Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

2006-09-04 03:24:02 · 23 answers · asked by shee 1

2006-09-04 03:20:10 · 24 answers · asked by shee 1

Who r u?

confused!

2006-09-04 03:14:38 · 22 answers · asked by ms 1

2006-09-04 03:10:02 · 33 answers · asked by goldstarsm 3

One person said to another 'He is my father, but I am not his son'. Then who is that?

2006-09-04 03:04:01 · 23 answers · asked by Mallikarjun 1

A lady's son was drilling for oil in Alaska so she sent him a Get Well Soon card.

2006-09-04 03:02:37 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-04 02:43:47 · 8 answers · asked by katrina_ponti 6

2006-09-04 02:38:58 · 12 answers · asked by flix_ef 1

what did the laundry man say to the impatient customer?

2006-09-04 02:18:32 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A college professor, an avowed Atheist, was teaching his class. He
> shocked several of his students when he flatly stated that there is
> no God, the _expression, "One Nation Under God", was
> unconstitutional, and further, he was going to prove there is no God.
>
> Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "God, if you are real, then I
> want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"
>
> The lecture room fell silent. You could have heard a pin drop!
>
> Ten minutes went by. Again he taunted God, saying, "Here I am, God.
> I'm still waiting."
>
> His countdown got down to the last couple of minutes when a soldier
> just released from active duty and newly registered in the class
> walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent
> him tail over teacups from his lofty platform
>
> The professor was out cold! At first the students were shocked and
> babbled in confusion.
>
> The young soldier took a seat in the front row and sat silent.
>
> The class fell silent...waiting. Eventually, the professor came to,
> shaken. He looked at the young Marine in the front row. When he
> regained his senses and could speak he yelled, "What's the matter
> with you? Why did you do that?"
>
> "God was busy. He sent me."
>
> God Bless America

2006-09-04 02:09:34 · 12 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.


The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.



The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps one's energy level high and greatly increases one's stamina with the ladies."



On the way home, the 80 year old stopped at a bakery. As he was looking around, the sales associate asked if he needed any help.



"Yes," he said, "Do you have any Italian bread?"



She smiled and said, "Here's a whole shelf of it; how many loaves would you like?"



He said, "I want five loaves."



She said , "My goodness, Five loaves? Don't you think that by the time you get to eat the fifth, it'll get hard?"



He exclaimed, "Holy **** ... does everybody in the world know about this Italian bread thing, but ME?!"

2006-09-04 02:05:38 · 10 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

16 Things it took me 50 years to learn"
by Dave Barry , Nationally Syndicated Columnist

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race
has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word
would be "meetings".

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely
suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby
emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep
down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice
person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur
built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine.. They start out as
grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until
they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

FINAL THOUGHT FOR THE DAY There is more money being spent on breast
implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by
2030, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and
huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them

2006-09-04 01:59:35 · 13 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

I know I do. They make such great noise when you kick them! I wish my car made that sound whenever I honk.

2006-09-04 01:58:37 · 19 answers · asked by The Phantom 4

An American girl was visiting England and was invited
to a party. While dancing with a stuffy monocled
Englishman, her necklace became unfastened and slipped
down the back of her dress. She asked the Englishman
to retrieve the jewelry piece for her. He was very
embarrassed but wishing to comply with her request he
reached cautiously down the back of her gown.

"I'm terribly sorry," he said, "but I can't seem to
reach it." Try further down," she said. At this point
he noticed that he was being watched by everyone in
the room which made him feel most uncomfortable and he
whispered to the girl, "I feel such a perfect ***."

"Never mind that!" she cried. "Just get the necklace."

2006-09-04 01:56:37 · 7 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

GO!

2006-09-04 01:52:02 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mrs Pilkinton is soooo happy to hear that goose isn't pregnant after all. It seems that goose had just eaten too much cake.

Hippo is planning to buy goose a present, a: to celebrate and b: to help goose over come the emotional trauma of thinking she was up the duff.
What would be a suitable gift?

2006-09-04 01:51:51 · 7 answers · asked by markhatter 6

This is really sick.......................but i love it!!!!

One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung Lee were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when Huan Cho said "Hey baby, let's play Weeweechu."

"Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon" said Jung Lee.

"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Huan Cho begged.

"But I rather just hold your hand and watch the moon."

"Please Jung Lee, just once play Weeweechu with me."

Jung Lee looked at Huan Cho and said, "OK, we'll play Weeweechu."

Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....

"Weeweechu a Melly Christmas, Weeweechu a Melly Christmas,
Weeweechu a Melly Christmas, and a Happy New Year."

AND SO DO I


(I know, I know its no Christmas yet)

2006-09-04 01:47:09 · 5 answers · asked by daisymay 5

Apologies to any devout Catholics...

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.

On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a
small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks "What may we do for you, my son?"

He answers "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me.......

2006-09-04 01:40:59 · 5 answers · asked by daisymay 5

the bathtub is full of water. the only items in the room are a spoon, a teacup, and a bucket. which would you use to empty the tub?

2006-09-04 01:35:51 · 10 answers · asked by pinhed_1976 6

RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:

1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail...all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"

"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away."

The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?"

To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

2006-09-04 01:31:50 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

This fellow went to the job centre for a job in the NHS and the man behind the desk said they had a job in Glasgow as a Assistant Gynecologist.

The fellow say's "What involved with the job"

The man reply's " You'll have to help prepare and shave some lady's southern region?"

The fellow say's eagerly " I'll take it, what do I do next!"

The man say's " Go to Edinburgh for 9am on Monday"

"But the job is in Glasgow" the fellow said.

"Aye! that right but the line fo the job starts there" said the man at the job centre.

2006-09-04 01:31:28 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

SPERM BANK ROBBERY

A man wearing a balaclava bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun. "Open the f*****g safe!" he yells at the girl behind the counter. "But we're not a real bank" replies the girl. "This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money". "Don't argue just open the safe or I'll blow your f*****g head off!" She obliges and opens the safe door.

"Take one of the bottles and drink it!"

"But it's full of sperm" the girl replies nervously.

"Don't argue, just drink it" he says. She prises off the cap and gulps it down.

"Take out another one and drink it too!" he demands. The girl drinks another one. Suddenly the guy pulls off the balaclava and to the girl's amazement it's her husband.......

"Not that f*****g difficult is it?" he says

2006-09-04 01:22:44 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

there was a father and his son in the desert suffering
the dad died the boy was found and taken to hospital
the doctor came in and said "my son"
how can this be

2006-09-04 00:56:42 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-04 00:49:40 · 8 answers · asked by Powerpuffgeezer 5

Let's make biscuits, LETS MAKE BISCUITS!

2006-09-04 00:39:05 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.

Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.

If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.

The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.

Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.

Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

As usual, if you don't forward this to ten of your friends within the next five minutes, your belly button will fall off. Really... it's true! Have I ever lied to you?

2006-09-03 23:28:36 · 7 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

2006-09-03 23:20:41 · 6 answers · asked by KUKS4U 1

the bad news is youve got 24 hours to live
the worst news is I couldn't reach you yesterday.

2006-09-03 22:58:59 · 9 answers · asked by sllyjo 5

2006-09-03 22:45:33 · 19 answers · asked by amarnath_30486 1

A man breaks into an apartment and find the remains of 3 dead bodies on the floor in a pool of water. The only living occupant of the apartment was a cat in the corner.
What explains this riddle?

2006-09-03 22:35:07 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous