Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

Please enjoy and let me know what you think. And remember, we are all the same, Just Jokes!

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.


Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong".

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." -A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain'tgonnabelievethisshit....


Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides



HAVE A GREAT DAY

2006-09-30 15:17:42 · 19 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

cross a monkey with a blue pokadot whose mom is ducky with gravy and turkey who was once a large tarantula but was stung by the rays of the aliens from eugopatopia who sat on toilets and ate mouse pads for a living only to get a bowl of rotten banana soy milk????? i drank that once it was nasty...only answer if u are a true random person..cuz if ur not..i dont want to hear from u and ur purple socks..rainbow socks are radder.

2006-09-30 15:02:26 · 10 answers · asked by Ohkay 5

2006-09-30 14:43:08 · 5 answers · asked by spud_tigers 1

youere momma got mor clap than an aditorum i dont get it and jen wont tell me what that means

2006-09-30 14:37:06 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Hope you enjoy! Let me know!

> Quickie #1
> One day, Jay Dini came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a
>very sexy nightie.
> "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
> So he tied her up and went fishing.

> Quickie #2
>
> A woman came home, screeching! her car into the driveway, and ran
>into the house.
> She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey,
>pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"
> The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
>mountain stuff?"
> "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."
>
> Quickie #3
>
> Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and
>the other is a husband.
>
> Quickie #4
>
> A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
> First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
> The optician showed him a card with the letters:
> 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
> "Can you read this?" the optician asked.
> "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
>
> Quickie #5
>
> Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I
>must tell you all
> something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
> "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of
>chardonnay."
>
> Quickie #6
>
> A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
>Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
> "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
>You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We
>need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're
>going to STICK!
> Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when
>you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST
>your mind?
> Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
>Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"
> The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You
>think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
> The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like
>when I'm driving."
>
> Quickie #7
>
> Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North
> Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
> On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
> That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
> On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
> That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
> On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
> The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years

2006-09-30 14:35:30 · 18 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

It goes up, but at the same time goes down. Up toward the sky, and down toward the ground. It's present tense and past tense too.what is it??

first person with the right answer gets the 10 points.

2006-09-30 14:33:04 · 7 answers · asked by chuchi 1

what goes all around a yard but never moves

2006-09-30 14:23:41 · 19 answers · asked by green day fan 2

whats orange green and moves up and down

2006-09-30 14:20:40 · 14 answers · asked by speshal_wun 1

A blonde boards a plane and sits in first class.
Soon after a woman goes along and asks the blonde to move as she is in her seat. The blonde says ' no, why should i get economy when you get first class' and the blonde stays put. The woman complains and many air hostess' try to get the blonde to move but she still says no.
Then the pilot says ' let me handle this, my wife is blonde' and he goes to the blonde whispers something in her ear and amazingly shes gets up! What did he say?

2006-09-30 14:12:10 · 10 answers · asked by speshal_wun 1

Here on earth it is true, yesterday is always before today; but there is a place where yesterday always follows today.Where?


first one with the right answer you'll get the 10 points.

2006-09-30 14:12:02 · 10 answers · asked by chuchi 1

A woman and her boyfriend are in a bar having a few drinks. While they're
sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it the more excited she gets and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. After a while he gives in and let's her order the drink for him.

The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar: a salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, a shot of lime juice. The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains. First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth and finally you drink the lime juice. So the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue - salty but ok. He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks - this is ok. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it....

At one second the sharp lime taste hits, at two seconds the Baileys curdles,at three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits. This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend.

She smiles widely at him and says "So, how did you like it??? It's called ********'s Revenge."

2006-09-30 14:11:48 · 11 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

I can't remember.... it was a great question.... I was jusst gonna ask....

2006-09-30 13:28:06 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

...not as straightforward an answer as you'd think!

2006-09-30 13:26:58 · 21 answers · asked by AvatarUK 2

President Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water.
He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, "I sure would like to go to Disneyland." George said, No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One."
The second kid said, "I really need a new pair of Nike Air
Jordan's." Bush said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"
The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in
TV and stereo headset!!" Bush is a little perplexed by this and
said, But you don't look like you are handicapped."
The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your *** from drowning!"

.

2006-09-30 13:26:31 · 7 answers · asked by grant212021 4

2006-09-30 13:21:50 · 6 answers · asked by lourdes2449@sbcglobal.net 1

Pronounced as one letter,
And written with three,
Two letters there are,
And two only in me.
I'm double, I'm single,
I'm black, blue, and gray,
I'm read from both ends,
And the same either way.
What am I?


10 points first person.

2006-09-30 13:21:49 · 11 answers · asked by boricua(787) 3

What is so fragile even saying its name can break it?

10 points to who ever gets it first.

2006-09-30 13:17:33 · 12 answers · asked by boricua(787) 3

there is a man sitting in a chair.he in the woods in a cabin.the man is not a live.and it is not a regualr cabin it has no windos and its shape is cylinder..

what happen to the man???and wat is the cabin???
first one to get it right get the 10 points.

2006-09-30 13:07:59 · 7 answers · asked by boricua(787) 3

2006-09-30 13:07:05 · 8 answers · asked by bigbadbald33 2

what is yellow on the outside, black on the inside and makes people laugh. what is the answer?

2006-09-30 13:04:28 · 12 answers · asked by Steph 3

what is yellow in the out side black in the inside and makes people laugh???the one witht the correct answer well get the points.

2006-09-30 13:00:46 · 11 answers · asked by boricua(787) 3

Little Johnny goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female?"
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, honey, God is both male and female."
This confuses Little Johnny, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"
"Well, God is both black and white."
This further confuses him so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"
At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless, "Honey, God is both gay and straight."
At this Little Johnny’s face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Mom, is God Michael Jackson?"

2006-09-30 12:55:58 · 15 answers · asked by ... 2

The question come up is sex more fun or more work. The sarge says it is more work. The Lieutenant says it is more fun.

They see this private walking by and call him in to resolve the matter. So the sarge says I say sex is more work and the Lieutenant says sex is more fun. What do you think

The private grins and says sorry sarge you are wrong. If there was any work to it you would have me doing it.

2006-09-30 12:48:53 · 8 answers · asked by barrettins 3

She is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for
breakfast.

He walks in. She turns and says, "You've got to make
love to me -- this very moment."

His eyes light up and he thinks, "This is my lucky
day."

Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and
then gives it his all on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she says, "Thanks," and returns to the
stove.

More than a little puzzled, he asks, "What was that
all about?"

She explains, "The egg timer's broken."

Gotcha! Ha! Ha! Hope you enjoyed.

2006-09-30 12:45:11 · 9 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

2006-09-30 12:44:46 · 14 answers · asked by chicky9244 2

A man rides into town on his horse Wedensday, stays two days and leaves Wednesday...how is that possible

2006-09-30 12:20:02 · 21 answers · asked by Brie 2

Two bored blond casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very
attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly
departed...

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

















Anyone have anymore jokes?

2006-09-30 12:17:23 · 23 answers · asked by ... 2

THE PERFECT HUSBAND:

Several men are in the locker room of a golf
club. A cell phone on a
bench rings and a man engages the hands free
speaker-function and begins
to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to
listen.


MAN: "Hello"


WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"


MAN: " Yes"


WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this
beautiful leather coat.
It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?


MAN: "A grand, sure, go ahead if you like it
that much."


WOMAN: " I also stopped by the Mercedes
dealership and saw the new
2006 models, I saw one I really liked."


MAN: "How much?"


WOMAN:! ..."$90,000.?"


MAN: .."OK, but for $90,000, I want it with all
the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...The
house I wanted last year is
back on the market They're asking $950,000."


MAN: 'Well, go ahead and give them! an offer of
$9 00,000. They will
probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50
thousand. It is clearly
a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK, I'll see you later! I love you so
much!!"


MAN: "Bye. I love you, too."


The man hangs up. The other men in the locker
room are staring at him
in astonishment, mouths agape...
He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

2006-09-30 12:06:22 · 24 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

On a train, Smith, Robinson, and Jones are the fireman, brakeman, and engineer, but not respectively. Also aboard are three businessmen who have the same names: Mr. Smith, Mr. Robinson, and Mr. Jones. (They are not the same people)

1) Mr. Robinson lives in Detroit

2) The brakeman lives exactly halfway between Chicago and Detroit.

3) Mr. Jones earns exactly $20,000 per year.

4) The brakeman's nearest neighbor, one of the passengers, earns exactly 3 times as much as the brakeman.

5) Smith beats the fireman at billiards.

6) The passenger with the same name as the brakeman lives in Chicago.


So who is the engineer?

2006-09-30 11:49:32 · 10 answers · asked by Silver Spoon 4

1. The men are too drunk
2. The women are too frigid
3. Neither can catch their sled dog?

2006-09-30 11:36:20 · 8 answers · asked by tommy w 2