Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

It took 5 men, working 24 hours a day, 5 days to complete building a wall. How many days will one man take to complete building the same wall, if he works for 8 hours a day?

2006-09-04 09:45:24 · 12 answers · asked by Kelly D 4

A one-armed bandit is sitting quietly in an airport, having just taken £200 from an old man. Kristy, who watched the bandit take the old man's money, walks over and takes £1000 from the bandit. Even though a police officer witnessed both these events and the bandit made enough ruckus to alert everyone in the vicinity to what happened, Kristy was able to keep the £1000 and the the old man didn't get his money back. Why?

2006-09-04 09:41:25 · 14 answers · asked by Kelly D 4

Pet Rules

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

If you need to kiss me, then don’t go smell the other dog or cat's butt before hand. I cannot stress this enough!


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To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets

1. They live here You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less – and don’t have funny fad tastes either
2. Don't ask for money all the time – in fact never!
3 Are easier to train
4. Usually come when called – well most times!
5. Never drive your car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't wear your clothes
10. Don’t demand you look fashionable
11. Love me without any pressures, or emotional demands
12. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and
13. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children

2006-09-04 09:14:03 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.....
.
.
On his first day, he dialled the kitchen and shouted into the phone:
"Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"
.
.
The voice from the other side responded: "You fool; you've dialled the wrong extension! Do you know whom you're talking to?"
.
.
"No" replied the trainee.
.
.
"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"
.
.
The trainee shouted back: "And do you know whom YOU are talking to, you
IDIOT?"
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"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.
.
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"Thank God!" replied the trainee and kept the phone down .....

2006-09-04 09:07:38 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

im waiting for the "its not funny" comments.

DEAR ABBY: A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid- twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

DEAR ABBY: I've been married for six years and have five kids. No twins. My husband still wants to have sex every night and sometimes in the morning too. I told him he should get himself a hobby, and he says that is his hobby.

DEAR ABBY: I have a man I never could trust. Why, he cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.

DEAR ABBY: I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

DEAR ABBY: I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

DEAR ABBY: Will you please rush me the name of a reliable illegitimate doctor?

DEAR ABBY: Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

DEAR ABBY: I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

DEAR ABBY: My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.

DEAR ABBY: I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

DEAR ABBY: Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he finally did it.

DEAR ABBY: My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause.

DEAR ABBY: I met this nice guy who was in the service. He's the chief petting officer.

DEAR ABBY: I've been going steady with this man for six years. We see each other every night. He says he loves me, and I know I love him, but he never mentions marriage. Do you think he's going out with me just for what he can get? -GERTIE-

DEAR GERTIE: I don't know. What's he getting?

DEAR ABBY: My husband hates to spend money! I cut my own hair and make my own clothes, and I have to account for every nickel I spend. Meanwhile he has a stock of savings bonds put away that would choke a cow. How do I get some money out of him before we are both called to our final judgment? He says he's saving for a rainy day. -FORTY YEARS HITCHED-

DEAR HITCHED: Tell him it's raining!

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month. I'd like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he'd like? -CAROL-

DEAR CAROL: Never mind what he'd like. Give him a tie.

DEAR ABBY: Are birth control pills deductible? -KAY-

DEAR KAY: Only if they don't work.

DEAR ABBY: Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife had a ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a baby this big be that early? -WONDERING-

DEAR WONDERING: The baby was on time, the wedding was late. Forget it.

DEAR ABBY: Do you think about dying much? -CURIOUS-

DEAR CURIOUS: No, it's the last thing I want to do.

DEAR ABBY: Is it possible for a man to be in love with two women at the same time? -JAKE-

DEAR JAKE: Yes, and also hazardous.

DEAR ABBY: I know boys will be boys, but my 'boy' is seventy-three and he's still chasing women. Any suggestions? -ANNIE-

DEAR ANNIE: Don't worry. My dog has been chasing cars for years, but if he ever caught one, he wouldn't know what to do with it.

DEAR ABBY: I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions? -SAM IN CAL.-

DEAR SAM: Yes. Run for public office.

DEAR ABBY: What inspires you most to write? -TED-

DEAR TED: The Internal Revenue Service.

DEAR ABBY: When you are being introduced, is it all right to say, "I've heard a lot about you"? -RITA-

DEAR RITA: It depends on what you've heard.

DEAR ABBY: I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man my age with no bad habits. -ROSE-

DEAR ROSE: So would I.

DEAR ABBY: What's the difference between a wife and a mistress? -BESS-

DEAR BESS: Night and Day.

2006-09-04 09:01:43 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Imagin you are stuck on a tree in the jungle a Tiger is on the ground waiting to eat you and a poisonous snake on top heading down for you. how do you excape.

2006-09-04 08:47:28 · 33 answers · asked by cross 2

I would love to read some of your wit.
Examples of truisms are: Never teach a pig to sing...it wastes
your time and annoys the pig. Never ever mix sleeping pills and
laxitives.

2006-09-04 08:44:47 · 5 answers · asked by Precious Gem 7

2006-09-04 07:58:02 · 14 answers · asked by Nancy T 1

A DOCTOR AND HIS SON GO ON VACATION TO MEXICO. WHILE IN MEXICO THEY ARE HIT BY A DRUNK DRIVER. THE FATHER DIES AND THE SON IS CRITCALLY INJURED. THEY RUSH THE SON TO THE HOSPITAL WHEN HE GETS THERE THE DOCTOR SAYS "OH MY GOD THATS MY SON"


WHO IS THE DOCTOR?

2006-09-04 07:36:27 · 17 answers · asked by rainymar143 2

There are three words in the english dictionary that we use every day that end with "-gry"!!!! The first one is "angry" the next is "hungry"!!! What's the last word?

2006-09-04 07:29:08 · 22 answers · asked by Sera18 1

Q. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking
it?
A. Concrete floors are very hard to crack!

Q. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it
take four men to build it?
A. No time at all it is already built.

Q. Approximately how many birthdays does the average Japanese woman
have?
A. Just one. All the others are anniversaries.

Q. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four
apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
A. Very large hands.

Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A. It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with
one hand.

Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?
A. He sleeps at night.

Q. Why it is impossible to send a telegram to Washington today ?
A. Because he is dead.

Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become ?
A. It becomes wet.

Q. What often falls but never gets hurt ?
A. Rain

Q. What is that no man ever saw which never was but always will be ?
A. TOMORROW

Q. What looks like half apple?
A. The other half.

Q. What can you never eat for breakfast?
A. Dinner.

Q. What gets wet with drying?
A. A towel.

Q. What 3 letters change a girl into a woman ?
A. AGE.

Q. What happened when wheel was invented ?
A. It caused a revolution.

Q. Why is it easy to weigh a fish?
A. Because it has its own scales.

Q. Why does a bike rest on its leg?
A. Because it is too tyred.

Q. Bay of Bengal is in which state?
A. liquid

2006-09-04 07:26:18 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

What stinks when alive, but smells good when dead?

2006-09-04 07:20:16 · 9 answers · asked by Mr T 4

You walk up to a mountain that has two paths. One leads to the other side of the mountain, and the other will get you lost forever. On the road you meet two twins that know the path that leads to the other side. You can ask them only one question. One of the twins only tells lies and the other only tells the truth, and you don't know which is which.

So, What do you Ask?

2006-09-04 07:19:35 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A petshop owner had a parrot with a sign on its cage that said "Parrot repeats everything it hears". Davey bought the parrot and for two weeks he spoke to it and it didn't say a word. He returned the parrot but the shopkeeper said he never lied about the parrot. How can this be?

2006-09-04 07:18:58 · 15 answers · asked by Mr T 4

A tree which is planted on Monday and doubles in size each day,is fully grown on the following sunday. On what day is it half grown?

2006-09-04 07:14:00 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three people go for a meal and the meal costs £30. so they al pay £10 each to be fair. The Asisstant collects the money and realises hes overcharged them £5 and really the meal costs £25. He want to keep some money (£2) so he pretends theres an offer where you get £3 back. So they all get back £1 each and the assistant keeps the extra £2. In theory the people have paid £9 so £9 X 3 is £27 the assistant kept the extra £2 which adds up to £29 .......but where has the other £1 gone!!! Because there was £30 in total at first!

2006-09-04 07:11:07 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

2006-09-04 07:09:24 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

10 points to the first correct answer.

2006-09-04 07:07:30 · 3 answers · asked by STONE 5

A kid got lost in the forest, and he got so confused that he forgot what day of the week it was! He met the wolf and the fox in the forest and he asked first the wolf then the fox which day it is today! The wolf did not answer his question, but said: “I’m a liar on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays, and I tell the truth in the rest of the days of the week and besides I lied yesterday!” the fox did the same, she didn’t answer but she said: “I’m a liar on Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays and I too lied yesterday!” Could you tell the kid what day it is?

2006-09-04 07:07:16 · 17 answers · asked by Raziel 2

2006-09-04 06:38:48 · 9 answers · asked by veela 1

This should be easy. : )

2006-09-04 06:35:40 · 8 answers · asked by Display Name 3

The first person who answers correctly, will get 10 points from
me.

2006-09-04 06:22:31 · 6 answers · asked by steplow33 5

A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.

She went to the local playground and grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "i've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a big note saying, "ive kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the sllides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde."

The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure ebough , a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde/"

2006-09-04 06:00:10 · 10 answers · asked by HI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 4

I was driving in the worst rain I have seen in awhile last week. When I see a young women walking down the side of the road soaking wet and looking very worn out.

So I pull over and offer her a ride and she gladly accepts. Though I do notice something odd about her. She has a fanny pack on and shes going through it looking for something.

I ask her what are you looking for in your bag? She tells me "none fo your business". I didnt know if she was fooling around so I aske again. "no really whats in the fanny pack".

And she starts looking furiously through the fanny pack, and getting a desperate look in her eye.

She says again "none of your goddamn business!". Now Im a nice guy but I wont hesitate leaving her right on the side of the road. "Tell me whats in that fanny pack or your getting out right here!". She tell me "its none of your goddamn business!".

So I pull over open her door and push her out into the rain and drive off leaving her back on the road.

The funny thing is she leaves that fanny pack behind on the seat.

2006-09-04 05:48:07 · 14 answers · asked by Rob 4

2006-09-04 05:39:21 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

there once was a man who had a severe digestive problem. every time he drank malted milk, which unfortunately happened to be his favorite drink, he would suffer malt scented farts for the rest of the day. now, because of this problem, he normally abstained from drinking malted milk, but because it was his birthday, he though, 'hey, what the hell’, and indulged in two big shakes at lunchtime, with extra malt in each. as he walked home from work, the tirade of bad smells began. he hoped like crazy that they would all be out of his system by the time he reached home. naturally his wife disapproved of smelly things. so he farted and fluffed and mockered all the way home. when he arrived there his wife opened the door and said, ‘put on this blindfold. I have a lovely surprise for you,’ and he obliged. she led him through the house and sat him down at the table, and just as she was about to remove the blindfold the phone rang. 'don’t move,' she said, and off she went. when she was gone, he seized the opportunity and let go. It was not only loud, but so smelly he had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. As he was wondering if that was the last one, he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. As he was wondering if that was the last one, he felt another well of gas build up inside him. He raised his leg and ‘rrriiiipppp!’ it sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled a helluva lot worse. To keep from gagging, he tried waving his arms, hoping to move the smell away from him. Things had just about returned normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the dishes on the table shook and a couple of pictures fell down on the wall. For the next 10 minutes, while he listened to his wife on the phone, he kept a mega farting session, following each one with a mad fanning of the arms and grunts of disgust. When he heard his wife returning form the hallway, he folded his hands on top of his napkin and tried to regain some composure. Smiling contently, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, ‘surprise!!’ to his extreme and utter horror, there were ten dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party

2006-09-04 04:54:49 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-04 04:45:27 · 18 answers · asked by Kylie 1

Q:What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A:Gifted!

Q:how do blonde brain cells die?
A:alone.

Q:what does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
A:they're both empty from the neck up.

Q:why do blondes wear their hair up?
A:to catch everything that goes over their heads.

Q:how do make a blonde's eyes light up?
A:shine a flash in their ear

Q:what is it called when a blond blows in another blonde's ear
Adata transfer.

Q:what do you do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A:a wind tnnel

Q:a blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm.She passes a person who asks"Wheredid you get that?"
A:the pig says, "i won her in a raffle!"

Q:what is the difference between a smart blonde and bigfoot?
A:bigfoot has been sighted.

Q:what did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?
A:nothing. they've never met.

Q:why do blondes wear green lipstick?
A:because red means stop.

Q:why is a blonde like a door nob?
A:because everybody gets a turn.

2006-09-04 04:42:53 · 14 answers · asked by HI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 4

I want to tell all my Q&A friends here in the jokes & riddles category to have a very pleasant Labor Day! Enjoy

2006-09-04 04:14:33 · 4 answers · asked by lady love 2

A man was going to commit suicide and jump off a building, but when he looked down he saw a priest and the priest extended his arms and made the sign of the cross (+) so the man changed his mind and ran downstairs and tells the priest "oh father thank you for giving me your blessing". The priest replies "my son I didn't do the sign of the cross I was telling you if you jump you're F**ked.

2006-09-04 03:53:33 · 40 answers · asked by lady love 2