Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

they think someone is taking their picture

2006-09-29 16:11:41 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

inst tihs wried the hmaun biran can poscres eytvenierg i tpye as lnog as i put the fsrit and lsat lteter wrhe tehy sohuld be its a ltitle cnfouisng but its fun now i jsut hvae to fgirue out waht cetroargy to put tihs qtsoieun in

2006-09-29 16:09:12 · 16 answers · asked by Emily May 11/10/08 :) 6

i cant pick a best answer, cuz more than one person got it right. I am cherry pie! not sak123sak123 -.-

2006-09-29 16:02:00 · 6 answers · asked by Me Being Me 4

This blonde man gets home and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. H erushes in ther and sees his wife lying there naked. She was sweating and all out of breath.

"What the hell is going on here?"
"I'm having a heartattack" she says thinking quickly.
The blonde man runs down stairs to call 911.
As he is talking on the phone his two young children are standing there scared and tugging on his shirt.

"What is it?" he asks them.
"Uncle Stan is up in your closet hiding and he's naked?" says one of the kids
"WHAT?!!" the man hangs up the phone, runs upstairs, whips open the closet door
Sure enough his brother is cowering naked on the floor.

"Damnit Stan. My wife is having a heart attack and you are running around the house naked scaring the kids."

2006-09-29 15:58:53 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-29 15:56:51 · 6 answers · asked by nicole p 1

Birdy,Birdy in the sky,
Let a turdy in my eye,
I'm a big boy, I wont cry,
Jeez Im glad that cows dont fly,

I must warn you Its a scare,
But I tell you it is rare,
unless youve tried it with a bear,

But do you dare?
Do you care?

2006-09-29 15:55:42 · 4 answers · asked by duke4172 3

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I''m sorry to bother you, but I''m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I''ve got a better idea... just for tonight, let''s pretend we''re married."

The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.

"Great," he replies, "Get your own da*n blanket!"

2006-09-29 15:55:08 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Nude, A Dude, and A Prude

2006-09-29 15:54:31 · 7 answers · asked by barrettins 3

they take too long to peel

2006-09-29 15:52:16 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-29 15:52:06 · 8 answers · asked by Joe W 2

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."
So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."
"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.
The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a b**ch to death with the chair!"

2006-09-29 15:51:57 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A reminder of bygone days!

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE

SYMPTOM
CAUSE
CORRECTIVE ACTION

Feet cold and wet
Glass Being held at incorrect angle.
Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling

Feet warm and wet
Improper Bladder Control
Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training

Beer unusually pale and tasteless
a. Glass empty.
b. You're holding a Coors Lite
Get someone to buy you another beer

Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights
You have fallen over backward.
Have yourself leashed to bar

Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes
You have fallen forward
See previous

Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet
a. Mouth not open
b. Glass applied to wrong part of face
Retire to restroom, practice in mirror

Floor Blurred
You are looking through bottom of empty glass
Get someone to buy you another beer

Floor moving
You are being carried out
Find out if you are being taken to another bar

Room seems unusually dark
Bar has closed
Confirm home address with bartender. If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door. Run

Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures
Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations
Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside

Everyone looks up to you and smiles
You are dancing on the table
Fall on someone cushy-looking

Beer is crystal-clear
It's water! Somebody is trying to sober you up
Punch him

People are standing around urinals, talking or putting on makeup
You're in the ladies' room
Do not use urinal! Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall.
Try to get phone numbers (optional)

Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear
You have been in a fight
Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them

Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in
You've wandered into the wrong party
See if they have free beer

Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk
a. You're in jail
b. You're in the navy
Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow. Don't talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach

You are dancing to a Village People song, and your partner is wearing leather chaps
You're in a gay bar
Keeping your back to the wall, edge toward nearest exit. Do not accept offers for backrubs

Your singing sounds distorted
The beer is too weak
Have more beer until your voice improves

Don't remember the words to the song
Beer is just right
Play air guitar





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2006-09-29 15:42:12 · 4 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

The merchant asks do you want muslim or catholic huh goes the man whats religon got to do with it ""the muslim will blow her self up""

2006-09-29 15:25:50 · 10 answers · asked by xmadartisto 1

Did you hear Tony Orlando died ? Yes, he died at the crack of dawn .. Remember, Tony Orlando and Dawn

2006-09-29 15:17:24 · 20 answers · asked by SWM 38 _4_ YOUNG GF 5

Did you hear that Michael Jackson, bought land in Pennsylvania? Yes, in Dubois , Pennsylvania ..Did you get it ( Do Boys) ?

2006-09-29 15:13:47 · 13 answers · asked by SWM 38 _4_ YOUNG GF 5

2006-09-29 15:06:39 · 15 answers · asked by Ryan G 2

Once, there was an old lady, with her thumb up, waiting to get a ride. This old lady, 90+ years old was naked. Along comes the first car.
The man who was driving it did not want to stop because the old woman might soil his car. Figures, she's crazy anyways, so why would she need a ride... so he drives away...

Along comes a second car. The woman who was driving thinks to herself that maybe she will be kidnapped and robbed if she gives this old lady a ride... so she just drives away...

Along came a Kind-hearted man in a Chopper bike and decides to give this poor old granny a ride. It is cold, it might rain, he can't just drive away...

So the old lady hops in and drives away... When they are driving on the highway, the man hears a soft clap, so he speeds up just a little, after all the lady is clapping of happiness... The clapping gets harder and the man figures that the lady loves the speed...so he speeds up... the clapping gets really loud, so he turns around and sees that..

2006-09-29 14:55:26 · 37 answers · asked by Magy G 3

I like pie, but pie likes grapes. i like grapes, but i don't like grape pie. pie also likes cherry pie, who likes pie and grapes. who am i?

2006-09-29 14:52:44 · 16 answers · asked by Me Being Me 4

A well dressed business man was walking down the street when a little kid covered in soot said to him respectfully, "Sir, can you tell me the time?" The portly man stopped, carefully unbuttoned his coat and jacket, removed a large watch from a vest pocket, looked at it and said, "It is a quarter to three, young man." "Thanks," said the boy. "At exactly three o'clock you can kiss my ***." With that, the kid took off running, and with an angry cry, the outraged businessman started chasing him. He had not been running long when an old friend stopped him. "Why are you running like this at your age?" asked the friend. Gasping and almost incoherent with fury, the business man said, "That little brat asked me the time and when I told him it was quarter to three he told me that at exactly three, I should kiss his ***!" "So what's your hurry," said the friend. "You still have ten minutes."

2006-09-29 14:43:24 · 18 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

a man dies (suside) in his room with a pair of scissors and his bed How did he die ?

*hint think of the bed

*p.s. there was no blood spilt

2006-09-29 14:42:11 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Horse, A Chicken & A Harley


On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor!

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.

Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)

"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks"

2006-09-29 14:41:01 · 8 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Would you rather eat 50 live worms or lick peanut-butter off a hobo's bare foot?

2006-09-29 14:37:12 · 7 answers · asked by MissAteam 2

She couldn't control her pupils.

2006-09-29 14:24:43 · 13 answers · asked by markredwing 3

'i am down to earth but still above u all'

'my dr said i suffer from multiple personality disorder but we disagree'

basically some funny quotes about thyself

2006-09-29 13:55:03 · 3 answers · asked by salsasavy 1

thoes are so 10 years ago!!!

2006-09-29 13:24:03 · 17 answers · asked by magan 2

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. So she went to a playground, grabbed a kid, and took him behind a tree. "I've kidnapped you!", said the blonde and then proceeded to write a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and place it under the pecan tree next to the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked under the tree and surely enough, a paper bag was sitting there. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

2006-09-29 13:16:15 · 12 answers · asked by bugguy 2

A blind man walks into a bar, makes his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender. "Hey, You wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair that you should know five things.

Number One. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

Number Two. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

Number Three. I'm a six-foot-tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

Number Four. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

Number Five. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

She concludes by smugly asking, "Now think about it seriously, mister.
Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five ******* times."

2006-09-29 13:04:16 · 13 answers · asked by bugguy 2

papa bear and baby bear went into the kitchen for breakfast one morning. 'someone’s eaten my porridge!' wailed baby bear. 'and someone has eaten my porridge,' grumbled papa bear. 'you morons!' yelled mama bear. 'I haven’t even made the damn stuff yet.'

2006-09-29 12:38:16 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

I get plenty of e-mails that are funny but they dont have me roaring with laughter, can you get me roaring?
10 points to the best one!

2006-09-29 12:32:16 · 22 answers · asked by vwcarman2001 5

2 little old men are sittin on a park bench reminising. One turnes and says to the other
"Remember when we were young and wild? We used to streak down main st buck *** naked!"

The other says "Yeah, we sure had us some laughs back then."

They sit thinking a while then the 1st turns back to the other and says "I dare you to do it again! I'll even do it with you. For old times sake, it'll be fun"

The other agrees and they strip down and head towards main st. As they go the pass a couple of old women.
"What in the world was that?!" says one.
"I don't know!" says the other "But it sure needed to be ironed!"

Ha Ha!!!

2006-09-29 12:27:49 · 25 answers · asked by magan 2