Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

Any good yo momma jokes out there?!

2006-09-02 23:16:04 · 13 answers · asked by Zach 2

Q. How many men are needed to put a toilet
seat down?

























A. Answer unknown, 'cause this never happened.

2006-09-02 23:10:54 · 10 answers · asked by angel.2u@home 2

It's obvious when you think about it.

2006-09-02 22:56:41 · 14 answers · asked by leo.soul 2

2006-09-02 22:52:14 · 29 answers · asked by J. S. 4

If Lois Lane and Superman could actually concieve a child would she be able to carry the baby full term or would the baby kick its way out prematurely?

2006-09-02 22:27:14 · 7 answers · asked by someones sister 4

send me your url to add u

2006-09-02 22:08:09 · 7 answers · asked by yup 1

crazy fuunnyy

2006-09-02 21:57:01 · 14 answers · asked by yup 1

Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!"

Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.

As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!"

To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him!!!"

2006-09-02 21:51:03 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."

"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."

2006-09-02 21:49:32 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

This is a real witty riddle.

2006-09-02 21:42:40 · 6 answers · asked by solipsistic 1

I will most likely give 10pts to low leveled people if they answer correctly

A man and his young son get in a car accident. The man dies, and the injured son is rushed to the hospital. At the hospital, a doctor operates on the boy, saving his life. The boy is the doctor's son. How is this possible?

2006-09-02 21:21:49 · 27 answers · asked by Bobby 3

2006-09-02 21:15:26 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.

Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit.

Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"

The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"

The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"

"Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

2006-09-02 21:11:33 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Death knows not the boundaries between young and old. Or does it?

2006-09-02 20:59:12 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sound advice?

2006-09-02 20:57:57 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

dont bother your self .... give me an answer and I'll give you 2 points or who knows maybe 10 ...

2006-09-02 20:56:59 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-02 20:52:01 · 13 answers · asked by crazygurl 1

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped
> >at was the breeding bulls.
> >
> >They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
> >"This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband
> >in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
> >
> >They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, This
> >bull
> >mated 120 times last year." The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and
> >said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
> >
> >They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in
> >capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year. "The wife, so
> >excited
> >that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once a day.
> >You could REALLY learn something from this one."
> >
> >The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the
> >same cow."
> >
> >NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and
> >he should eventually make a full recovery

2006-09-02 20:49:06 · 7 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

2006-09-02 20:45:49 · 10 answers · asked by jenn 3

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other
and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after
we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the
driveway..

I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before
I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom,
stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds.
I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out
so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong
approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the
steps, throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the ***
and shout, "WHO'S HORNY"..." and she acts like she is asleep every time.

2006-09-02 20:43:32 · 4 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager managing an imaginary menagerie.

2006-09-02 20:39:03 · 16 answers · asked by bogstandard 2

I once was on a plane where I was served by an obviously homosexual male flight attendant. At one point, he bounced over to where I was sitting and announced "The Captain has asked me to announce that he will be landing the big scary plane shortly, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be great."



I did as he had instructed but the woman sitting next to me did not. A few moments later, our flight attendant came back and said to her: "Ma'am, perhaps you couldn't hear me over the big scary engine, but I asked you to please put up your tray so that the captain can land the plane." She still wouldn't comply.



Now he was getting angry and asked her again to put up the tray. She then calmly turned to him and said: "In my country, I am called a princess. I take orders from no one."



Our flight attendant replied: "Oh yeah? Well in MY country, I'm called a queen and I outrank you, *****, so put the tray up!"

2006-09-02 20:37:56 · 8 answers · asked by china 2

how ever mack me lath gets 3ponts

2006-09-02 20:31:24 · 4 answers · asked by manny14 2

http://www.funnyjunk.com/funny_pictures/762/Bungee+Surprise

2006-09-02 20:23:30 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-02 20:19:46 · 9 answers · asked by saragole 1

Quickie #1
>
> One day, Jay Dini came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a
>very sexy nightie.
> "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
> So he tied her up and went fishing.
>
>
> Quickie #2
>
>
> A woman came home, screeching! her car into the driveway, and ran
>into the house.
> She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey,
>pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"
> The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
>mountain stuff?"
> "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."
>
>
> Quickie #3
>
> Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and
>the other is a husband.
>
>
> Quickie #4
>
> A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
> First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
> The optician showed him a card with the letters:
> 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
> "Can you read this?" the optician asked.
> "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
>
> Quickie #5
>
> Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I
>must tell you all
> something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
> "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of
>chardonnay."
>
> Quickie #6
>
> A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
>Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
> "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
>You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We
>need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're
>going to STICK!
> Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when
>you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST
>your mind?
> Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
>Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"
> The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You
>think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
> The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like
>when I'm driving."
>
> Quickie #7
>
> Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North
> Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
> On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
> That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
> On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
> That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
> On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
> The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years

2006-09-02 19:57:33 · 10 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

each wife had seven kids, each kid had seven cats, each cat had seven kits.
Kits, cats, kids, wives; how many were gong to St, Ives?

2006-09-02 19:54:19 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-02 19:49:02 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Check this out. It looks kinda long but believe me you will enjoy it. It is totally funny and everyone needs a reason to smile. Hope this makes your day great!!
go to www.mix969.com click on fun stuff. go to joke of the day. on the right, find the one called baked bean passion. http://www.mix969.com/pages/joke_of_the_day.html?feed=104675&article=782037

2006-09-02 19:46:53 · 8 answers · asked by Jugglingmidget06 4

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town an kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

2006-09-02 19:43:43 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous