Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

A woodcutter went into the woods to get it, when he got it he did not want it, so he left it there, when he came out of the woods he took it with him.. what was it?

2006-09-03 15:45:32 · 44 answers · asked by handynewf 2

I say if the guy feels humiliated and its in public....and also if the guy gets injured DUH

2006-09-03 15:40:53 · 12 answers · asked by Darkness 5

if you were told that you could only make contact with one person for the rest of your life...who would it be and why....

its harder than you think...or not...whatever...

good luck

much love ♥

2006-09-03 15:31:08 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

LOL means: Loyal Orange Lodge Laughing Out Loud
LMBO: Laughing my butt off
LMAO: Laughing my @$$ off
rofl (Roll On Floor Laughing.)
roflwtime (Rolling On the Floor With Tears In My Eyes)
omg (Oh My God, Oh My Gosh, Oh My Goodness; usually lol capitalised with shriek as "OMG!", sometimes "ZOMG!" or "OMFG")
omfg (Oh My ******* God)
ob (Oh Boy)
brb (Be Right Back)
bbl (Be Back Later)
bih (Burn In Hell)
OBO (Or Best Offer)
w/e (Whatever)
btw (By The Way)
ead (Eat A Dick)
esad (Eat **** and Die)
g2g, gtg (Got To Go, )
g2h (Go to Hell)
sys (See You Soon)
ssia (Subject Says It All)
cu (c = see, u = you)
idk (I don't know)
imo (In My Opinion)
imho (In My Honest Opinion, In My Humble Opinion)
imhfo(In My Honest F**king Opinion)
wat (what)
Waud (what are you doing?)
mbp (manbearpig-southpark)
woot (celebration, cheer)
lylab (love you like a brother)
lylas (love you like a sister)
bfn (bye for now

No space for more. You can post it

2006-09-03 15:29:02 · 17 answers · asked by Gundruk 3

Employer: “In this job we need someone who is responsible.”
Applicant: “I’m the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”

Q. What did the blonde’s left leg say to her right leg?
A. Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money

A brunette says to a blonde "Look! A dead bird!" and the blonde looks up and says "Where?"

There was a blonde who was taking her kids to Disney Land. When they were about half way there, the blonde say a sign that said "Disney Land Left," so the blonde turned back around and went home.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"

2006-09-03 15:21:00 · 21 answers · asked by Andrew Petrucci 2

2006-09-03 15:14:16 · 23 answers · asked by blooutflash 3

2006-09-03 14:54:24 · 12 answers · asked by betty boop 3

My name is Beth......not Elizabeth. I always wonder why she named me after this "person". Was it in memory of a kind hearted soul? Or a warning....the good die young?

2006-09-03 14:51:31 · 18 answers · asked by beth81962 3

2006-09-03 14:44:56 · 29 answers · asked by monica 2

10 points to the person who gets it first or has the best answers and guesses.

2006-09-03 14:37:43 · 29 answers · asked by number1shopper 2

If you are at a party, and everyone there is naked. How do you find Adam and Eve in the mix?

2006-09-03 14:30:55 · 25 answers · asked by freeandsimple3056 2

2006-09-03 14:26:08 · 7 answers · asked by betty boop 3

THE IRISH DAUGHTER HAD NOT BEEN TO THE HOUSE FOR OVER 5 YEARS. UPON HER RETURN, HER FATHER CUSSED HER; " WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL THIS TIME, YOU INGRATE! WHY DIDN'T YOU WRITE US, NOT EVEN A LINE TO LET US KNOW HOW YOU WERE DOING? WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL? YOU LITTLE TRAMP! DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT YOU PUT YOUR MUM THROUGH??!!"

>THE GIRL, CRYING, REPLIED, "SNIFF, SNIFF... DAD... I BECAME A PROSTITUTE..."

"WHAT!!? OUT OF HERE, YOU SHAMELESS HARLOT! SINNER! YOU'RE A DISGRACE TO THIS FAMILY - I DON'T EVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!"

"OK, DAD - AS YOU WISH. I JUST CAME BACK TO GIVE MOM THIS LUXURY FUR COAT, TITLE DEEDS TO A TEN BED-ROOMED MANSION, PLUS A SAVINGS ACCOUNT CERTIFICATE FOR £5 MILLION. FOR MY LITTLE BROTHER, THIS GOLD ROLEX, AND FOR YOU DADDY THE SPANKING NEW MERCEDES LIMITED EDITION CONVERTIBLE THAT'S PARKED OUTSIDE PLUS A LIFETIME MEMBERSHIP TO THE COUNTRY CLUB...(TAKES A BREATH)...AN INVITATION FOR YOU ALL TO SPEND NEW YEARS' EVE ON BOARD MY NEW YACHT IN THE RIVIERA, AND...."

>"NOW WHAT WAS IT YOU SAID YOU HAD BECOME?"

> GIRL, CRYING AGAIN, "SNIFF, SNIFF... A PROSTITUTE DAD! SNIFF, SNIFF"

"OH! BE JESUS! - YOU SCARED ME HALF TO DEATH, GIRL! I THOUGHT YOU SAID "A PROTESTANT". COME HERE AND GIVE YOUR OLD MAN A HUG

2006-09-03 14:20:25 · 16 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

hogs cost .50 ea
sheep 3.00 ea
cows 10.00 ea

i have $100.00 and need to purchase a total of 100 head which must include all 3 types of animals. 10 points to 1st person who can give me the correct answer!! by the way, i don't know the answer either, i'm trying to figure it out as well. i was told that it could be done.

2006-09-03 14:16:38 · 9 answers · asked by ana g 4

I asked 2 questions as a joke to see what people would say, i think it's funny:

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AhDc229yZ84Zaa6ybOGJZpvsy6IX?qid=20060903180725AANwpGD

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=ArsKI_RVK16S18MpIJmxlvTsy6IX?qid=20060903174922AAo5ZTS

2006-09-03 14:12:59 · 11 answers · asked by Dude M 1

You know like:
You must be a parking ticket cause you got fine written all over you.
Just for loughs though, best one gets 10 points.

2006-09-03 14:09:13 · 24 answers · asked by Bob Chaves 2

Dude, where's my car??

2006-09-03 14:06:39 · 13 answers · asked by cecek29 2

2006-09-03 14:03:44 · 23 answers · asked by wheeliebin 6

2006-09-03 13:35:49 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-03 12:59:47 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-03 12:53:04 · 15 answers · asked by ? 6

I have to write down the worst jokes I know for this one theater class i'm in. Please Please help!!!

2006-09-03 12:28:35 · 24 answers · asked by gigglywiggly426 2

a hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

haha. i just heard that.
what do you think?

2006-09-03 12:21:46 · 24 answers · asked by IDNTGIVASHT 6

you have to watch it all but it's worth it, I can't believe the DMV gave her a license let alone the price is right trying to give her a car

http://www.jokaroo.com/funnyvideos/price_is_right_dumbass.html

2006-09-03 12:16:08 · 4 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

2006-09-03 11:45:39 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-03 11:26:43 · 7 answers · asked by sum1 n 1

2006-09-03 11:20:22 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

In Honor of Stupid People
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(Damn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be how???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion).


On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(..and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time)?

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what)?

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)


On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)


On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

2006-09-03 11:08:55 · 21 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

A father walks into a book store with his young son.

The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts

choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes

the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts jj

panicking, shouting for help.



A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman,

in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar

reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At

the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her

coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places

it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her

way, unhurried, across the book store. Reaching the

boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold

of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and

twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After

a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs

up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her

free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman

hands the coin to the father and walks back to her

seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.



As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill

effects, the father rushes over to the woman and

starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody

do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are

you a doctor?"



"No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney".

2006-09-03 11:03:36 · 10 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

1. Aw, shucks, Im lost. Guess well have to stop and ask for directions.
2. Heres a credit card and keys to my new car. Go crazy
3. Your mother and I are going away for the weekend. You might want to consider throwing a party.
4. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring. Quit your whining- lets go to the mall.
5. You dont need a job, Ive got plent of money for you to spend :):)

2006-09-03 10:28:18 · 16 answers · asked by butterfly 5