What's the funniest joke you've heard this week?

Question

I get plenty of e-mails that are funny but they dont have me roaring with laughter, can you get me roaring?
10 points to the best one!

Answer 1

At the home of the Mafia Don, a small boy entered his fathers study and asked in a rich Italian accent,"Papa I would like to have a new bicycle please"

His father replied, "Ah my son that is an expensive gift for such a little boy, Tell me have you been good"

"Yes papa I have been a very good boy, I think I deserve a new bicycle"

"Well little one, I think you should sit here at my desk, and write a letter to the Baby Jesus, and ask him for a new bicycle, tell him how long you have been a good boy, and remember he will know the truth"

So the little boy sat in his fathers chair, and wrote,

"Dear baby jesus, I would like a new bicycle. I have been good for 1 month...

He paused and thought, mmm, that is no good, baby jesus will know that i tell not the truth.

So he took anther sheet of paper,
"Dear baby jesus, I want a new bike, I have been good for 1 week.. Again he stops and thinks,,
Ohh my, he sighs, It's a no good the baby jesus he knows too much,
Once more he writes

" Dear a baby jesus, I have been a good a boy for 1 day and a half...

He snatches up the paper becoming frustrated and throws it into the waste basket, and broods a while, frowning and gazing at his fathers desk.

He sees a statue of the Virgin Mary on the corner of the desk, beautiful, endearing, the little boy reaches out and picks the statue up, he opens the drawer of the desk, puts it inside and locks the drawer and pockets the key.

He draws himself up, takes another sheet of paper and writes,


"Dear a baby jesus, If you ever wanta see your mama again......

Answer 2

Speedy Seniors...
>
>
>
>
> Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers,
a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
>
>
> Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.
>
>
> The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't
understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
>
>
> "Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
>
>
> "Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
>
>
> "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.
>
>
> "Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route
119."

Answer 3

Heres a few :)

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"


My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather


They say animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming. Like the night before that last earthquake hit, our family dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona


and of course you NEED a chuck Norris joke.
Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Answer 4

>There were four country churches in a small TEXAS town:
>
>The Presbyterian Church , the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church, and
>the Catholic Church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.
>
>
>One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do
>about the squirrels. After much pra yer and consideration they determined
>that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't
>interfere with God's divine will.
>
>In the BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the
>baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistry and
>drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were
>twice as many there the next week.
>
>THE CATHOLIC GROUP got together and decided that they were not in a
>position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the
>Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later,
>the squirrels were back.
>
>But -- the METHODIST CHURCH came up with the best and most effective
>solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the
>church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Answer 5

A woman asks her husband to fix a dripping tap, do i look a plumber! he replies, well what about that drawer that keeps sticking?, do i look like a carpenter! he replies, well how about fixing the light switch in the hallway, do i look like an electrician! he replies, the next day he comes in from the pub and all the jobs have been done, the wife explains that fat Barry the neighbour had done it and in return he asked for either a b.l.o.w.j.o.b or a chocolate cake, did he enjoy the cake then? asks the husband, do i look like a baker! she replies.

Answer 6

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
***********************

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese
sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!
***********************

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
**********************

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
**********************

And the winner is..........

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath.....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

Answer 7

I Havent Heard One This Week But Heres One From Last Week. Yo Momma`s So Ugly She Entered An Ugly Contest But The Didnt Let "Her In Because They Said No Professionals

Answer 8

A woman of 70 years miraculously gives birth and causes a sensation in her home town ......... when she gets back home with the new born babe, all her relatives come round to see the little miracle. They all ask when they can see the baby and the old girl replies ..."When it starts crying" ...... so they ask "Why do we have to wait to see the baby until he starts crying then .....??"
"Well" ... says the old girl .... "I forgot where I put him ....!"

Answer 9

Three Knots"
>
> An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform
> and heads for the docks once more for old
> times sake. He engages a prostitute and
> takes her up to a room.
>
> He's soon going at it as well as he can for
> a guy his age, but needing some reassurance,
> he asks,
>
> "How am I doing?"
>
> The prostitute replies, "Well old sailor, you're
> doing about three knots."
>
> "Three knots?" he asks, "What's that
> supposed to mean?"
>
> She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in,
> and you're knot getting your money back!"
>

Answer 10

this guy comes home from the bar and had a c--k sucking frog with him, he gave it to his wife, who said to him what do u want me to do with this.
He said, teach it how to cook and u can f--k off.

sorry, but i fell around the place laughing