Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

In western musical terminology, what does "bocca chiusa" mean????????

2006-09-04 17:46:48 · 11 answers · asked by ammu 1

Who was named "Person of the Century" by TIME magazine in 1999?????????

2006-09-04 17:45:56 · 8 answers · asked by ammu 1

According to Guiness Book of World Records, which is the world's most syndicated comic strip????????

2006-09-04 17:44:50 · 6 answers · asked by ammu 1

Of which prestigious award are Terence Tao, Wendelin Werner, Andrei Okounkov and Grigori Perelman (declined) the recipients in 2006????????

2006-09-04 17:43:24 · 7 answers · asked by ammu 1

The new hooker had just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details.
She said, "Well, he was a big, muscular, and handsome Marine". "Well what did he want to do?" They all asked. She said, "I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn't have that much. So I told him a bl0w j0b would be $75, but he didn't have that much either. Finally I said, 'Well, how much do you have?' The Marine said he only had $25. So I told him, "For $25 all I can give you is a hand job." He agreed, and after getting the finances straight, he pulled it out. I put one hand on it. Then I put the other hand above that one." she paused, raised her eyebrows, and then continued. "Then I put the first hand above the second hand..." "Oh my God" they all exclaimed, "it must have been huge! Then what did you do?"











"I loaned him $75!"

2006-09-04 17:40:27 · 14 answers · asked by mizbehavingirl 4

Below I have written some message you have to break the code and answer me back with same message.
It is diffucult. 9.9 outta 10

Here is the code:
ALEWB HPCUR KMPBK HEXDD RMEZH SSR

2006-09-04 17:20:30 · 11 answers · asked by Ankit P 1

This man goes into a pet store and asks the
owner for something special for his wife. The
owner says, "I have a parrot that sings Christmas
Songs". The man says, "I have to see that!". So
the owner takes out his lighter and holds it under
the parrots right foot and the parrot sings,
"Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Jingle all the way"
The man says, "Can he sing anything else?"
The owner holds the lighter under the parrots left
foot and the parrot sings "Up on the house top,
reindeer paws". The man says "I'll take it".

He takes the parrot home to his wife and tells
her the parrot sings. She says, "I want to see
that". The man takes out his lighter and holds
it under the parrots right foot and the parrot
sings "Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Jingle all the
way". Then he holds the lighter under the parrots
left foot and the parrot sings "Up on the house
top, reindeer paws". The wife says, "Can he sing
anything else?". The man says, "I don't know -
lets try". He holds the lighter under the parrots
middle and the parrot sings "Chestnuts roasting on
an open fire...".

2006-09-04 17:12:48 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

especially when u r screwing a dinosaur?

2006-09-04 17:06:12 · 13 answers · asked by Screw You 1

The European Commission has announced an agreement that English will be the official language of the EU -- rather than German. As part of the negotations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English Spelling had some room for improvement, and has accepted a 5-year phase-in of new rules which would apply to the language and reclassify it as EuroEnglish.

The agreed plan is as follows:

In year 1, the soft 'c' would replaced by the 's'.

Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be replaced by 'k'. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan now have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' is replaced by 'f'. This will reduse 'fotograf' by 20%.
In the 3d year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent 'e's in the language is disgrasful and they should eliminat them.

By year 4, peopl wil be reseptiv to lingwistik korektions such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v' (saving mor keyboard spas).

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and similar changes vud of kors be applied to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz year, ve vil have a reli sensibil riten styl. Zer vil be no more trubls or difikultis and evrirum vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer.

Actually, never mind: that would be German after all.

2006-09-04 17:01:32 · 17 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

2006-09-04 17:00:18 · 8 answers · asked by smilesfromred 5

Almost as bad as dealing with American, 'cept you can't make good wallets out of 'em.

2006-09-04 16:49:27 · 29 answers · asked by bipolar and lovin it 2

Pick your favorite comedia... Mine is Dane Cook

2006-09-04 16:48:56 · 15 answers · asked by Chrys 2

'Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in
time?'

'Put that thing away before you get us all killed.'

'You've got something jammed in here real good.'

'Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper? '

'You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought.'

'Sorry about the mess...'

'Look at the size of that thing!'

'Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!'

'She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid.'

'I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me.'

'Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?'

'There's an awful lot of moisture in here.'

'But now we must eat. Come, good food, come...'

'That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while.'

'Hurry up, golden-rod.. .'

'I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up
like that, huh kid?'

'Possible he came in through the south entrance.'

'And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!'

'Control, control! You must learn control!'

'Hey, point that thing someplace else.'

'I look forward to completing your training. In time you will call
me master.'

'I never knew I had it in me.'

'There is good in him, I've felt it.'

'Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me -- now I owe you one.'

'Back door, huh? Good idea!'

'She's gonna blow!'

'I think you'll fit in nicely.'

'Rise, my friend.'

'Wedge! Pull out! You're not doing any good back there!'

2006-09-04 16:46:01 · 2 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

a tourist in Vienna visits a graveyard one morning(as you do)and suddenly he hears music. wondering where it could be coming from, he follows the sound until he locates the origin: the grave of Beethoven. as he reads the headstone, he realizes that the music is in fact the famous ninth symphony-being played backwards! puzzled, he persuades a friend to return with him that afternoon. by the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. this time it is the seventh symphony, and it is also being played backward. curious, the two friends later return with a music scholar. by this time the fifth symphony is playing, yes, backward. the expert points out that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they are composed-first the ninth, then the seventh, then the fifth.
very, very strange. by the next day the word has spread and dozens of people have gathered around the grave, all listening to the second symphony being played-you guessed it-backward. just then a gravedigger walks by, and someone asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
‘well its pretty obvious isn’t it?’ the gravedigger says incredulously. ‘he’s decomposing!’

2006-09-04 16:31:43 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

what did santa clause say to the 3 prostitues? HO ho ho

yo moma so dumb she got stabbed in a gun fight

yo moma so bucked teeth that when she sneezed she stabbed herself in the chest

what do you call a man with no legs? (neil)

what do u call a man with a spade on his head (doug)

what do u call a woman with a zip on her face (jean)

yo moma so dumb she has a glass door with a peep hole

why are young kids so dumb. because they are!

YEEHAW!

2006-09-04 16:28:26 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-04 16:26:03 · 5 answers · asked by Erik! i didnt think id use this! 2

I was on a ship travelling from the United States to Brazil.The cabin I was in had a very luxurious bathroom but it had no windows.Only a door leading to the interior of the ship.I had no compass or any other type of navigational instruments with me.I only had the normal luggage one would take on a cruise.Yet,even with not being able to see outside,I was able to determine when we crossed the Equator.How was I able to do this?

2006-09-04 16:18:39 · 15 answers · asked by twiztidsdad 5

im gust wondering....and do u have any other oxymorons that are funny???

2006-09-04 16:15:50 · 10 answers · asked by ? 3

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got
their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.


Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe,
look toward sky, what you see?"


The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."


"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.


The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically
speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions
of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time
wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and
insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What's it tell you, Tonto?"


"You dumber than buffalo ****. Someone stole the tent!"

2006-09-04 16:05:34 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

I like Sally Little riddles, do you like them too? You know. Sally Little is the little girl that likes somethings but not others. Today, little Sally is in art class, which has all the colors in the world. Quickly, she finds that she likes some colors but not the others.

Sally Little likes some colors.
She likes jade, but not emerald.
She likes celadon, but not mossgreen.
She likes lilac, but not mauve.
She likes azure, but not turquoise.
She likes lime, but not green.

Can you tell me what other colors she likes?
And why she likes them?

2006-09-04 16:00:05 · 8 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

Do you know the muffin man?

2006-09-04 15:58:33 · 16 answers · asked by Running Teen 1

Patrick, who was vacationing in the Bahamas couldn't seem to make it
with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.

"Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them old
baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years
outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about
two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm
tellin' ya man... you'll have all the babes ya want!"

The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new
tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was
disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing,
looking sick!

So he went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What's wrong
now?" "Damn, Mate!" said the lifeguard, "The potato goes in front.

2006-09-04 15:56:50 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

can u tell me jokes that r funny! I had a rough night and would like to be laughin about now...
thanx!
any jokes are fine!

2006-09-04 15:38:16 · 6 answers · asked by woohooo 4

2006-09-04 15:34:05 · 21 answers · asked by bipolar and lovin it 2

lets bake a "EVIL" cake.... and then send it to P. Diddy... word

2006-09-04 15:32:04 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

I had a really bad day today. Do you have a good joke or something? First person to make me laugh gets the points!

2006-09-04 15:11:05 · 19 answers · asked by Kajunfriend2006 2

Three friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck.......
Bo was driving.....He rolled down the window and swam to safety
His other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down !!!

2006-09-04 15:00:24 · 8 answers · asked by mom of a boy and girl 5

Okay well might as well make this birthday end great, and then tomorrow all of you should be scared because I get my license yep yep ♥

These may sound bad but the moral at the end is a good one...

I was scared at first.
It was very wide, and very long,
and it angled straight up.
I decided I had to try it once.
I slowly and carefully eased myself onto it.
It felt weird at first.
Then I got used to it.
I went up and down, and up and down on it.
I was really loving it.

Now I ride on escalators all the time.

I took my fingers and slowly,
and gently stretched it apart.
It was so pure and white.
I licked it once, twice ... I found I couldn't stop.
I licked it faster and faster, and harder.
I began to scrape my teeth against it.
There it was, in my mouth!
All sweet and creamy.
I was done.

And I threw away the outsides of my Oreo cookies.

I squeezed it gently at first,
then a little bit harder.
There seemed to be more and more of it
I moved it towards my lips.
It was a strange and new sensation for me.
I put it in my mouth
and moved it around and around with my tongue.
The time soon came when I knew I had to spit it out.
It was quite an experience.

The 1st time I tasted toothpaste.

They were both round and firm.
There was only the slightest difference between the two.
I took one in my hand and twisted it hard.
I used my other hand to grab the other one
and twist it hard the other way.

Now there's a brighter light bulb in the living room.

It was very long, kind of thin.
I slid it between my fingers
until I got to the end of it.
I was turning it on.
It became firm in my hands,
and the end was wet.
Then it got very hard and began gushing out of the tip.

Then I took the garden hose and watered the bushes.

I knew it could be done.
I wanted to try but I didn't know if I could do it.
I called my friend.
He said he knew how to do it and would teach me.
He put his arms around me and started.
I watched nervously in the mirror.
He finally finished and pulled back slowly.
I felt relieved that it was over.

I hate neckties.

It looked warm and dark, and juicy and inviting.
I wasn't sure just what I wanted to do with it.
I carefully pulled it apart with my fingers to look into it better.
I knew how great it would be if I just started eating it.

But I decided to put ketchup on my burger.

MORAL???

It is not the word that corrupts the mind, but the mind that corrupts the word.

2006-09-04 14:39:06 · 19 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

be nice...:)

2006-09-04 14:38:34 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Everyones asking the same question, its a waste of 5 points. I try to scan a few pages always to see if someone hasnt the same question.
Do you always just jump on and start firing questions or do you do a quick search so not to have 400 questions about the same topic in the next 20 minutes?

2006-09-04 14:15:06 · 13 answers · asked by ? 3