Jokes & Riddles

Hey!

Things to do at Wal-Mart while your friend/partner is taking their sweet time :

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,
'Code 3' in housewares ..... and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and
pick your nose.

2007-12-31 18:12:47 · 15 answers · asked by LilLaTLuv 4

Hey!


IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.

This one was from Kingman, KS.
_____________________________________
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. And he was a Kansas City chef!
_____________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
Happened in Birmingham, Ala.

2007-12-31 18:03:02 · 10 answers · asked by LilLaTLuv 4

Hey!

Ø These have to be original and genuine - no adult is this creative!!

Ø JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"

Ø MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."

Ø STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

Ø BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?

2007-12-31 17:48:04 · 24 answers · asked by LilLaTLuv 4

2007-12-31 17:47:59 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Leroy went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, "Well Leroy, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. So why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead." After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus.

Dear Jesus,
I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle.

Your Friend,
Leroy

Now, Leroy knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (brat), so he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try.

Dear Jesus,
I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle.

Your Truly,
Leroy

Well, Leroy knew this wasn't totally honest, so he tore it up and tried again.

Dear Jesus,
I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a bicycle?

Leroy

Well, Leroy looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his mother really wanted. He knew he had been terrible and was deserving of almost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in the trash can and went running outside. He aimlessly wandered about depressed because of the way he treated his parents and really considered his actions. He finally found himself in front of a Catholic Church. Leroy went inside and knelt down, looking around not knowing what he should really do. Leroy finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of a sudden he grabbed a small one and ran out the door. He went home, hid it under his bed and wrote this letter.

Jesus,
I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike!

Sincerely,
You know who

2007-12-31 17:28:58 · 17 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

2007-12-31 16:51:40 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-12-31 16:49:27 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

George W. Bush was visiting an elementary school, and the 4th grade class he sat through began a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy.” So, George W. asked the class for an example of a tragedy.

One boy stood up and said, “If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy.”

“No,” said Bush, “that would be an accident.”

A girl raised her hand and said, “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone on board, that would be a tragedy.”

“I’m afraid not,” the President said. “That’s what we would call a Great Loss.”

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. President Bush searched the room and asked, “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”

2007-12-31 16:27:09 · 12 answers · asked by DJ 5

A bunch of first-year medical students were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "It is absolutely necessary to have two important qualities as a Doctor of Medicine: the first is that you're not disgusted by anything involving the human body."

For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, rolled the body over and stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck it in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing", he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.

Now learn to pay attention"

2007-12-31 16:11:14 · 14 answers · asked by murphyslaw 2

I am always the one who laughs! I want to be the one cracking jokes too! How do I learn to be funny?

2007-12-31 15:48:11 · 13 answers · asked by dot 1

An Irish woman "of a certain age", visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's sex drive.

"What about trying Viagra?” asks the doctor.

"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".

"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it.

Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."

It wasn't a week later, but when she rang up the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! Twas horrid! Just terrible, Doctor."

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee, didn't I?

The effect was almost immediate. He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!

With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop!

It was a nightmare, I tell you!"

"Why so terrible?” asked the doctor. "Do you mean
the sex was not good?"

"No, no, no, Doctor. The sex was great – terrific marvelous!!

Indeed,'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years.

But I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again

2007-12-31 15:41:21 · 16 answers · asked by murphyslaw 2

I'm sorry if it is too easy.

"A man builds a house. All sides have southern exposure. A bear walks by. What color is the bear?"

2007-12-31 15:27:48 · 51 answers · asked by None 2

A man seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rear view mirror pulls to the side of the road. A minute or so after coming to a stop, a police officer approaches the car.
The man says, "What's the problem officer?"

Officer: You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ticket you.

Man: No sir, I was going a little over 60.

Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going at least 80! [The man gives wife dirty look.]

Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!

Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks! [The man gives his wife another a dirty look.]

Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.

Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt!

The Man turns to his wife and yells, "For cryin' out loud, can't you just shut up?!"

The officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, Does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"

Wife says, "No officer, Only when he's drunk."

2007-12-31 15:22:33 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

A duck walks into a corner store.
Duck: Got any grapes?
Clerk:: No, sorry we don't have grapes.
Duck leaves.
Duck returns the next day.
Duck: Got any grapes?
Clerk: No, we don't carry grapes.
Duck leaves.
Duck returns a 3rd day
Duck: Got any grapes?
Clerk: NO! We don't have ANY grapes and if you come in here asking for them again I'm gonna staple your feet to the floor!'
Duck leaves.
Duck comes in the next day.
Duck: Got any staples?
Clerk: No
Duck: Got any grapes?

2007-12-31 13:58:49 · 14 answers · asked by msym83 2

i have 4 legs but cant walk, 2 arms but cant move, and one back that cant bend. What am I?

2007-12-31 13:48:33 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

an old man is sitting on his front porch and a little boy is walking by with some chicken wire.
hey there young fella where you goin with that there chicken wire?
gonna go catch me a chicken. the kid walks on.
the old man thinks " silly kid, can't catch no chickens with chicken wire. but a few hours later the kid walks by carrying a chicken.
next day, the old man see the kid walking by tossing a roll of duct tape in the air,
say young feller where ya goin with that duct tape?
gonna catch me some ducks.
the old man thinks stupid kid, can't catch no ducks with duct tape. sure enough a little later the kid walks by with a couple of ducks.
The next day, the old man gets up from his rocking chair on the porch and excitedly asks " say son is that p^ssy willow you got there? hold on a second i'm coming with you!

2007-12-31 13:17:34 · 6 answers · asked by wat'd U call me 3

2007-12-31 12:46:08 · 7 answers · asked by Kentucky Dave 6

Happened to find a genie in a bottle and was offered three wishes. Her first wish was for youth and beauty, presto she was young and beautiful, the second wish was for wealth and presto there was a bagof gold by her feet, so next she wished her cat was a hansome young man and it happened. He started fondling and kissing her then he said 'ain't you sorry you took me to the vetranerian years ago and had him do what he did to me?

2007-12-31 11:10:33 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-12-31 11:02:55 · 18 answers · asked by AJ 2

Pick the month you were born in:
January-------i shot
February----- i ate
March---------i killed
April------- -i ran away with
May-----------i fell in love with
June----------i murdered
July----------i gave my shoes to
August--------i sang a duvet with
September ----i had crush on
October-------i danced with
November -----i kissed
December------I hit

2007-12-31 10:31:11 · 47 answers · asked by star:) 1

i choos the funniest joke as the best answer! Thank you all.

2007-12-31 10:21:25 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

And forgot to put on his pants before giving a state of the union address.

2007-12-31 10:12:55 · 19 answers · asked by Adel 6

A police dog responds to an ad for work with the FBI. "Well," says the personnel director, "you'll have to meet some strict requirements. First, you must type at least 60 words per minute." Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per minute. "Also," says the director, "you must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course." This perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time. "There's one last requirement," the director continues; "you must be bilingual." With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says, "Meow!"

2007-12-31 09:54:29 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

With pointed fangs it sits in wait,
With piercing force its doles out fate,
Over bloodless victims proclaiming its might,
Eternally joining in a single bite.
What am I?

2007-12-31 09:46:49 · 67 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender.. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.



"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

Hee hee..star this or leave a comment if you laughed!

2007-12-31 09:41:25 · 37 answers · asked by Anonymous Mommy 4

with a good temperament, crows, and wakes you up at dawn, could this be interperated as "A NICE BIG C0CK WAKES YOU UP IN THE MORNING?"

2007-12-31 09:29:56 · 23 answers · asked by Dr. Lecter Phd 3

2007-12-31 09:20:48 · 7 answers · asked by sunshineee (: 5

Because he didn't want to interrupt her.

2007-12-31 09:14:44 · 7 answers · asked by qwert 7

Jemima was taking an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, 'I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year's present. What do you think it all means?'

'Aha, you'll know tonight,' answered Max smiling broadly.

At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Jemima and handed her small package. Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled: 'The meaning of dreams'.

2007-12-31 09:02:31 · 18 answers · asked by .... 6

God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.
**********
Dear Lord

So far this year I've done well.

I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper, I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I'm very thankful for that. But in a few minutes, Lord, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help.

Amen
**********
Peter, at a New Year's party, turns to his friend, Ken, and asks for a cigarette.

'I thought you made a New Year's resolution to quit smoking,' Ken responds.
'I'm in the process of quitting,' replies Peter with a grin. 'Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.'

'Phase one?' wonders Ken.

'Yeah,' laughs Peter, 'I've quit buying.'

2007-12-31 08:52:52 · 16 answers · asked by .... 6