windshield

2006-09-02 14:07:04 · 14 answers · asked by MzChamillinator 5

use this method- Pick the name of an animal you have or used to have, and pick the name of a street you live on or used to live on. Mine would be "Peaches Ripley". Whatcha got?

2006-09-02 14:04:34 · 34 answers · asked by kitten lover3 7

>Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
>
> >A. Ask your mother.
>
> >Q. How do you embarrass an archeologist?
>
> >A. Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
>
> >Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
>
> >A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
>
> >Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
>
> >A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.
>
> >Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
>
> >A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
>
> >driving.
>
> >Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
>
> >A. No one to talk to during orgasm.

> >Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's butt?
>
> >A. A mechanic!

> >Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
>
> >A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen
>
> >donuts.
>
> >Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
>
> >A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!
>
> >Q. How can you tell which is the head nurse?
>
> >A. The one with the dirty knees.
>
> >Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
>
> >A. A battery has a positive side.

> >Q. Three words women hate to hear when having sex A. "Honey, I'm home!"
>
> >Q. Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint?
>
> >A. It's not very bright, but it spreads easy

> >Q. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in
>
> >his sleep.
>
> >A. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
>
> >Q. How can you tell a macho women?
>
> >A. She rolls her own tampons.
>
> >Q: What's the leading cause of death among lesbians?
>
> >A: Hair balls.

>
> >Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
>
> >A: Because Kermit loves sweet and sour pork.

2006-09-02 13:52:39 · 15 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

Weird me out or plant awkward images in my head.

2006-09-02 13:43:15 · 10 answers · asked by Bob 3

ive always wondered and i think its about time i found out =) lol thanks

2006-09-02 13:33:55 · 28 answers · asked by Michelle 4

2006-09-02 13:33:15 · 19 answers · asked by **sexyB** 1

Let's hear them.

2006-09-02 13:19:44 · 10 answers · asked by Bob 3

a joke, insult, etc. about anything ... and you get the points

2006-09-02 13:14:35 · 22 answers · asked by Melody. 3

If not not please tell me why you didn't like it and how you would make it funny or funnier.

Jack be nimble,
Jack be quick,
Jack jump over the candle stick.
Jack wasn't nimble,
Jack wasn't quick,
Jack burnt off his little dick.

This is just for fun and not meant to offend. I put a warning right at the begining of the question. So please if you don't like it feel free to rate it bad but don't report me.

2006-09-02 13:06:08 · 12 answers · asked by LADY ICE 3

answered a question about an old saying, my teenager had told me to always put down where I came up with the answer, so being an old fool I put down oldlady.com not knowning it was a porn site..sorry about that people....what stupid things have you said and done on here

2006-09-02 12:55:47 · 14 answers · asked by ticonderoga1186 4

i've had a really crap night and need cheering up!

2006-09-02 12:49:37 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Here are a few things to think about that you probably have never
> > > thought about:
> > > >
> > > >Can you cry under water?
> > > >
> > > >How important does a person have to be before they are considered
> > > >assassinated instead of just murdered?
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny
> for
> > > >your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
> > > >
> > > >Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were
> buried
> > > >in for eternity?
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >What disease did cured ham actually have?
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would
be
> a
> > > >good idea to put wheels on luggage?
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake
up
> like
> > > >every two hours?
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
> > > >
> > > >Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
> binoculars
> > > >to look at things on the ground?
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see
> you
> > > >naked anyway.
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
> horrible
> > > >crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
> > > >
> > > >If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a
> coconut,
> > > >why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're
> both
> > > >dogs!
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why
> didn't
> > > >he just buy dinner?
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
> vegetables,
> > > >what is baby oil made from?
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same
> tune?
> > > >
> > > >Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but
> call
> > > >it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

2006-09-02 12:48:37 · 16 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

>Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
>A. Ruthless.
>
>Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
>A. German Shepherds.
>
>Q. Who was the greatest Financier in the Bible?
>A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone
>else was in liquidation.
>
>Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the
>Bible?
>A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of
>the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
>
>Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
>A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a
>Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
>Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were
>all in one Accord.
>
>Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
>A. Samson. He brought the house down.
>
>Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to
>why he no longer lived in Eden ?
>A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
>
>Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant
>lawbreaker in the Bible?
>A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
>
>Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
>A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always
>overflowing.
>
>Q. Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the
>Bible?
>A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.
>
>Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
>A. Joshua, son of Nun.
>
>Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark?
>A. Because Noah was standing on the deck.
>(Groannn...)
>
>PS... Did you know it's wrong for a woman to make
>coffee?
>Yup, it's in the Bible. It says . . . "Hebrews"

2006-09-02 12:39:47 · 14 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

Come on, it's easy.

2006-09-02 11:55:12 · 25 answers · asked by Display Name 3

2006-09-02 11:42:14 · 37 answers · asked by Riss 4

2006-09-02 11:41:06 · 21 answers · asked by Riss 4

One day, Jay Dini came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a nightie.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went fishing.


Any fisherman out there...laughin there a~s~s off?
1-10
Tickles and giggles...
SmileyCat : )

2006-09-02 11:38:22 · 14 answers · asked by SmileyCat : ) 4

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

Thumb up or thumb down? Funny comments always a plus!

Sharin' my smiles..
SmileyCat : )

2006-09-02 11:35:18 · 10 answers · asked by SmileyCat : ) 4