Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

You just think your a little smoothie,but i know better and want a banana split!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-09-30 18:18:26 · 14 answers · asked by ? 1

If you show me your PEA PEA I will show you my PEA PEA


:-)

2006-09-30 18:10:45 · 6 answers · asked by ? 1

i always wanted to know

2006-09-30 18:05:12 · 17 answers · asked by tyrafordiskool 2

1)If a white and black man both weighed the same amount, were the same height and everything jumped off a building at the same exact time, who would hit the bottom first? (See Bottom)
2)THIS IS A NEWS REPORT!!!!! There is a serial killer in Ohio! A woman was found dead yesterday afternoon.She was found laying in a puddle of milk with a banana up her butt right next to a big box. Everyone who lives in Ohio please do not go outside or else the CEREAL killer will find you!
3)Three guys named Shut-Up, Manners,and Poop were driving when they went to fast and Poop fell out. Shut-Up ran into the police station and told a police officer what happened. The police officer asked "What is you name?" Shut-Up replied "Shut-Up." The police officer said "Where's your manners!?" Shut-Up replied "Outside on the road scraping up Poop!"
4) "Mommy,why are we pushing the car off a cliff?" Mom,"Shhh! You'll wake your father!"
Try to guess no.1 first for 10 points.

2006-09-30 17:58:42 · 13 answers · asked by Chrisie 1

http://www.123greetings.com/events/ask_a_stupid_question_day/stupid6.html

2006-09-30 17:55:07 · 14 answers · asked by Electric 7

u were suck on an island with only 3 maches,2 water bottles,3 pairs of cloths,3 bags of chips,and 2 raw chicken breasts.

2006-09-30 17:54:03 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

When the Ark's door was closed, Noah told to all the animals. "Listen up!" There will be NO SEX on this trip! All of you males take off your penis and hand it over. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your penis back."
After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited. "Quick!" he said, "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!"
Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window, and said, "Sorry, no land yet."
"Darn it!", exclaimed Mr. Rabbit.
This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. Mrs. Rabbit asked, "What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land. But why are you acting so excited every day?"
"LOOK!", said Mr. Rabbit with a sly expression, as he held out a piece of paper...
"I GOT THE HORSE'S RECIEPT"

2006-09-30 17:50:18 · 10 answers · asked by Pd 6

Like we want it to be funny.

2006-09-30 17:34:51 · 13 answers · asked by !Triple_H_Fan! 1

It goes something like this. You walk up to a girl, introduce yourself and say, "Uh, duhhhhh, me want cracker." But you have to buck your teeth out and sh**. I'm tellin you, the girls, ha, whoa, yeah. Really.

2006-09-30 17:24:05 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two old friends were discussing how their wives were showing signs of aging.

One was quite sure his wife was going deaf. The other guy gave him a suggestion to test her hearing.

"Here's what you do: Start about 40 feet away from her, speak in a normal conversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

So that evening, when she's in the kitchen cooking dinner and he's in the living room, he says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.'

"Honey, what's for supper?"

No response.

So, he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away.

"Honey, what's for supper?"

No response.

So, he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away.

"Honey, what's for supper?"

No response.

On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away.

"Honey,what's for supper?"

No response.

So, he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"

"FOR THE FIFTH TIME, CHICKEN!"

2006-09-30 17:16:09 · 29 answers · asked by Wenice W 3

Three guys -- a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and an American engineer are walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

"I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes total” says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." Polo!

With a blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can EVER come into our precious state."

Polo! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries...

The American engineer asks, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall".

The Genie explains, "Well, its 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds these countries........ It’s virtually
impenetrable. Now what is your wish?"

The American engineer smiles and says, "Fill it with water."

2006-09-30 17:10:11 · 33 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

how can you tell who is the most porular man at the nudest colony............the on carrying a dozen doughnuts. and two cups of coffee

2006-09-30 16:50:44 · 6 answers · asked by pickledaddy 3

carpet munching on her friend Gayle when she lifted her head and held up a piece of a carrot. Then she went back to work on Gayle and stopped again holding up a couple pieces of corn.
"Gayle." Oprah says. "Are you sick?"
"No" Gayle says "But rosie Odonnel was here earlier and she was sick."

2006-09-30 16:48:59 · 17 answers · asked by homo.jesus 2

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back or that you could crawl into a hole ?
Here are the testimonials of
a few people who did...
*I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blowj*b?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word.
He knew better.
*I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good- looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
*My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget .
*Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Dan! my, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, ! did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
*This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? A true story. We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too!
While on a flight from New York, the Stewardess was busy passing out peanuts and cokes to everyone. There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get clearance to take off. Then the other Stewardess got a message from the Pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in line to take off, and to have everyone buckle up. Without thinking she just announced "Please buckle up, grab your drinks and hold your nuts, we're taking off", No one saw her for the rest of the flight to Houston, and all the other Stewardesses were laughing all the way and half of the passengers.
Now, didn't that feel good ?

2006-09-30 16:46:57 · 23 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

2006-09-30 16:43:01 · 12 answers · asked by ♥Sapphire 7

I need some good Yo Mamma jokes. Do you have any good ones?
P.S. If any of them are bad and can't be said on here or you might be reported just send to me at christinanelmes@yahoo.com .
Thanks!

2006-09-30 16:42:14 · 9 answers · asked by Chrisie 1

A commercial airplane left from England to the United States, halfway across the pond the plane lost two engines. The pilot made this announcement: Ladies and gentlemen we have lost two engines and the only way we can make it to America is to get rid of as much excess weight as we can so I’m taking the plane down to a safe altitude so we can open the doors and get rid of all unnecessary baggage, Well, all the passengers threw all their baggage out the door.

The Pilot then said: Thank you but I still don’t think it is enough, so I’m going to have to ask for volunteers to jump off the plane.

A British man jumped out of his seat and headed for the door, as he jumped he yelled: “God save the Queen.”

A Frenchman jumped out of his seat and headed for the door and as he jumped he yelled: “Viva La France”

A big man from Texas, not to be outdone by a Brit and a Frenchman headed down the aisle towards the door, as he reached the door he reached down and grabbed two Mexicans and as he threw them out the door he yelled: “Remember the Alamo”

Come on that’s funny, and just a joke!

2006-09-30 16:37:54 · 18 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

you know those sayings "That's what THEY say" or "You know what THEY say" so who the heck is "THEY"

2006-09-30 16:34:39 · 11 answers · asked by BROWNLYN 5

What is....
Better than God
Worse than the Devil
Poor people have it
Rich people need it
and if you eat it you die???

2006-09-30 16:31:56 · 18 answers · asked by Dalmatian 4

irritating!

2006-09-30 16:25:02 · 9 answers · asked by dan l 2

12 Fun Things To Do At Wal-Mart
1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
9. When there are people behind you, walk really slow, especially thin narrow aisles.
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, “I think we’ve got a Code 3 in Housewares,” and see what happens.
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to “10”.
12. Play with the automatic doors.

Sad thing: I've done all this!

2006-09-30 16:23:17 · 10 answers · asked by Kitsch Nouveau; 2

Sensitive Beer

Three hicks were working on a telephone tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"
Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'."

2006-09-30 16:15:47 · 16 answers · asked by garyhorne55 1

man left home one morning. turned right and ran straight. then turned left. after awhile turned left again, running faster than ever. then turned left once more and decided to go home. In the distance he saw two masked men. who were they

2006-09-30 16:12:41 · 9 answers · asked by jcurrycst 1

hahahahahahahhaha! i read a qn "what is daniel radcliffe's email....pls answer seriously"...

hahahahah! is the person asking plain naive or dumb or what man? ahahhahahahaha

whats the stupidest qn YOU've come across yahoo?

2006-09-30 16:00:15 · 13 answers · asked by dan l 2

2006-09-30 15:55:13 · 11 answers · asked by jcurrycst 1

...Lets make fun of people that seriously put things like that as a question... Best conspiracy theory wins!

Mine: George bush cloned himself twelve times and hijacked the planes to make himself more popular!

2006-09-30 15:53:31 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-30 15:49:38 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later...."Da-ad...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No, You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
hehehe!

2006-09-30 15:41:36 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

my daughter is sick, my son is at homecoming and my hubby is working.. I need something to keep my mind busy.. got a good joke for me?

2006-09-30 15:40:38 · 3 answers · asked by sea_sher 5

First one to give all the correct answers gets the points. Some are easy, some are difficult. There will be no clues. Good luck all!

1. What falls but never breaks?
2. What can be cut and will grow back; yet when you least expect it, may disappear and never return?
3. You can see it, but you can't touch it. It may disappear, but has never really left you. It grows throughout the day. What is it?
4. A house with two occupants, sometimes on, but rarely three. Break the walls, eat the boarders then throw away me. What am I?
5. Though in theory I am always behind you, I am also around to remind you. But in case it's your way to give me too much say, I can hamper or, even worse, blind you. What am I?
6. When I am filled I can point the way. When I am empty, nothing moves me. I have two skins, one without and one within. What am I?

2006-09-30 15:26:56 · 14 answers · asked by Essence 4