Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

From the outset, the blind date was a fiasco, and it was intensified by the fact that the fellow was too insensitive, uncouth, and ego-ridden to realize it.

The moment of truth came in the supper club as he clutched the girl's thigh and whispered, "Baby, how's about our cutting out to my pad so I can slip you nine inches?"

There was a moment of silence, and then the girl said, "You know, I really don't think you could get it up three times in a row!"

2006-09-04 22:53:34 · 7 answers · asked by sistah2sista 1

Its allready been asked but I like repeats.:) he heh ehehe

2006-09-04 22:39:06 · 20 answers · asked by ? 3

1.NAMES
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch,
they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately
refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and
Scrappy.
2.EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw
in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have
anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change
back.
When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
3.MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need
but it's on sale.
4.BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving
cream, razor,a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom
is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
5.ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new
argument.
6.CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking,
men kick cats.
7.FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
8.SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than
his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
9.MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he
doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change
and she does.
10.DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty
the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
11.NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
12.OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows
about dentist appointments and romances, best friends,
favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
13.THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
AND FINALLY.....
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not
saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument
and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they
passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the husband
asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep,"the wife replied, "in-laws."

2006-09-04 22:19:27 · 15 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

2006-09-04 22:16:09 · 25 answers · asked by Mohawk 2

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!" So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:
SLOW--SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."

So, again, the sheriff sends out the county
workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called
and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"

The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.

The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you
put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.

The sheriff was really curious now and he thought
to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..." So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:

NUDIST COLONY


GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS

2006-09-04 22:14:50 · 4 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

when a vampire jumps onto the bonnet.
The nun who is driving says to the other, "Quick! Show him your cross."

So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Get off our f*cking car."

2006-09-04 22:05:56 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

click here and get 10 points!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




Now tell me, whats the meaning of gullible?!?!?

2006-09-04 21:46:43 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

You take off the outside
cook the inside
eat the outside
throw away the inside

2006-09-04 21:30:51 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A family are driving behind a dust cart when a dildo flies out and hits their windscreen. Embarassed, and to protect the innocence of their young sons, the woman says it was an insect to which one of the boys replied, "I'm surprised it can fly with a **** like that".

2006-09-04 21:29:03 · 16 answers · asked by jannie 1

What should you do when you wake up(sleep) you realized that you are alone in this world.

2006-09-04 21:22:29 · 8 answers · asked by shinobi 2

2006-09-04 21:10:57 · 27 answers · asked by divine4ever 1

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?" The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.

The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."

2006-09-04 20:54:18 · 8 answers · asked by gogobanca 4

Ok, I had to share this.
I saw this truck in a parking lot so I took a picture.
I'm guessing someone painted the p.

2006-09-04 20:52:15 · 4 answers · asked by rxqueen♥ † 6

And would it be covered under workman's comp?

2006-09-04 20:24:34 · 5 answers · asked by Islamic Warrior for Allah 1

Open following
And answer :-

http://www.netdisaster.com/go.php?mode=cow&url=http://www.answers.yahoo.com/


Watch out.... there are a lot of stray cows around.

2006-09-04 20:24:05 · 10 answers · asked by Àdvice me aboût ŠtudŸ in ÄUŠ.PLŽ 1

...so I blew him up.

2006-09-04 20:21:28 · 11 answers · asked by Islamic Warrior for Allah 1

TWIX

2006-09-04 20:17:19 · 12 answers · asked by nodraknamrah269 2

2006-09-04 20:12:10 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

One old Jipsy women come in my store, she say: You are happy, you help everyone, but you have anemis, I say her her:Ok and give her money. And I say for her, you have 6 kids, something happen with youor son....And she say:You are rigt and beck my money!!?....LOL

2006-09-04 20:10:00 · 21 answers · asked by Denicia 6

What do you call a dead blonde in the closet?

The winner of last weeks hind and seek contest.

2006-09-04 20:06:39 · 9 answers · asked by blacksheep0685 1

Just wounded how do you make yourself laugh? I am really sad i tell myself jokes and think of funny things that happened years ago!!!

2006-09-04 19:59:33 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

i mean what could be the reason.. why ?

2006-09-04 19:38:00 · 18 answers · asked by Fishi 3

p[leasqee ansawewre. itt's hard to typc de w4with to.es..

Typing with fingers now... Can you type with your toes?

2006-09-04 19:18:55 · 10 answers · asked by sasukexsakura4ever 2

The patient explained to the psychiatrist that he was haunted by visions of his departed relatives.
Patient: These ghost are perched on the tops of fence posts around my garden every night. They just sit there and watch me and watch me and watch me. What can I do?

Psychiatrist: That's easy...just sharpen the tops of the posts.

2006-09-04 19:18:03 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Honestly, i thought it was bad. I did not laugh once. maybe a chuckle or two. Nothing compared to the legends of Rock, Murphey, Dangerfield, Hughley, ect.

just didnt make me laugh...

what did you think

2006-09-04 18:37:47 · 4 answers · asked by gdsfg d 1

all you have to do is move only 1 number to make the answer rite

1 0 1 - 1 0 2 = | 1 |

I WILL ANSWER THIS Qs. tomorrow stay tune till then.

2006-09-04 18:32:24 · 15 answers · asked by Forrest T 1

all you have to do is make the 555 without changing the 555

5 + 5 + 10 = |555|
I will post the answer tomorow rite here same time GOOD NIGHT

2006-09-04 18:21:46 · 8 answers · asked by Forrest T 1

One's a smelly, aggressive beast that will eat anything that moves, lies around all day and does nothing but sun itself, and gets really irritated if you look at it the wrong way. The other is a reptile.

2006-09-04 18:11:58 · 21 answers · asked by bipolar and lovin it 2

A lady walks into a tatto parlor and says "I want
a tattoo of a turkey on the inside of my right
leg, and on the inside of my left leg I want a
tattoo of a Christmas tree"

The guy doing the tattoo goes "Why do you want
tattoos of those things". The lady replies with
"Well because my husband always complains that
there is nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and
Christmas"

2006-09-04 17:53:03 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Whats the difference between meat and fish?


If you beat your fish it'll die.

2006-09-04 17:51:04 · 7 answers · asked by Justa_Honay_Guy 3